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RP THEORYSexual availability (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

Now this is a touchy subject. How do we talk about sex without it being pornographic in nature and TMI? I’ve seen a few posts on here about dead bedrooms and waning libidos and this petulant attitude towards sex… BUT I DON’T WANNAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boo frickin’ hoo ladies.

Aside from medical reasons why you cannot have sex…. No. Wait. Fuck that… there should be no reason why you can’t please your man. If your vagina is broken, there are other ways to please a man…. Ahem… beej….ahem…butt….ahem…hands. So with that little disclaimer I will continue.

What is the definition of a romantic relationship?

re·la·tion·ship /rəˈlāSH(ə)nˌSHip/ noun: the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

ro·man·tic /rōˈman(t)ik/ adjective: conducive to or characterized by the expression of love.

So. You have two people being connected through expressions of love. What is one of the biggest expressions of love and trust? Sex. Making whoopee. Doing the horizontal mambo. Sure, sex can happen with anyone but there is no connection component to it. That is the line of demarcation. That singular component which makes sex into something beautiful and amazing. I told my daughter sex is not love, but sex is always amazing when done with someone you love.

Here you are in a relationship with someone you love at this point. You’re feeling like the sex part is waning. You’re always tired from work. You don’t have the energy for it. You spend your days with the kids and you just want to sleep. I’m going to explain why you need to knock it off and also tips for knocking it off and being in your relationship….. romantically.

Being available all the time

This is the toughest idea to get through to women. The idea that you should be available to please your man all the time. I’m not saying you need to rush home to blow your man in the middle of the work day because he needs it now (although that would be a good idea if your job allows for just leaving in the middle of the day lol). Don’t be ridiculous. I’m saying that when your man is flirting and signaling to you he wants you, you should really be all in. This man finds you sexually attractive? Can you blame him? You’re one hot chica! Own that.

Argument 1

I shouldn’t have to have sex when I don’t want to.

While this is true, this attitude is detrimental to a romantic relationship. You are signaling to your partner that you aren’t attracted to them and that you don’t need them for this type of intimacy. This type of thinking relegates your SO to being put in the ‘just anyone’ demographic. This removes their status of partner in your life and puts them in a position to be used when YOU want to use them. It makes it a one way street which is the antithesis of being in a relationship.

Argument 2

I’m too tired from ::insert other things in your life::

One of the most important things to realize is that if you are in a relationship, it is work. It is a part of what you need to set aside energy for specifically in order to maintain it. If you put more effort into other portions of your life, do not be surprised when your relationship fails. Just like a garden, it must be tended to regularly. Is work what you fancy more than your partner? Is being a mom more important to you than the person you share your life with? (NOTICE: I did not say are your kids more important to you than your partner. Please note that I am not telling you to pick between them, however, you need to prioritize your position as a partner more than your position of being a mom. Your partner is there for life. Your kids are not.)

Putting life into perspective in terms of relationships can be hard. Is your partner really a priority to you? If not then you either need to next the SO you have because that is horse shit or you need to realize that maybe you just don’t really want to be in a relationship at this time. You are basically using someone to have a warm body next to you for fear of being alone. Wanting a career more than a relationship is fine, but you shouldn’t be imposing the loss of connection to someone else just because you don’t need it.

Argument 3

My partners libido is too high/My libido is too low

Matching libidos is a huge issue in deadbedrooms. If you are a low libido person, then you should really be taking steps to mitigate that. There are plenty of ways in which you can overcome the low libido/high libido discrepancy. There was another post on there that I found really interesting that tl;dr says this

If sex is not a priority to you, then you shouldn’t care if he goes out to find it somewhere else.

Does that hit a sore spot with you? Then sex is a big deal to you. More than you allow yourself to feel. Maybe your body doesn’t comply but your brain just said “whoa whoa whoa CQ! Sex is important to me and I’ll be damned if my SO goes to get it from somewhere else”. Now that I have your attention. Listen up carefully. Sex is not just penis in vagina. I repeat. SEX IS NOT JUST PENIS IN VAGINA. So get that idea that out of your head right now.

Argument 4

He is bad in bed/doesn’t last that long

This is trial and error. If you are not communicating to your partner the things you like then that is your fault. As someone who has a high N count, when you tell a man what you like they do that a lot. The ones who don’t are selfish not only in bed but in life and will never change and you should have figured that out during the vetting process to being with.

How to fix it

With all of these in mind, I’m going to give you some pointers on how to overcome those arguments. I’m sure that there are other arguments but really they fall into those four categories. They just manifest themselves in other ways.

The perpetual flirt

How do you communicate to your partner that you are sexually attracted to them? You show/tell them. All the time. Some of the things that you might do for this are the following.

  • Tell them something sexy at random times of the day.

  • Wear something a bit sexy and flaunt your womanly goods. (ie bend at the waist not the knees)

  • Sext him something you want to do to him

  • Make a lewd gesture when no one is looking

  • Rub your body on them ‘accidentally’ with a teehee and a wink

The point is to be playful. Sex is natural. Sex is fun. (a la George Michael). Show him that you like/need/want his touch. Flirt. That costs you nothing. Not even energy. This will not only build him up but it will get you in the mood too. You will be thinking about it more and you will be more apt to be receptive to his advances. Not all sexual interactions have to finish in sex. They do have to demonstrate you want him…all the time.

”I’m feeling overwhelmed by ::other things in life::. What should I do?”

With a lot of the issues, you find that your life is overwhelming you. He is your captain. Ask him what you should do about it. Maybe he tells you to cut back on your hours at work. Maybe he tells you to find a babysitter for the kids so you can practice self-care. Whatever it is, your captain can come up with something for you to be able to balance out your work/home life. He wants to be a priority in your life too so talking to him about it will allow for an opportunity to create more intimacy. So what if the dishes don’t get done asap? So what if you don’t cook one meal this week? Are these things worth it to sacrifice your relationship over? I doubt it. Tell him why you are too tired to do him and I am positive he will come up with a solution!

Smack it down, flip it, rub it down oh noooooo

Well this is where it gets a bit raunchy. I’ll try to tone it down as much as I can but really you can’t talk about the attitude of being sexually available without addressing some salacious aspects of it. Lube. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Anal. Don’t be afraid to try it. (there is a training manual for this). Blowies. Don’t be afraid to get on your knees. Porn. Don’t be afraid to watch it. Costumes. Don’t be afraid to wear them. Sex doesn’t need to be all about you getting to the finish line. It is an act of intimacy between two people. Get sex toys. Do whatever you have to do in order to get there physically. With so much sex paraphernalia out there, you can figure out what you like and get some tools to help you get there.

No excuses.

Lastly, if you have a captain who just simply does not give a shit about your well-being (ie demanding sex when you’re sick, goes in dry, doesn’t want to please you)… HE IS A SHITTY CAPTAIN. NEXT!

edit: just for fun

I wanna sex you up Color Me Badd

Lets talk about sex Salt-N-Pepa

I want your sex George Michael

Double edit: Another point to make is that if you were to start a new relationship today and came up with the same excuses you do with your SO as to why you don't want to have sex, do you think they would stay with you for very long?

Triple edit: all this coming from someone named coochquarantine haha the irony.


[–][deleted] 36 points37 points  (3 children)

to paraphrase Dr. Laura:

dont wait until youre in the mood to do it, do it til youre in the mood

it is a good exercise in letting go of bad character resentments and controllingness

[–]little_red_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

/thread

[–]am3liia 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Yes - I've read that women often have a responsive sex drive versus spontaneous. Even if I'm not in the mood at that second he initiates, I just go with it anyway. I'll always catch up!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What if your man always wanted to have sex? Would you still always just go with it?

[–]rearended 14 points15 points  (9 children)

I would say our sex life is waning. It's not because I don't want to. Since we dont care about lewdities here... I WANT TO FUCK MY HUSBAND OFTEN! He isn't in the mood for it very much. Sometimes I think he thinks it's a another chore to check off the list. I've read articles on ways to get your husband in the mood and a there's a lot of 'send him naughty texts, be flirty, rub against him, be happy around him, etc'. I guess my problem is I take rejection from him too personally, because, ya know, he's my husband it's a personal thing just by itself. So if I do the naughty things and he gets uncomfortable about it or outright ignore my efforts, my inner 3 year old comes out and I seriously want to pout, be passive aggressive, and act really stupid. I keep most of it contained except the passive aggressive part. I haven't figured that out yet. So I'm sure for any step forward I end up pushing myself two steps back. The only exception to sexy time is if I mention anal, suddenly he forgets about work in the morning and is not tired. :|

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Relevant username? lol

So I guess my advice would be to do the things he likes. If you are seeking that physical intimacy, he pretty much gave you the recipe to make that happen. When you do the naughty texts and flirty stuff make it about the acts HE likes. That'll get him amped up more. You won't be facing those rejections anymore. At least to assuage your ego for a while. Maybe that'll handle the passive aggressive behavior while you figure things out more.

[–]RomeBerlinWarsaw 3 points4 points  (5 children)

I think you might benefit from having a positive talk with your husband about his preference towards anal sex: does it make him feel more dominant,why does it feel good for him on the physical level, etc. As a loving wife you might find the possibility to introduce those aspects in regular sex. Also, if you never heard about Kegel exercises and how they can improve sexual experience, please take a look :)
http://www.intimina.com/blog/kegels-for-better-sex/

[–]rearended 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Thanks for the reply! He's not one to talk about the feelings and the why's. He would if he felt like he had to...maybe. I think I have an understanding to his preference to anal. 1] It's probably a dominance thing. 2] I think it's a stimulation thing. We hardly ever have sex missionary and when we do we always have to change out of that position for him to finnish. He'll sometimes even go close to limp if we stay that way too long. So I think I [he] could benefit from me doing Kegels. But this has two parts.. I think he uses a death grip when he masturbates. I've seen the way he does it and he's shown me with my own hand how to do it. He goes really fast with little to no lube [by lube I mean saliva] and with a really tight grip. That's how he's always done it. There's no amount of Kegels I could do to replicate that sensation. Also, he can't finnish with me giving him only oral. He'll have to help with his hand to get him close. He's said he's never been able to start to finnish. So this further supports my personal theory.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]tintedlipbalm 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    My first bf had death grip and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me not being able to make a man cum because that was my first sexual experience lol.

    [–]Pink_acetaminophen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I think recently a lot of young guys have problems like that until they realize to cut down a little or be more gentle. It's a more common problem than how much people talk about it.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I had this discussion with my bff once, we were both in agreement that women get very unreasonable and can be outright foul when rejected sex. It's hard for us to cope when sex has been so easy.. I know bc I've gotten that way, which is out of character bc I'm pretty sweet otherwise. I think it's caused bc your body is revved up to go, and when that energy is suddenly corked, it's expelled in a negative way.

    Buuut... What if you started pleasing yourself in front of him? Do you think that would get him in the mood? If not, at least you're releasing your tension. And are you attractive to him, or have you let yourself go? Men are very visual.

    [–]cxj 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    So sorry about your db. Is there any way to get him to do what you like first with anal at the end? The vast majority of the time I've had anal it was the grand finale after piv/oral.

    [–]RomeBerlinWarsaw 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    This is very balanced and positive outlook on how to improve the quality of sexual life.

    My favourite part is:

    Not all sexual interactions have to finish in sex. They do have to demonstrate you want him…all the time.

    [–]Pink_acetaminophen 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    I think sex is fun and it takes me a second to empathize with women who hate it in a safe, committed relationship. I feel like maybe some women have that Madonna/whore complex themselves and want to be that good clean wife and mother but don't realize that enjoying that aspect of their relationship can be positive for themselves instead of associating sex with negative labels. Having fun, being sexy and flirty and enjoying sex with your husband or committed partner who truly cares about your well being and happiness doesn't make you bad or dirty.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I agree! And nothing compares to the post coital feel goods :)

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    serious question for the older members of rpw: how does this dynamic change as your SO ages? or as we ladies age?

    [–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    It doesn't really change. Sex may be less frequent, and your lives are a LOT busier, but you have to take the time out to remember to have sex, LOL! A lot of men, as they age, don't think about sex 24/7 like they did in their 20s, and that usually accounts for the slowdown, plus more stress, more responsibility, more things that need to be done, more things on their mind, etc.

    This all makes it more important to take the time, relax, and take advantage of any event that leads to sex, like something poking you in the back in the middle of the night :)

    [–]AerobusTRP MOD 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    [–]VintageVee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    AMEN! Important topic. I've always had a high libido so this isnt something my captain and I struggle with at all. And he talks so openly in the afterglow, I love that.

    [–]i_have_a_semicolon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    But ive got a high libido, and my boyfriend does not :(

    i think i need to get a vibrator lol

    [–]ReclaimingFeminity 1 point2 points  (8 children)

    I'll be the first person to admit that this is something I have to work on. That being said, I'll try some of the things in this post and fill out a field report with my findings!

    [–]smallpeach 0 points1 point  (7 children)

    I recently read Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by Dr. John Gray. A compromise mentioned in the book is to incorporate "quickie" sex whenever you're not in the mood. Here your guy just uses your body, so you can just lie there waiting for him to finish! Then when you are up for it, you give him your all. I think this is a good way to start being available to him sexually 100% of the time. (Of course you should use other body parts during your period!)

    [–]am3liia 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    I can't imagine most men would be turned on by a woman "just lying there waiting for him to finish". Please don't do that!

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Agree, this is what half the posts in DB complain about!

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Oh god. That sounds horrible to just be waiting around for him to finish. Even if it is a quickie. At least talk dirty to him. Lol. I do agree with having one for just him that doesn't have to be all the bells and whistles. But that phrasing just sounds bad.

    [–]smallpeach 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I could have phrased it better :P

    [–]ReclaimingFeminity 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    For me it's not so much doing it, it's being motivated to do it and receiving his signals (if that makes sense)

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I will refer you to my second edit....

    Motivate yourself. Create your own signals. If he is being too subtle it may just be because being overt with you has gotten him nowhere and maybe even reprimanded by you. However, I am not in your relationship so I have no idea.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Lie there waiting for him to finish would give me such major resentment issues! I have the higher libido in our relationship currently. But with my ex i felt like a hu!an fleshlight and it made me feel gross.

    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Thanks for this. This is great information and a good reminder. I'd say our sex life is super healthy. I don't give bullshit reasons for not wanting sex, and I'd say our libidos match up pretty well.

    The only thing I have trouble with is when I'm on my period, or right before it starts, my libido drops dramatically. Partially I know it's hormones. I'm off the pill so I can actually feel real fluctuations in my hormones now. Partially it's that I know we're not 'going all the way' because my period is super heavy and painful, so it's kind of like, eh, because I'm sexually frustrated. My husband understands these things, and every cycle I try more and get a little better.