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LTR Help: My wife is afraid of having sex with me (self.asktrp)

submitted by centennaire

I'm new to TRP, and I'm in a jam. I've had sex with my wife only a handful of times in over 8 years.

Background:

I've been a beta-loser my entire life. But I've now seen the light and am making the transition to be a redpill man. Thanks, TRP bros!

We're both 27. We've been married 2 years, and have been together for over 8. She is beautiful, and I'm very attracted to her. While I'm an attractive guy, I've always questioned her physical desire towards me. More on that later.

Sex has always been a sore point. I now realize our relationship has always been on her terms. When we first started dating, I escalated towards sex, but it only finally happened after 6 months once she was "ready" (she has been in control of our relationship since the get-go). We had sex twice before she realized that birth control was destroying her body. She quit the birth control and that killed our sex life. Neither of us really wanted kids yet, so I didn't put up much of a fight.

Condoms weren't enough to calm her hamster, nor could she agree to any other birth control method but besides, I was too beta to force the issue anyways. Since then, our sex life has been "hands only" with occasional oral for about 7.5 years. I can't believe it's been that long.

Throughout our relationship, I took her qualms about sex at face value. I believed her when she made excuses about birth control, and I didn't want to disrespect her by forcing her to do anything she didn't want to do.

Later, she began pressuring me to marry her, and I eventually succumbed. We have a great time together when shes not being a cunt bag constantly shit testing. The non-existent sex life continued, but not without me trying to negotiate desire from her. Obvious blue pill mistake. Nothing ever lasted and it only served to frustrate me even more. I even began to resent any woman I saw; even the ugly ones. I knew even fat ugly chicks/dudes were having more sex than I was.

During our engagement I demanded that our sex life improve once we got married. She agreed. (Queue me taking her at face value, again) The hamster explained that once married, she'd be more open to the risk of getting pregnant despite our mutual desire to live kid-free.

On the honeymoon, after practically begging for sex, we learned that she has a mild case of vaginismus. (I say mild because there are girls out there that can't even take a finger.) Since then we've tried a handful of times, and only sometimes can we achieve penetration. Basically, we've had sex 3 times in two years of marriage, and 5 times in 8 years. That's why I'm here fellas. I'm losing my fucking mind.

My wife hasn't made a single fucking effort to figure this out despite many discussions about it. It's clear to me that she doesn't have much sexual desire towards me. In all fairness, she has little sexual desire in general. She is a sexual camel. She could go a year without anything at all. Typically, she drip feeds me sexual intimacy 8-12 times per year.

Since discovering The Red Pill about a month ago, it pains me to read about some of your guys lives. Spinning plates while not taking any shit. Good on you. Wish I discovered this place years ago.

What I've done:

I've been digesting the sidebar, MMSL, the MAP, Rollo, RooshV, learning game, etc. I'm trying to become a leader in our house, and gain control. Become a better man that has purpose other than to provide for her. The problem is, my wife is very dominant. She has worn the pants, historically. She has been responsive to some of my new day-to-day dominance/leadership, such as where to eat dinner at, or when to go grocery shopping, but she resists when I don't put up with disrespectful or childish behavior. I can tell this is going to take some time. (Side note: I actually get a kick out of her bullshit now. She says hilariously disrespectful shit to me when I don't supplicate or submit to her.)

While I intended to up my game and SMV before discussing any of our lack of sex, I broke down and discussed that she needs to sort this shit out. She needs to find outside professional help. She denies my vaginismus diagnosis, and doesn't want to talk about sex with a therapist. I told her we have 3 options:

  1. I deal with no sex (which is no longer an option)
  2. I find sex outside our marriage
  3. She fucks me
  4. Get divorced

What she said:

She claims that while she still worries about pregnancy, sex is (when it physically works) kind of painful, not pleasurable, and violating. In her terms, "it feels unnatural". She got very defensive while I maintained frame the entire time. She made an idle promise to "try harder". She's made this promise about a dozen times before, so obviously, I know nothing is going to happen unless I make it happen. Basically, she wasn't fazed or worried that I would leave her. She was irritated about me bringing up the problem, but not worried I'd do anything brazen. It's obvious that DREAD GAME MUST BE EMPLOYED.

I Need Your Help:

I wan't to make this marriage work, but I don't know where to go from here. She sees right through my idle threats. Field report: negotiating desire does fuck all. I'm working on my SMV, but until then I'm a sitting duck. I don't know if I can wait 2 more years until I've perfected game, have an alpha body, and have to beat women off with a stick to prove to her that I'm desirable and that she OWES me a lot of sex. Sex in arrears, and the rear! 10 years without a proper sex life is a painfully long time.

TL;DR:

Fuck me, right? I let my GF/wife control our relationship and deprive me of sex for 8 years. This is 100% my fault. I let it get this way by being a beta-loser, and I fucking married her to boot. I know I can make a clean break, but as like most married guys here, I'd prefer to make it work. The Red Pill can save this marriage. What now?

EDIT: HOLY FUCK. I thought you guys were gunna rip into me, but Christ.... damn near every single one of you says DIVORCE this cunt. I guess my own hamster has been fucking me over all this time.

Regarding potential sexual abuse, when we first started dating BEFORE we had legit sex, we had a pregnancy scare where she took an emergency contraceptive. She even still talks about this ALSO scaring her from having sex today. Just another excuse to add to the list.

She is such a quiet, timid, and bumbling moron in bed that I don't think for a second she has ANY sexual experience with another man, unless she's up for an Oscar. No other man would put up with it.

PS. Thank you for commenting. I truly appreciate all the advice. The most painful part is seeing the "I'm married and I don't usually suggest this, but OP get a divorce" type comments.

EDIT 2:

To any one still reading this, and because I still love my wife and she loves me, I'm going to give /u/BluePillProfessor advice a try. For those of us in LTR's, and just learning to swallow the red pill, it's hard to not fly off the deep end and succumb to the DIVORCE THE CUNT mentality around here. We owe it to ourselves to explore every option available because I legitimately enjoy the non-sexual time we have together. It still feels like we are 19 years old sometimes, just fooling around. It's like the fountain of youth.

I wouldn't feel comfortable divorcing her without seeking sexual therapy first. I'll update the community with how things progress so that hopefully our struggles can help someone else.


[–][deleted] 60 points61 points  (1 child)

Dude I cringed through your entire fucking post.

You need to ditch this bitch and find a girl who will want and enjoy fucking your brains out.

Even if your wife does concede, it sounds like it will be begrudging on her part.

Get her down off the mile high pedestal you've had her on. Its obvious she has little to no respect for you, and probably isn't adding all that much to your life.

Fuck that shit.

But this is just, like, my opinion, man.

[–]LineOfCoke 11 points12 points  (0 children)

forreal. I feel like i just watched the psychosexual torment version of The Pasion Of The Christ.

[–]_and_a_PhD 107 points108 points  (7 children)

Divorce her before she gets pregnant. Full stop.

[–]LineOfCoke 36 points37 points  (2 children)

oh God yes, this. shes go serious physical and mental issues that you shouldnt have to put up with. bail while youcan do so without the "but what about the kids?!" bullshit. You deserve to enjoy sex with a woman that enjoys sex with you.

[–]georgedonnelly 7 points8 points  (1 child)

... before you get any older!

[–]_and_a_PhD 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Word, don't waste your best years on someone that hates you.

[–]rpkarma 24 points25 points  (0 children)

There is literally no other answer. Dude, get out of there. Why are you married or even committed to somewho with whom you don't have kids with if she won't fuck you? You're her ATM, and you get NOTHING from it.

You're literally just a committed, married beta orbiter at this point.

You can't fix this. You can only leave.

[–]jcob-ross 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Holy shit, even blue pillers support this here.

[–]RAL9000 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This, OP.

[–]M2izzie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yes this ... it concerns me that you've stayed this long, but listen to your red-pill brethren when we tell you to divorce this bitch

[–]TogiBear 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty conservative when it comes to marriage. I very rarely agree with divorce.

With that being said, she is a waste of your time. She doesn't care about you. If there was a poster child for beta bux, you would be a great contender. You are so damn lucky you don't have kids.

End it.

[–]W_O_M_B_A_T 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I want to make this marriage work.

1) Your wife would probably like you to be the making the marriage work too. 2) the hamster you ought to be worried about is your own 3) Sunk cost fallacy.

In other words you believe your previous sunken investments somehow justifies continued investment in a deal that was a textbook Pussytrap from the beginning.

Continued investment will not earn attraction and respect from her that never existed in the first place. You would have a hard enough time even if she had respected you and wanted to fuck you at some point in the past..... but that was never the case.

Thirdly you are still desperate for "validation" which is the real reason you cling to your toxic unhealthy unfulfilled relationship. You are desperate to "prove yourself."

Accept that you made a mistake and move on to greener pastures

If baffles me why you would want a marriage to work with such an emotionally and sexually defective woman.

[–]theroyalalastor 61 points62 points  (5 children)

I literally only lurk this subreddit to post in /r/TheBluePill and even I think you need to get the fuck out of this marriage and get your life back.

[–]coolbang 37 points38 points  (1 child)

Oh Lord, even the bluepillers think OP is beta.

I agree with the general consensus, get a divorce OP

[–]MasonJarTeaDrinker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LMAO for real, OP is over doing it on this one.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This might be the most important comment. It should be higher.

[–]Doolybopper 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Same here. I'm not even going to approach this from bp vs rp, he just needs to run before she gets pregnant and won't have intimacy for the next 18 years.

OP is this a situation you would want your son or best friend in? You owe it to yourself to stop trying to save this relationship because I really don't think she is going to work on her side.

[–]theroyalalastor 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah it's not a BP/RP issue, I think everyone can agree that it's a shitty, one sided relationship that needs to end because one partner is simply not willing to make any effort to address the needs of the other. That's not how any functional relationship works.

[–]Endorsed Contributorbalalasaurus 11 points12 points  (0 children)

So she won't have sex with you. Won't acknowledge the problem. Won't get help. Apparently can go without sex for a year no problem. Wears the pants in your relationship. Continuously gives you empty promises and expects you to stick around?

OP the following is a list of things that applies to your situation (either one of these things, a combination of them or all of them together) and they are as follows: a) getting played b) being cheated on c) in a relationship with a woman who seems to have a very shady sexual history d) staying as a beta in spite of your attempts to 'turn alpha' e) suffering from a severe case of oneitis and f) fallen for the sunk cost fallacy.

Face it OP. You need to get out of this relationship ASAP. You have not swallowed TRP because you are not doing or thinking of doing what's best of you by carrying on with this relationship. Judging by your post there is no quality that you have identified about her that sets her apart from any other woman on this planet. In short you have forgotten the basic principle of AWALT. Get out while you can OP. For your sake.

[–]AntixD 11 points12 points  (0 children)

leave nigga leave

[–]1RedPillington 10 points11 points  (2 children)

she is a miserable cunt. end of story. end of life. get out while you can. you said it yourself, she doesn't make any effort. she is content to ride out her misery. you have no reason to accompany her.

[–]RidleySmith 4 points5 points  (0 children)

and even if you COULD turn it around, why the FUCK would you?

Divorce that miserable soul-sucking CUNT immediately and get the fuck on with your life.

My god this has been hard to read.

[–]g4rb4g3account 1 point2 points  (0 children)

she is content to ride out her misery. you have no reason to accompany her. this x1000!

[–]theozoph 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Other commenters did the job, TRP cuts throught the BS once again.

Only thing to add : you owe her nothing, she reneged on every deal she made with you, secured you for financial and emotional support without providing shit, and now you want to "make things work"?

Nope, nein, non, nyet, fuck that shit. Don't sink any more effort into this : divorce it is.

You're still young, 27 is nothing, there's 20 years of banging away in front of you to enjoy, if only you trust in yourself and start working your way up. Don't waste a single more second of it trying to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, and cares nothing for your happiness.

Become.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

20 years of banging? hell naw, you can squeeze out 30-40 more years if you take care of yourself.

[–]theozoph 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Low estimate, true. This being said, as an average your prospects tend to shrink when you hit the high-forties.

[–]HamHungry 27 points28 points  (32 children)

Full disclosure here, I'm a girl. So if you don't want to take my advice you know.

She will never be into you. You need to start fresh. 8-12 times per year is crazy. 8 times in two weeks is considered a bad couple of weeks for my husband and I (together seven years, married three, we have an almost two year old). If she really loved you she would want you to be happy and would be trying to make it work. Sex is actually painful for me every time, bleeding is pretty common. I still do it and enjoy doing it because I want him to be happy and it's bonding. You aren't bonding with your wife, and she doesn't want to bond with you. My guy isn't an alfa, he doesn't work out. You not being "that guy" isn't a valid excuse for your wife to ignore the contract you have together. I still fuck him because I love him and I'm loyal. Find a girl who takes marriage seriously, or just get sex from randoms if that's what you want.

[–]Rpillacc 9 points10 points  (22 children)

he doesn't work out

He should.

[–]HamHungry 2 points3 points  (7 children)

I let him know I'd love it if he worked out and that I worry about his long term health, but he doesn't want to right now. It's his choice, I'm not going to nag.

[–]Rpillacc 1 point2 points  (6 children)

Start going to the gym yourself and invite him along.

[–]HamHungry 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I don't want to give a load of excuses here, but I get exercise during the day since I'm a stay at home mom. He doesn't want to exercise right now, he says he's tired (we do have a toddler, they can be exhausting). He says he'll start when he's less tired. My job is to make him happy, when he gets home I'm not going to dump the kid on him and go work out I do whatever he wants to do. He usually just wants dinner, a drink, to hang out as a family then sex after kids bedtime and sleep. So that's what he gets. When he's ready to work out I'll be here to support him and he knows it. I've asked him for a home gym and he seems open to the idea. Maybe that'll be my Christmas present this year! :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

It's rought in the start, but in the long run having a routine will give you more energy. In his age, it's crucial to lay the foundation that will give him a better life quality in the years to come. Each to their own, but do some reading yourself and you'll come to see the benefit yourself. /r/fitness is pretty good. If he can spare just two hours in a week, he'll feel a lot different.

[–]HamHungry 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thank you! I pretty much said exactly the same thing to him ("it's better to start when you're young, I don't want you to get injured when you're older or have hormone problems, it'll help with your energy levels"). I've always worked out, I have visible abs and I'm a size 0 (I do still want to lose 5 pounds of course lol), I know about the benefits of exercise and lifting.

I just really don't want to nag him. I can't motivate him, that has to come from within him. It's not that I don't know about the benefits, and he knows about the benefits as well. I think his priories are just different right now.

[–]ToddSD 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You are a great wife!

[–]HamHungry 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks, but don't feed the monkeys!

[–]1RPSigmaStigma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are either an amazing woman, or a skilled troll baiting us with TRP porn. Either way, keep posting. :P

[–]breads 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Sex is actually painful for me every time, bleeding is pretty common.

Your husband still enjoys having sex with you, even knowing that it's painful for you every time? (If you're sexually aroused by pain, that's one thing, but if not...)

[–][deleted]  (6 children)

[deleted]

    [–]5BluepillProfessor 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    The big dicked professor with his tiny little wife has some insight for you. Going all the way in (i.e. "jamming it in all the way") with a size differential can cause pain when the head hits the very sensitive cervix. Several positions/pillows can minimize (or maximize) this problem. For example, missionary with the woman's legs wrapped around the back (or spread wide in the air) is a very deep position. Missionary with the woman's feet on the bed allows much more shallow penetration (and can also rub the clitoris better and allow more movement from the woman- results may vary). Woman on top is especially good because you control the penetration level.

    That said, OF COURSE your man gets off on you struggling to please him even when it is inconvenient or even hurts you. That doesn't mean he is a sadist or likes to see you in pain! There is nothing hotter than a woman working to please you- and there is the added bonus of knowing how your big cock is just to much for her.

    So get control of the depth issue- he can get the feeling of 'going all the way in' without jamming your cervix- at least most of the time. Regular vanilla Sex should NOT hurt.

    Finally, not to be too crude- though that never stopped me before- one could give great pleasure to a female with shallow to mid strokes knowing one could switch to the rectum which does not contain a cervix and that once the sphincter is breached one is free to go all the way in without consequence. Most women find this extremely pleasurable, after an...adjustment period.

    [–][deleted]  (3 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]HamHungry 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Right, if the pain was a problem or deal breaker for either of us we would find other people, I wouldn't expect him to live a sexless life is my point. Her pain is not a good excuse to force him to be celibate, he should get a mistress at the very least and should still try to fix herself in the meanwhile. It seems obvious that she isn't interested in making things work, so nothing is going to change for him if he stays.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]HamHungry 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I guess I'm looking at their problem as a whole. I'm not talking about a different situation where she's trying really hard to fix things, I'm talking about this one. If his wife isn't going to have sex with him and isn't going to change she should find him a surrogate vagina. Her pain (and apathy) is not a good excuse for him to be celibate for life.

        [–]AntixD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        you should get that bleeding checked out

        [–]assinmygenes 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        If she respected your needs there would be compromise. If opening her legs is so uncomfortable the least she could do is a weekly bj, but why should she bother because you're letting her get away with it. There's probably little you can do to improve things so take that how you will.

        [–]2niczar 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        Go read /r/deadbedrooms. Weep.

        Here's the thing. You're only 27. Do what you can to change things for a while, but give yourself a short deadline. If by end of year things haven't improved significantly, you MUST get the fuck out. Don't give her the ultimatum just yet, but you will have to lay it out before yours expire.

        DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER. Do not consider it until you've had several years of a fullfilling relationship.

        Here's your plan. Your problem is that you're laying your cards too clearly and she's manipulating you. It's time for you to manipulate her back.

        First, do what's needed to become alpha in your relationship:

        • Lift.

        • Take the lead in all decisions.

        • Tell her what to do / what you're going to do, don't ask her.

        • Stop apologizing to her.

        • Maintain frame at all times. Shut down all shit tests (agree+amplify or ignore are the easiest, read up the side bar for more).

        You've already started obviously, so it's not going to be enough. Time for some manipulative shit. Create and use insecurities. While always keeping frame and never letting any bitterness transpire:

        • Challenge her. She doesn't like sex? Don't complain about it, let her know you think she's unable of being sexy. Do it as a backhanded compliment. "She's not as hot you, honey, but she has a real sexual energy, you know?" Or even use fatpride to your advantage. "Damn [fatso]'s really not physically attractive, but you can tell she's very confident with her body, she must be able to get any guy she wants." Or even older ladies, mention how classy and feminine they are.

        • In the same vein, only ever compliment her as you would an 8 year old girl, never in any remotely sexual way. "Oh you're so cute with that backpack. You look exactly like Dora the explorer!" Only ever kiss her on the forehead. When you go to bed, refer to it as a slumber party.

        • Same for gifts. Don't give her Victoria's Secret lingerie, buy her Care Bears panties "because they made me think of you".

        • Dread game her. Subtly. USE HER as a prop for preselection. Hit on waitresses. "Lose" your wedding ring, leave it in a place where she will find it and could possibly rationalize it as being an accident, but act as if you had forgotten about wearing it (i.e. don't bring it up, wait for her to notice).

        • Sometimes (not always) call her "my friend" in front of other women.

        • If she expresses jealousy, "you're jealous? oh that's so sweet" and kiss her on the forehead. Never apologize for making her feal jealous.

        • If she makes half-hearted attempts at being sexy, shut them down with more asexual remarks. "are you dressing up as a stripper for Halloween?" Don't settle for anything less than her giving herself completely.

        • Never take her seriously. "You're so cute when you're angry."

        • If she talks about having kids, tell her how you'd love to have kids, but enquire "you know kids are a big responsibility. Are you sure you are ready to handle it?"

        [–]1nyrp 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        If there is no plan for kids, and already little sex, what exactly was the point of being married?

        I don't have sex or kids with my brother. You could be doing this with anyone.

        Divorce. This marriage is meaningless.

        [–][deleted]  (5 children)

        [deleted]

        [–]centennaire[S] 5 points6 points  (4 children)

        Yes, I make more money that her. When we were dating she always paid her own way. I really respected that about her. Later on in our relationship she was in school and I supported her, and I still do.

        I understand TRP is gunna think she's cheating on me, but I swear to god she is asexual despite being a beautiful, thin 8/10. She dresses well, looks hot... I know people are jealous of me when we walk down the street together. It just helps to make things even MORE painful.

        [–]KyfhoMyoba 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        Don't fall into the trap of getting hooked on the external validation of others respecting/admiring you for having her.

        [–]AskTRP Endorsed Contributorjamieoneal82 11 points12 points  (2 children)

        Married man here. I've put up with a lot of shit in my marriage from long dead bedroom periods to psychotic breaks, and yes, even infidelity. I'm a pretty big fan of repairing broken relationships. But I'm with most of the other commenters here. You are nothing but a tool to her.

        If you can't bring yourself to end it right away I recommend:

        Go full monk mode right in your own house. Start treating her like a roommate / live-in maid.

        Then hire a PI. I'm willing to bet 90% that she's cheating on you and probably has been from the beginning. I think your diagnosis of a medical problem is your hamster trying to protect your ego.

        Edit: in fact, even if she notices your changes and starts wanting to have sex with you DON'T DO IT. It's a trap. She's probably just planning to play the pregnancy entrapment game and even if she agrees to use condoms will probably sabotage them, or worse will let her alpha fux BF knock her up.

        [–]robesta 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        Then hire a PI. I'm willing to bet 90% that she's cheating on you and probably has been from the beginning. I think your diagnosis of a medical problem is your hamster trying to protect your ego.

        OP, this could be the case. Get out. I fuck my LTR 1 or 2 times a day. Don't put up with this shit.

        [–]blarggggggggggg 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I agree with monk mode.

        Sex is not satisfying for you now anyway and having a kid would be the worst possible thing that could happen to you right now.

        [–][deleted]  (3 children)

        [deleted]

        [–]centennaire[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        thank you for the advice. I know any change will have to be initiated by me.

        [–]Average_Black_Man 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Dude it isn't worth the effort/stress/money. Divorce this cunt. shit even the people from /r/TheBluePill think you should.

        [–]inb4deth 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Everyone here is suggesting divorce which makes sense to me because dread gaming her will ultimately end up in divorce anyway. I don't think there is any coming back from this OP.

        [–]5BluepillProfessor 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        she has a mild case of vaginismus.

        This is more information than I saw before. Please ignore all the "Next" and divorce this bitch from all these eager Alpha pups- at least for now- because I have some good news. This is a VERY TREATABLE medical condition. In fact, the treatment is quite pleasurable (you dilate her with progressively larger dildos until it is not painful to accept one that is even bigger than your dick so then there are no excuses and she will have the confidence that it won't "hurt"). She practices relaxing/meditation while you practice playing with her. What could be a better medical treatment?

        Her sex avoidance is because of fear so learning to enjoy sex is a process. As you have laid out, the only thing that has to happen is your wife has to make the decision whether she wants to go her entire life like this and become a middle aged spinster that nobody wants, or work with her patient and loving husband to fix it. You CAN fix this- if both of you are willing. If not, then feel free to listen to the majority advice.

        But first, make an appointment with your wife's OB/Gyn- GO TO THE APPOINTMENT WITH HER and get a referral to a sex therapist who can help you with dilation therapy. A small amount of valium probably would not hurt her either.

        BTW: There is nothing wrong with quiet, timid, and bumbling moron in bed- in fact that is an extremely attractive quality in a woman. It is your job as her husband to take the lead and teach her.

        [–]centennaire[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        To any one still reading this, and because I still love my wife and she loves me, I'm going to give this a try. For those of us in LTR's, and just learning to swallow the red pill, it's hard to not fly off the deep end and succumb to the DIVORCE THE CUNT mentality around here. We owe it to ourselves to explore every option available because I legitimately enjoy the non-sexual time we have together. It still feels like we are 19 years old sometimes, just fooling around. It's like the fountain of youth.

        I wouldn't feel comfortable divorcing her without seeking sexual therapy first. I'll update the community with how things progress so that hopefully our struggles can help someone else.

        [–]rp_manifesto 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        You need MAJOR dread game. And you need to be absolutely ready and willing to back it up with actions.

        If it was me, I would tell her she needs to either have sex with me, let me have sex with other people so I can fulfill myself sexually, or we get a divorce.

        Its that simple. Fuck this shit. You dont get another life (and even if you do, you might be a bug for the next thousand lives so you need to enjoy the human one while you can). This is the prime of your life.

        You should treat it like such. Hit the gym, eat healthy, go out and do things, have hobbies. You need to be interesting, strong, healthy, and developing yourself. Thats what a man does. I cant explain it, its something really beyond words, but you have to learn to ride your own edge. Once you do you will enjoy it, its amazing, its like constantly getting high on your own accomplishments and progress.

        You dont have to be mean to her, just stern. She needs to understand that you are in the prime of your life, you deserve to enjoy your sexuality, explore it, expand it, and indulge it. Its your right, its your choice. The contract of marriage implies that you are going to be taken care of sexually. Even in a situation of compromise, this isnt compromise. Compromising is like "OK, we can have sex once a week", or shit even once a month with a weekly BJ! Anything is better than what you have now!

        You arent being taken care of. Set your guidelines, tell her what you need and want out of life and from her, and place the ball firmly in her court. Then stand by what you've said and dont budge an inch, dont cry, dont plead. If she freaks out, does everything wrong, tries to guilt trip you, just tell her to leave. Tell her that youre "taking a break" from the relationship and need some space. If you rent the house together, go somewhere on your own. Leave her there alone, and dont tell her where you are going! Even if she knows already cause you are obviously only going to your best friends house, or whatever, dont say a word about it. Just stand your ground and leave.

        Cry, be angry, emotional, and everything else away from her if you must after you've taken that step into dread game.

        Edit: I once walked away from a 2 year LTR because the sex wasn't there. I did dread game and she tried to get me back but I shut her down. I was totally beta then even though Ive always had dread game in me so I didnt understand that the sex would have been there if I just kept being RP and holding my ground and not letting her walk all over me all the time.

        [–]HamHungry 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        She should have to find a new girlfriend for him. He's already put the work in, she should be the one doing the work to fix the problem.

        [–]iluminatiNYC 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        $20 tells me she's been sexually abused. Like I would go to an ATM, give you $20, tell you to go ask her, and expect that $20 bill back in 24 hours with a fresh $20 to match. The fact that you've been together that long without her breaking down and opening up to her traumas is a huge deal breaker. Roll the FUCK out. NOW. It's not going to get better, and there's a decent chance of things getting worse.

        [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        You should probably keep a little more cash on you.

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

        [–]KyfhoMyoba 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        What sorts of remedies have you tried, /u/Umlaut69?

        [–]americnleprchaun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Divorce her, this is a 'full-measure' sort of situation.

        [–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        after 8 years of this shit do you still think you can do things to improve your situation with HER?

        really bro? when are you gonna be able to say enough?

        [–]drqxx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        "A dog is loyal to the one who feeds him. "

        If I was you I would find another and move on; or at the best move into the garage or be separated. Tell her this no sex thing isn't going to cut it.

        I left my wife for this very reason. My ex father in law asked my why I left his daughter. I told him our marriage was sex less. The look on his face told me I was in the right.

        Leave her leave her now. I have been in a LTR with my Eastern euro girl for three years. She is the hottest girl ive ever dated. There is another; find her and fuck her...The red pill way.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Divorce her. Also think the PI idea just to check thats shes not cheating is a good idea, you're probably right but it won't hurt to know, women are fantastic liars. Also recommend key log to find her email and facebook pins to check out if she's been trying for a branch swing. Again, is questionable behavior on your part and an invasion of privacy, but fuck it, this TRP and we're realists. Whatever you decide, best of luck brother.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Go to a relationship therapist so you guys have a person to confide with.

        [–]g4rb4g3account 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        if she won't see a therapist or counsellor or a doctor to deal with this "vaginismus" (i learned a new word, thanks bro) and her underlying intimacy issues, RUN.

        [–]ToddSD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Today's action items: -Hire an attorney -Go apartment shopping. Pick one near a workout gym or in a popular downtown area, not one out in the weeds.
        -Hire a personal trainer to teach you HOW to lift -Pack up your shit and move to a hotel until you nail down the apartment.

        Clean break.

        [–]MasonJarTeaDrinker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Bro....I'm sorry that's a long ass time to have a fucked up sex life. You did this to yourself though by allowing her to mentally manipulate you and promise all this stuff in the future so a big part of this is your fault. I don't have any tips because I'm not married and I've never met a girl with that health problem, I just wanted to wish you some luck and hopefully your sex life turns around. You're still really young and you got a lot of fucking left in you.

        Get em'

        [–]DjBottleservice 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Seems like no matter what anyone here says you are going to try and fix this. Like another commenter said already, you need to set a deadline. I wouldn't give it more than 8 months, a year is pushing it. You've already spent most of your twenties on a women who does not feel the need to meet your desires. At least in my BP relationship I was till having sex 6-10 times a week. With that being said do you really feel obligated to "fix things" or "make things work" when from what I read, she does not? After 8 years of a one sided relationship, is it really worth it?

        [–]centennaire[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        You're right, I should and do have a deadline to fix this.

        My original post might not have described this enough, but my wife has a condition that basically prevents my dick from entering her. You can't really apply hardline red pill ideology to our situation.

        Our relationship dynamic needs to change to accept my leadership. I have done a piss poor job of being our leader and "the man", so this takes time. Red pill leadership applies here.

        If the treatment solves our fundamental problem of the mechanics of sex, then I can assess whether or not she has real sexual desire in there somewhere. The red pill is based on women's inherent desire for a man that's better than them, and as a result we "earn" sex. I can be all that, but if she views sex as painful, scary, etc., then it doesn't matter how good of a man I've become. I'm not dealing with a full deck of cards here.

        I'm going to continue pressing forward with my SMV, and if there is no solution to our problems in the reasonable future, I'm in great shape to find someone younger, hotter, and hornier. It's the mantra all men in LTR's should adopt if they want to have sex with their women on a reasonably consistent basis.

        [–]DjBottleservice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Good luck brother, I hope everything works out for the best. If you need further advice, you know where to look.

        [–]Counter423 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Leave bro.

        And don't get married again.

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

        [–]captainbloodd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Bullshit on the vaginismus thing. You've given way too much power and control to her to really do anything at this point it seems. You can't sit her down and have a rational conversation with her where you dump all your feels on her.

        The only things left are dread game or leaving her. I have a feeling leaving her will probably be the best course of action.

        [–]Zefwano 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Do exactly like the Craigslist guy. Go get a vasectomy, don't tell her about it, have it documented by the doctor you're shooting blanks. Hell, you said it yourself you want to live kidless, why not do it?

        Then once you play enough dread game and get her to come around, wait until she pulls out the "I'm pregnant" card. It'll be glorious, you can inform us of all the details about how her hamster goes plaid speed and we'll all get a good laugh out of it.

        [–]LS_D 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Someone made a comment in another post that's relevant for here ...

        This relationship, is already an established BluePill situation ... and No RedPill 'thinking' or behavior is going to work on it to change it!

        Sorry bro but it's time to "start again"

        Just consider yourself lucky you are still young and there are no children involved in this 'trainwreck' of a relationship .... it's the only way

        [–]NotQuiteRedPill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        So, what's the situation now? Did you make any progress or did your blue pill thinking make you feel like some other "no, this step will actually work" process might finally work? I am curious, not as a "we told you so" but as a legitimate wonder if this step worked for you.

        [–]flatox 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        [–]caius_iulius_caesar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Men get married for sex. Women get married for money.