First off, thank you for viewing my post. I am a follower of TRP however I've created this alter account as it is pretty heavy in my opinion and I don't want it to lead back to my main account. I am in desperate need of help. I'm 22 -turning 23 shortly, and am living at home with my parents. My problem is that I've been heavily feminized. We all know of the common narrative here, that we are born into single mother households, or households with unavailable fathers and because of that we don't make out to be ideal men, in addition to indoctrination and brainwashing....and I don't want to make myself out to be a special case here however my pathology runs deep and that is.... I've been feminized to the point where I actually feel like a woman and it scares the living shit out me.
My mother was and is still a ball busting a masculinity hating woman. Absolutely toxic to be around. She has raised me as a daughter it feels like. Her own mother didn't raise her, instead another female guardian who also holds an "I can do anything myself, I'm a tough gangster bitch" mentality and abused/neglected my mother. Therefore my mother carries her pathology. She does not allow me and my brothers to openly neither express or explore our own masculinity. She shames us for it. Every thought and attitude we formed, was immediately crushed by her. We weren't aloud to sit alone and daydream or think. If she saw us, she would disrupt us and try to convince that whatever we were thinking would lead us to bad thoughts. Anything related to sex was forbidden, hidden from sight, and anything referring to sex was shamed. My dad is neither present. He crumbled beneath her feet, once a warm and caring father who I used to know and adore as a very young child, now into a shell... his only comfort and hope in life now is the opioid of Christianity. He gave up on himself. My mother runs rampant and our father was not truly there to provide a positive example nor defend us from her toxicity, shaming, and endless criticism.
I've tried to express this ailment to my father, but what he cares most about is my conforming to Christianity instead of my actual core condition. That I feel like a woman.
I'm not quite sure how to describe it but I am extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel like a wretch...like smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Interaction with other people is extremely difficult because of this deeply ingrained inferiority complex. Everything that comes out of my mouth is inauthentic and a petty attempt to one-up and bolster up my non-existent status in hopes for acceptance. I know it sounds harsh to say about myself but it's fucking reality...I haven't done shit and my accomplishments are nada. I have nothing to fucking show for. I deeply fear judgement. It runs even deeper than that though. I actually tremble in the sight of masculinity being exercised because I lack it. I am deeply jealous of guys who are able to get their way and proud of who they are. I've even sexualized it, because I want masculinity so bad. In other words, you could call me gay, but in a vampiric way. I've done ayahuasca before and it showed me this.
I've been spiraling downhill but enough is enough and I want to set my shit straight and I need some damn support from my other brothers. This family is in shambles with the facade of wholeness to the outer world. Can anybody help me, or just simply relate to me so I don't feel like I'm the only one facing something like this? I just really need advice and/or support.