THEORYThe default male setting is beta. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor

Strong men are made, not born.

An alpha male is a strong masculine man. Strong either physically, emotionally, mentally, intellectually and/or in any other way. Independence, achievement and adventurous fun are part of what make men masculine. Masculine traits in men give women tingles.

A beta male is a male who has more feminine traits. Traits such as caring, nurturing, consistency and steadiness are some of the traits that are beta in nature. They're the more feminine elements of being male, although they aren't quite the same as the feminine of females. It's sort of like feminine within masculine.

Beta traits are important to women because to build a family and raise children you need the steadiness, nurturing and soft side to emerge. Dangerous fun might be titillating and arousing, but it's destructive to raising a family.

This creates a big problem. You need the steady commitment and nurturing of the beta in order to have a stable, long lasting marriage. However, women naturally find such men boring and that means diminishing desire for sex. This can lead to frustration and resentment from the husband and boredom and unhappiness from the wife. Both can lead to adultery, a miserable marriage and/or divorce.

OTOH, choosing an alpha male isn't simple either. Alpha men have a lot of options and aren't necessarily inclined to settle down with any one woman. They're able to have many flings along with all their other adventures.

The default setting

Anyone who is a parent to boys and girls will probably know that they are very different even from a very young age. Boys are much more rambunctious, wild and destructive as toddlers. When they grow older, they may not like girls because girl germs. They keep developing their masculine self if they're allowed to and aren't shamed or discouraged by their parents and teachers.

All this changes the minute they hit puberty. All the macho independence flies out the window and the boys become the biggest simps, melting into soft butter in the presence of an eligible female! This is because it's hardwired into men to desire women with this insane level of desire, to be soft and kind to women, to be giving and caring to women and to bend over backwards to fulfill her every wish and desire. These traits make him a beta male and are not good for the female sex drive. This is the default setting.

Men can learn to be more masculine, but this does not come naturally. There's no such thing as a natural alpha. You may think he's a natural because you met him once he's been in this world for 2-3 decades or more, once he's been through many rejections in life, once he's had time to hone his masculine side. All this comes with hard work, none of it is natural. Naturally, he's programmed to be smitten with immense sexual desire for the female and to do whatever she wants in the hopes of the actualization of this desire.

Who ought to change?

This question really deserves it's own post, but the short answer is - both of you need to change. He needs to go against his nature of bending over backwards to pleas you to start standing up to you and to stop being a pushover to your every whim. You need to go against your nature of making demands on him to fulfill said whims, of criticizing him when he doesn't get it right or of nagging him when he doesn't move fast enough to do what you think he needs to do.

He needs to go against his nature of repressing all emotions and to be a little vulnerable and establish emotional intimacy with you. You in turn need to find sexual appeal in the things he does for you by viewing them as acts of strength. You need to be appreciative of his steady support, caring and nurturing and never take it for granted.


Marriage requires a fine balance of many opposing traits. Harmony is when such balance is achieved. Both men and women need to recalibrate towards the middle in order to achieve such balance. This is something our great grandparents knew, but this wisdom has been somewhat forgotten in an age where we all expect the other person to make all the accommodations.

So if you're ever thinking to yourself - my husband is so beta (or any other trait that you find undesirable), can I get him to change? You need to do two things right away. 1. Look in the mirror and see what you can change. 2. Learn to view his trait from a different angle, an angle that might make the same trait look appealing and attractive.

If you need to look at the cup being half full instead of half empty, perhaps your cup is twice as large as what it ought to be....

[–]TheRealBestAmerican 17 points18 points  (0 children)

When men don't fight, they grow docile. That's why capitalism is so successful, men will fight with profits and drive each other to peak performance.

[–]Pixie03103 Stars 12 points13 points  (2 children)

You need to do two things right away. 1. Look in the mirror and see what you can change.

As soon as I read this it made me think of the yin-yang, which symbolises feminine & masculine anyway, among other things. (Plus it makes sense because there's the bit of the feminine in the masculine, and the masculine in the feminine.)

I had this mental image where there's this kind of border between a woman & man, and the further you push that border in, the more you crowd him out. When you pull back into your boundaries, he naturally pushes forward in a balance.

One of you will naturally fill the spaces left, if that makes sense.

So if you, as a woman, are being overly masculine - trying to take the lead, being bossy, pushy - it crowds him out and he pulls back, revealing more and more beta traits. But if you pull back, the balance eventually comes as he pushes the border forward.

Fantastic stuff, thank you!!!!

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're welcome!

Excellent comment!

[–]LexGrom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's true. Two alphas don't go along well, most hurricanes won't last, so if a woman tries to be an alpha (using state as a proxy), a man retires to the beta role or leaves. When societal norm is an alpha woman and father figure is attacked from all angles, what do u expect from men?

Submit and he may or may not take the lead. If he didn't, choose next

[–]Sleepisannoying1 Star 4 points5 points  (7 children)

This is spot on! From a woman married over 15 years, we are still growing together still finding our balance but still deeply in love with great passion. Those first years of headbutting the differences (me a strong independent woman, not bossy just very self sufficient, he a giving, loyal, sensitive, calm man) well what you described is exactly what went on. We have both changed over the years to be better version of ourselves, better for our partner, refined, appreciating each others strengths and offering safety for so called weaknesses.

Wish I saw it all like this in my 20s, but then that's what growing is all about I guess, learning the hard way lol

Thanks for sharing this well articulated view point that it's not all one way or the other, that people grow and change and both people have the responsibility to adapt and refine themselves, if you want the best relationship you can have.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience and insight. 👌

We're married a few short years less than you guys, I don't know how much of a difference that makes, I guess I'll find out in a few years from now. My plan is for it to be a good difference.

[–]Sleepisannoying1 Star 4 points5 points  (5 children)

I found men want to be needed. Like in a physical task sense, sometimes it's that simple. I found it's hard to do when you don't really need those things done, like when you can just do them yourself or learn how. I'm not a feminist, I just get stuff done. But then I want him to be the man too. I've certainly learned alot about myself and when to ask for help is sometimes when I don't really need it. :). Just like he can feed himself sure, but he appreciates every dinner I cook. It's about sharing. And a big part is about giving your spouse the opportunity to shine. And appreciating it! Appreciation is the key word to marriage Ive learned. (Of course there are things he does much better and he's very knowledgeable in a lot of areas, def not discounting his strength or ability, he's super strong and can often do some things much quicker or easier than me, so I've learned to ask for help in those areas instead of struggling it figuring it out like I had to do when single)

When you value your spouse for the little things (and let them know), then the bigger things are amazing. And when you feel valued, you want to do more. This translates from household chores, to career to bedroom.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Very good point with regards to appreciation. Reminds me of a post from a while back - appreciation vs gratitude

u/pearlsandstilettos I think this comment and the one that preceded it should earn a star for the writer.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You got it!

[–]Sleepisannoying1 Star 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Aww thank you!! :) :)

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're welcome ☺

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

+1 star from u/loneliness-inc :-)

[–]lunatic_in_the_hall 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I don't know how I feel about the claim that no man is born an "alpha." Certainly there are men whose "default setting" is to be beta and who have to learn to hone their masculinity. But what is your proof that no men are born with a personality naturally high in masculinity? I've personally known many young men and boys who exhibit very masculine/alpha traits from a young age.

I don't know if you're a man or a woman, OP, but if you're a man I feel like you might be projecting. Just because you were not born naturally masculine doesn't mean that every other man was as well. I'm not trying to insult you or your current character, but don't assume that everyone has lived the same development as you.

[–]Pixie03103 Stars 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My partner is very alpha, who has softened and decided to settle after getting a bit older and having enough of the lifestyle. I do think his personality was formed from a young age, and I think he had mostly alpha traits even as a young teenager. But even so, he definitely went through what the OP says about puberty etc. His beta traits got stronger - and he was in a bad relationship in his early 20s that I think really emasculated him, and brought out the beta in him.

Once he got out of that, his alpha traits came through with a vengeance. It still took time for him to refine them into really positive things - a strong career, sustained ambition, etc.

I would say some men start off with more of the right raw materials of an alpha. But life / experience is what polishes them into leaders.

[–]Rhynocobear 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have a feeling op is referring to adolescence and social conditioning as making someone less dominant unless supported or honed. I dont think it's a matter of impossibility as it is improbability. What are the odds a 13 year male is in charge of his life? An 18 year old? 25? 35?

In this experience matters. It's more than just "masculinity". I know plenty of "masculine" men who aren't in control of themselves or their lives.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know how I feel about the claim that no man is born an "alpha."

  1. There's a world of a difference between "no man" and "default setting".

  2. I did describe young boys as being more alpha. The issue of nature here doesn't necessarily start from birth. Rather, it starts at puberty. That's when boys become complete simps and manginas. This is biological, not social conditioning. No one needs to teach 13 year old boys to worship pussy and become a nice guy, that comes naturally. It's the attitude of IDGAF that needs to be learned.

  3. It doesn't matter how you feel about it, feelings don't change facts.

I don't know if you're a man or a woman, OP, but if you're a man I feel like you might be projecting. Just because you were not born naturally masculine doesn't mean that every other man was as well. I'm not trying to insult you or your current character, but don't assume that everyone has lived the same development as you.

I thought it was clear that I'm a man who's married over a decade now. In any case, there's no need to get personal. If you have a counter argument, make your argument. If it's a good argument, I'll upvote it and possibly comment even if I don't agree with its content. But making it personal is unacceptable in a discussion.

Being married for this long, having grown up among great marriages in the family and witnessing marital strife in the community as a child and adult, having a lot more exposure to people's issues in life than most people do, being observant of these things and constantly thinking about them is what leads me to form all my opinions often shared here. If you think I'm wrong, I'm open to having my mind changed. It's happened before and it will happen again, but for that to happen your argument needs to be very convincing.

[–]MissNietzsche 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What do you think of a RPW with a BPM?

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don't think that people can be RP or BP. The original movie reference from which RP and BP emanate from, each "pill" represents an outlook on the world. A plugged in outlook or unplugged. It's the same person who can choose to see the world, human/male/female nature the way they really are or they can choose to live in the lala land of romance.

I think both men and women have masculine and feminine character traits. It's just that in men, masculine traits tend to be more dominant and in women, feminine traits tend to be more dominant. The reason why you can work on being more masculine or more feminine is because you have both extremes (and what's between them) within you.

I also think that men and women balance each other out. If you want your man to be more masculine, be more feminine and reward the behaviors that you like. Certainly, you ought not to punish the behaviors that you like. (People reward and punish the behavior of others all the time. If you pay attention, you can notice it everywhere).

[–]MissNietzsche 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, but it's come to be accepted that TRP and TBP have different meanings from the Matrix on these subs on Reddit.

But I do completely agree with your last paragraph

[–]En-Zu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it very much depends on the type of society they're living in. In ours, we don't have to make real decisions or face real competition until we hit like 25y/o.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)


[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

We use alpha and beta to describe traits. Here is an explanation from the sidebar from a post about vetting. It is a common convention on RPW.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)


    [–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    If you think the sidebar is bs then RPW is not the place for you to be posting.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)


      [–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      You are angry that we do not share your views. This is not a debate site. My explanation to you was not an opening for discussion.