How to respond when wife is overly complimentary of another male (coworker and or work superior) (self.asktrp)

submitted by InChargeMan

Hello All! For the following hypothetical, what is the appropriate response?

Your wife occasionally works with a male who is well respected in their world, and whenever she does work with him she comes home and mentions/compliments him multiple times throughout the evening. Not necessarily complementing things beyond his professional performance and capabilities, but bringing it up with a frequency that is uncomfortable to you and it kicks in that some appropriate reaction is necessary. This happens every time she works with this man, lets say once every week or two.

My quandary is that on one hand, you don't want to respond in a Beta way by encouraging the behavior and complimenting this man. On the other hand, if you indicate jealousy by telling her "enough about Mr XXX" or something like that, you are exposing insecurity.

So far my chosen answer/response has been to nod the head a bit, showing that I hear her, but not responding in any positive or negative way, then moving on. Basically responding as if she were telling you about how she switched to a new yogurt that uses free range goats or something else unremarkable.

After a half a dozen identical times with no change, I'm wondering if there is a better response. I assume the intended result is to show her that you are not threatened, but also to not be disrespectful by excessively praising another man.

The wisdom of the experts is sought. Thank you!!!

[–]TRP VanguardArchwinger 39 points40 points  (15 children)

"Brad from accounting is so organized!"

"Ooo sounds hot. Does he like men?"

The idea isn't to convey, "I'm not threatened and I don't think you're going to cheat." The idea is to convey, "I wouldn't care if you cheated. I'm just having fun with this conversation. It's well-understood without either of us saying a single word that if you cheat, you're gone, and I'll be balls deep in a younger, skinnier woman in about 10 minutes."

[–]1ANGRY_ATHEIST 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Ooo sounds hot. Does he like men?"

Does this answer still apply if he actually does like men?

edit: please stop downvoting me, this is a serious question as it has actually happened to me before.

[–]MrSnarf26 15 points16 points  (16 children)

If my experience with most women is applicable to your wife you don't want to hear it man. It doesn't matter what she's saying- the fact she is talking about him a lot is damning. The words are not important it's the action of having him on her mind. She is either very attracted to him, or is already involved with him secretly knowing a lot of women (remember- all flings start out as "he's just a friend" or "he's just a great guy"). If you were just dating her and she brought up another guy I would back away for a few days, but since it's your wife just try teasing her about it and being physically playful. If she enjoys you doing that it's probably nothing to worry about just a shit test, but if she recoils and gets very defensive, well, good luck.

[–]InChargeMan[S] -1 points0 points  (15 children)

I appreciate the response. I'm 1000% that there is nothing going on. But wouldn't be surprised if there was a little crush or something rattling around in that head. We have a very good relationship and generally business is being handled well on all fronts. It's just this one has me stumped a bit.

They aren't close in any way, just lots of compliments about him when she gets home, about how everyone always says "he's a superstar", and she likes working with him because she learns a lot.

[–]Wheyman92 15 points16 points  (7 children)

How you could ever be 1000% sure about anything in life, let alone something as irrational,illogical, and emotional as a woman is beyond me.

[–]InChargeMan[S] -5 points-4 points  (6 children)

Generally agreed, but over the years I've been able to draw out a pretty good schematic for what is going on in there. Usually I can tell what she is thinking before she even knows.

[–]Gawernator 17 points18 points  (0 children)

If that were true you wouldn't be posting here or needing this advice

[–]Nergaal 10 points11 points  (1 child)

the hamster is strong with this one

[–]2ndLion 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Maybe he is hamster whisper

[–]ben0wn4g3 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh you poor little puppy

[–]2niczar 8 points9 points  (0 children)

What's the % of cuck who've said that, in your opinion?

[–]2niczar 8 points9 points  (6 children)

Trust me, you're 999% wrong. Think about it, how often do you express your appreciation for a man on a regular basis to your wife? Maybe if he's your mentor or some celebrity who's paying special attention to you, but rather unlikely, so basically never. Now how about a fuckable woman? In what condition would you think it appropriate for you to repeatedly laud a woman whom you could be considered to want fucking and whom your wife doesn't know personally?

Seriously, try to come up with a scenario.

The only one that makes sense is when you're so completely obsessed with that person that you can't even stop yourself from talking about her in the most inappropriate setting.

So there it is: your wife is obsessed with that guy. She's wet thinking about him, in fact she's wet all the time because she thinks about him all the time, even when talking to you. In seduction, women who talk to guys they find attractive never bring up other men they find attractive. They specifically avoid the topic. When they do, it means you're so unfuckable, you might as well be castrated because your dick does not exist in her universe.

In other words, your wife has friendzoned you.

The best case scenario here is that she hasn't fucked him yet because the entrance to bathroom at the office is not discrete enough.

To answer your question, what you should do is say you'd love to meet the guy next time she mentions him, she should invite him and her wife over for dinner. Discretely setup video recording [ed: for the proposal, not the dinner] so that you can look at her reaction with some perspective later. Any reaction other than reasonable enthusiasm should be viewed with extreme suspicion. If she squirms, hesitates or makes any excuses, contact a divorce lawyer yesterday.

[–]MAX_Fury 1 point2 points  (5 children)

OP is fucked anyway... this is a divorce waiting to happen. Why invite another man into your house when your woman.... ahem... ex-wife keeps talking about him... ultimate cuck right there.

OP, contact a divorce lawyer yesterday... this shit is GONE south, you are friend zoned and its time to move on.

[–]upvoteguy2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

what if the wife is playing the dread on the husband?

[–]InChargeMan[S] -5 points-4 points  (3 children)

You guys have quite an imagination :)

[–]LethalShade 0 points1 point  (2 children)

RemindMe! One Year

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[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]BusterVadge 9 points10 points  (0 children)

If you're not already doing it, this is where you start running dread game.

[–]look4wolfpack 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Sometimes I think TRP community overthinks everything and they forget they're allowed to just be a selfish human who is making decisions based on value offered.

  1. You screwed up by getting married, so now you've got too much invested in this woman and she has your testicles (and wallet) in a vice, oops.
  2. Every male alive would be annoyed by their wife constantly complimenting another man, it's not like you're showing some "blue pill insecurity beta behavior bux" by not responding with a "cocky and funny agree and amplify" program. The reason AA works on shit tests is because it implies you don't care, but if you really care a lot and you try to pretend you're super casual (with your wife...) then it comes across as someone trying too hard to play head games.
  3. You have three possible approaches. First, you can admit you're jealous, because you are, and just not do it in a childish way. Like "Hey, I don't really enjoy hearing about this guy, it makes me uncomfortable that you talk about him so much. Let's change the topic." Second, you can do TRP marriage and imply her value is in question and you have other options (which.. uhh.. you're married? really want to dangle the divorce/cheat card?) such as "You know I think it's really great that you're so willing to openly share your crush on this guy. There's this hot girl at work I've been dying to tell my guy friends about, but if we can trust each other this much I'll just tell you instead." Then proceed to describe said hot girl and how she impressed you by being more than just a great pair of tits and legs. Third, you can just move on and take care of your own happiness instead of depending on your wife's behavior to make your life comfortable. Unfortunately, this option is fairly limited for you because you're married and well.. your happiness DOES now depend on this woman's behavior. Sorry.

TL:DR; Moral of the story is don't get married because eventually everyone will annoy you given enough time together. Signing a legally binding contract is therefore a pretty weird choice.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm happy with being married. But in terms of gen pop, I'm on board with the idea that too many people jump to marriage for uncertain reasons.

Effectively marriage is a self-renewing contract, that is valid until revoked. In the past I've toyed with the idea of an agreement that automatically terminates after X years unless it is actively renewed. I wonder if that would help all parties to be better mates, since they are no longer complacent?

Contrary to some of you, I believe there is an immense amount of happiness that can come from sharing your life with a long term partner, a different kind of satisfaction than what you can get from frequent short term sexual conquests.

[–]look4wolfpack 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The alternative is an airtight prenup that puts the fear of god in her because she can't separate you from your money/property in a divorce. Either way, not a fan of marriage myself.

[–]MeatCurtainRod 9 points10 points  (4 children)

She is seeking validation from YOU to be able to keep doing this shit. Shut it down immediately, but use agree and amplify with humor. Do not hesitate to emasculate him.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Thanks! Any suggestions or examples for this case? Since there is no sexual tone currently being used, is it appropriate to bring that into the mix, or can that have the opposite effect? Most likely this is all innocent, just not a fan of hearing about how great some dude is at his job more than necessary.

[–]MeatCurtainRod 1 point2 points  (1 child)

No, don't bring up anything sexual unless she does. Stick to what she says, because she is already thinking about him. No need to add sexuality into her thoughts while she has him firmly planted front and center of her imagination. You have to understand she is shit-testing you to see how much of a pushover you are in the face of a dude she deems superior. You simply cannot insult him or say she is wrong, because her mind is already made up, and is reenforced by others in her work environment.

This is a tricky one as you don't want to come off as insecure. If there is anything she says about him that you find incorrect, just casually point it out and immediately go into a different conversation about something at hand. Or if there is something she is describing him doing or saying, casually bring up a story of someone you know at work or whatever of doing or saying the same thing, and bring up how stupid that person was. If this doesn't work, then try dread game where you start talking about this hot female coworker in the same way. The key is to first shut down her train of thought of connecting this dude to superiority, then the next step is to replace that view with yourself.

One of my friends uses the "......... ok" or ".......... aaanyways" as an answer if she asks you about what you think about what this dude did. This only works if you are calm cool and collected and NOT angry looking, and are able to shut down the conversation by taking back the frame of the conversation.

[–]2niczar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That won't work. He needs to call. Offer to have him and his wife over for dinner. Watch the wife's reaction.

[–]AlphaManliness 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Every time she mentions him, initiate a blowjob with her to teach her some manners and through the act remind her who's property she really is. If she does not like being sexually over written , find some other girl who likes it. The young girls really like it, So start ignoring her more.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha, I think we're past that point of no return. Generally things are awesome, and I don't think anything is meant by it. She'll do the same thing about women as well. Just trying to squash it in the right way.

[–]trpcpt 2 points3 points  (1 child)

"Is his wife hot? Maybe we could do some swappin'!"

[–]Tamarin24 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like this one. Then again I've never been married so...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd be more upset that your wife either lacks adequate care for you or is socially/relationship inept.

When in LTRs, I did not mention other women to my GFs repeatedly in a complimentary way, especially if I saw this other woman regularly and the GF did not know her nor could observe the interaction.

It is called dread game here to do this, and I can see the point in that it works. But I found it to transgress basic human decency because I knew it would inspire anxiety or hurt.

She either doesn't know this or doesn't care.

A man's work performance is as much a part of his SMV as a woman's tits are to hers. This is the equivalent of you mentioning your secretaries body to her over and over.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

You know what the problem is, don't you???

The problem is that you are a pussy that is afraid of some dude at work who does his job well.

Why THE FUCK does this intimidate you????

"Chad from Corporate is soo smart at meetings!! And he dresses sooo well!!"

Grin, get a sparkle in your eye, and ask " Oh honey, do you think I have a chance... he is sooo dreammyy"

This is hysterical as an issue.

But the sad sad fact is, Chard from corporate bothers you by existing... yet he doesn't even know that you are alive...

I'd work on the problem. ( its that you give a fucK)

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I see where your coming from, but trust me, it isn't that bad. I'm very successful and don't have intimidation issues.

I was more looking for advice on how to handle it from a behavior modification standpoint. If she was going on about how great some lady at work is (also happens), I would tell her that I've heard enough and not that interested. In this case I just wanted to be sure it doesn't come off as sounding like jealousy.

TLDR. It isn't the dude that bothers me, its how to educate her that I don't want to hear her going on about guys that aren't me without sounding like a butthurt pussy.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

So you are asking how to let your lady that you are bored with her topic?

Change the topic... that is it.

If she gets any ideas out of that, thats on her, and you should tease her endlessly about what a silly cute girl she is being... because 1. She thought her boring story was interesting and 2. because she actually thought you gave a shit ( about guy case)

Or, you know, you can handle it the same way...

Worry about her frame less... it shows insecurity.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Point taken, thanks!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I am not an expert but this is what I have learnt by reading and my own short experience.

It all boils down to one's self-esteem. If the man is confident about himself and his abilities, and is in complete charge of his life, he won't feel threatened by the other guy she is talking about. No need to qualify himself and compare himself even mentally in imaginary scenarios. I have been a victim of this when I got jealous of my best friend because my crush would approach him for help. I constantly felt uneasy around him, ignored his calls and I pushed him away because of imaginary scenarios I ran in my mind about what could have been going on between them. The only reasons I remember for this is - 1. Severe Oneitis 2. Fear of breaking out of comfort zone with her 3. Life for me was like an accident(skipped Grad Admission exam, no dedication to study and experiment in my domain, no hobbies) 4. Self Esteem issues(comes from reason 3)

You don't show anything or try to compensate because it shows when we are trying to do so [faking alpha], you simply become grounded in your own reality and your self-worth. And no seeking for validation or trying to pull that man down. This will be stupid. This is what I think should work for us.

That is a person's opinion, not the reality. Who knows if that man is same as he is being described by the woman.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

This has been my instinct, which is why my response is a lack of interest. If I bring it up then I'm saying it bothers me (it only bothers me a very small bit, it is more of a principal thing where I don't want her to be in the habit of complimenting other men around me). I don't it is intentional, so my thought was that lack of attention would show I'm not in the least bit threatened. Insulting him would not go well, since I don't typically go around insulting people for no reason, it would be apparent.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Seriously speaking, it is not a thing worth giving so much of your time and mind. It fucks the mind in the long run I tell you. And you are not in competing with him for anything. Keep working on yourself and give that man a run for his money(I'm joking, just do it for yourself because being a badass is a reward in itself) And get hold of any overthinking if you are doing it. Half of the problems come out of these hypothesis we keep creating in our minds.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed, thanks for the advice.

[–]casemodsalt 0 points1 point  (1 child)

All I can say is that it's better to not inform women of what they are doing wrong, because they will learn to hide it better. Just pretend like you don't notice. Pretend to be oblivious. See what else they try to get away with

Delete lawyers, hit up Facebook, hire a gym

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed, that is why in this case my instinct was to just let it be, instead of sending it underground. This way I can at least catch something easier.

Actually, my policy has always been "open door" regarding cheating. From day 1 the deal was she can always come to me if she feels the need to cheat, and we can work out whatever issues or desires are making her feel that way and find a solution. This would be instead of sneaking around and fucking up the family, kids, etc. Now, in a practical sense, the "open door" policy mostly means that if she is thinking of cheating I'll help her find the open door with no hard feelings... I believe this is a more civilized approach than sneaking around, getting caught, everyone fighting and a lot of distress.

[–]vicious_armbar 0 points1 point  (1 child)

deleted What is this?

[–]InChargeMan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess your right. Fucked big time, fairly regularly, often pretty loudly at that....

I love being married, wouldn't trade it for anything. With that being said, also wouldn't trade wife, most women seem to be much nuttier.

Sometimes I have to listen to otherwise masculine dudes in my line of work whine like little girls about their women problems. Sounds like their living in a little cage of hell they've help construct, so I can sympathize with a lot of the more extreme reactions from some of you, probably a bit of projection from personal experiences.

[–]ArizonaRob 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Do you work with other people?

"Sounds like Brittany we just hired for reception. I think she'll be in sales in no time she's killing it everyone loves her."

[–]InChargeMan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I'm the boss. Something like your example doesn't phase her, she trusts me and as long as we're discussing professional traits there is no hint of jealousy. From my OP, she will regularly compliment women identically as well, which I obviously DGAF.

I think the horse is dead by now. Thanks to all!

[–]ecosci 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She doesnt respect you and she is seeing if she can get away with it by calling you insecure if you confront her its a planned exit in the making women never tell the whole truth only little signs to see. I think she has always been fucking him but uses work to cover it up because in her twisted mind she thinks you has told you the truth and it will be your fault anyway betas always lose out because of no other options, go find some hot young babes to play with forget about your wife she will sense the competetion and will be horny again for you works like a charm.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

or shes just rustling your jimmies intentionally.

[–]exbp -1 points0 points  (1 child)

When she's with you she tells stories about how awesome Chad is. Make sure that when she's with him she has stories to tell about how awesome her husband is.

  • Perhaps that's already the case and there's no problem.

  • Perhaps you're not good enough for her to sing your praises -> improve.

  • Perhaps you're at the top of your game and she's still out looking -> dread.

[–]InChargeMan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good point. Significant evidence/research over the years has confirmed the first case. But with that being said, I think I can step up a little light dread, I haven't needed it in a while but I'm sure it could use a booster.

By the way, thank you to everyone for responding. I'm new to TRP, but luckily have been instinctively following the basics since the beginning. Happy marriage, I'm very successful, great kids, wife is very successful, we're busy so sex frequency isn't as high as I would like (about 2X a week), but the rule is I rule the bedroom, what I say goes.