INSIGHTFULThe Five Respect Needs of Men (self.RedPillWomen)

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1. Respect his judgment The men were really touchy about this. A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions—what I would call his judgment. No one wanted a silent wallflower (not would I advocate that!), but many men wished their mate wouldn’t question their knowledge or argue with their decisions all the time. It’s a touchy (and difficult) thing in these liberated days, but what it rea3lly comes down it is their need for us to defer to them sometimes.

Several men confessed that they felt like their opinions and decisions were actively valued in every area of their lives except at home. Some men felt that their comrades at work trusted their judgment more than their own wives did. Also, while a man’s partners or colleagues will rarely tell him what to do (they ask him or collaborate on the decision instead), more than one wife has made the mistake of ordering her husband around like one of the kids.

2. Respect his abilities Another strong theme that emerged was that men want—even need—to figure things out for themselves. And if they can, they feel like they have conquered something and are affirmed as men. For some reason, spending hours figuring out how to put together the new DVD player is fun. Problem is, we want to help them—and guess how they interpret that? You got it: distrust. (It’s a wonder any relationships work and that the human race didn’t die out millennia ago!) And, of course, our attention is not all benign. Sometimes we truly don’t have confidence that our man can figure something out on his own.

The little things equal one big clue We don’t realize that the act of forcing ourselves to trust our men in little things means so much to them, but it does. It’s not a big deal to us, so we don’t get that it’s a big deal to them. We don’t get that our responses to these little choices to trust or not trust—or at least act like we do!—are interpreted as signs of our overall trust and respect for them as men.

A man might think of it like this: If she doesn’t trust me in something as small as finding my way along a road, why would she trust me in something important, like being a good breadwinner or a good father? If she doesn’t respect me in this small thing, she probably doesn’t really respect me at all.

The next time your husband stubbornly drives in circles, ask yourself what is more important: being on time to the party or his feeling trusted. No contest.

3. Respect in communication Women hold an incredible power in the way we communicate with our men (both husbands and sons) to build them up or to tear them down, to encourage or to exasperate. Some things just push a man’s buttons. This goes beyond what we say—such as questioning a man’s judgment or his abilities—and into how we say it (and where we say it, which is the subject of the next section).

The disconnect In my interviews, a large number of men said something like this: “When my wife says something disrespectful, I often think, I can’t believe she doesn’t know how that makes me feel!” I had to reassure these men over and over that their wives probably didn’t mean to disrespect them and were likely just clueless.

Let me give you several common examples of how a man might hear something negative where the woman never intended it.

Hearing disrespect Not long ago, I was asking Jeff and one of his married colleagues about the dynamic of men wanting to do things for themselves. This man said, “Something, if something breaks in the house, I want to try to take a crack at it before I call an expert. If my wife says, ‘Well, you’re really not a fix-it-type person,’ I feel so insulted. She’s not rude about it or anything, but it’s like she doesn’t respect me enough to believe that I can figure it out if I put my mind to it, even if it takes me a while.”

Hearing disappointment In a survey—as in life—a sizable minority of men read something negative into a simple female reminder. I asked men what would go through their minds if their wife or significant other reminded them that the kitchen wall was damaged and it still had to be fixed. More than one-third of these men took that reminder as nagging or as an accusation of laziness or mistrust.

Crank up that filtering system No matter what we think we are saying, in the end, what matters is what the guy is hearing. Obviously, some people can be overly sensitive, and we can’t walk on eggshells all the time. Nor do we want to pass up all opportunities to help them understand our communication writing.

After all, don’t we want our husbands to adjust to our sensitivities? Do you want your husband to publicly tease you about gaining ten pounds? It’s all about loving each other the way the other persons needs to be loved. Even as we help our husbands understand that we have a learning curve on this, we should make every effort to filter our words through a “disrespect meter” before they pass our lips.

4. Respect in public Now we come to one of the most important points of the book. There appears to be an epidemic of public disrespect for men, and the biggest culprit is not the television, movies, or other media, but the women who are supposed to love their men most.

The most fragile thing on the planet Dozens of men told me how painful it is when their wives criticize them in public, put them down, or even question their judgment in front of others. One man on the survey said that they one thing he wished he could tell his wife was that “at a minimum, she should be supportive of me in public.” That wish was repeated dozens of times on the survey—it was one of the strongest themes that emerged.

Consider this statement, which I have heard (in essence) from many men: “My wife says things about me in public that she considers teasing. I consider them torture.”

Be respectful even when he’s absent Having seen how important public respect is to men (it is almost impossible to overstate), I have become incredibly sensitive to how often we might talk negatively about them behind their backs. The effects are much the same even when a man isn’t present: The women’s disrespect of her husband becomes even more deeply embedded as she harps on it, and those in listening range may begin to feel the same!

Showing public respect goes a long way Just as your man will be hurt and angry if you disrespect him in public, he will think you are the most wonderful woman in the world if you publicly build him up.

Trust me—from the men I’ve talked to, that will be the equivalent of his coming home to you with a dozen roses and a surprised date night without the kids. He will feel adored.

5. Respect in our assumptions Unfortunately, in one area men have every right to read something into what we say—and that is when we have jumped to negative conclusions about them. When we really examine our communication, we’ll be astounded at how often is assumes something bad about the man we love. See if any of these assumptions ring a bell.

We assume, “He needs to be reminded” To us, repeatedly asking “Have you done it yet?” is probably not a big deal. But inherent in the question is our assumption that the guy needs the reminder—that he is either incapeable of remembering on his own or that he remembers just fine but needs our prodding to do the job. What they are accurately hearing is “I don’t trust you.”

Just realize that his reason for not doing it may be different from yours. Remember, half the men on the survey indicated that sometimes they just have different priorities. OR they could just be unable to handle one more thing. One man with a stressful job noted that he sometimes feels like a computer that will crash if he tries to load one more thing onto it. For him, procrastinating on something his wife wants him to do at home is his warning sign that he will emotionally crash is he tries it.

We assume, “He’s choosing not to help” One experienced female marriage counselor gave me this example: “If my husband doesn’t help with the kids or the cleaning, I shouldn’t assume that he sees it and is choosing not to help. I should start with the assumption that he doesn’t see it.”

We assume, “It’s because of him” Finally, sometimes something is not his fault—it’s ours. Sometimes we assign unloving motives to our men that could actually be traced back to something we have inadvertently said or done. For example, a wife who is constantly critical of her husband may spur him to withdraw emotionally to protect himself, thereby becoming unloving where he wasn’t before. “Men are not stupid,” says Dr. Eggerichs. “They are not Neanderthals. Sometimes these behaviors that appear to be unloving are not unloving at all. They are reacting that way because they interpret something as disrespect. Even if something they shouldn’t.”

[–]redpillschoolModerator Extraordinaire 24 points25 points  (2 children)

This is good stuff. It's surprising how very few of these needs have ever been met by any of my previous girlfriends, and how important they were to me.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]ColdEiric 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Respect and disrespect is the behavior which sorts girls into wives and those crazies who get dumped and avoided. And which sorts boys in groups of men and those who do not get invited.

    It's baffling that treatise was needed to explain honor and respect.

    It's also baffling that we need to subscribe to TRP and RPW to learn that which mothers and fathers taught a few generations ago.

    [–]FinnianWhitefir 6 points7 points  (8 children)

    I've been trying to explain this to my mother, and it's just completely ignored and a non-starter. I make some statement like "I'm walking home from here" and her and my father start talking how that wasn't smart, how it was a bad neighborhood, how they are going to give me a ride halfway home. Actively making decisions contrary to my decisions while I am sitting right there. I'm convinced there is little more toxic to men than that.

    Likewise, she offered to get my dad a drink at this show, he said he didn't want one, she asked if he was sure, then two minutes later said a "I could get you one, you know". I mentioned that many men experience offering the same thing as nagging, she asked him if he did, he confirmed. Fifteen minutes later there was an intermission and she immediately turns to him with a fourth "Are you sure you don't want a drink?"

    When a man makes a statement of "I want X" or "I'm going to do X", just accept it, he should already know all his options and has picked the best one. Anything you say countering that only makes him resent you.

    [–]swift-heart 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    i really want to share this article with my mother, but not sure how to do it without coming across as passive aggressive...she's not an rpw despite her traditional leanings and we're not exactly close. but she belittles my father frequently, even in public and i am getting pretty fed up with seeing it.

    [–]sugarcrushEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Next time you hear her start in on it say something like, "Hey, don't talk about my dad that way!"

    [–]FinnianWhitefir 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yeah, I don't know what to do. Seeing their bad relationship really frustrates me and I wish I could help, but people get the life that they want. If my dad thought he should get something better, he'd make changes and get it.

    I had to work hard to accept that in their head, this is perfectly normal, perfectly fine, and they both accept it. Even when I see that it makes them unhappy and creates resentment between them.

    I was lucky to find Stoicism the same time as I found TRP, which really helped me just accept that people are how they are.

    If anything, share it with your father so he can figure out that his life could be better and that he should start working on that, but don't blame me for the fallout if he decides to change and your mother doesn't accept that.

    [–]moggymojo 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    This is something I really need to work on. It comes from a place of insecurity, I really want to please my husband so I often think he is 'settling' for one option when I could provide one he'd like better. I need to just allow him to choose, have it be his choice and follow through on that. Thank you!

    [–]FinnianWhitefir 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I go back and forth on it. My parents are pretty insecure people, but they also have no end of "I know how your life should be". So it's a bad circle of my mother thinking he could be happier and endlessly offering options, but it also comes from a real narcissist place of "I know that your life would be better if you did what I think, so I'll mention it a lot".

    Good of you to recognize it and work on it.

    [–]noPTSDformePlease 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    he said he didn't want one, she asked if he was sures, then two minutes layer said "I could get you one, you know"

    you're missing a subtext in meaning here. your mom wanted a drink for herself, but was looking for your dad's permission. her problem was how she framed her request. she could have said "would you like a drink? I would like one for myself and would like to get you one too."

    your dad missed the deeper meaning of what your mom was really asking. if he would have picked up on the deeper meaning, he would have been able to prevent the nagging by saying "no, I don't want one, but go ahead and get one for yourself. thank you anyways."

    that way your mom would get the drink she wanted, your dad would not get the drink he didn't want, and the nagging would be avoided all together.

    communication is key.

    [–]FinnianWhitefir 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I do agree that they have terrible communication, can't correctly ask things, and can't accept the others answer. However, she had brought a bottle of water and doesn't normally get drinks at places. Quite a martyr. So I don't believe that she would have gotten one even if everyone else did.

    Having solved a lot of my communication issues, I agree that it's very interesting and enlightening to sit there and go "Okay, she said this, but meant that" and "He answered X but wishes she'd come back with Y" and seeing how neither ends up happy.

    It's not that hard to say "I would enjoy having X" and the other person is free to say yes or no.

    [–]HerbiMama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Interesting anecdote , thanks !

    [–]theultimatewarriors 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    This is friggin game for women.

    In the same way that game for men is making a woman feel like the most desired person on the planet, this is game for women in making a man feel like the most capable person on the planet.

    It's literally the difference between having a partnership with a woman or not. She can be the most attractive woman on the planet, but if she constantly questions me, then I will think I'm better off single and working on my goals without someone questioning me and just going out and having fun with someone new and finding out what they're excited about in life. One adds energy into my life, the other sucks it out. This is a great way to add energy, and is going to create so much momentum for every other aspect of the relationship.

    Think of it this way, we can't really love anyone until we love ourselves, this is helping him to love himself in the same way that him showing how attracted he is to you helps you to love yourself.

    [–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

    I really needed this reminder in my life. What about you, ladies?

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    I really like this piece; it has some excellent info. It brings me back to just how many respect-based mistakes I made with former boyfriends and even with C before I found this place and started changing my behavior. This is a reminder to filter my thoughts well and make sure not to make those same mistakes.

    [–]aTweetingBird 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    I posted this to FB and got negative responses from a few of my friends. Kicker? They're all 'feminists' and aren't married.

    [–]Rocketpack_Ninja 0 points1 point  (0 children)


    [–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It's amazing how simple it is and how far a woman will go in geting it all wrong!

    [–]AlmostRP 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    With my wife, I've noticed that if I don't deserve it, then she doesn't do these things. If I do deserve the respect, then it's not a question. It kind of makes sense, except that it's usually based on my behavior, and whether or not I think I deserve it. Took a while for me to figure that out.

    All that being said, if/ when y'all do overcome the need to challenge a guy even when he "deserves" the challenge, it's great. For me, that's a much more effective tool to get me to step it up.

    It's working under the assumption that I do deserve respect and this may be a temporary lapse, instead of the other way around.

    [–]sierrasechoEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    And here is where so many women go wrong. Respect should not only be shown in the moment that he is "deserving" of it, but at all times. You chose him as your captain. Yes, respect is earned in the early stages of a relationship, but once established, make an effort to always show that to him. He may suffer a moment of indecision, or make a "bad " decision (in your opinion) but that does not make him unworthy of your respect. Being his staunch supporter through thick and thin is so critical to a strong relationship, as this article lays out beautifully.

    You don't see a first mate on a ship disrespecting the captain. That first mate would be booted so fast. Don't make your captain continuously re-earn your respect. It is emasculating, and the feelings of resentment toward you will build. Don't be that woman.

    No offence to this commenter meant: I'm glad to hear your relationship is improving.

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Thanks for sharing such a wonderful message. All the gourmet meals and clean laundry don't matter if a woman does not respect her man. He would rather eat bread and water, wear sackcloth as long as his woman trusts his abilities, intentions, ambitions words, and his actions.

    I've shared and saved this article, slapped ketchup and mustard on it and eaten it up.

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Thank you for posting this, a great reminder for everyone to take note of. I hear women talk about respect all day long and how everyone deserves it - but I rarely see those very same women spend any amount of time, consideration, or effort trying to respect the men they claim to love so dearly.

    [–]HerbiMama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Absolutely! Well said.

    [–]proprioceptor 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Why is being a silent wallflower a bad thing in the situations described in the first point? I always assumed that would be a better option than either disagreeing or lying about how you feel about his decisions when asked.

    [–]HeelsDownEyesUp 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    I think it's the difference between keeping everything to yourself, and speaking your mind without undermining him. You don't have to lie or disagree. He says, "I'm going to walk to (shady gas station)." You might think that's stupid. You can say, "Alright. That's a triflin' neighborhood. See you by lunch time." Facts, my fellow ladies, stick to facts and validation. You don't have to disagree or challenge him to voice your own opinion.

    Phrases like "Are you sure?/But what about.../Did you..?" are undermining instead of just stating your own opinion.

    [–]proprioceptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That does help clear things up. Thanks :)

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    formatting fixed, thanks for the help :)

    [–]TVTestPattern 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Don't underestimate the importance of this topics ladies.

    I'll tolerate some criticism in private, (especially if I am wrong), but do it in public or behind my back and I'll be seeing you do it in my rearview mirror.

    Public disrespect is even worse if I am actually wrong btw... being wrong can be humiliating enough, but having my partner broadcast it is intolerable.

    I'm 4 months out of an LTR right now for exactly this reason. My normally sweet GF just could not resist public displays of disrespect now and then and especially if she was drinking. She regrets it now in hindsight.

    It's a deal killer for most men including myself.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Plenty of us get it here :) I can't count the number of posts left here by members who were thoroughly disgusted by some display of public insult by a woman about her man. It makes my teeth itchy when I see it and I resist the knee-jerk response to let her know what I think of her.

    [–]valleycupcake 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Great article! I would just say though that instead of filtering out disrespectful comments, it's better not to think them in the first place.

    [–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    You can change your thinking through action. We can't help how we are wired but we can help how we act.

    [–]Hrel -1 points0 points  (7 children)

    Why is your list a series of one's?

    Good post otherwise ;)

    [–]benmarvin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Reddit formatting. The paragraph breaks make it think it's a new list.

    [–]theultimatewarriors 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    It's the markdown formatting.

    E.g. this is a list of me actually writing 1.1.1. all separated by the enter key. (But it's going to show up as 1,2,3)

    If OP wants to fix it, I think she can surround the number with `` (it's the grave accents, not a apostrophe) around it to make it interpret the number as code, and then type the numbers she wants (in her case,, but to show my point, here's a bunch of ones.


    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    :) it's not my list or dictation, simply copied and pasted from original article.

    [–]theultimatewarriors 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Just put a grave accent around each number `` and it will fix it! It's the key to the left of the number one, not the apostrophe key. This post is amazing, nice job finding it!

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    done and thanks.