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My girlfriend wishes me good night but I can see her online on WhatsApp until late. Is she cheating on me? (self.asktrp)

submitted by Stanhasone

Before you start saying I'm super paranoid I just want to give some background. First she hates WhatsApp and social media in general and hardly ever uses it. In fact the time she does it is to chat to me. Secondly she has recently started a new job and finishes at 12am. We always wish each other good night just before we sleep. Over the past few weeks she's been wishing me good night after work when she has got home like at 12:30 but I've noticed she's still last seen on there at 3am for a couple of days now. Before this new job she would always last be seen when we both said night to eachother and we would sleep.

Not only that but today she did the same thing but also she changed her profile PIC in middle of night. Her old profile PIC was a cute holiday snap which she had for last 2 years but this new one is more like a erotic selfie duck face which is very out of character for her. Feels like she's changed it to impress someone.

Combining all these together and I think she might be potentially cheating (emotionally or physically). Maybe with somebody from work who she has given her number too?

What do you think? How should I deal with it? I want to talk to her about it but fear driving her away with my insecurity if I'm wrong.


[–]1HS-Thompson 65 points66 points  (4 children)

Stop caring about this stuff. Literally, just ignore it all it's meaningless. Stop checking her Instagram and who she likes, stop paying attention to what times she's logging in and out, etc.

This is all clutter and useless information and you shouldn't have it floating around in your brain. Focus on yourself and what you want in life and ask if she's delivering what is needed in the relationship in the real actual world.

This sounds like a simplistic answer but it's really the correct one. Don't stalk your girl online, stop caring about it. That space in your brain should be used for thinking about things that will improve you and your life mission.

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 7 points8 points  (2 children)

/u/stanhasone (hopefully this isnt your real name, dox risk)

What Thompson said and you need to stop with the goodnight shit. Unnecessary. Just go to sleep.

[–]The_Khunz 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Think you meant to tag /u/stanhasone

[–]Senior Endorseddr_warlock 0 points1 point  (0 children)

fixed

[–]returnofthemackX 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You should not do those things, unless you have a gut feeling that something is up. Then the information will be useful.

[–][deleted] 84 points85 points  (3 children)

Maybe shes wondering the same thing and checking out why youre logging off so late.

[–]PeopleHateThisGuy 61 points62 points  (0 children)

This is the hilarious answer, and I hope it's 100% correct.

[–]goingright32 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Lol. That was my first thought. The later it esculates the more mutual paranoia is created.

I'm joking op this is a legit concern

[–]Redredditer4 44 points45 points  (5 children)

Met somebody at the new job. Been there done that.

Dread the fuck out of her and prepare for the worst.

Don't even call her out on it as it will just drive her farther away and you will come off as needy and chances are she will lie anyway.

Dread and work on yourself while you distance for a couple days.

[–]goingright32 14 points15 points  (0 children)

This.

If you confront her she will gaslight the hell out of you and make you feel very small.

[–]PantsonFire1234 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Exactly, something happened at the job. Girls are to easy at this shit. Seen it happen to many times. Whenever they transition into something new in life- they swing.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]disposable_pants 24 points25 points  (1 child)

    Then she's already gone. At least dread will help him get ready to be single again.

    [–]mada0207 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Doing dread towards the end of a relationship really, for me at least, helped me deal with a lot of the break up pains.

    [–]Mustaka 28 points29 points  (7 children)

    Dont mate guard. It will not end well.

    [–]dukeluce 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Well looks like you have an answer. Just replying to say that I had same experience. You would not want to start an argument over this.

    Before you continue with the dread plan and all grab her phone casually just to browse something cause you don't have enough battery life or what other excuse comes to your mind and wait for her reaction. Gut feeling + her reaction will tell you what you need to know.

    If still not sure try whatsapp calling a friend cause your phone died and look for reactions.

    If you still feel not sure well screw that. You don't want to spend your time with someone who makes you feel so uncomfortable. Distance yourself and start living again.

    [–]sirfuckboysupreme 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I agree! Your gut is giving you warning signs- she's acting off. Kill your phone and ask to call a mate or get a file/pic you sent her via whatsapp.

    Gut feeling plus her reaction will tell you what you need to know without even getting access to her phone. Then start your dread game and get ready to move on. Because AWALT.

    [–][deleted]  (10 children)

    [deleted]

    [–]TheRedStoic 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Don't worry about the why. The fact is, you're uncomfortable with her actions yes?

    Then find someone who doesn't make you uncomfortable. There's plenty of others out there. Demote to plate and move on. If the pictures were for you, you'd know it. They could be for her girlfriends, her ego, another guy, whatever, doesn't matter. Do you feel OK with it? No?

    Then don't settle with it. No need to get butthurt, just go find someone who fits you more.

    [–]1thebaldbear 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    She should be obsessing over your Last Online times on social media and wondering who you might be talking to, not the other way around. She is the one who holds the power.

    Read the side bar and prepare yourself for the end of your relationship. Go to the main subreddit and sort the entries by Top - All Time. Then do the same for the comments of the main posters.

    [–]lanky32 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    She has either already cheated on you or she is looking to branch swing.

    I had a very similar experience with my ex, I had doubts based on change in her whatsapp activity. My gut was that, she was cheating. I was right.

    You can ask hr directly but that won't help because she will lie outright, if she has not got a firm hold of the next branch yet. If she has already branch swung, you will get to see the coldness in her behavior that you had never expected.

    The duck face selfie has been put to impress someone.

    If I were you, I would distance myself. If she comes back, well and good. If she does not come back, you know what the answer is.

    The bonus is that you would not look like a needy bitch to her. You would get to have your dignity.

    [–]PantsonFire1234 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    How did you find out?

    [–]lanky32 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    She started making excuses for meeting up. I distanced myself. She did not panic. I learned from sources that she went back to her ex.

    [–]PantsonFire1234 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I see, I never got to find out about my ex's but after a year of TRP I can't help but wonder. I think all of them do it.

    [–]It_just_got_Worse 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Go lift, the main thing you should be concerned about is you. Your improvement is what matters, understand you can't be on that mindset of wondering about her 24/7. If she wants to cheat, then she's going to cheat but keep in mind it's her fucking up and there's really nothing you can do other than move on to the next one. Don't make it a big deal because we all have that gut feeling for a reason, you have to be willing to take a loss. It's frustrating as fuck in the beginning because you have all these questions and no answers, but focus on yourself instead and you stand to gain alot more

    [–]illusiveab 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I know this is difficult but you have to be willing to give her up at any point in your relationship. The idea that there might be someone else doesn't actually matter because she doesn't belong to you. If you are unhappy with your relationship with her, dread her. If you don't see any change, demote to plate and maintain dread. The whole point is that you're not just hanging around on her terms.

    I'm going to paraphrase her but the only way to mitigate your chances of being cheated on is to be the type of man who she'd be afraid to lose. Chances are that you're more invested than she is and she senses this and things never end well this way. You need look deep and re-prioritize your shit if this is the case.

    Ask yourself: where does her time and energy go?

    [–]disposable_pants 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    What you need is more information. I can think of at least two good ways to get it:

    1. Next time you're hanging out, mention how your phone is dying. The first time you get to a part in the conversation when someone has to use their phone (need to navigate somewhere/look something up/etc.) ask to use hers or (preferably, if it's just out in the open) pick up hers. If she guards her phone carefully that's a big red flag. If she's fine you're probably on the safe side, too.
    2. Come up an excuse to drop by her place late at night on occasion. Use something that fits with what you usually say when you come over or fits with your life -- either you're working late, or you couldn't sleep, or you wanted to help her sleep, or you ran out to a drugstore near her place, or you were out with friends, etc. You know she's up at night (and awake enough to dick around on her phone), so if she's hesitant about seeing you that's a red flag.

    Be ready for pushback/pressure flipping/blame shifting. If she asks why you need to use her phone or insists on doing it herself (and again, you've already explained that yours is dying and it really shouldn't be a big deal for someone in a relationship) tease her about hiding something from you -- see how she reacts. If she asks why you're coming by so late tease her about going to bed early or locking you out when you've already driven to her place. Don't give away why you're doing these things (i.e. because you've seen that she's up late on her phone); just have plausible deniability and handle any of her objections like the shit tests they are.

    [–]PantsonFire1234 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    recently started a new job

    very out of character for her

    Your gut is already telling you she is up to something. Always trust your gut. Women that enter a new phase in life are quick to branch swing or cheat. Women who suddenly change do so because a new man made them change. You certainly didn't provoke that erotic profile pic, did you now?

    Demote to a plate right away. You should never be afraid to lose a girlfriend. In fact, I personally always hope they go away after a while.

    [–]youguess123 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Thats exactly how i got cheated, i would suggest when you are together to get her phone in your hands and see how she reacts.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    pro tip: turn off the last seen info and the reading confirmation.

    way less paranoia, way less drama. you'll thank me.

    [–]ecosci 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    It doesnt matter they all will cheat sooner or later just be ready to exit at that time its the nature of women dont be suprised you always need to have options like if she cheats i go hang out with xy or z that shit drives the ladies crazy.And she most likely is cheating all the signs are there women branch swing TO alphas and swing BACK to betas.

    [–]Anonpill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Trust but verify? You don't want to call her out either way, but you don't need to next if your assumptions are wrong. Gut feeling is strong though.

    [–]mehdreamer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I would say she's chatting with another man...for 99%.

    Try to be patient and collect more hard proofs... Then if she's chatting with a guy...confront her and order her to stop.(If you care about her....otherwise dump her) If you had proofs that she met with him/fucked him....confront her and DUMP her.

    [–]mehdreamer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My question to all of you guys? Is chatting with another dude can considered cheating? what best to do? Demote her to plate? Dump her?

    [–]PabloEscoba 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Shes a whore. Ghost her.

    [–]RedBigMan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    By the time you suspect she's cheating, odds are she's already fucking Chad.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Why do you care? If she cheats go lift weights and find another one. It should only take 2 weeks. I dont have a single form of social media. I dont even think about that shit. Its gonna become a self fulfilling prophecy if you keep caring.

    [–]El_Serpiente_Roja 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The gut doesnt lie, its there for you.

    [–]gggkin 0 points1 point  (6 children)

    Most of advice here are very bad. A girlfriend is not a plate. Relationship, which I assume is what you have here, takes times and effort to build. You don't just throw away large investment just because you have "gut" feeling that it's no longer a good investment. You do that with plates.

    If I were you, I'd rather just put some voicerecording/nanycam in her place for a couple of days for confirmation. If she cheats, then dump her. If not, than you know that this relationship is worth putting more into.

    Yes, it's a very horrible thing to do but it's even worse to just dump her out of gut feeling alone. If you wrong, you'd throw away a still perfectly good relationship which probably took you months/years to build. If you right, there's no way you'd know and you always have the "what if" flashback hanging over your head. It's a matter of choosing the lesser evil here.

    And no, I'm not going to "take the high road" and confess about the spying at least for a long time. Simple guilt is a very small price to pay in this case.

    Again, I assume that you've been dating her for 2 years. It'd be such a waste to throw all that away because of some "hunch", without confirmation.

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    True, op should make sure something is going on before blowing shit up. But if he distances himself he will know the answer since if shes seeing someone she wont give a fuck that he distanced himself. If shes not cheating shell be reaching out to hinm.

    [–]Zxcy111 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Nanny cam? Wtf a relationship is based on trust, what do you think will happen if she finds the nanny cam?

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]Zxcy111 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Perhaps the trust part is overdone, but a nanny cam is a real dick move. Spying on someone can be very harmful, it's like someone broke in your home. You won't feel safe in your own home for a long time. What I'm saying, yeah she is a bitch but taking away someone's privacy is shitty!

      [–]saber_fsn -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      I think you are a stalker beta cuck. The easy solution is just to ask whether he can look at her phone and see where is the chat

      [–]PantsonFire1234 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      You. Are still stuck. In LaLaLand.

      [–]flatox 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      this new one is more like a erotic selfie duck face which is very out of character for her.

      There should be some kind of rule to read the bloody sidebar and pass a multiple choice questionnaire before you can post in the site lol.

      Fuckin' AWALT. Get it through your think skull lad, better now than later. In any case, i'm sure you'll find out soon enough.

      [–]bumbuff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      More and more of these posts are less about trp and more /r/askmen