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Honest Feedback From a Girl Who Just Dumped Me (self.asktrp)

submitted by cyanidez

I just got dumped about an hour ago. I prepared myself for it because she said "we need to have a serious talk" so it's not stinging so badly at the moment, but chances are it might in a while. It was the most drama-free breakup ever. I kept my composure and hugged her goodbye in the end.

Either way, before I left I asked her if she can honestly give me some feedback about things I could have done differently and I am very glad I did. I present to you, unfiltered and as close to her words as I can remember, feedback on where I could have done better.

If you have any feedback on these points, I would really appreciate it.

1. I did too much for her; she can run her own life

Spot on. I have broken the rule of emotional investment numerous times with this girl over the past few weeks.

Where she have been receptive but very slow to invest from her side, I have certainly found myself investing more. Bought her stuff for the kitchen. Took food over on a bad day etc.

She said that she never wanted any of that because she's been okay on her own long before me and she doesn't need a caretaker. She acknowledged that, although some people might like my behaviour and see it as polite, it honestly irritated her to no end.

2. Indecisiveness

I have been struggling with this my entire life. I actually attended an assertiveness training class earlier this year because I became very aware of how I delegate decisions to other people in my life. It's one of my biggest struggles. I censor myself the whole time because I don't want to risk alienating and losing people. The sweet irony here, however, is once again glaring. It's exactly that which caused more loss of attraction.

After my divorce a year ago I felt like I was completely without an identity. I didn't have a clue who I was. I now again have to go back to what my therapist recommended - figuring out what I like and don't like, who I am, what types of people I like or dislike etc. She definitely had a rock-solid identity and I simply could not compete with it.

This one sucks a lot because I have been putting in hard work on myself for almost a year now, starting with NMMNG and moving on to the other things like the assertiveness class, reading everything Red Pill and so on. But I guess you can't undo 32 years of behaviour in one year.

3. It seems like I'm hiding something

This one was a bit confusing in the beginning, but I know exactly what she picked up on. Because I don't truly believe in myself as a high-worth guy yet, because I "fake it til I make it" with a lot of TRP theory and because I honestly just feel unsure about myself and what I'm doing, I think I must have projected an incongruence that she picked up.

I tried to not put on a performance as I've done with all previous girls (creating a persone which I think they want), but rather be honest about who I am. The funny thing is, I was still "trying" to be myself. Don't know if anybody can understand this, but that's still not actually being true. But it's part of the loss of identity as mentioned above. So I intellectually know the right thing to say most of the time, but my underlying behaviours which I can't hide still give it away that something is not fully congruent and honest here.

I have no idea how to solve this. On the one hand I so badly want people to like me. On the other hand it's a never-ending, exhausting show to put on. And I always feel like I have to put on a show, because I have this deep-seated fear that nobody will really like me for who I am.

4. She doesn't feel as attracted to me as she thinks I do towards her

This one fucking stings. This one is the aggregate result of all of the above other points, I assume. She said that when she considers how much she is attracted to me, she sometimes just think "meh". That's right, cringe. I have never had a girl tell me that, ever. Instead I have many memories of girls begging me not to leave them because "I am the best thing that has ever happened to her". So this one just fucking hurts at the moment.

Right now I just have to keep thinking that it's impossible that every single girl will find me attractive. As above, there were girls who were infatuated with me and her hips automatically started grinding in my presence, so I have to take this in context of the bigger picture, but still... fuck man.

TL;DR

Girl just broke up with me, gave me some very honest feedback before I left, any help on how to improve on these points will really be appreciated.


[–]1redhawkes 35 points36 points  (14 children)

Everything is in the sidebar. You just have to read it.

You're making mistake after mistake, relying on what she said.

The truth is, you behaved like a beta chump, she lost tingles and branch swinged to another dick. The second she initiated the 'we have to talk' you should know that your turn is over.

  1. She doesn't feel as attracted to me as she thinks I do towards her

This is the core thing. You should be the prize. Women don't like / aren't attracted to what they can have. They want to chase you. That's why you never stop improving your SMV. The second you put her on the pedestal, you get this, and usually it's because of scarcity.

No big deal tho, too many hoes to give a fuck about this one. Block.delete.ghost on everything cos I guess you're going to text her just to 'see' what she's doing etc. Hit the gym hard, and game other chicks. Also the sidebar is waiting for you.

[–]michaelkc03 2 points3 points  (6 children)

Solid advice, but I have to say it because it’s eating at me.

Why does everything we do as men have to be for the purpose of tingling the pussy?

The red pill has solid advice...lift, find a purpose, and value your time.

But fuck man, I’ll be damned if I’m going put all my time into chasing thots.

It’s like the whole philosophy of trp is for the purpose of pleasing women.

I enjoy pussy as much as the next guy but the bar of hypergamy continues to rise. Aka More and more time you’ll have to spend just get your dick wet....

Not to mention that comes with the risks of pregnancy, stds, and crazy hos throwing rape allegations your way. Diminishing returns.

Play devils advocate for me...

[–]failingtheturingtest 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Because this is TRP. The advice is sexual strategy for men. Therefore the "to get pussy" part is heavily leaned on. As you seem to have partly figured out, most of the advice remains just as true in other areas. If you are fit, successful, confident and maintain frame, all of life works better for you.

The part you seem to have lost, however, is to read any of this as "to chase pussy". Most of it can boil down to "be fit, successful, confident and maintain frame and pussy chases YOU"

[–]michaelkc03 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

“The chase pussy” part is implied. It just feels like “Align” with what society and women define as success aka money, get fucking jacked, and swim in pussy.

Now don’t get me wrong, those things are all great and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want more of each.

But shouldn’t it be the opposite? Instead of women and society defining our success shouldn’t I define my success.

Now I see where I’m wrong...is that TRP is supposed to be complimentary to the system we live.

I’m just saying I feel like the most masculine thing is to say fuck the system, I define what’s success in my life...even if that’s not what everyone else perceives as successful.

Again, not attacking...just discussion.

[–]Agrees_withyou 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You've got a good point there.

[–]failingtheturingtest 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because TRP is a strategy. It is what works, not what's right.

Should you be allowed to get fat and play computer games and be the nicest guy in the room if you want? Sure. But if that was making you happy, you wouldn't be on a subreddit that focuses on having more successful relationships.

People come to TRP to discuss what works, what gets them laid, what gets the the job, what gets them the things they want in life.

Defining your success is absolutely your power. If it relies on having anyone else buy in (pussy, family, business, money, fame) then you're going to find that success much more reliably with a system that deals with people. Like TRP.

[–]1redhawkes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No dude, you got it all wrong. Tell me where you read that you should make women your mission? That's not how it works.

Read and internalize everything on the sidebar and the recommended books and you'll realize that the thots are lagging indicator of success - a side dish, not the main course.

You do this because that's how you see yourself, strong masculine man, not boy, to make your live better and live in the full capacity and abundance. Put your mission and yourself first, everything else is noise.

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude, I hear your frustrations but it was all just lifted when I finally understood what TRP is really about. We who just casually browse some top posts really do not get it yet, you have to read the sidebar and especially the book - the book was the thing that made it clicked for me.

I went out after that breakup to buy some steaks to balance out my momentarily crushed man-ego and I walked out of there with steak... and a new girl's number. We're going on a date tonight. The power of not giving a fuck.

Here's the link, do yourself a favour and read it: http://www.redpillhandbook.com/

[–]cyanidez[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

This is the core thing. You should be the prize. Women don't like / aren't attracted to what they can have. They want to chase you. That's why you never stop improving your SMV. The second you put her on the pedestal, you get this, and usually it's because of scarcity.

This has been the most difficult thing for me so far. That's what I'm faking - being the prize. Gotta work on this self-esteem of mine.

I have the entire Red Pill Handbook, so I'll start reading again. Thank you for the feedback man.

[–]Psychocist 8 points9 points  (5 children)

That's what I'm faking - being the prize. Gotta work on this self-esteem of mine.

Read up on mental point of origin, locus of control, frame, etc,

If you keep working on it you will reach a stage where your self worth and value are ONLY determined by you. As in you are the only person who is permitted to pass opinion on that and all other opinions are disregarded. It's all about what you allow into your internal world. Don't forget that you are the gatekeeper to your own happiness. It's all on you.

You have to get to a point where you understand just how inconsequential other people's thoughts and opinions are (including mine right now) and habitually devalue and disregard everything by default. From that clarity you then *choose* consciously what you believe deserves you attention. Spoiler: not much. People are retarded.

Just make sure you pair that with radical self-honesty - do not repress or hide or mask anything. Know who the fuck you are and know it well, then accept it. That's the only thing you gotta get right.

[–]cyanidez[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's all about what you allow into your internal world. Don't forget that you are the gatekeeper to your own happiness. It's all on you.

This is such a great share. I read something the other day to the effect of "you would be never just give your body away for other people to harm however they want to, so why do you give away your mind to people to do the same?"

Spoiler: not much. People are retarded.

Haha! Yeah, guess everybody is as lost or more than I am anyway.

Just make sure you pair that with radical self-honesty - do not repress or hide or mask anything. Know who the fuck you are and know it well, then accept it. That's the only thing you gotta get right.

Just solid. Thank you man, this gives me hope. Appreciate you taking the time.

[–]Hugegains55 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Holy shit why did this post almost cause me to cry.

[–]Psychocist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well I hope will rouse you to make some meaningful changes! I wasted majority of my 20s in a pit of despair and insecurity for no reason. I think in those moments of low-empowerment we forget just how in control we are.

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Read up on mental point of origin, locus of control, frame, etc,

I had to come back now, two days later, to comment on this.

In my daily meditations I tried something since you made this comment: actively see where my external locus of control is (it was faaaar, faaaaaar outside myself, aka other people) and I just moved it back in towards my own core.

Now I have made the shift to stop and ask myself what I want first before asking somebody else. In most cases I don't even have to ask anybody for their opinion anymore because I can learn to trust myself now. I'm not retarded, I'm freaking awesome and make good decisions as I have a lot of wisdom! I just needed to learn to tap into that.

This has been absolutely revolutionary and a wave of calm flows over me even as I type this. Thanks man, this was one of the big shifts I had to make and although I was aware of outsourcing so much of my decisions to other people, the way you phrased it just made it click for me.

[–]Psychocist 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is amazing to hear! Thanks for coming back to share it. I only made this shift about two years ago. If you've spent many years building momentum in the opposite direction it may not happen overnight. Be prepared to take a couple steps back. You will likely need to consciously cultivate it for a while. Of course, after 2/3/4 years of thinking like this it will just become more and more ingrained.

Another important point to recognise is the shift from other-responsibility to complete self-responsibility. Turning to yourself first also means blaming yourself first.

[–]Endorsed Contributor: "The Court Jester"GayLubeOil 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Why would you post a list of female recommendations to the Red Pill: when the Red Pill has one of the most pessimistic views of female Logical capacity on the internet?

Hey guys I know you think that women are irresponsible emotional child people but here's a child-persons advice that ima follow unironicaly

Please tell me you're just a beta and not a retard because I can't fix the second one.

Let's go through her list:

  1. Regardless of what you did for her and the necessity of doing so at the time she's going to exfacto interpret everything in the most negative way possible. It's called state dependent memory. The same actions can and probably were interpreted positively in the past.

  2. This just sounds like depression and anxiety. Let's not attack the depressed for being depressed.

  3. This is boiler plate garbage. She let you fill in the blank once you did she used everything you said against you like an American police department.

  4. This one is true since she broke up with you.


Anyway there's no way a man who squats 225+ ass to grass wrote this. Work on your depression anxiety and poor stress threshold by lifting. Focus on moving up not on what people beneath you are saying.

[–]cyanidez[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Haha dude, thanks for the tough love.

Please tell me you're just a beta and not a retard because I can't fix the second one.

Mostly beta, despite the token effort as it seems now I have put in so far.

It's called state dependent memory.

Fascinating.

Anyway there's no way a man who squats 225+ ass to grass wrote this.

Ha! I had to comment on this one: no jokes, I am squatting 220 now with 5x5. But lifting clearly doesn't just solve everything, it just helps. I'm hitting it again hard tomorrow. And need to get my head straight on, sort this anxiety and shit out. Thanks bro.

[–]it_takes_the_redpill 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's called state dependent memory.

Fascinating.

This is a very common occurrence; it happened to me as well when I broke up with my girlfriend. Look into it, and you will see why you should take everything she says to you around the time of the breakup with a grain of salt.

Look into the lightswitch effect and you won't be as shocked by what women say around breakup time. Helpful in cultivating stoicism.

[–]jamesbond8181 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Her first three points are good, so is her fourth one. Though you should realize when she talks about the fourth one, she is talking about the present.

She did like you at a point in time, that’s why you guys dated.

She doesn’t like you now, that’s why she’s leaving.

[–]cyanidez[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes she definitely did like me a lot. It's clear now how bizarre it works in their heads and how they let go of you before you have the talk.

She doesn’t like you now, that’s why she’s leaving.

Dammit, this is 100% correct.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yeah, I just wanna say check out r/ExNoContact. Good luck man.

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you man. I feel alright, gonna make it. Appreciate the support!

[–]Fun2badult 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Dumb question here. What is the sidebar and how do I access it

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Red Pill Handbook

There you go my friend.

[–]Fun2badult 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cool. Thanks

[–]cl3537 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This isn't a business deal this is a women she isn't rational the way men are.

Never ask for feedback again, what she gave you is not useful information, you played right into her frame( you were already there) and if she isn't in your frame her attraction will wane.

The next time some girl wants to have a 'talk' just don't even bother and cut her off, no communication. If you must go to such a talk, as soon as she says she is breaking up, just say okay and leave with no emotion, don't give her closure or any parting affection. Just say good-bye show no emotion and cut off all communication, you don't have to delete/block her that is butthurt just don't contact her.

If you do it that way there is a chance she might come back a few weeks or months later, the way you did it she never will as she will just validate her hamster bullshit reasons for breaking up with you.

As an FYI even though women are a terrible source of strategy info she confirmed the following RP concepts:

1) Don't be needy and validation seeking or be the guy always trying to win her approval. Don't go out of your way to do things for her to "win her over".

You always want the girl put in more effort than you put in.

2) You must be in control and leading the relationship, planning activities, making it clear what you want.

3) You can't just pretend to be higher value, women will figure it out soon enough. If you project confidence you actually have to have the achievements (lifting, career, money, game) to back it up or that illusion will eventually fail.

4) You were too highly invested in her and she felt it. You were kissing her ass too much. You need to have her invest in you by getting her to be more compliant and getting her to qualify herself to you more. In short you need to be more selfish.

[–]justicecantakeanap 1 point2 points  (1 child)

she just mememememememe'd you

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly what my best friend said. He just said out of the blue: "she sounds very self-centered". Well, nailed it.

[–]screechhater 1 point2 points  (1 child)

WITF ?

Do you even lift ?

So you have a list, and yet, you know all this so much so, you have a therapist ?

Let me tell you something, get out of your victim mindset. People can take care of themselves, and you should take of number one, first and foremost.

The biggest disappointment for her, is you think so little of yourself, that she has to give you a list.

[–]cyanidez[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I do, finally hit 220 squat with 5x5. As mention in another reply, lifting is awesome but doesn't solve all inner issues. It just helps build self-esteem. Any other constructive criticism?

Edit: Ah I see your update. Yes, taking care of myself should always be #1 and I let that slip. Valuable lesson to learn and I'll try not to make the same mess of it again, thanks bro.

Edit 2: Another thing, I wonder if it isn't exactly because I am in a "victim" mindset that I treat other people the same way...? Hmmmm.. things to ponder upon. Thanks.

[–]Senior EndorsedMattyAnon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She said that when she considers how much she is attracted to me, she sometimes just think "meh".

Too much commitment.

Commitment kills attraction, and you don't want to commit to girls who aren't attracted to you. Ergo: you committed too much.

[–]suckymeh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't need the validation of other people's approval. My lifestyle is different than most of my peers.

I've been living as a nomad loner. It can be unhealthy to be less social, but it's also because I'm doing MY thing. I've moved City to City, pursuing my goals (career and lifestyle). On a daily basis, I'm going to the gym, meal prepping, researching future goals (health, travel, investing). Soon I'll be teaching myself Spanish and guitar. I fit in time for an occasional date, and slot in a fuck buddy or two. But really, there not much time for anything else.

Maybe you need to find yourself, your goals, and make yourself your top priority. Who cares if other people approve?

[–]Droogas 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Tell me some more about that assertiveness class, never heard of it.

[–]cyanidez[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Was presented over 6 weeks. The psychologist who presented it went through things like speaking up for yourself, setting boundaries and so forth. We also had a lot of practice which was probably the most valuable part of the course. Although I think that the book "Not Nice" is by far the best resource for speaking up and being more assertive, the course was still a good experience. I can recommend it.