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INSIGHTFULBe His Soft Place to Land (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by StingrayVC

I wrote this up a while ago and with so many new women here since (whoo hoo!), my hope is that it might help more of you.

Be His Soft Place to Land

To let go and to see that we aren’t being the help he needs can be very hard to see. It feels passive to us; almost as if we aren’t doing much of anything. But that’s simply not true. To have a space to let the day go, to let it dissipate into nothing and have a soft spot to land and recharge is a wonderful and necessary thing. Don’t discount what you are doing as nothing or unnecessary. Him having a soft and beautiful spot to land is just as important as him being your Rock to cling to in a storm.


[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

A Rock cannot cling to another Rock to steady himself.

:)

[–]always-be-closing 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yin and Yang.

Women adore men for their strength and resolve and eschew men who are weak and unsure.

Men adore women for their sweetness and softness and eschew women who are bitter and hardened.

Male womanlyness and female manliness are detestable because they are never useful - they are each poor copies of femininity and masculinity, directed at the gender looking for something else.

Feminine men are little use to women, masculine women are little use to men.

Woman is the soil of the human forest. When she is warm and nurturing, man grows tall and strong and unyielding. When she is cold and barren, he is stunted, withered, and fruitless.

[–]femiyogi 4 points5 points  (0 children)

First of all, I really liked reading your article. It made me reflect on my role as a supportive girlfriend to my SO. Thank you for that.

I would like to add my experience to this. I am still studying while my SO works full-time and on days when I see him (often after his work) he has so many anekdotes to tell. And whether it is about this colleague of him that he doesn't particularly like or a new project he's been working on, I always try to listen to him very carefully, hear him out and add a comment or two. Sometimes, this does feel quite passive, but it really is an exercise in being empathic towards a loved one. He works in a field different than my own, but I try to understand where he's coming from and support him as much as I can.

This is only one aspect of our relationship, but I think that my SO appreciates the effort. He has even literally called me "soft" and "fluffy" in a very loving manner :-)

[–]Promotheos 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Poetry

[–]StingrayVC[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you.

[–]freebumblebeeendorsed woman 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This is beautiful. Thank you.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

[–]katsumii 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Hello Stingray,
Thank you very much for sharing your post. This is exactly the number one issue in the foreground of my mind lately! In fact, it's something I'm struggling with, and it's a personal problem I'm working on.

In the comments, I saw the link to Elspeth on "Types of Wives." My default girlfriend behavior is mostly "stimulation," and that is what my boyfriend likes. But he needs solace as well, and that's what I'm struggling with. Like, he really needs it. And I'm really bad at it, but am working on it.

Your comments also resonated with me, especially this:

2) Women want to actively do something, to be overt like men. It’s what we’re taught is best. It makes it very hard to see that the covert is what is often needed.

Yes, so this is what I am trying to un-learn... :P Plus, I have some kind of anger/reaction issue, and it's a challenge for me to remain soft while the negative energy in the room flairs up. >.<;

Anyway, a well needed message for RPW. Thanks again.

-kat

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I used to struggle with this, a lot. My husband needs a lot of solitude and I used to hover and continually ask if he needed anything because I just wanted to help him relax. All I managed to do was stress him out more and work myself up into nervousness at best or anger and frustration at worst. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just let me help him.

What I figured out was, he really didn't need anything from me, but quiet. What he needed most in the world from me was to back away and let him be so he could unwind and do his thing. I was preventing him from doing that. I wanted him to unwind so we could spend time together and I was not only keeping him stressed out, I but I was getting to spend less time with him because of what I was doing. Not because of what he was doing.

That is how I got past my anger and nervousness. It finally occurred to me that I was the one who was creating the anger in me and adding to the stress in him. So I backed off. It was not as easy as it sounds but I forced myself to stay away. I made sure to tell him, please let me know if you need anything and then I didn't talk to him again until he was ready.

What I discovered was, he unwound faster. And over time, when he began to trust that I wasn't going to hover, it was faster and faster still. Then, I would start to go into the same room he was in and just be silent so at least we could hand out in the room together. Since I didn't bother him at all, he didn't mind me being in there. The best part was, he would start to tell me tangible things I could do to help him out when I stopped hovering. Not all the time, because he really didn't need it all then time. But when he does need it, he'll ask.

I don't know where your anger stems from, but when he needs his space, spend the time trying to figure it out. It might take a long time, but if you really go deep, you'll find it. But try not to resent the solace he needs. When you're able to give it to him, the time he needs alone will likely be less and less when he learns that your not going to be upset or angry. He'll want to spend more time with you when he unwinds.

Best of luck to you. I know this is hard, but you might find that you start to thrive in that solace as well.

[–]katsumii -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hi Stingray,
I greatly appreciate your reply and advice. It helps to hear your anecdote with your husband. This also helps me understand the steps to take toward being a softer spot to land.

I don't know where your anger stems from, but when he needs his space, spend the time trying to figure it out.

I'm convinced it's an anxiety problem for me. Currently, the best I do is keep silent or leave the space when possible (to which he's taken personally—and bitterly—but I do it to help keep myself calm). It bothers him if I touch him or speak to him while he's angry and tense.

I made sure to tell him, please let me know if you need anything and then I didn't talk to him again until he was ready.

Cool. I will try that the next time I have the chance (before he's stressed/mad at something!).

Your insight helps me so much, Stingray. Thank you for all you do. :)

Cheers!
-kat

[–]shinesunshine 0 points1 point  (5 children)

This is beautiful, advice to live by. Right now I'm failing as I'm very ill in bed and my husband is doing EVERYTHING. :(

[–]StingrayVC[S] 10 points11 points  (3 children)

You're not failing. You're sick!. There is nothing wrong with your husband doing everything when you are legitimately down and out. When you're on your feet again, genuinely thank him and get back on track.

Don't ever conflate being necessarily down as failing. You'll drive yourself batty.

[–]shinesunshine 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You're right of course. It just sucks when you know to get better you need to rest and you're watching the one you love taking time off work to do everything as well as getting up at 5AM with the baby and staying up late to clean :( thanks for the kind words, I needed to hear them right now.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Trust me. I know. I've been where you are with unmanaged migraines (thankfully we solved the problem) and I was debilitated every fall for several years. I know how you feel. But your husband doesn't see it as a failure. He sees it as his chance to care for you. Don't take that away from him by lamenting too much about not being able to help. Been there done that and it was frustrating for my husband. Just be thankful and you'll be golden.

[–]shinesunshine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your insight.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If he wants to look after you it's really important to let him and to allow him to feel useful to you. No one likes a martyr and if he can't care for you when you're sick it basically tells him he's not needed

Being vulnerable with him is important

Get well soon x

[–]Beligirl1972 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you so much for sharing. The anecdote about being a soft place to land on really resonated with me. My husband didn't grow up with a loving, nurturing mother. Until me, he never had a soft spot. My own mother was nurturing and lovely. She died in September and I am deeply grieving. My husband loved her too and also mourns her passing. He has been my rock but I find that I am pushing him away. This hurts him but I haven't cared, being selfish. You reminded me that I am his soft spot. I cannot allow my grief to harden me towards the one person who loves me nearly as much as my mom.

[–]StingrayVC[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine.

This hurts him but I haven't cared, being selfish.

While understandable, given how you've described your mom, the best way you can honor this man, this Rock is to give to him what she always gave to you and your family. How she would beam to know that she had this to give to you and how you learned this from her. What a way to remember her.

My best of luck to you.