[FIELD REPORT]Actually listening to Him was the best thing I could do for our relationship (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by SoonToBeMrsHim

I wanted to post a bit of an update to my first RPW post Undoing the damage I did - he won't lead.

I was pushing for what I wanted. What my view of this ideal relationship with Him would be. I was setting myself up for failure, and more so I was setting Him up for failure. It's really easy for me to get caught up in the idea of this pretty romantic pinterest bumper sticker relationship. It's a huge character flaw of mine. Since swallowing the pill, and trying to put RPW heart I have made quite a few changes.

  • I've almost completely stopped going in his office unless he called me or I have something legitimately important to ask him. I've helped him foster a space that is his in our home.
  • I've made a conscious effort not to interrupt him. Even when he's not telling the story just right, or it's just the two of us at home.
  • I've actually started listening to him when he talks. I didn't think this was that big of a problem until I made the change. I'd just tune him out and half listen. Super rude.

And I missed a lot when I tuned out. Because now - I'm seeing how he leads this relationship. Leading the relationship does not mean he meets a set criteria of Alpha Traits. That was my misconception in my very first post. "Why won't he do A, B, and C, all good leaders do those things!" (Again with the grass is greener...). Leading means he is his own man. That he respects himself.

So now that I'm listening properly to my husband-to-be. What am I hearing?

I'm hearing him discuss how his buddy at work is getting a new car. Not so much that Coworker is getting a new car - but Coworker's Wife is selling his car, giving him her car, and getting a shiny new car. I'm hearing Fiance say "This won't happen in our relationship. I make money, I'll buy the car I want. You do the same."

I'm hearing him discuss how his groomsmen broke up with his girlfriend over religious differences. I hear him say "He needs to stand up for himself, because either she's bluffing and she'll stop this, or she's not and that's not something they can fix anyway - they would be happier apart"

I'm hearing how justified his frustrations are with my hypocrisy in bed.

I'm hearing him say "I appreciate that you take care this and that, I have other things on my mind."

I'm hearing him say "This is how I'm going to handle that"

I'm hearing him delegate, I'm hearing him relax, and I'm hearing him laugh a lot more now.

This was never about Fiance not leading, this was always about me being a selfish twat. Admitting this was my problem is not the same as accepting and doing something about it. I'm thankful for the ladies in this group who have provided harsh advice from the beginning. I'm thankful for my captain, my future hubby! Now the only thing to do is to show him daily I am thankful.

[–]tryanotherJuanEndorsed Contributor 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Bravo! Thanks for sharing! I really appreciate when people take the time to write posts like this.

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You're welcome. I'm really glad I found this community. :)

[–]RedPillSailor 13 points14 points  (2 children)

i'm not gonna lie, when i discovered TRP, i kinda laughed at the idea of RPW. it didn't seem to me that women could be RP at all (sorry for the judgement. i was in a low-level "Anger Phase" all newb RP-ers go through. i got over it quickly, and have been past it for over a year now.)

in an effort to not be a hypocrite, i checked out RPW, and was amazed at what i was reading. i've actually got you ladies on my "Bookmarks" now, and i'm not ashamed of it. and it's primarily because of posts like yours. thank you for posting this account of introspection and changes that you've made to have a more satisfying relationship. keep on doin your RPW thing, and thank you for the post.


[–]Rougepellet 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This sub helped me get through the anger phase faster. It's also interesting to read about how red pill is for women, giving me a better idea of how the dynamics between the two genders should be

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Well I'm glad I talked my self into posting it. :)

[–]proprioceptor 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I'm really happy for the two of you! Thanks so much for sharing :)

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I feel like we're to a point where he's actually proud of me again. It's a good feeling.

[–]vintagegirlgame 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Love to hear how actually listening to your man brought you so much insight. My SO has been strongly complaining against my habit of interrupting. It is a nasty nasty habit and conveys an attitude of complete disrespect and I'm realizing how seriously damaging it is for our relationship. I'm just so excited or preoccupied with what I want to say that I'm forgetting to actually listen to what he is saying and it puts so much stress on us. Vowing to kick this habit in the butt now and forever!

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lot of it comes from the fact that I'm an excitable person with a large family. We interrupt, we talk over each other, we are eager to chat. When I'm around his friends I really have to watch myself.

[–]Determinedb3ch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for sharing OP! I really needed to read something like this.This makes a lot of sense. Took me a break up to realize this.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is beautiful. I'm so glad things are working out for you, I had the ladies here give me a similar attitude adjustment earlier in the week. This subreddit is amazing because the ladies will give us honest and helpful advice rather than the feminist blue pill crap we here from friends and family members who's own relationships are in shambles. Best of luck to you in your future wedding and marriage plans.

[–]lovely1985 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was so beautiful ;_;