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INSIGHTFULTrust (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Disappear_vanish

Avianca flight 011 was flying a leg from Paris to Spain in November 1983. The pilot ignored the warning system that was telling him he was at an incorrect altitude and the approach controller had given the plane faulty information. The pilot crashed the plane into the side of a mountain killing 162 people on board because he was an idiot and acknowledged, then disregarded the warning alarm.

What does this have to do with me and my man?

There are always posts here where ladies are trying to be Mrs. Perfect for him. I want to be Mrs. Perfect too, there's no faulting that by itself. Some ladies may be innocent and unaware, but I think a lot of these kinds of posts are by women who are nervous and afraid.

They found TRP or rpw and through those lenses see that, along with their own damaging behavior, their man isn't a great or natural leader. He's tripping some red flags, but she wants to give him the benefit of her doubt.

She's basically here asking how to ignore it or fluff pillows around his bullshit to make it more comfortable. DONT FLUFF PILLOWS FOR BULLSHIT TO GET COMFORTABLE. You are his partner, point it out. Respectfully and tactfully acknowledging that he could better his position, leadership, whatever, is ok.

I'm not talking about nagging him.

I'm talking about things like, "He really hates my friends and my family and when I spend time with them. He must think they're not good for me, and I need to trust him." Or "He spends his paycheck in two days and is in debt to all his friends and he just needs a few dollars from me to pay rent and get groceries and beer and go to the casino. He needs his hobbies and his alone time, so I'm going to work on not being so guarded with my money. I need to trust him." Or "He wrapped a towing chain around my waist and shackled me to the radiator for my own safety. I feel a little uncomfortable but he says it's for my safety so I trust him but he's been gone for a week and I'm really thirsty, am I a harpy bitch if I ask for some water?"

You're not his mother, he's not perfect the way he is, and if he's worth a damn, he's not going to get salty and have a hissy fit because you let him know he could benefit from downloading YNAB or something. But if he's failing in major areas, you don't just say fuck it and fly into the side of a mountain!

Just because he is your man does not mean his a trustworthy man. Not all men are worth submitting to and following but ones that are sure won't complain about his lady wanting to keep him sharp. If you're six months in or a year in or however long into a relationship and he's a bumbling moron or a controlling, short-tempered micromanager then LEAVE!

Being a rpw does not mean ignoring all of your built in alarm systems and blindly trusting a man no matter how badly you want to!

Being a responsible adult who is in charge of yourself means taking an honest look at how capable and trustworthy the man is who you're allowing to lead you!

Yes, every man has flaws. You are wholly welcome to support your man. I support mine. But if his stomach starts getting soft I might give him a playful poke and ask him if we can have dead lifts for dessert.

Being a rpw is not about taking on all of his burdens and making his life a pleasure cruise and pretending he's perfect. It's about supporting a man in a way that enables him to be the best man he can be. He can't be the best man he can be if you let him fail and just cringe and hope it gets better. Maybe serve him a drink while the house burns down because you need to trust him!

A mans burdens are rightfully his to carry, so you help him to grow into the kind of man who can carry them.

There's shutting up and letting him do his thing, and there's ignoring problems and red flags.

Examples of ladies doing it right:

--Doorknobs.

--Sewage.

--Owning her misbehavior.

And this is interesting. The comments are important.

So basically, you're not only there to look pretty and blindly trust. Trust is earned, not given! You're there to look pretty and be a smart FO.

Not every relationship is perfect. Not every example of trust is something like a home repair. Sometimes you do have to cut the lifeboats and ride the storm out. I have, and it don't regret it. But I knew all of what I was getting into, and I needed to consult with no one because I was not looking for reasons to ignore a blaring warning and make myself a martyr.

Use your heads. There are times to be sweet and submissive, and times to gtfo of a sinking ship.


[–]katiemonster 30 points31 points  (6 children)

This is especially important for the ladies/girls who are still dating.

Once you're married, you're married. Unless he's really a lost cause (physically abusive, cheating, etc.), you're going to want to try to make things work. Especially if there are children involved. But for girls who are still dating, you're working on finding your captain. Our goal should be to find a good captain and then submit to him, not to submit to the first guy who makes us tingle and hope that magically turns him into a good captain.

[–]Disappear_vanish[S] 18 points19 points  (4 children)

YES!

Our goal should be to find a good captain and then submit to him, not to submit to the first guy who makes us tingle and hope that magically turns him into a good captain.

That's exactly the kind of thing new and young ladies are not understanding. If you don't have to, why in the world would you waste your time with a fixer-upper?

I'm not saying branch swing like crazy, but dang, know when to walk.

[–]cats_or_get_out 0 points1 point  (3 children)

This idea of the fixer upper is a common female fallacy. Many women fall into the trap of thinking, "I can fix him! I can change him!"

Until a woman can fully and truly acknowledge that she cannot "change" a man, she will engage in all sorts of destructive behaviors (like nagging).

[–]Disappear_vanish[S] 6 points7 points  (2 children)

A woman can evoke change in a man by being all the things a woman of value is in a RP relationship. The point of my comment was to point out that for many men, there's too great a gap to close between him as he is and him as a good man. She can be flawlessly RP but he's still going to be a pos because even though she can do her part to make his life better, on him to man up.

[–]cats_or_get_out 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. I agree with you and your original post. Women need to get away from the mothering/fixing mindset. A woman ought to look for a fully developed man, one who already possess the skills and maturity needed to be a good captain. If she grabs a guy who is pretty okay and tries to mold him into her alpha dream, she is still in Controlling Woman mode.

A man who is fully "man" (has a life plan, self-disciplined, etc) will not need "our help" to become a better man. Our job, as first mates, is to stay out of the way.

Nietzsche described this in Human, All Too Human. He said that a husband is like a mineralogist--and the wife is ahead of him, getting all those pesky gems out of his path, so he doesn't trip on them or hurt his feet. But his whole goal in walking was to find gems, yet the woman unwittingly gets in the way. She does this, according to Nietzsche, because she can't stand to see him frustrated or tired or despairing. Think of a woman saying to her man, "It's late. Come to bed." or "Why do you have to work so much overtime?" "Maybe you should take an easier job."

See, for the fully developed man, indeed the manliest of men, they don't need us to bring out their best. What they do need from us is to for us to be the best we can be. This is the union of two fully developed, mature adults. It is a powerful thing.

[–]snbdmliss 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This. Exactly.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Absolutely! As a married lady who was very choosy when dating I think it's so important to find a good captain FIRST and then submit.

I think being too submissive as a single gal who's dating could potentially draw in guys who just want to take advantage. It also seems like lots of the relationship posts on here are from women who are prematurely submitting to someone who has given them little to no commitment/evidence that they are a good captain.

Being a blue pill woman who expects the world and isn't willing to give anything in return is very different than being a rpw who understands that choosing a captain is the single biggest decision you'll ever make.

You should get the absolute best captain you can based on what you bring to the table. I honestly think that's why I ended up with a wonderful husband whereas most of my friends are still single (I'm 28).

They wasted years on guys who were sub par whereas I never had a problem saying no to a second date if I felt like the guy wasn't right. I met my DH at 21 (he was 25) and we have been together ever since, but there were lots of other interested guys that I turned down before we met. Women forget that when you're dating someone sub-par you're not only wasting your time you're also blocking yourself off from meeting someone who is truly worthy.

You have a short window of time to be incredibly choosy, and I am so glad that I was.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Not all men are worth submitting to and following

This. There are men who make great Captains, and there are those that no amount of trust or submission will change. A red pill woman knows what she has to offer, is discerning when looking for a leader, and submits to him when she finds one.

[–]myfriendmarkus 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for posting this, it's my biggest concern with RPW. Some men aren't good captains it's our responsibility as women to find a captain who can lead and enable him to do so.

[–]fhigurethisout 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I admittedly fell into this trap with my ex. He gambled, had serious money issues, anger issues, and flaked on me. I was a plate. No flowers or anything on my birthday. No thank-yous. He hated listening to me if I was upset. It was all about him. I tried to justify it in my head. I would cook, put in boundless effort, and spoil him. I got zero in return. He would legitimately see me once a week (sometimes once every two weeks) and he lived five minutes from me.

Now, the problem was me, of course, because I deluded myself into trusting him. I can't believe I wasted six months of my life there. In some ways it was good for me, I learned a lot.

Being objective when dating is extremely difficult. I think we need to make that clearer around here, because it's REALLY easy to get the wrong idea when you start recognizing rpw ideas.

It must be emphasized to be absolutely certain you have a good man before getting married...some posts lately have been heart-breaking to read.

[–]annakarenina16 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This resonates a lot with me, thanks for the post.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]cats_or_get_out 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband calls me the CFO, too! Hahaha I'm responsible for making sure all the bills get paid on time and for monitoring changes in billing rate, etc.

I'm an Excel dork, so I run all sorts of pivot tables and graphs to show him where we are financially. We have quarterly meetings where we look at our finances, make decisions about spending, and high five each other (especially as we watch our savings and retirement plans grow).

We have never once fought about money. Never. I think it's because we have his, mine, and ours accounts. If he wants to spend $500 on flight sim pedals or 40K models, then good for him if he has the cash to do so. We built in some breathing room into our finances.

I watch other couples handle this poorly. I see how she has a fucking meltdown when she sees that he went to Subway for lunch instead of bringing his own lunch to work. (Girl, he is a grown ass man. Seriously??)

We haven't always been as financially comfortable (especially when I stayed home with the baby), but having our finances divides up this way keeps the peace in our household.

[–]ZingMaster 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Excellent post. It is very frustrating watching women in their prime settling for men who are throwing red flags at every angle.

[–]annakarenina16 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I think quality women or maybe i should say romantics....don't want to branch swing, they wanna give it everything they've got if they love the guy for whatever reason. Despite him throwing up red flags left and right, you almost develop blinders to them. Also, as mentioned above a lot of women including myself have had the "I can change him," and we always believe our guy and our love will be the exception to the rule. It's easy to think and believe "I won't/wouldn't ever be that girl." Love however always has a different plan....

[–]ZingMaster 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Blinders are common. I'm talking red flags like strange women staying over at the SO's house and the SO denying it. Like obviously not interested in commitment flags.

[–]annakarenina16 2 points3 points  (0 children)

oh woah woah yea that's pretty bad. I used to have this friend who her bf lived with her and they had broken up and he didn't move out and began to bring women over to the house which he would proceed to make out with. She later got back together with him cause of "love." If that doesn't wanna make you want to smack some sense into someone I don't know what does

[–]skunchers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really enjoyed this post. Although we have the epitome of unusual RP relationships, a lot of this was really reassuring to have a refresher on all of these important ways of looking at life and issues that arrive.

[–]BlackKnightofthePill 0 points1 point  (3 children)

What is YNAB?

[–]lisfb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

shorthand for You Need A Budget, I assume.

[–]Disappear_vanish[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Yeah, it's just a popular budgeting app.

[–]BlackKnightofthePill 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh got it thanks.