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[FIELD REPORT]'You make me happy' (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Salmanda

My SO is quite the oyster type: he doesn't like to talk about feelings. He shows his love through actions: he's always there for me, fixing things in my apartment, introducing me to his friends and family very early on etc.

I had a hard time adapting to that, because I love to bond with words: telling each other how much we love each other, talking about our relationship. Everytime I started doing this, I saw him feeling thoroughly uncomfortable and not knowing what to say.

Two days ago, we were at a party and I was so happy to be out there with him, proud to be with him, so despite me knowing he doesn't like it I started to say those things again.

Yet instead of saying 'I love you', this time I said 'You've made me so happy this year'.

The difference in reaction was amazing. Instead of not knowing where to look and changing the subject like he would usually do, his whole face lit up, he had a smile from ear to ear, pulled me towards him and said: 'Have I? god, you can be so sweet'.

I was so puzzled by his reaction, and so happy, like I've found his secret button to make him feel good.

I don't even know if it's RP or not, but I've been thinking it is. I think me saying 'you make me happy' kind of reinforces the idea of him being active in my life, him taking care of me and adding value to my life. As opposed to the supposedly unconditional 'I love you'.

Or am I reading too much into this?


[–]p3ndulum 30 points31 points  (2 children)

"I love you" is about your feelings. "You make me so happy" is about his actions.

"I love you" is like saying "here is a thing, do you accept?", which can feel like a pressure situation. "You make me so happy" is like saying "I really appreciate the things that you have done. The way you are." There is no pressure. The thing is already done.

[–]T0ast1nsanity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"I love you" is like saying "here is a thing, do you accept?", which can feel like a pressure situation.

This was said so well.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This.

[–]thatdangbae 44 points45 points  (1 child)

It's a respect versus love thing. Men need respect, women need love. You're showing appreciation and admiration for his place in your life instead of focusing solely on the love you feel for him. You're learning to speak his language, so good job :)

[–]SpeakNoTruths 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think this is very close to why it affected him more than 'I love you.' As anyone who understands TRP could tell you men are more literal and forward when it comes to intentions, actions, and feelings. Saying "I love you" is very vague and nebulous. The speaker (sometimes) knows what they mean when they say it, but since the definition of "love" differs from person to person in often times wild and meaningful ways, there's no way for him to relate to what she is saying in any way.

When it comes to saying "you make me happy" people all generally understand what being happy is and exactly what it feels like. Different things make people happy, but the definition has very little variance from person to person.

In this case, I think the reason he reacted better to 'happy' than 'love' is because the idea of an SO making one happy is one he can easily relate to.

[–]Coolfuckingname 6 points7 points  (1 child)

As a guy i really enjoy posts like this. Really good guys work hard and sacrifice to make their woman happy. When its recognized, appreciated, and complimented....it feels fucking wonderful. I try to do something similar for my girl.

Keep it up. The world needs more good mates like you.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Acknowledging specific acts/things that your SO has done let's him know that his efforts have been noticed and appreciated. It's the difference between writing a note that says "thank you" and one that says "thank you for helping me figure out what was wrong with my computer." Both are nice, but the latter one is specifically tailored for the person receiving the note.

It feels good to be appreciated, and for someone else to understand where and how we spend our time. My SO seems to appreciate similar things (when I thank him specifically for making my life so much better, for doing x, y, and z etc) and I know that I feel just a bit happier when he specifically says how I have made him happy as well.

[–]gabilromariz 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I love this! I'll make an effort to apply this and see what difference it will make in my relationship

[–]Azzmo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"You've made me happy" is letting him know that you appreciate him based on what he's done.

"I love you" means that you love him...until you no longer love him. I think some people are uncomfortable with the statement because they've heard it before in relationships that ended painfully, and sometimes abruptly; it means very little to some people since love can be fleeting.

Personally, I'd much rather get acknowledgement that I've been a benefit to my partner and that I can continue to be by behaving similarly.

His joy in hearing that is probably in knowing that you're legitimately happy to be with him - an awesome feeling for a man.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When you say "I love you," there is a pressure to say it back that isn't there when you say "you make me happy."

[–]roboticyogi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's definitely RP in the way that you noticed he didn't like something you were doing and altered your actions in a way that pleased him, and in turn, made you happy.

You listened to and observed your SO and adjusted - that is RP!

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Husband and I like to say "I like you" because in some ways that's more meaningful. You can love someone without liking them. I love my sister but she drives me crazy and I don't think I could handle spending a whole day with her. Husband and I are best friends and love being around each other, so "I like you" reinforces that we enjoy each other's company. Plus I usually say it after he makes a joke and he loves making me laugh.

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Same! It has this feeling of being in your own little club with just the two of you.

[–]muliebritee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your post reminded me of the "five love languages". It sounds like you two have different ways of expressing affection, but it's really cool how a change in phrasing made such a difference!

[–]through_a_ways 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think everybody need some degree of variety and spontaneity in every single sphere of their life.

The fact that you didn't say the standard "I love you", combined with your actual feelings coming through, probably sealed it.