The Redpill has ruined my life and yet I can't stop reading. (self.asktrp)

submitted by greatman05

TL;DR: I don't even know what I am saying right now. I am just frustrated that women have treated me like this and I'm not even attracted to them. I don't know what to do about my frustration besides keep reading until I finally take meaningful action.

I am a 5'7.5", 120lbs, 23 year old black gay male making 35k as a computer technician. I don't care if you don't like the gay part.

Ever since I got to redpill a few months ago, my confidence has shattered. I normally didn't care about my height or size or anything about trying to increase my value; I just didn't care. Only what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be mattered, and I didn't care what anyone thought of it. If I wanted to sit in my room and do nothing, that was my choice to make. I thought as long as I was different from my father, I'd make it in life.

Reading posts on there got me to thinking about my life.

I was always a shadow. Never picked on, but never paid much attention to either. It got worse in high school and I couldn't understand why. I'm here now, feeling isolated at work and at home, and it's driving me insane. I'm not even a quiet person; I've never really had a problem speaking my mind and talking to people (I've gotten better at randomly talking to people). I've always been confident in public speaking.

The one thing I remember most was that I never received physical touch outside of family. Maybe I'm ridiculous for this, but physical touch is what makes me feel alive. I didn't feel human for a long time; you could say that I was an alien until I turned 18.

I have failed at everything I tried to be good at besides school and computers, so now I'm trying to become a professional League of Legends player. Of course, I'm failing at that too. It doesn't help that I hate my career now thanks to learning how low value it is and I badly want an escape.

God blessed my grandfather with boxing ability and a sturdy muscular body for a 5'7" - 5'8" guy. He blessed my Dad with height (6'+) and the ability to fix cars. He gave me a brain and the ability to fix computers. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I at best have a small toned body and nobody cares about nerds. Why would he curse me like that? I want to be big! I want to be able to walk in public and be fully confident! I practically look like a boy still and that's definitely how people treat me.

I don't know what to do anymore. The only point to my life is living for other people. I don't have a point. I'm not strong enough to just eliminate myself, so I just endure it and suffer.

This affects me so badly because I realize that the way women treat me is the same way many men on the sub have been treated. Orbiters, BB, white knights...I am none of those and yet I am treated like them. I care so little about women I couldn't attempt to care less and yet the way women treat me still affects my life.

What is the worth of my life if I have determined it doesn't exist? How will I ever be anything if I am nothing? What is the point of working towards an ideal I will never reach? Why couldn't I get better genetics?

EDIT: B.S. in Comp. Sci degree; also currently ~50K debt. Programming is boring. IT only pays for management? I live in a shack with my roommate.

3 months in and it is a harder pill to swallow each time. Just reading and thinking for now.

[–][deleted]  (6 children)


[–]greatman05[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I have only been into /r/theredpill for a few months. I have a long road ahead of me.

Thank you.

[–]Ragnobash 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The journey of a thousand miles starts with but one step my friend.

And I'm 40 and just learning this: wish this existed 20 years ago.

[–]Endorsed Contributorbalalasaurus 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Solid advice ♂

[–]RedSovereign 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Point granted.

[–]Mike29401 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This. So much this. The power to change your life is in your hands.

(And I used to fuck this dude who was 5 ft 6 and 225#, muscle on top of muscle, insanely hot. Height isn't that big a deal.)

[–]japantz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The TL;DR is this:

"You can't be whatever you want to be. You can be whatever you work to be" -- Jordan Matthews, Philadelphia Eagles WR

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Look man, as much as TRP helps a lot of guys, some dudes just can't handle some of the philosophy of it. There is nothing in the universe that says you are worthless if you aren't a true alpha chad, we just place importance on that quality. If you were happy before and TRP is making your life worse then just take the parts from it that you can connect with and you think can help you and ignore the rest.

After all the real goal isn't to be a classic alpha, it's to be happy. If you are truly happy with the way you are then fuck what anyone including the people on this site tell you. TRP is to help men who are not happy with their lives, take what you need from it - it doesnt have to be a complete package deal.

[–]brokenshelf 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Welcome to TRP and, more specifically, welcome to the Depression Stage. I've lived with depression for most of my life, so I have some tips for you.

so now I'm trying to become a professional League of Legends player

For starters, cut this shit out right now. Professional video game playing sounds wonderful. So does professional football and baseball, but guess what, 99.99999999999999% of the world will never, ever do those things. Unless you've been doing it your ENTIRE LIFE and are also REALLY GOOD and TALENTED, you'll get no where. Start looking for a real job. I wanted to be a professional musician when I was younger. Guess what? I'm a decent guitar player but the industry fucking blows and so do the people in it. Not a smart way to make money.

He gave me a brain and the ability to fix computers. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Oh, I don't know. How about anything? A whole hell of a lot more than fixing cars and boxing, that's for damn sure. The world is literally run by computers now. Control the computers and you'll control everything. Start finding a specialty, start studying and find a way to get back to school if you need a degree. Computer science is literally one of the most lucrative professions in human history.

What is the worth of your life? Don't ask me that, it's not my job to answer that for you. Only you can give your live value. Cry if you have to, then strap up and get serious. Women are not the end game. You are the end game.

From here on out, you will not do something just because you want to get women. You will not do something for a woman just because she is a woman. You will put your needs and future as priority number one. People will start to dislike you. People will start to envy you. This is good, HATE is good. You have to guide your hate, nurture it, turn it into something of use, like crushing a piece of coal until it's a diamond. Hate is your fuel, your coal. And then, one day, your hate is peace. Peace of mind is your diamond. Follow the one true path of self-reliance and you'll wake up one day thinking, "What the fuck was I doing? Why did I let the rest of the world determine my self-worth?"

Ask yourself this: Do I want to be strong? Do I want to be noble, generous, kind, physically fit and mentally at ease? Do I want to have complete control over my emotions and the way I interact with the world?

Or do I want to cry like a fucking bitch and end it all now, with nothing to show for it but a tombstone with some pithy quote about how the sun has set too early on my life.

I'm willing to bet you know which of those is the correct response.

Look, I get it. I've been you. I am you. We all are, and most all of us have been in the same position. But we've recovered, and you coming here is the first step in a life long road to being a better person. It's going to hurt, oh yes, it's going to hurt more than anything you've ever encountered in your life. But it'll be worth it.

So now, make the choice. Become a better person, someone worth listening to, worth consulting and admiring. Become a man. Or don't.

In the end, nearly everything that happens in your life is based on a conscious decision that you make at some point. Your hate (and your fate) is in your hands. Focus your hate, turn it inward on your failures and your weakness.

In the immortal words of Eamon Targaryan: "Kill the boy, Jon Snow. Winter is almost upon us. Kill the boy, and let the man be born."

EDIT: While not a great sum of money, $35k a year should net you a place to live on your own and an acceptable car. These two things will increase your value DRAMATICALLY. Also, most of us don't care if you're gay or black. Your actions are the only true barometer.

[–]ioncehadsexinapool 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Jesus man. Let me tell you something, it's simple.

The best a man can to is to become the best man he can be.

Thats what you can work toward. That's your purpose. I went trough something similar to what you've mentioned. I have terrible gyno, even though i'm 5"9 160 lbs. People used to call me cone tits, "still do sometimes" But i've learned that improving my life can make me happy. Whether it's developing good habits or working hard in school and getting good grades.

My point is, and you are in control of you happiness, always. And it's never going to change unless you take action.

Also take a look at some of the other comments here. There's a lot of smart people here. Think of trp as "being a man" facing reality, and making your life better.

[–]DreamBoatGuy25 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Reading TRP can definitely torpedo a guy's self-esteem but dude, you're gay! I'm not sure why you're letting the harsh Redpill truth about how women judge men in terms of sexual strategy get you down when you can basically completely ignore women and live a happy life.

Do you have any idea what a jack pot you hit? All of the bullshit games and hypergamy, the shit tests, and asinine worshiping of money, social status and confidence that we have to deal with because we're attracted to women, you don't!

I know a few gay guys and they've told me the differences between dating men and women, a lot of times a gay guy doesn't have to do anything more than make eye contact with another gay guy across the room and they both automatically know it's on. Then it's straight to sex, no muss no fuss. I guess being gay doesn't change the fact that men are the sexual initiators, so you put two initiators in the same room together and they're gonna run into each other head first in seconds.

On the other hand we have to go through endless amounts of bullshit LMR and making sure we're seen as alpha fux and blah blah blah, it's an endless mountain of bullshit.

And you get to avoid it all because you were lucky enough to be born being completely unfazed by pussy. Having no attraction to it all. You can just sit back smugly and chuckle at all the monkey games and acrobatic hoops we jump through because we're attracted women.

Embrace it, man!

[–]greatman05[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most people can't tell that I'm gay unless they're gay themselves; I consider myself a "top". Since I'm a typical nerd, women treat me like a straight guy. That means I usually get treated like an Orbiter/BB.

My ex treated me like a BB; told his friends I was his "cash cow" while he invited one of his highschool friends to live with us and fucked him twice while I was at uni.

Even with the confidence to occasionally call people on their bullshit, that still bothers me deeply.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Hey, we congregate on /r/alttrp. It's pretty dead but every time somebody shares something (like this) it gets a little more active. Take a look! To the rest of you: I'm going to give the best gay RP advice I know how, it will sound different than your typical RP advice because it is a little different. Also I'm still in the process of swallowing the pill and have major strides to make still.

Don't worry about your height. You can't change it so there's no use kicking against the goad.

There is one thing in this life that is completely under your control: your thoughts. You will have to change your thoughts in order to succeed. I'm broke after college too. What am I doing about it?

I'm working to enter my career field. Working out. Staying in shape. Reading great books. Fucking dudes (grindr is so easy). Be happy that you don't have to play the games that women play.

Let me tell you a little about my experience:

Depending on which type of guy you're going for you're going to play a different game. If you're going for the best guys, you're going to need to not care much. Work out, have a good job. Get great pictures on grindr. The fact of the matter is that the pictures you have on grindr will determine whether a dude meets you. If there's anything remotely bad about your picture, don't share it. On grindr I look for any defects in the pictures that I see before I meet somebody to fuck.

I've managed to accumulate several great pictures that I can share and can attract most any guy who's into my type, which is most, since I'm a 24 yo 6' tall white man. You're not this. I have to tell you that you're not most guy's ideal. The good news is that most guys aren't most guy's ideal.

But what's really attractive in a guy? You know this. A guy who makes money, doesn't take shit, works out, and has his life together. If you can do these things, you'll find guys that you're interested in. These things are attractive to gay men for almost the same reasons they're attractive to straight women. You're showing that you have value. If you can organize things, ideas, and people around you, you are attractive as a gay man. Your mind and body are your greatest tools. Use them.

Work on paying your debt off. Maybe in the short term you'll have a lower apparent SMV because you're not getting cool new things. Whatever, that's fine, you're 23, you should know that your SMV isn't near it's peak anyways even if you were making a bunch more money. I'm 24, I'm still not where I want to be, but I keep working on it. Never give up.

I'm not strong enough to eliminate myself, so I just endure it and suffer.

That's a bad thought. You can do better. Remember - you choose your thoughts, and your thoughts are what lead to actions, which create your circumstances. You are where you are because of your choices. There are some things which you didn't choose - your height or race or your age. Don't worry about those things. You have something far greater going for you: you're still very young and you have the ability to think and choose your destiny. Choose right.

Most of the guys you'll meet on grindr aren't interested in anything other than sex. It's very easy for gay men to get sex. If you're a top I'd recommend going on grindr. If you're a bottom, I'd recommend not going on grindr. A top who has fucked a bunch of bottoms is a stud, a bottom who takes dick all the time is a slut, just like with men and women.

There is a very strong SJW component in the gay community. Just avoid these men. It's like talking with women. Also avoid women. Don't have a 'bestie' who's a woman. She's just holding you back. I cut ties with a girl who's been telling me for years that she's my best friend. I've never acknowledged her as my best friend, just that she's been a good friend but the truth is, she's vapid, bland, only interested in herself. She's a woman. We don't have to deal with that. Don't deal with men who never become men.

And that's also why you need to become a man. If you want to attract the best men, he won't be interested in men who are basically women, just as you won't be. You're interested in successful, fit, attractive men. Be that man yourself then. As gay men looks are very important, yeah, but the other typical RP stuff applies.

The most interesting finding to me is that alpha gay men act like alpha straight men. The problem here is that in order to attract another alpha for some sort of relationship, at least one guy needs to show some weakness. For me, if I show a little weakness and the other guy shows none, I lose interest. And if the other guy shows a little weakness and I don't show any back, it's because I wasn't interested in them.

Gay men can show weakness and still be attractive, but not initially.

Again, I'm still working all of this out. There is no concise school of thought for gay men like there is for straight men.

A guy that I've been talking to started showing me too much weakness. I've lost attraction to him mostly. He's got an uphill battle. In my mind, weakness has to be shown but without losing frame. When I show my weakness to another man, I do it without expectation that he'll do the same, without expectation that he's going to support me, without any expectation. I am just showing my weak point. If he shows me his weak point as well, then I understand that he's actually interested.

Until weaknesses are shown, it's just two guys acting uninterested in each other. Interest is a weakness. Unfortunately, one has to show weakness to other gay men in order to get them to show weakness. Again, I ask myself "why do I need to show weakness at all?"

Well, I guess you don't. I've had some fuck buddies. No weakness shown. But here's the crux: if you treat men like TRP would have you treat them, you're either going to end up with a beta who pines for your love (how unattractive) or a fuck buddy. And of course with the rampant rate of STDs in the gay community, you have to be careful.

Also, dick is like water. It's everywhere. You go on grindr, you're gonna get propositioned for sex. Gay men don't beat around the bush. Within the first message you'll likely be asked for sex. Guys will send you unsolicited dick pics. Point being, wear a condom, always. 1/5 gay men have HIV. 1/5. That's absolutely insane. For sexually active black men, the number is closer to 2/5. Be. Fucking. Careful. HIV medicine is effective but causes health problems and can cost thousands of dollars per month. And there are other STDs.

Gay men are especially promiscuous. As a result the sexual strategy of the best gay men isn't to spin plates. Maybe this contradicts what I said about tops being studs, bottoms being sluts. Nah I don't think so. You get fucked enough you'll lose that ability to form meaningful connections. But if you try and spin plates, well the kind of guy you'll get as plates (fuck buddies) also have a bunch of other fuck buddies. Who have fuck buddies. You're gonna catch something eventually. Wear a condom, every time.

Every other aspect of TRP hits home though, about making your life great so that you'll attract other guys. And if you aren't having tons of sex, it will show to guys that you're worth their time, that you're not going to burn them. That's why you have to get off the carousel eventually. You're not even on yet. Good for you. You'll probably want to get on at some point though. Remember - bottoms become sluts, tops studs.

Anyways. I'm just rambling. I need to get back to work. Lift. Eat healthy. Make more money. Pay off loans. Fuck dudes, but not too much. Forget about your height. Stop being mad at God, God is awesome, you're awesome, you're alive. Be successful. Care less but be willing to show weakness. You'll get burned by showing your weakness, yeah, but I think that's a sign of strength, if you can keep doing it looking for someone else who's worth your time. Don't show too much weakness. Hold frame. Avoid women. Avoid bitchy gay men. Make friends with awesome guys. Work hard. Think good thoughts.

Good luck.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

professional League of Legends player

Why would you do this to yourself? Even the top guys in the WORLD can only play for a few years, if they're lucky making a few million in the process, but they have to eventually move on to other things with a nearly unmarketable skill unless they're smart and have made some serious networking connections.

I am a 5'7.5", 120lbs, 23 year old black gay male

Don't know why you're complaining about genetics. You sounds like prime twink material to me...

[–]greatman05[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I'm too small and I don't know what 3000 calories looks like. I mean, if eating McDonalds all the time is okay, I'll do it.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You don't necessarily have to hit 3000 calories, just try and count how may calories you eat in a typical day and go 500 more calories than that. I have a hard time eating calories as well, usually I'll incorporate a shake that's loaded with 1,000 calories to help me get to my goal: Banana, peanut butter, 6 eggs, chocolate whey protein, milk. Sounds gross, but it's pretty solid.

[–]RPmatrix 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, if eating McDonalds all the time is okay, I'll do it.

quite the opposite, you are what you eat, literally, so a good diet is a Must! and plays a large part in TRP's regime

get onto learning about 'eating well', good food is one of the things that can help you more than you can imagine, both physically and mentally


[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Work out, you'd be surprised how much bigger you can grow

[–]frequentlywrong 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you're gay, why not fire up grindr and find a dude? I doubt it's that difficult for you gay guys to find someone.

The vast majority of people are the cause of their own problems. Absolutely every problem you have you can fix. Your mindset is the only issue.

[–]Steve_Wiener 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can get more IT certifications and go as far as you want in IT.

[–]writewhereileftoff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It technician is a great field to be in I dont understand what you mean.

Ditch the game...seriously ditch it completely. It's an.addictive and antisocial timedrain. (used to be quite addicted myself)Time much better spent lifting, reading, improving, growing. Happiness is in the journey.

As a last note. Please, get yourself together. Grab your balls. Feel em? Still there?

Mothafucka start lifting? If you are really reading the pill, you should already know this, so what's the hold up here?

[–]London-Bananas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You don't need to be some massive stud to be successful. Hell, the main idea of TRP is to reset, don't feel like you must do anything and think for yourself. That also means you don't need to follow RP advice, as long as you are true to yourself.

Being frustrated with women is natural at this point but it'll go away. I don't hate women, I don't think they're stupid and evil. They just have their own ideas and motivations just like we have.

[–]BlackHeart89 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You definitely sound like a bitch, bro. Not because you're unhappy, but because you've given up so easily.

You're complaining about your build and not having good genetics. You don't naturally gain a good physique and become a great boxer. You work on it and practice for years. Eat some goddamn food and work out. At 23, thats common sense.

You don't like your career because its low value? What happened to you not giving a fuck??? Do what you enjoy doing. But then later you say you don't like it because its boring...? Which one is it?

Women use everyone. Other women and men. If you're gay, then you have nothing to offer them. The only benefit is that they won't have to worry about competing with you for another guy... assuming he isn't bi.

Long story short, you've been reading TRP for 3 months and already throwing in the towel? Just like a woman. You may be gay, but that doesn't mean that you can't man up.

[–]Sketti-Os 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What's the name of this sub? When Neo was unplugged, did he immediately know everything? Did he just accept it? No, there was an adaption process. This is the equivalency of Morpheus downloading martial arts into your brain; we're providing you with the knowledge that will make you more adaptable and able to excel in this world. We don't sugar-coat, we tell things like they are. Harshly, but to-the-point. So, adhering to that:

Stop saying thanks for all your genetic wins and utilize them. Use that brain for learning. Ask your dad to teach you how to fix cars. Once you've used your positive traits to your advantage, work on fixing your genetic losses. Lift to fix that small frame. Upset about your pay? Find a new place to work. You have one of the best fucking degrees out there. As someone your age with that degree, making almost three times what you do, you can do better. Do better.

Stop making excuses. Oh, you're 5'8"? Me too. I was 120lb no more than a year ago. It's hard work, but I'm up to a toned 145lb. Gym and high-protein dieting. Oh you're a nerd? Who gives a crap. Being a nerd is just another way of saying you're enthusiastic about something. People dig enthusiasm. My advice though? Keep it a hobby. In 10 years time, LoL will be a thing of the past and all of your time spent on it will be wasted. Focus your prime efforts on your career, or at the very least, something that will benefit you for the rest of your life.

[–]Kose2kose 1 point2 points  (3 children)

LIFT!!! Go work out ASAP! And then keep going 5 days a week or more! Eat like a horse and push yourself at the gym. Watch bodybuilding motivation vids on YouTube! Do it right now. Don't even hesitate or wait a split second. Just dive it.

[–]greatman05[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Can you work out while sleepy? I end up exhausting myself daily trying to accomplish everything I want to do before I go to sleep, leaving me with at most 6 hours of sleep.

[–]Kose2kose 1 point2 points  (1 child)

45 minutes a day of consistent exercise with 1-2 minute breaks in between sets is all you need. You just have to be consistent and never skip a day AND STICK TO YOUR DIET. The only way youre going to feel better about your body image and stop being skinny is by working out hard daily for 45 mins and sticking to a strict bulking diet.

6 hrs of sleep is all you need. Whenever people asked Arnold Schwarzenegger "I only sleep x amount of hours, how do I find time to work out?" He'd say "sleep faster!" Lol. Basically meaning "Make it happen no matter what. CREATE time to workout. It's a priority. It's your body. It's your health. Put it at the forefront of your obligations."

Not to mention, you'll meet a ton of guys at the gym ;) lol

But this is the remedy to your body image problems. Watch body building vids on YouTube to get advice. Check out /r/bodybuilding and also /r/gainit to help you get your weight up! We all believe in you

[–]greatman05[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Understood. Thank you.

[–]GunsGermsAndSteel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As far as the "get big" part, there's literally no reason to believe you can't do that.

In fact, being an inch or two shorter than average is a gift when it comes to lifting. The best weightlifters are often shorter guys. In my observation, black guys also add muscle really fast and really well.

To me it sounds like you're your own worst enemy. Just get outta your own way, dude. You can and will do fine, just focus on improving yourself every day.

[–]machimus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

TRP didn't ruin your life, you just didn't know what the deal was. It's like being in a dark room full of spiders; were you better off before you turned on your flashlight? Nope. Scarier, though.

At least you have one of the few valuable degrees. You may not make much now but it will be easier than most to maneuver into a job that pays WAY more.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We've all been there brother. Hang in there. Keep reading keep working on yourself and eventually you will feel better. Try les brown for motivation

[–]jimmAo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

/u/SaintMarinus gave pretty good advice, I suggest you read it OP

[–]NidStyles 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First off, you need to get that "God blessed them with these gifts" mentality out of your head, because he didn't. All men are capable of greatness, Romans 8:14, read it and live it, all men can become the anointed one(s). God only gives us the tools to build talent with our sacrifices and dedication.

You are still thinking like a victim here. You need to get strong and stop thinking like a victim.

You are 100% in control of your own choices in life. Only you can make them, and if you feel like shit with the choices you have been making, then they are obviously not the correct choices for you.

IMO start lifting. Don't worry about the other shit like career and whatnot, that will come, as you already have a degree. You need to work on your body chemistry, because that is what is getting you fucked up.