I wanted to post a bit of an update to my first RPW post Undoing the damage I did - he won't lead.
I was pushing for what I wanted. What my view of this ideal relationship with Him would be. I was setting myself up for failure, and more so I was setting Him up for failure. It's really easy for me to get caught up in the idea of this pretty romantic pinterest bumper sticker relationship. It's a huge character flaw of mine. Since swallowing the pill, and trying to put RPW heart I have made quite a few changes.
- I've almost completely stopped going in his office unless he called me or I have something legitimately important to ask him. I've helped him foster a space that is his in our home.
- I've made a conscious effort not to interrupt him. Even when he's not telling the story just right, or it's just the two of us at home.
- I've actually started listening to him when he talks. I didn't think this was that big of a problem until I made the change. I'd just tune him out and half listen. Super rude.
And I missed a lot when I tuned out. Because now - I'm seeing how he leads this relationship. Leading the relationship does not mean he meets a set criteria of Alpha Traits. That was my misconception in my very first post. "Why won't he do A, B, and C, all good leaders do those things!" (Again with the grass is greener...). Leading means he is his own man. That he respects himself.
So now that I'm listening properly to my husband-to-be. What am I hearing?
I'm hearing him discuss how his buddy at work is getting a new car. Not so much that Coworker is getting a new car - but Coworker's Wife is selling his car, giving him her car, and getting a shiny new car. I'm hearing Fiance say "This won't happen in our relationship. I make money, I'll buy the car I want. You do the same."
I'm hearing him discuss how his groomsmen broke up with his girlfriend over religious differences. I hear him say "He needs to stand up for himself, because either she's bluffing and she'll stop this, or she's not and that's not something they can fix anyway - they would be happier apart"
I'm hearing how justified his frustrations are with my hypocrisy in bed.
I'm hearing him say "I appreciate that you take care this and that, I have other things on my mind."
I'm hearing him say "This is how I'm going to handle that"
I'm hearing him delegate, I'm hearing him relax, and I'm hearing him laugh a lot more now.
This was never about Fiance not leading, this was always about me being a selfish twat. Admitting this was my problem is not the same as accepting and doing something about it. I'm thankful for the ladies in this group who have provided harsh advice from the beginning. I'm thankful for my captain, my future hubby! Now the only thing to do is to show him daily I am thankful.