TL;DR: I don't even know what I am saying right now. I am just frustrated that women have treated me like this and I'm not even attracted to them. I don't know what to do about my frustration besides keep reading until I finally take meaningful action.
I am a 5'7.5", 120lbs, 23 year old black gay male making 35k as a computer technician. I don't care if you don't like the gay part.
Ever since I got to redpill a few months ago, my confidence has shattered. I normally didn't care about my height or size or anything about trying to increase my value; I just didn't care. Only what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be mattered, and I didn't care what anyone thought of it. If I wanted to sit in my room and do nothing, that was my choice to make. I thought as long as I was different from my father, I'd make it in life.
Reading posts on there got me to thinking about my life.
I was always a shadow. Never picked on, but never paid much attention to either. It got worse in high school and I couldn't understand why. I'm here now, feeling isolated at work and at home, and it's driving me insane. I'm not even a quiet person; I've never really had a problem speaking my mind and talking to people (I've gotten better at randomly talking to people). I've always been confident in public speaking.
The one thing I remember most was that I never received physical touch outside of family. Maybe I'm ridiculous for this, but physical touch is what makes me feel alive. I didn't feel human for a long time; you could say that I was an alien until I turned 18.
I have failed at everything I tried to be good at besides school and computers, so now I'm trying to become a professional League of Legends player. Of course, I'm failing at that too. It doesn't help that I hate my career now thanks to learning how low value it is and I badly want an escape.
God blessed my grandfather with boxing ability and a sturdy muscular body for a 5'7" - 5'8" guy. He blessed my Dad with height (6'+) and the ability to fix cars. He gave me a brain and the ability to fix computers. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I at best have a small toned body and nobody cares about nerds. Why would he curse me like that? I want to be big! I want to be able to walk in public and be fully confident! I practically look like a boy still and that's definitely how people treat me.
I don't know what to do anymore. The only point to my life is living for other people. I don't have a point. I'm not strong enough to just eliminate myself, so I just endure it and suffer.
This affects me so badly because I realize that the way women treat me is the same way many men on the sub have been treated. Orbiters, BB, white knights...I am none of those and yet I am treated like them. I care so little about women I couldn't attempt to care less and yet the way women treat me still affects my life.
What is the worth of my life if I have determined it doesn't exist? How will I ever be anything if I am nothing? What is the point of working towards an ideal I will never reach? Why couldn't I get better genetics?
EDIT: B.S. in Comp. Sci degree; also currently ~50K debt. Programming is boring. IT only pays for management? I live in a shack with my roommate.
3 months in and it is a harder pill to swallow each time. Just reading and thinking for now.