I'm new to TRP, and I'm in a jam. I've had sex with my wife only a handful of times in over 8 years.
I've been a beta-loser my entire life. But I've now seen the light and am making the transition to be a redpill man. Thanks, TRP bros!
We're both 27. We've been married 2 years, and have been together for over 8. She is beautiful, and I'm very attracted to her. While I'm an attractive guy, I've always questioned her physical desire towards me. More on that later.
Sex has always been a sore point. I now realize our relationship has always been on her terms. When we first started dating, I escalated towards sex, but it only finally happened after 6 months once she was "ready" (she has been in control of our relationship since the get-go). We had sex twice before she realized that birth control was destroying her body. She quit the birth control and that killed our sex life. Neither of us really wanted kids yet, so I didn't put up much of a fight.
Condoms weren't enough to calm her hamster, nor could she agree to any other birth control method but besides, I was too beta to force the issue anyways. Since then, our sex life has been "hands only" with occasional oral for about 7.5 years. I can't believe it's been that long.
Throughout our relationship, I took her qualms about sex at face value. I believed her when she made excuses about birth control, and I didn't want to disrespect her by forcing her to do anything she didn't want to do.
Later, she began pressuring me to marry her, and I eventually succumbed. We have a great time together when shes not being a cunt bag constantly shit testing. The non-existent sex life continued, but not without me trying to negotiate desire from her. Obvious blue pill mistake. Nothing ever lasted and it only served to frustrate me even more. I even began to resent any woman I saw; even the ugly ones. I knew even fat ugly chicks/dudes were having more sex than I was.
During our engagement I demanded that our sex life improve once we got married. She agreed. (Queue me taking her at face value, again) The hamster explained that once married, she'd be more open to the risk of getting pregnant despite our mutual desire to live kid-free.
On the honeymoon, after practically begging for sex, we learned that she has a mild case of vaginismus. (I say mild because there are girls out there that can't even take a finger.) Since then we've tried a handful of times, and only sometimes can we achieve penetration. Basically, we've had sex 3 times in two years of marriage, and 5 times in 8 years. That's why I'm here fellas. I'm losing my fucking mind.
My wife hasn't made a single fucking effort to figure this out despite many discussions about it. It's clear to me that she doesn't have much sexual desire towards me. In all fairness, she has little sexual desire in general. She is a sexual camel. She could go a year without anything at all. Typically, she drip feeds me sexual intimacy 8-12 times per year.
Since discovering The Red Pill about a month ago, it pains me to read about some of your guys lives. Spinning plates while not taking any shit. Good on you. Wish I discovered this place years ago.
What I've done:
I've been digesting the sidebar, MMSL, the MAP, Rollo, RooshV, learning game, etc. I'm trying to become a leader in our house, and gain control. Become a better man that has purpose other than to provide for her. The problem is, my wife is very dominant. She has worn the pants, historically. She has been responsive to some of my new day-to-day dominance/leadership, such as where to eat dinner at, or when to go grocery shopping, but she resists when I don't put up with disrespectful or childish behavior. I can tell this is going to take some time. (Side note: I actually get a kick out of her bullshit now. She says hilariously disrespectful shit to me when I don't supplicate or submit to her.)
While I intended to up my game and SMV before discussing any of our lack of sex, I broke down and discussed that she needs to sort this shit out. She needs to find outside professional help. She denies my vaginismus diagnosis, and doesn't want to talk about sex with a therapist. I told her we have 3 options:
- I deal with no sex (which is no longer an option)
- I find sex outside our marriage
- She fucks me
- Get divorced
What she said:
She claims that while she still worries about pregnancy, sex is (when it physically works) kind of painful, not pleasurable, and violating. In her terms, "it feels unnatural". She got very defensive while I maintained frame the entire time. She made an idle promise to "try harder". She's made this promise about a dozen times before, so obviously, I know nothing is going to happen unless I make it happen. Basically, she wasn't fazed or worried that I would leave her. She was irritated about me bringing up the problem, but not worried I'd do anything brazen. It's obvious that DREAD GAME MUST BE EMPLOYED.
I Need Your Help:
I wan't to make this marriage work, but I don't know where to go from here. She sees right through my idle threats. Field report: negotiating desire does fuck all. I'm working on my SMV, but until then I'm a sitting duck. I don't know if I can wait 2 more years until I've perfected game, have an alpha body, and have to beat women off with a stick to prove to her that I'm desirable and that she OWES me a lot of sex. Sex in arrears, and the rear! 10 years without a proper sex life is a painfully long time.
Fuck me, right? I let my GF/wife control our relationship and deprive me of sex for 8 years. This is 100% my fault. I let it get this way by being a beta-loser, and I fucking married her to boot. I know I can make a clean break, but as like most married guys here, I'd prefer to make it work. The Red Pill can save this marriage. What now?
HOLY FUCK. I thought you guys were gunna rip into me, but Christ.... damn near every single one of you says DIVORCE this cunt. I guess my own hamster has been fucking me over all this time.
Regarding potential sexual abuse, when we first started dating BEFORE we had legit sex, we had a pregnancy scare where she took an emergency contraceptive. She even still talks about this ALSO scaring her from having sex today. Just another excuse to add to the list.
She is such a quiet, timid, and bumbling moron in bed that I don't think for a second she has ANY sexual experience with another man, unless she's up for an Oscar. No other man would put up with it.
PS. Thank you for commenting. I truly appreciate all the advice. The most painful part is seeing the "I'm married and I don't usually suggest this, but OP get a divorce" type comments.
To any one still reading this, and because I still love my wife and she loves me, I'm going to give /u/BluePillProfessor advice a try. For those of us in LTR's, and just learning to swallow the red pill, it's hard to not fly off the deep end and succumb to the DIVORCE THE CUNT mentality around here. We owe it to ourselves to explore every option available because I legitimately enjoy the non-sexual time we have together. It still feels like we are 19 years old sometimes, just fooling around. It's like the fountain of youth.
I wouldn't feel comfortable divorcing her without seeking sexual therapy first. I'll update the community with how things progress so that hopefully our struggles can help someone else.