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INSIGHTFUL"5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage" (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

"5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage" is going viral across my facebook: my older, long-time-married church friends are loving it. It has also appeared on that saddest of subreddits, r/deadbedrooms.

I thought its five simple, and straightforward suggestions seemed very in line with this subreddit (but i'm new so, constructive critisism is welcome)

Women, we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands and marriages. Don't let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.

I liked how it recognised our SOs can be our greatest joy, instead of treating them like dopy sit-com dads.

It lists five bad habits:

  1. Living outside of what you can afford

  2. Constant negativity

  3. Putting everything else first

  4. Withholding physical affection

  5. Not speaking his language [speak plainly, don't expect mind reading]

I hope you ladies enjoy this :)


[–]filthscum 19 points20 points  (23 children)

Do you feel that women at /r/deadbedrooms could ever benefit from RP advice?

[–]ColdEiric 20 points21 points  (18 children)

Without doubt.

Some feminine traits do not get old, some characteristics do not get hit by the wall. This is what guys look for, when they ask the question: Is this girl worth keeping?

Edit, added after replies: Think the opposites of the five listed traits. They are:"

  • Living within your means. Does she live within her means? Could she financially take care of herself, if she needed to?

  • Optimism. You have no clue on how to consistently separate optimism from pessimism? I didn't either. Not before Learned Optimism.

  • First things first. That means, do the most important thing first. Not the most urgent. Forget the bells and the whistles.

  • Men want to hold hands, hug, kiss, and of course do it. Boys consider girls to be icky and full of cooties. Men don't. Game is about getting the cooties. Do you give your man, the man you love, what he wants?

  • Speak plainly and clearly and honestly. Men can handle it. Men look and search and hunt for the unedited truth. Do you give it? However, he doesn't want you to tell the truth to everyone, but only to him.

[–]filthscum 5 points6 points  (17 children)

What kind of advice would you give to a woman who is consistently well kept and fit, consistently complimentary and loving toward her man, who enthusiastically cooks for him, does his laundry, (folds it and puts little presents in it, like love notes or little pictures) who decorated, (on her own dime) the home beautifully and enjoys (without ever complaining) cleaning, and yet her man still won't engage in sexual activity?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (3 children)

I'd ask if she's being honest

[–]filthscum 0 points1 point  (2 children)

She is. The only way the bedroom could come back to life would be if I were to go back to initiating all of the time, which I can not longer do.

[–]Bea_Noemi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also would like to know why not? Perhaps that's what he's looking for?

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (6 children)

That's a difficult question that maybe some of the more experienced ladies can take a whack at. I'll try my two cents, though.

My first thought is, if he is withholding sex, what are you (possibly unintentionally) withholding from him in return? Sexual rejection hurts and its easy to start withdrawing from physical affection (touch, kissing, etc) to avoid feeling that pain of rejection again. But if you aren't hugging and kissing and holding and having him lay his head in your lap so you can run your fingers through his hair (all that kind of cute stuff) you are pushing sex even further away, and its becomes a downward spiral. Don't withhold initiating, either. A sexual man wants to feel wanted, and if you are turning the cold shoulder in an effort to have him make the first move, you are defeating yourself.

That said, many antidepressants can cause low libido in men, as can work stress. Many men want to perform well in bed, and it can up feeling more like work and stress than something fun, and they often turn to porn because it's an easy, one-player game with no expectations.

I would encouage my SO to pick up a new hobby outside the house. Give him a little time away from the home-work-home routine, get him focused on himself for a while, help him relieve that stress that may be building up, and that may really brighten his outlook :) A lot of times, women unintentionally strive to keep our men at home with us, and forget they can get a world of good from engaging in a masculine activity on their own terms. Even I struggle with the "boys night out" but i 'm working on it :)

The last thing I would mention is, we are all about finding a good Captain, someone who meets his needs, and by doing that, fulfills ours. No one fan deny that sex is an important part of a relationship, and if you are not married, perhaps you need to take a look around and think about whether your dead bedroom isn't a clue that other parts of your relationship aren't being nurtured, either.

We always encourage looking inwards first to fix relationship issues, because 1) we are often getting in our own way 2) we are the only people we can change. I wouldn't begin by laying this issue only at your SOs feet (brainstorm ideas to be a better SO first, and see if the issue doesn't resolve itself), but you also may find that you have chosen a poor Captain.

But start with you :) I hope that helps, and if I'm off base, I welcome correction

Edit: After reading your post history, this is really out of my depth, and the more experienced ladies and men will be the ones you'll want to see replies from

[–]filthscum 4 points5 points  (5 children)

We are quite physically affectionate in every way other then sex; we hold hands, we cuddle, I love brushing his hair, (which is strange, I know, but he has such a lovely hue to his short little locks and he thinks it feels great) and I brush his hair and rub his head and neck through whole movies.

He has a close knit circle of friends and they meet weekly to do man things. I wish my man would watch porn...it would show me that he has some interest in sex. Sadly, it's me who has to resort to porn...if you can imagine that.

Anyway, I genuinely appreciate your response. I have been visiting this sub quite a lot lately. I suppose the reason why I thought I would poke around for advice here is because it's not as if I can go to an RPW therapist to seek possible resolutions.

I have no doubt that any therapist would likely give me hoakey, pre-fab responses that wouldn't much address possible core issues of masculine/feminine relations.

Thank you again.

[–]TempestTcup 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The two of you are best friends; that is all. This isn't a romantic relationship. You need to decide what is important in your life, and act on that. You two can still be best friends if you decide that you want to have a romantic relationship with a man who wants you.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm really glad you decided to join us and share your issue with us; I hope we have some solutions for you :)

[–]wendy-fly1 Star 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Any chance he is asexual? He doesn't want sex, sexual activities other than P in V, and he isn't looking at porn. Asexuality is starting to be seen as a sexual orientation, just like heterosexual or homosexual. That means that it probably can't be changed. If this is the case you have to negotiate or leave him for someone who shares your sexual orientation. Asexuality does not affect his gender identity- he would still do "man things".

Also, get his testosterone level checked. Even if it is in the lower end of normal, he might still benefit from supplementation.

[–]filthscum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have honestly been thinking this for quite some time, but I am very much in denial. He is incredibly "masculine;" he is simply uninterested in sex. He, once every few months, is interested in orgasmic release. Otherwise I have to say that is it. He Never looks at porn, or women...or men. In fact we recently went to an early Christmas party. I went outside with my lady friends, and a few hours later I walked in to him looking bored and annoyed with some absolutely beautiful Asian girls fawning all over him physically, telling him he looks like a "movie star," leaning against him while he was in obvious discomfort. He becked me over and asked that I leave my girl friends and just defend him for a bit.

It is so bizarre to me. He obviously has high social value to women but he is just bored by every female advance...or male advance.

I am trying to avoid this line of reasoning, buy your point of view is perhaps forcing me to face facts.

Thank you.

[–]bsutansaltTRP MOD[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Be more direct, but not necessarily aggressive. Tell him you want a romantic evening and you have something sexy in store for him. "Sexy" is the key word to use here, because it's pretty clear what you have in store.

One thing you do need to find out is if he's got anxiety issues relating to sex for one reason or another. That could be putting him off from wanting sexy time, like if he's afraid he can't get it up then it would make sense he'd avoid it out of fear of damaging his ego by not being able to perform.

[–]vacuu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Guy here. I think it could be one of two things. Either he has lost attraction to you, or as someone else mentioned has some type of anxiety, or both.

I can envision a situation where the woman is sexually active/assertive, and that is both a turnoff and causes anxiety. The reason is that a more sexually active woman will naturally want the most dominate man. That puts him on the spot and means that at some level, in order for him to even get it up and mate with you, he has to be psychologically ready to go head-to-head with any other man and be better. Willing to physically stop any other man that challenges him. And it's just too much.

A chaste woman on the other hand is much less threatening, and more attractive. She isn't constantly comparing and looking for the most dominate guy to get her off, because she isn't getting off at all. She's more vulnerable and needs someone to protect her, because being chaste in a world full of men is very scary. Overall, it's just more feminine, less threatening, and will involuntarily cause him to want you. You can even kind of pretend you don't want it by being playfully shy and modest when he comes on to you.

[–]subnaree 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had that problem once. It turned out that the problem was my mental approach. I can't tell you exactly what I did, but it consisted of me being aware of my nature.

Now there's plenty of sex even though the circumstances are somewhat challenging. :3

[–]Bea_Noemi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's tough. I think it would come down to "what can I do differently to make you feel more attracted to me?" And do those things in addition to the other stuff. People think men are single focused when in actuality (I think based on experience) it's the package they're attracted to in an LTR.

[–]AerobusTRP MOD 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Yes definitely. As someone else pointed out, I saw your post on that sub. Don't leave him. It's definitely fixable. I'm going to think about this and talk with some veteran RPWs.

I highly suggest you repost that here. I think we'll all be able to give some good advice.

I can give you one bit of advice right now. I know it's frustrating, and I know you've been trying to make it work, but if you want to save this marriage at all, do not allow feelings of contempt towards him to manifest, let alone have them overshadow your feelings of love towards him.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This sub really is full of kind members, thank you so much for helping u/filthscum, I am really looking forward to the discussion.

[–]Bea_Noemi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely. The men as well. If your wife doesn't want you, become more sexually attractive. There have been posts there that are RP life without using the terminology. The man (HL) employs a bit of dread game and self improvement and things start to improve. It likely weans again because they stop and get complacent. At least, that's what I glean from that sub. The point is: if your person isn't attracted to you, be more attractive. This should be a conversation (frequently if necessary) between all adult relationships. My SO has told me things he'd like me to do/change/improve and they were absolutely reasonable. For example, I'm very thin naturally but not necessarily muscular. I don't look like I work out a bunch. He has told me he was more attracted to me (he's still attracted to me, he was just adding a bit of emphasis) when my body takes on the shape it does when I've been working out regularly.

[–]AerobusTRP MOD 23 points24 points  (10 children)

Withholding physical affection

Fun fact: This is also the easiest way to cause your man to cheat.

Thankfully on RPW, the goal is to pick a good man and be sensible as to how you go about playing the dating game. So this tidbit of advice may not necessarily apply here, since most of you should not (or, are not) worrying about him cheating. Nevertheless, if you are every worried that your man might cheat, know that you have the power to deter him. All you have to do is have sex with him.

I know that this is complicated. As someone that has studied rocket science in my free time, I can tell you that this knowledge is about the same level of complexity (or, at least the reactions I got on askwomen and relationships when I posted this lead me to believe that people consider this as difficult as rocket science). No matter how daunting it may sound, I highly encourage that you study this labyrinthine, enigmatic, and difficult theory.

Overall, good article.

Edit: After reading someone's comment here: A man withholding physical intimacy from his woman can also cause his woman to cheat.

[–]StingrayVC 6 points7 points  (6 children)

If I may, it's only slightly more complicated than rocket science as the only caveat here is, starfish sex doesn't count.

[–]proprioceptor 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Is it ok to fake enthusiasm when you don't feel like having sex? To avoid starfishing?

[–]frozen_strawberryEndorsed Woman 6 points7 points  (0 children)

fake it until you make it.

[–]StingrayVC 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I think you'll find that you won't have to fake enthusiasm when your not in the mood simply because, when you have in your mind that you are going to have sex when he wants it to, you get in the mood quite quickly.

Now, I would be lying to say that every time my husband wants to have sex, I get completely and utterly in the mood. There are times when I'm just too tired to get completely into it. He does know that, even though I may not be entirely enthusiastic, I am still enjoying myself. I am trying for his sake, if you will and I am quite happy about it. Is this faking it? I don't really know. He's happy, I'm happy and we are both enjoying ourselves.

So, to phrase it better, be enthusiastic even when your not in the mood. Maybe you need to start out by faking it, but eventually, you won't be. And he will likely realize that you aren't completely in the mood, but he will be thrilled that you are on the same page as him anyway.

Does that make sense?

[–]proprioceptor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely. Thanks!

[–]Bea_Noemi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is an excellent explanation. I struggle with this. I have a stressful job and hellish commute. So I sometimes have to let him initiate and respond in kind even though before that I'm thinking "meh, I'm tired".

[–]Bea_Noemi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you find yourself faking it frequently you need to find out why and have a discussion about it. I am also of the "fake it till you make it" opinion and it's easier said than done. Making sex a priority over "I have to get up early for work" or "I'm so tired today" WILL help. For women, the "use it or lose it" applies here. Women want more sex if they're getting it. If it's been a month (I can't even imagine) some women just don't want to make the effort unless there is some overwhelming hornyness going on. But if you have frequent sex you'll likely find that the desire comes back organically. From what I've read, men have a tendency to be opposite. The less they get the more they want up to a certain point. Then they also stop "wanting" it as much. For some it's natural and for others it's a constant "well we never do so might as well not want it" scenario. I'll see if I can find a link to the article I read on the subject.

[–]my-redpillthrowaway 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Fun fact: This is also the easiest way to cause your man to cheat.

This ought to be common sense. How can people be that dense?

[–]AerobusTRP MOD 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Don't question the power of the female hamster.

[–]HeadingRed 3 points4 points  (0 children)

5 hits home with this guy. Questions are questions and statements are statements. Questions get answered, statements get digested. We do pay attention to your words and that can lead to unneeded drama.

Men lead with a question or an event. Women tell a story that often ends with an event or a half question. Men do Q&A. Women do tell and show. If its not a big issue that's not a problem. If its a big one we have to remember 3-5-10 other things before getting to the topic at hand. It's like getting step-by-step instructions out of order and without a picture of the finished product. Here is an example from my own experience-

Her – are you going to be at work late today or tomorrow

Him – Not sure, will let you know.

Her – They put up a new building on your way home

Him – Should I take another way? Is the road going to be torn up?

Her – No but it looks like they have a pretty huge new grocery store going up like the one over by your cousins house

Him – Which cousin

Her – The one who had that birthday party last summer

Him – Eric or Donna

Her- (getting a bit annoyed) Donna

Him – Ok (puzzled)

Her – Well you know Donna said they have a great bakery so I was hoping you would pick something up for Friday as we are having people over.

Lead with what you want or need- right now I am thinking about construction, my cousins, two birthday parties and how I got you annoyed. Lead with the need - pile on the details after. It will keep us both happy.

[–]nat2bug 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've heard a lot of women saying this is from the '50s. I practice these kinds of things all the time in my marriage (8 years), and they work. One of the underlying benefits is that the lines of communication are more open. We get along better. In our early years, we fought all the time, but once we started being less selfish, and putting each other first, we started getting along much better! Also, another point is that some people think that putting your SO first means above the kids as well. This isn't true. There are times when my kids need my attention, and I give it to them when they do. But since I am in a good habit of giving my hubs attention, he doesn't feel like I am neglecting him when I give attention to the kiddos when they need it.

[–]cxj 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If there is one thing I've learned from marriage is that a good man wants you to be happy, and if he can't help you do that, it makes him unhappy. It's okay to have a bad day once in a while, that's totally understandable, but don't make it a way of life.

This is so so so true. Nothing is more discouraging and depressing than trying your hardest to make the girl youre with feel special and loved and taken care of and have her still be unhappy, usually over trvialities and inconveniences.

[–]Mrswhiskers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it would be hilarious if number 5 were literal instead of figurative.