I just got dumped about an hour ago. I prepared myself for it because she said "we need to have a serious talk" so it's not stinging so badly at the moment, but chances are it might in a while. It was the most drama-free breakup ever. I kept my composure and hugged her goodbye in the end.
Either way, before I left I asked her if she can honestly give me some feedback about things I could have done differently and I am very glad I did. I present to you, unfiltered and as close to her words as I can remember, feedback on where I could have done better.
If you have any feedback on these points, I would really appreciate it.
1. I did too much for her; she can run her own life
Spot on. I have broken the rule of emotional investment numerous times with this girl over the past few weeks.
Where she have been receptive but very slow to invest from her side, I have certainly found myself investing more. Bought her stuff for the kitchen. Took food over on a bad day etc.
She said that she never wanted any of that because she's been okay on her own long before me and she doesn't need a caretaker. She acknowledged that, although some people might like my behaviour and see it as polite, it honestly irritated her to no end.
I have been struggling with this my entire life. I actually attended an assertiveness training class earlier this year because I became very aware of how I delegate decisions to other people in my life. It's one of my biggest struggles. I censor myself the whole time because I don't want to risk alienating and losing people. The sweet irony here, however, is once again glaring. It's exactly that which caused more loss of attraction.
After my divorce a year ago I felt like I was completely without an identity. I didn't have a clue who I was. I now again have to go back to what my therapist recommended - figuring out what I like and don't like, who I am, what types of people I like or dislike etc. She definitely had a rock-solid identity and I simply could not compete with it.
This one sucks a lot because I have been putting in hard work on myself for almost a year now, starting with NMMNG and moving on to the other things like the assertiveness class, reading everything Red Pill and so on. But I guess you can't undo 32 years of behaviour in one year.
3. It seems like I'm hiding something
This one was a bit confusing in the beginning, but I know exactly what she picked up on. Because I don't truly believe in myself as a high-worth guy yet, because I "fake it til I make it" with a lot of TRP theory and because I honestly just feel unsure about myself and what I'm doing, I think I must have projected an incongruence that she picked up.
I tried to not put on a performance as I've done with all previous girls (creating a persone which I think they want), but rather be honest about who I am. The funny thing is, I was still "trying" to be myself. Don't know if anybody can understand this, but that's still not actually being true. But it's part of the loss of identity as mentioned above. So I intellectually know the right thing to say most of the time, but my underlying behaviours which I can't hide still give it away that something is not fully congruent and honest here.
I have no idea how to solve this. On the one hand I so badly want people to like me. On the other hand it's a never-ending, exhausting show to put on. And I always feel like I have to put on a show, because I have this deep-seated fear that nobody will really like me for who I am.
4. She doesn't feel as attracted to me as she thinks I do towards her
This one fucking stings. This one is the aggregate result of all of the above other points, I assume. She said that when she considers how much she is attracted to me, she sometimes just think "meh". That's right, cringe. I have never had a girl tell me that, ever. Instead I have many memories of girls begging me not to leave them because "I am the best thing that has ever happened to her". So this one just fucking hurts at the moment.
Right now I just have to keep thinking that it's impossible that every single girl will find me attractive. As above, there were girls who were infatuated with me and her hips automatically started grinding in my presence, so I have to take this in context of the bigger picture, but still... fuck man.
Girl just broke up with me, gave me some very honest feedback before I left, any help on how to improve on these points will really be appreciated.