RELATIONSHIPS"Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love" (self.RedPillWomen)

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Editor's note: The following column is adapted from the new book "The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage" Post Hill Press (February 14, 2017).

Like me, my mother was not a perfect wife. She was, however, a remarkable and compassionate woman. And she was fiercely devoted to my father, so much so that five years after he died, she couldn’t bring herself to even kiss the man who fell in love with her at the independent living facility where she lived for a year and a half before she too passed away. The man wanted to marry her, but it was out of the question. In my mother’s mind, there was only one man for her. That he was gone and she was technically available was beside the point.

Despite my mother’s allegiance to my father, she never quite mastered wifedom—for one reason: she was wholly unyielding.

With my mother, everything was a fight. Everything was “No” unless she determined it was appropriate to say yes. If my mother wasn’t the one who made the decision, the decision couldn’t possibly be good. Every so often she would appear to cede to my father’s wishes, but only if she happened to agree with him.

Indeed, my mother was the quintessential alpha wife. An alpha wife micromanages, delegates and makes most or even all of the decisions. She is, quite simply, the Boss.

Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies.

Alpha women aren’t exactly new, but they were once a rarer breed. Today they abound. There are several reasons why, but it’s in large part due to women having been groomed to be leaders rather than to be wives. Simply put, women have become too much like men. They’re too competitive. Too masculine. Too alpha.

That may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.

Every relationship requires a masculine and a feminine energy to thrive. If women want to find peace with men, they must find their feminine—that is where their real power lies. Being feminine isn’t about being beautiful or svelte, or even about wearing high heels (although those things are nice). Being feminine is a state of mind. It’s an attitude.

In essence, being feminine means being nice. It means being soft instead of hard. And by “nice,” I don’t mean you should become a mouse. (That’s the narrative the culture sells, but that doesn’t make it true.) Men love women who are fun and feisty and who know their own mind! But they don’t want a woman who tells them what to do. As a man named Chuck once wrote on my site: “A strong woman is awesome. But she must be inviting and be able to mesh into an actual relationship. Needing to dominate and overpower, that is a no go.”

Jackie Kennedy once said there are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed. American women have become laser-focused on the former and have rejected the latter. In doing so, they’ve undermined their ability to find lasting love.

The roles may have changed, but the rules haven’t. All a good man wants is for his wife to be happy, and he will go to great lengths to make it happen. He’ll even support his wife’s ideas, plans or opinions if he doesn’t agree with them. That’s because a husband’s number one goal is to please his wife. If he determines his wife cannot be pleased, that’s when the marriage is in trouble.

Men are just so much simpler than women. Not simple as in dumb, as is often portrayed in the media. Simple in that they have far fewer needs than women do. What men want most of all is respect, companionship and sex. If you supply these basics, your husband will do anything for you—slay the dragons, kill the beast, work three jobs, etc. Men will happily do this if, and only if, they are loved well in return. It is when men are not loved well that problems arise. That is the nature of the male-female dance.

Now I know what you’re thinking: that I’m putting everything on you. I am, and I’m not. Your husband is 100% responsible for his own actions. If he makes stupid choices, such as getting repeatedly drunk, it’s his job to own up to that behavior and stop it. Same goes for his emotional outbursts, if he has them, or his not coming home when he said he would. Or even his having an affair.

What I am saying is that men tend to follow women’s lead. Your husband’s actions are more often than not reactions. He’s reacting to something you said or did, or to something you didn’t say or didn’t do. He’s reacting to your moods, your gestures, your inflections and your tone. That’s how men are. Your husband wants you to be happy, and when he sees it isn’t working he thinks he’s failed. That’s when he acts out.

Another way to think about the male-female dance is to consider the game of chess. In chess, the king is the most important piece but also one of the weakest. He can only move one square in any direction—up, down, to the sides, and diagonally. The queen, however, is the most powerful piece. She can move in any one direction—forward, backward, sideways, or diagonally. And how she moves affects how he moves.

As a woman, you can respond to this dynamic in one of two ways: you can resent it, or you can embrace it. I used to resent it. I’d think to myself, How can I possibly make sure my husband isn’t negatively affected by my every mood swing? I’m a Pisces, for God’s sake! My moods shift with the wind! Plus, why am I responsible for my husband’s reactions? The whole thing seemed like a whole lot of pressure, not to mention unfair.

As a result, I embraced my alpha personality as though it were a baby in need of protection. If my husband chose me, obviously he likes that about me. Why should I have to change? Who would I be if I changed? And how could I be someone different, even if I wanted to?

But my alpha ways were bumping up against his alpha nature. We were like two bulls hanging out in the same pen together, and there was too much friction. And because I had zero interest in my husband adopting a more feminine role, I set about to become the feminine creature our culture insists women not be.

And here’s what I learned: It’s liberating to be a beta!

I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, I’m spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting.

It took me a ridiculously long time to get it. But once I did, once I accepted that the energy I exude and the way I approach my husband directly affects his response and behavior, I changed my tune. And when I did, something happened.

The tension disappeared overnight.

Just like that.

Well, almost like that. It was a lot of stop and go at first. First I’d handle something the “right” way—i.e. by not arguing with him, or by not directing his traffic, or by being more service-oriented—and marvel at the response. Then life would get busy, and I’d resort to my old ways. Sure enough, I’d get a different response. So I’d make a mental note of how I messed up and make sure to get it right the next time. Eventually, it became second nature.

It’s like weight loss. Once you realize that diet and exercise is the only way to stay fit, and that sugar and carbs create fat, a light bulb goes off in your head. You’ve unlocked the code to keeping your weight in check. Even if you fall off the wagon (and you will), you’ll know what to do to get back on track.

That’s what it’s like to love a man. Once you learn how, you’re good to go. You have all the tools you need.

But you have to use them.

Suzanne Venker is a writer known for her provocative yet compelling views on men, women, work & family. Her newest book, to be published February 2017, is "The Alpha Female’s Guide to Men & Marriage: HOW LOVE WORKS." To learn more about Suzanne and her work, visit her website. Follow her on [email protected]

-- http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2017/02/08/society-is-creating-new-crop-alpha-women-who-are-unable-to-love.html

[–]azngirl7689 25 points26 points  (1 child)

You mean you can't be a mean, controlling bitch and keep a man? Wow. Next it'll come out that the sky is blue.

[–]frpilled 9 points10 points  (0 children)

So much I learned on RPW is just common sense tbh

[–]NikoMyshkin 28 points29 points  (2 children)

I'm a man. I generally don't consider any women for LTR. However, if I met a woman who had internalised these sentiments, and if I really believed that she accepted them - I would consider LTR. Reading this - something just clicked. I felt something akin to peace. Not quite comfort but more like being comfortable enough making the compromise not to sleep with other women.

One thing this piece doesn't explicitly mention: if I felt my LTR was really behaving like this then I would feel that I had to maintain my game (to pay enough attention to ensure her needs were always met). Not out of duty or obligation or pressure but simply because I refuse to be treated so well without giving at least as much back. Talking with other men, that last sentiment appears to be hard-coded.

[–]bowie747 0 points1 point  (1 child)

RPW provides encouraging reading oftentimes.

Respect, companionship and sex? Genuinely and consistently? I'd LTR that. I find the respect component very hard to come by. Maybe it's my inability to elicit it, nonetheless I find it wanting in most of my partners.

[–]NikoMyshkin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

for me what's most often off-putting is the sense of enormous entitlement. i want to always be entertained and the moment you don't 100% please me i'm off to tinder or somewhere else to get some attention

i feel that the women i meet don't really understand that it is necessary to attempt empathy with their partner and that the way men experience emotions and reality will be unintuitive to them, so they need to make the effort to do some abstract thinking to understand their man on his own terms instead of tutting at how he doesn't emote like a woman. (and these are highly skilled, grad-level women too, for whatever that;s worth re empathy and LTR potential.) they appear to have internalised feminism to such an extent that even when it completely fails to explain what is happening in front of them - they just feminist even harder.

so i just use women for sex and don't bother to 'explain' how their behaviour rules them out of consideration for anything else. it's not my job to talk to brick walls.

[–]Willow-girl 19 points20 points  (6 children)

Jackie Kennedy once said there are two kinds of women: those who want power in the world, and those who want power in bed. American women have become laser-focused on the former and have rejected the latter. In doing so, they’ve undermined their ability to find lasting love.

Jackie maybe isn't the best model for a happy relationship, as her husband was notorious for liking the strange! :-o

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

liking the strange!

I think if this is a metaphor I'm too young to understand it.

[–]nonnimoose 16 points17 points  (2 children)

the strange = alternate pussy

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I see.

[–]TryhardPantiesON 5 points6 points  (0 children)

And she also cheated on him, it was probably an agreement, like poliamory or something, but what the hell do i know, i wasn't even born back then.

[–]radioactivities9 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Marilyn Monroe is forgiveable. but since Jackie seeks power in bed (as she says), I bet she knew that such proclivities would make JFK even more pliable to her whims ;)

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


[–]Rivkariver2 Star 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Maybe just bossy and headstrong but thinks she is strong and independent.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's just some shit women with "me too" syndrome made up. No one who knows shit about shit takes it seriously.

[–]Rivkariver2 Star 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I'm glad she clarified the term "nice." That conjure up a mousy pushover image. She explains it just means not a contrary and rude person essentially. I would use the terms being at peace, receptive, confident in feminine strength and mystery.

Love the chess analogy, I've used it before. And the fact that men are deeply influenced by how we feel and act.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And the fact that men are deeply influenced by how we feel and act.

Yep. The high post-divorce suicide rate for men, along with the idea that men who are in love value themselves by how happy they make their SO, also suggests this as an evolutionary thing.

[–]winterfrostland 4 points5 points  (2 children)

The thing is, is that alpha women, like all women, only want a man better than them. It's like that for ALL women! Alpha women are great, but they will never respect effeminate men or men that are beneath them. They will always go on a never-ending quest to find the perfect top-tier alpha male, and if they do settle with an effeminate man, they will be very disappointed.

[–]Liberal54561 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think the "alpha women" that this article describes is one that insists on "wearing the pants" in a relationship, regardless of how top-tier the man is. If you don't know any of these women, consider yourself lucky!

[–]winterfrostland 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I don't know any. Women like that don't bother me though. Although shitty people are on a very wide spectrum, it's very easy to identify the type of women you just described. They are a very small portion of women overall and almost completely a non-issue.

[–]youreallmeatanyway 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I fell in love with an alpha female. It was an intense relationship that escalated exceptionally fast but I was certain she was the one I wanted to be with.

Unfortunately she loved the life she had more than she loved me; she didn't want to change all that and become a wife and mother (as she knew that I wanted).

Losing her was the worst thing that ever happened to me...but she was right to break up with me. We just wanted different lives.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I used to be friends with an "Alpha Female"... and she always complained that only men who were attracted to her were these groveling, weak-willed and effeminate types.

If you tried to point out to her that strong, assertive and quintessentially masculine men were more naturally attracted to soft, quintessentially feminine women, she would get really angry and say, "No, I just haven't found anyone strong enough for me!"

Yeah right.

[–]Mssweetnsassy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Love this article, great read! That chess analogy is very cool. Thanks for posting :)