74
75

FIELD REPORTFR: My Husband F***ed Up Today... (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

Ok so the title is a little click-baity but I could't help myself. :-) So let me give y'all a little background first so you understand the eff up...

I've been trying to strike a good balance between my work and home life. I need to work part time to help make ends meet and provide breathing room in our budget. I work in healthcare and I'm per diem which means I set the hours I want to work, when, how many, what day, etc. Its a sweet deal, I work at a skilled nursing facility so there's always tons of hours available and I just get to pick and choose what I want. My husband works regular office hours and I'm second shift so I can stay home with the baby (9 months old today!!) and that way he isn't in daycare. However if I work 3 nights a week, I see less of my husband. Its a trade off. This week, I decided to try and work two "doubles (aka 16 hour shifts) to get all my hours into 2 days. So I worked from 3p Monday afternoon until 7am Tuesday morning and Thursday night to Friday morning. I nap when the baby naps and its definitely tolerable.

LB (Little Boy) Dunham is on a feeding schedule like most babies his age. He's getting pretty good at sleeping through the night. Before I left for work on Monday I explained the schedule and went to work. Well they slept through a feeding and got it three hours late so LB woke me up after only an hour of sleep. I talked to Mr. Dunham again, told him what happened and explained the importance of the schedule. Well the same thing happened again this morning. This time I was pissed. Why is it that I can keep the schedule and he can't? I feed the baby every single night, he can't do it while I'm at work?! I have to work AND take care of the house! Doesn't he get how tired I am?! And I could have yelled all these things at him. I'd definitely have a right to. I think every woman here that has a child completely understands my anger. I had worked sixteen hours and then had to come home, barely fall asleep only to be woken up by a hungry baby who was very happy to see me.

Instead, I erased the nasty text message I was planning on sending him and instead said, "LB tells me you didn't feed him this morning." To which he apologized and said he totally forgot, he had set an alarm but it didn't go off for whatever reason. I didn't feel I could say anything nice, so I didn't say anything else about it. Tonight when he got home he apologized again and promised he'd get it right for next week.

The whole point of this FR is that there is no grand closure to this story. I don't work again until next Monday. The point is that even though it should have been a simple task and he screwed up twice and really inconvenienced me is that I still love him and he's still my husband. We all make mistakes, we all screw up. I had an expectation that he would do something and he failed, twice. But that doesn't make him a failure and it doesn't make him incompetent. Just because my husband makes mistakes doesn't mean he isn't trustworthy. I could have raked him over the coals and I'm pretty sure he expected it, but I value the harmony in our marriage more than being right and making sure he knows it. Consequently, he told me the fact that I didn't yell made him feel worse, especially when he walked in the door tonight and saw how exhausted I looked.

There isn't always a happy, rosy ending. Sometimes our husbands fail and just suck at doing things. Be RPW anyway. Its not always easy or always fair or always rewarding but that's life my dears. I'll make up the sleep tonight, but the damage my harsh words could have done to our relationship and his confidence as my captain could have lasted for far longer than that.

Treasure your husband, treasure your marriage.

~Sadie


[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 46 points47 points  (8 children)

"I'll make up the sleep tonight, but the damage my harsh words could have done to our relationship and his confidence as my captain could have lasted for far longer than that."

I love this. 99% of the time the 'damage' a husband can do through his mistakes is temporary (as is the 'damage' our mistakes do!). Overspending will eventually be made up for. A mess will eventually be cleaned up. A lost date night will eventually be forgotten. But hurtful words can start a damaging pattern that can haunt us for years and years!

[–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Thank you. It was not easy lol but I'm glad now that I handled it this way. Sometimes we speak more to our husbands when we say less.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 7 points8 points  (1 child)

This is why I'm such a big fan of little relationship tokens (obviously the ultimate one is the wedding band but there are others). In the heat of the moment (especially if you are legitimately and righteously frustrated) it's so hard to remember there's a larger priority (health of marriage/relationship)!

This is a 100% different arena but to me it's like how my office has massive mission statement posters where everyone can see them (and in conf rooms where many arguments happen). That way when you're tempted to unnecessarily ream out a colleague for an innocent mistake you have a visual reminder that there's a bigger picture.

It's quite cheesy but all the cute couple photos around our apt serve a similar purpose for me, as does having my BF as my phone background image...whenever I want to text him something mean I look at it :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's so hard!! I love that you have visual reminders.

[–]Macheako 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Hurtful words only linger because they never get resolved. Sometimes actually being hurtful THEN going out of your way to resolve the pain you caused can actually bring growth. People don't worry about you tearing them apart, they worry about you not being there to put the pieces back together.

We don't fear pain alone, rather, it's the pain of being alone we fear.

Women often confuse this concept quite regularly with men, but it isn't that we can't stand the occasional reprimand by our woman, it's that we don't like her seemingly "entitled" attitude to reprimand us WHENEVER she wants and over WHATEVER she wants.

Put another way: Men are OK, we actually somewhat appreciate it, when we are reminded of our "duties" in life BUT we are not OK how women nowadays feel entitled to be on the top of that list of duties...you're not, a relationship cannot exist with one person, we NEED to take care of ourselves occasionally to

Or another way: Men are FAR FAR more willing to accept a sort of "righteous anger", than an unrighteousness one. What makes the anger righteous? It's over something wholly Good and Beautiful in life, like the care of your child, or a mans wife's well being.

And the last way: Don't be afraid to be honest with your man, sorry girls :p but us Men truly WANT your honesty lol it isn't your honesty that gets us upset, it's how y'all seem to mix up "your honesty" with the actual Truth of the universe lol. Like, JUST BECAUSE you THINK something is True of life...doesn't make it so, as Men, it's largely our job to figure out if it actually does. So get upset, say what you need to say, but don't you dare for a goddamn second believe just because it's coming outta your mouth that it's even remotely fucking correct lol Men aren't mad that our women get mad too, we're mad that y'all seem to be stupid enough to make believe you're ALWAYS fucking right about what you're upset over lolol

Hopefully now you can see a little better just exactly what it is we don't want. The self entitled "I'm angry therefor my angry MUST be justified" attitude, which, if I'm being fair, IS a large part of anger...so be careful with that shit ladies ;)

But yea, you shouldn't feel ANY shame in letting your man know he fucked up. He did, and, his actions completely warrant at least SOME shame lolol taking care of the raw biological needs of his family is very much a mans duty lol, within reason of course.

But for what it's worth, I already know he's got an amazing wife because for fucks sakes AT LEAST you're different than the MILLIONS of women who won't even work WITH their husband, so for having his back, and standing behind him like you are,even though he's being a dope here, lol for real bitch, you fucking rule!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haha no joke!

God bless you guys and with a strong woman like yourself behind and beside him, ain't no reason to worry, you guys will figure it out! ;) Don't stop that Love girl.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

it's how y'all seem to mix up "your honesty" with the actual Truth of the universe lol. Like, JUST BECAUSE you THINK something is True of life...doesn't make it so

This was a HUGE revelation for me in my RP journey.

[–]Macheako 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad you were able to work through it!!! lol seriously. The better you are, as a strong and understanding woman, the MORE love & happiness you just ARE going to express throughout the life you live and the relationships you share; I see it all the time.

But yea, even if you don't believe, I think we can at least agree that for such a being, be it a human or another "thing", IF they did have the power to create Truth with their mind, like, REAL Truth the rest of the world had to live by just by imagining it...then it's safe to say that being would, for all intents and purposes, be God lol

So if you're an Atheist, you can reconcile it by understanding there are NO gods, not even yaself, or if you're like me and come from a Judeo/Christian faith, or just plain ol religious really, well then you're just contending with the fact that YOU are not God lol

It be pretty sweet if we COULD tho lol then again....I'm not sure if it'd be so sweet for those that have to obey our stupid rules xD

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Just wanted to say this was a really enlightening comment because I just called my boyfriend out on some serious things. I have a hard time not being a doormat and my problem is being a doormat and not saying when I have an issue (usually major things I don't fuss about trivial things). This really helped me see the fact that honesty is appreciated sometimes because it means we have standards.

[–]Macheako 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes!!!!!!! That's all I ever hope for with my random ass and cryptic Reddit comments lol, no lie.

But yea, you ain't alone girl. I struggled with this for a LONG time myself. But what really helped show me the light in the end was when I studied the Bible verse Matthew 7:6

'Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.'

While it's easy to slip in the comfortable mode of just pretending that being a doormat is true love, it's hard to reconcile it with the justification of giving that same love to a SHITTY human being while a good natured, and tender heart is just down the road but getting nothing :/

We want to say "but they need it more", I sure did, but then I asked myself what was I ACTUALLY giving them? The 'reward' of my Love, or the sometimes corrective scolding of my Love lol...and it sure wasn't the scolding.

At some point I started to see Love in 2 main lights, one aspect was the reward for being a great person, and the other is the time and compassion towards helping someone actually become better. This made it easy for me to see the "helping make someone better" part wasn't going to those people I felt it should :( Cause I was afraid of losing them should I show that.

But what REALLY did it for me was just thinking about what it means to give "the gift of my love" to nasty, shitty people that constantly did me wrong. It wasn't 'helping' them grow. They hadn't fucking changed in 10 goddamn years of nothing but my love lolol so what gives?

And that's when I sorted realized the importance in giving people NOT unconditional gifts, or rewards, of my Love, but giving them the exact aspect of my Love that they deserved. Sometimes it's patience, others it's compassion, a LOT of times it's my honesty lol about how shitty they're behaving, and sometimes, when they're deserving of it, I give em the REAL good stuff ;)

World views aside, it isn't evident to me that we "teach" one another the value of being a good person by ALWAYS being good to each other. If someone just murdered and raped the dead bodies of 1000 refugees...you think they still deserve ALL of your love? Haha fuck no! But in this case, the compassion to AT LEAST just hear them out, I mean, MAYBE they were all isis agents and the guy just hasn't had a good fuck in a while lol I don't know.

But my point is that having standards is just another way of telling someone how you want to be treated. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be treated like which you are, a human being. We all at least should strive towards that little bit of decency for one another.

Glad I could help, though the glory belongs to God on this one, it was His book after all ;)

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Wowowowowow!!!!

Ms Sadie Dunham!!! You deserve a gold metal for this slam dunk, home run, touchdown! Good job!

The bottom line is that it isn't about being right. It's about doing what's right to improve your marriage and that's exactly what you did with grace.

Sleep well tonight!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–]HelloNeo 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is be a mature adult. When your impulses are telling you to lose your shit, scream, and just complain to your partner and you decide to take a step back and breathe... It takes a hell of a lot of strength. You handled this gracefully. It sounds like he's genuinely sorry and won't let it happen again. Good luck, OP.

Great lesson here for truly everyone, not just RPW.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I do slip up but I caught myself this time.

[–]Willow-girl 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Sadie, you are wise beyond your years!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you)

[–]lord-denning 4 points5 points  (6 children)

I was touched by your story. Of course you are right to want to ensure that your boys is well fed on time. And you are correct that raking your husband over the coals would not have the desired effect.

But I wonder if RPW theory can also tell us how you might inspire your husband to do better in this area going forward? I personally have been positively inspired by the women in my life to do better in household matters that are not my natural forte, is there any way you can you do the same for him?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

He has alarms on his phone for midnight and 6:30 now to wake him up. He has ADD and trouble planning things but when we come up with solutions and work around the ADD it helps. I love that the women around you inspire you to try harder. That's so lovely.

[–]HobbesTheBrave 1 point2 points  (3 children)

He has ADD and trouble planning things but when we come up with solutions and work around the ADD it helps.

That's just argument for paying extra attention towards him planning things. Not that I'd suggest you to be a mother to him, because if you plan for him, he is going to behave like a kid and rebel. Yes, good wives have their own 'plans' for what good husbands do, but just as you chose 'to not be a bad wife' as you showed in this short story, it is his thing to be a good husband and choose to plan and execute his own plan. Despite his ADD.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

It's definitely a fine line with ADD between being helpful and mothering. I find that using a bright happy tone of voice and never being condescending when giving him reminders is key. Or I'll phrase it as a question, like, "Honey didn't you say you wanted to bring your battery pack to work today?" or "Do you want me to go grab your battery pack?"

[–]HobbesTheBrave 1 point2 points  (1 child)

So long as your helpfulness aims at the same goal as his chosen and explicit plan, then I don't think you're mothering him.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree. I think it's a very individual line and you ha e to know yourself and your partner very well.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I wonder if RPW theory can also tell us how you might inspire your husband to do better in this area going forward?

What Sadie did is a perfect way to inspire him. On one hand she let him know about his mess up, OTOH she presented the problem and not the solution. After this, silence is gold!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (5 children)

I did this approach for the first 7 years of my daughters life. It took some hard realizations to see that it wasn't that he couldn't do it, he didn't want to and knew I'd take care of it all eventually. We both worked full time. (I was married for 15+ years). My point is, is that if things don't improve, don't shove it under the rug just to keep the peace. That will result in resentment. Continue to give him responsibility and angle situations where he suffers if protocol isn't followed. Let him learn. You both will gain respect and treat parenthood as a working relationship.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I totally get where you're coming from and I do understand your concern. Certainly if he can't get on track, I'll give up my doubles and go back to working single shifts. I'm not going to kill myself and do everything.

Over the 4 years we've been together he's shown me he cares and I know he truly loves me. I think because I've been the one exclusively feeding him for the first 8 months he didn't realize the importance of the schedule. Now that I've gone over the time line for both times and shown him I'm only sleeping 45-60 minutes and then praying for the afternoon nap I think he understands. We will see!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Great! I was with my ex for 4 years before we got married. People do change, so I am encouraging and can only relate from.a point of caution as hindsight is 20/20. Sounds like you both work well together and a learning curve is temporary. Lucky lady! Keep on.the great work and examples for us.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I'm so blessed by my husband, I feel so lucky and grateful to have him. He's just obtuse sometimes, I think it's the ADD. My MIL says my FIL is the same way, haha. But I thank you for your hindsight!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I have read your posts for a long while.now and I really like you. You are mature beyond your years and have a wonderful future ahead for you and your family. I mean that from the heart.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I appreciate your words. I'm glad it comes through in my writing.

[–]melbautoast 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I love this and I'm so proud of you. I think one of the ideas that really resonates with me is that you had a right to be upset. Telling yourself your rights gives you validation and choosing to lay down those rights for the bigger picture helps quell resentment.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is such a good lesson about letting things go gracefully. Because holding those little bitter pent up feelings just begin to weigh down your marriage and your perceptions of your husband while simultaneously making you a little bit blind to your own failings! (Which we all have! Because like you said, we're human and we make mistakes.)

Forgiveness and trust is a huge part of maturity imo. I'm learning how to utilize it a lot better in my marriage. Like, for example, I've been in nesting mode getting the house clean since I started maternity and been fairly anxious about all this cardboard from baby furniture and recycling currently sitting in my conservatory being a hot ugly clutter and I've asked my husband a few times if we can finally just load it up and dump it before I go a little spare but it's not done. And I let it go. It will get done, I know it, maybe not right at the time frame I want, but I know it'll get done and I have to trust he'll do it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

while simultaneously making you a little bit blind to your own failings! (Which we all have! Because like you said, we're human and we make mistakes.)

Well said.

[–]ivegotsomequestions0 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I didn't feel I could say anything nice, so I didn't say anything else about it.

This is completely key! And sometimes, it's incredibly hard to say nothing.

Your self-control and reasonableness are serving you really well. I'm trying to follow the same principles with my own husband! My own mother was completely the opposite—if my father screwed up in any way, she just had to tell him about it, at length.

It's so important to keep in mind that our husbands are operating completely from good faith. I don't know why that's sometimes easy to forget, but usually the best course of action is to STFU until I remember again.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My own mother was completely the opposite—if my father screwed up in any way, she just had to tell him about it, at length.

So did mine. I decided a long time ago that even though I loved her u did not want to be like her.

It's so important to keep in mind that our husbands are operating completely from good faith

Yes! Why wouldn't they be?! So many women have this attitude that they're husbands are deliberately trying to piss them off. I don't get it.

[–]nonnimoose 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I had so many thoughts reading your report!

  • It is incredibly difficult to parent an infant and work outside the home. Even if you have the kind of job that allows a ton of flexibility, it is still exhausting if you're doing both well. I wouldn't know from personal experience, because I didn't do it! I couldn't get my act together to work outside the home after having a baby. So huge props to you for pulling this off.

-No one understands baby's needs/schedules like mom does. No One Else. Whether it's innate or whether it's because mom figured out the ideal schedule to begin with, the fact remains that no one else really gets it. I couldn't get my baby to sleep through the night until my husband was off on a business trip for two weeks - he kept screwing it up!

-I grew up in a family where there was constant arguing about who did what wrong and who was "right." Plainly, it sucked. I was an anxious little kid always worrying about the next big blow-up. The first time I made a careless mistake that messed up plans with my husband (then boyfriend), his reaction was foreign to me! He didn't make a big deal out of it, just worked with me to resolve it. It was a revelation to me that an argument didn't have to ensue for resolution to occur. Yeah, I held on to this guy!

-The only thing I remember from the minister's sermon at our wedding was this: "When you are angry at your spouse, dare to love." This is exactly what you did. You were justifiably angry, but held your emotions in check and let your love for your husband and family prevail. You strengthened your marriage.

Happy (early) Mother's Day MsSadie!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

dare to love

I love that! Happy Mother's Day to you, too!

[–]kekerae 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This is so phenomenal. It can be so hard to just shut up (or to phrase something completely different than you want to) when something doesn't go the way you think it ought to...especially if it's a recurring event. Massive kudos to you for pulling those long shifts with a little one around, that must be incredibly hard.

I recently weaned my daughter from breastfeeding (and she therefore no long nurses to sleep for bed and naps) which means my husband can be a much more active participant in sleep routines for our toddler. I'm really having to learn that he does it in his own way and that eventually our daughter will go to sleep. It's really hard for a mom to take that step back and let someone else parent for a while.

My husband was actually gone for 6 months during our daughter's first year of life so allowing him to come in and start doing any parenting at all (even thought he's the dad) was extremely hard for me at first. I've come a long way!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow! Six months! That's intense. It is definitely hard to not micromanage with kids (my husband does it when I'm driving). We definitely just need to realize there's no right or wrong way, just different ways.

[–]SouthernAthenaEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Wow, here I'd built up in my mind that you have a perfect life and husband because of your great posts, new baby, good job, supportive MIL, etc., but this goes to show that it really is work for all of us to live the good life. Kudos to you for not blowing up on him!

My way of dealing with anger is usually actually to get sad and say nothing (not practiced, just my personality type), and my SO always says that my method of dealing with his anger when it happens is much more affective then with his ex, who would blow up in equal parts and start a huge fight. When he sees that he's hurt me, but I don't fight fire with fire, he's actually felt remorse and changed his behavior.

[–]Nyquil-Junkie 4 points5 points  (6 children)

See, if you had gotten a dog or a cow, or a nice goat, you set a roll of hay out, or a pail of food and water, turn on the radio and they are happy for days on end with no attention if you can't be there.

I'm not sure you thought this baby thing through very well.

I had my kids pooping in the yard and playing catch with a ball at 8 weeks old. Try that with a human child and you'll have CPS on your door.

Clearly, a dog is a better choice. Maybe you can trade the kid in for one. I'm sure the google machine can help.

I think a few missed meals will toughen the little man up and build character. No doubt dad will agree with me.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (4 children)

😂😂 I have a dog actually. I've had him since I was 19. But your comment made me laugh.

[–]Willow-girl 3 points4 points  (3 children)

He's good at that. I came home late one night last week (I pull double shifts too, lol) and started whimpering because the sink was full of dishes. Usually I tidy up before bed, but I was reeeeally tired. He said, "Go take your bath; I'll do the dishes." (This was a major sacrifice -- he hates washing dishes.)

When I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, all the dishes were in the drainer. I said, "How could you have done them so fast?" (Clearly a shit test, implying he didn't do a good job.) He replied, grinning, "Didn't use soap!"

OMG, I couldn't help laughing ... (and spent the rest of the night going, "No really, you used soap, didn't you? Please tell me you used soap ...) :-)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That's funny! You two sound like fun together.

[–]Willow-girl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

LOL, yeah ... you just don't want to eat off our dishes! :-o

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ahaha love this. Btw sounds very "agree & amplify" ;p

[–]lidlredridinghood 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My captain and I have been discussing getting a dog when my baby fever hits. 😂

[–]mydogisfabulous 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You have a lot of awareness and self control. I admire your inner strength.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I thank you. I'm still a work in progress, RP has helped me with my self awareness and that awareness with my control. But it's a daily battle.

[–]isabeavis 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Instead, I erased the nasty text message I was planning on sending him and instead said, "LB tells me you didn't feed him this morning." To which he apologized and said he totally forgot, he had set an alarm but it didn't go off for whatever reason.

I'm glad this worked for you, but if I had sent that text to my husband he would have seen it as passive aggressive snark and he would have been defensive and upset and seen it as another example of 'him not doing anything right'.

However, we have a lot of baggage in our marriage and even though I have been implementing more and more of Laura Doyle's strategies over the last 12-18 months, I don't feel there would have been any way for me to handle this without causing a fight :(

Clearly, I still have a long way to go.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I totally get that and I see how it could be seen as passive aggressive but we have this joke because the baby is always babbling that we know what he's saying like, "hey mom, why don't you share that last piece of bacon with me?" Or whatever so I knew he'd think it was funny while simultaneously getting that he'd forgotten something.

Don't stop moving forward! This journey is so worth it and yes it's harder if you have been together for a long time it's hard but it's worth it and it gets easier and there will be change.

[–]isabeavis 0 points1 point  (3 children)

To be honest, I'm pretty discouraged. This sub has encouraged me to be my best me, and over the last 12-18 months I have been making a lot of very positive changes. I am always well-presented, I maintain my body and my mind. I have limited screen time and TV time at home for myself so that I have more time to keep the house clean and read interesting books. I have reduced my nagging by 99%, I am an amazing homemaker on top of having a great job. I schedule fun family activities that I have no energy for because I know my husband likes them. I cook healthy meals every night for our family. I stop what I'm doing when my husband talks to me and I listen and engage, I give advice when he asks.

All of these things have made me really more fulfilled personally (I got a promotion at work and I'm sure it's because I have been improving myself so much and it's been reflected in my professional life) but they are doing nothing for my marriage.

It feels like the more I improve myself, the more he is spinning into a downward spiral of depression.

Sorry, I know that's heavy and maybe a topic for its own post.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Maybe he needs medication? All the surrendering in the world won't help a mental illness.

[–]isabeavis 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I have suggested he go see our family doctor but he refuses.

He has a very toxic boss right now but is switching positions at the end of the summer, so I'm just trying to stay positive and supportive until then to see if it's just perhaps his work environment (this started a couple years ago when he started working with this person).

Fingers crossed. He is normally very confident and upbeat, which was a big attraction for me in the beginning, so I'm hoping this will pass.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Work problems are a huge downer. If my husband had a slow sales week or month it affects every part of his life. Hopefully that will help change things for you guys.

[–]cant_downvote_truth 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I could have yelled all these things at him. I'd definitely have a right to.

In my life, nobody has the right to yell at anyone else. Never. Not unless the house is on fire and it's life or death to escape the burning building.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's definitely true, I more meant I had a right to be upset. But I also meant it as my state of mind in the moment, super emotional and thinking "I have a right to do this because I'm mad!"

[–]Cardiscappa 0 points1 point  (6 children)

What do you do if your Captain is making a really bad decision, like getting sucked into a pyramid scheme? How do be a RPW in that situation? (We're dating, separate bank accounts, etc.)

I can't believe such an intelligent man can be that gullible. I want to cry.

Edit: After a shower and beer, I feel that I have more of a grip on things. How do I support him when I think the whole thing is a scam? I'm very blunt to the point person and if asked for my opinion, you get the unfiltered response.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Gaaaahh that'd stress me out so much, I know people who truly lost IT ALL in pyramid schemes and I'm very angry about the recruitment tactics of some of these companies.

Perhaps there's a way to neutrally present your observations re: this company's lack of neutral reviews, etc. Basically provide more data but leave the decision to him.

[–]Cardiscappa 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you - it was so helpful to be able to vent.

Doing a bit more looking into the company, it seems to be similar to Mary Kay. I had friends who do/did Mary Kay and were able to make "some" money from it. It's still a ridiculous business model that sucks people in though. It's just mind boggling that he's into this make! $$$$!!! money! in! weeks!! get rich quick scheme where I know he understands hard work and having to grind at things. (He has an amazing body that took years of dedication to get.)

I asked him a bunch of questions that he wasn't able to give me a full answer (again, what is the product?), so I hope that will get him questioning the validity of the claims. If not, fingers crossed that he'll just lose a bit of $ and the items will collect dust in the back of the closet. It now makes me hesitant about joint bank accounts as I have no debt and I'd like to keep it that way.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, the stats are damning. Vast majority of people in MLM's don't make any profit!

I struggle with this issue since my BF & I have separate accounts and thus his spending and $ choices are not really my business, but we are 100% open with each other and do our books together (in preparation to marry, etc.) so it's hard not to give him advice! I've questioned his career choices too harshly in the past and I regret not behaving more respectfully (plus he was right and I was wrong, it turns out). But I also talked my ex once out of a real estate investment that wouldve lost him like, $50K, so I don't want to not speak up!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

You can give your opinion but at some point, he's going to make his own decision. He may just have to learn for himself.

[–]Cardiscappa 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you :)

He asked for my opinion and I gave it in my blunt manner. I don't know how to tell him "you do as you wish" with out sounding passive aggressive, shrew like and disrespectful. I don't want him to fail but it's so obvious that this company is really shady. (Comments and ratings disabled on all videos; all "pro" company websites are from people hawking it. Lengthy videos that have lots of words but say nothing - like those dating coach sites that have a 10k word essay that essentially says the same thing over and over and then asks for $19.99 and your email. There's no actual science to back up the claims.) Reading about it, it's like Arbonne in their marketing but I'm still not sure what the actual product is. When I ask, his answers are as vague as the marketing videos.

Hopefully he won't bring it up again, but I don't know how to be supportive of him doing something so sketchy. I've had friends and acquaintances hassle me with Arbonne and Mary Kay and it's just cringe that someone so wonderful could get sucked into this.

I guess I'll just give my opinion when asked and hope it's not brought up again. Ick.

Thanks for letting me vent. :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's all you can do! He may just have to learn for himself. Good luck to you.

[–]Romans10seventeen 0 points1 point  (3 children)

This is a really interesting post. I have not followed "Red Pill" much, but when a couple people in the catholic dating sub told me Red Pill promoted hatred towards women, I questioned that and there was a lot of push back.

Little did I know there is a red pill subreddit for women, and this is a great example showing this whole "submission" isn't about men treating women like crap.

This is a perfect everyday situation that proves what "The Red Pill" is all about. Your husband screwed up, you could have escalated the situation into a huge argument, but you choose not to.

On the flip side, for men I see Red Pill as self improvement, not necessarily about getting laid, even though some men do that. Whether it is keeping the schedule for feeding your baby or lifting and working on your career. Perhaps for a married man the goal might be trying to get a better job so that his woman doesn't have to work part time to make ends meet.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Im so glad the"misogynist rumor" was dispelled for you! I think if more people just gave it a chance, they'd see its not woman hating at all.

[–]Romans10seventeen 0 points1 point  (1 child)

misogynist... is that one of those people who gives massages?

[–]FanofEmmaG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pretty sure it's one of the people who gets massages.

[–]neveragoodtime -1 points0 points  (2 children)

I'm going to provide you with some context to help you see a deeper reality to your situation. First of all, it's great that you didn't nag your husband, that really shows some self control. Now let's a critical look at Mr. Dunham's perspective and try to understand what he might be thinking or feeling:

"I want a good home-life balance. I choose to work part time to maintain a lifestyle above what my husband provides. I choose the hours I work. It's a sweet deal, I pick and choose what I want. Husband works regular hours and does not pick and choose what he wants. I choose second shift to be with baby, which means I see husband less. I choose to work doubles to have a two day work week."

"I choose a feeding schedule for baby. I explained the feeding schedule to husband. He did not follow my instructions! I did not get the sleep I wanted! I explained the importance of the schedule so that I can have the sleep I want. He did not do the thing I wanted him to do so that I could have the thing that I wanted again! But I love him even though he screwed up a simple task twice."

Do you understand that you're making your husband responsible for the consequences of the choices you made? Of all of those decisions you describe, which were made by your husband? Is he forcing you to work part time, or to work double shifts? Did he demand you get baby on a set feeding routine to accommodate his schedule? Did you approach your husband with a question or with a command? You demanded he follow the schedule. And even though the baby didn't starve to death, you consider his attempts abject failure.

What if you would had approached him with, "Hubby, I would like to work only two days a week, so that I can have more time with you and more time with the baby. It will require that you follow a carefully scripted feeding schedule during those two days, and in return, I will handle XYZ additional responsibilities (that he is usually responsible for) on my days off. Also, I will show my appreciation with a BJ as soon as I've rested from my double shift. What schedule do you think is best?" The BJ is not necessary but it never hurts either.

There is a big difference between making a decision with your husband, and making a decision for your husband. In this scenario, you F***ed up today by making a decision for your husband and expecting him to follow your orders. Do you want to be with the captain or be the captain? By making the captain's decisions you are training him to not take the lead and expect to be yelled at for not taking the lead. He feels bad when you rake him over the coals, but he feels worse when you don't? I feel concern over your marriage from this anecdote because you think you value the harmony in your marriage over being right when harmony only comes from thinking he is right. Your husband failed because you set him up for failure. Try setting him up for success by being happy if he feeds the baby, and happy if he doesn't.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Do you understand that you're making your husband responsible for the consequences of the choices you made?

I have to work. We both would like me to be home but we simply can't afford it. This is not a choice I made.

Of all of those decisions you describe, which were made by your husband? Is he forcing you to work part time, or to work double shifts?

As I said, I have to work. We can't afford bills if I don't. I have to work x amount of hours a week for our budget. Being out of the house 3.5 nights a week proved to be too much time apart from the family. He brought it up and I too had been feeling it. Thus the idea of the double shifts.

Did he demand you get baby on a set feeding routine to accommodate his schedule?

Babies need to be on schedules. Naps, bedtimes, feeding times. LB expects to be fed every 4 hours. Its all he's ever known. You can't make a baby conform to one schedule and then another. He doesn't know whats going on.

Did you approach your husband with a question or with a command? You demanded he follow the schedule.

I really think you don't quite understand how babies work.

I did not get the sleep I wanted!

Now you're being ridiculous. I'm up for about 19 hours straight on these days. Its not "sleep I wanted" its sleep I desparatley needed.

I will show my appreciation with a BJ as soon as I've rested from my double shift.

Are you fully out of your mind?

by making a decision for your husband and expecting him to follow your orders.

As I keep saying, babies need schedules. He's had this schedule every day of his life for the past 9 months. Yeah, midnight is inconvenient timing to feed a baby, tell me about it, up until April I have been exclusively breast feeding (and still working, mind you). I'm fully confident you do not have children or a family. Do I want to be the captain? Read my posting history. I live RPW. I am RPW.

[–]neveragoodtime -2 points-1 points  (4 children)

I see I have activated your defense mechanism with my harsh criticism.

I still hope you will consider that you should accept responsibility for your situation instead of blame your husband and then pat yourself on the back for not yelling at him, even though he still admits that your passive response is even more hurtful. It seems though, that nothing is your fault. I have to work, I have to be with my family five nights a week, baby has to have a schedule, I have to sleep. When your expectations become minimum requirements you will never be satisfied by other people. I'm not saying you're wrong, only asking you to consider another's perspective on your situation.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 my "passive response?" You mean my just looking exhausted? Yeah that was my bad. You fully just don't get it. Bye.

[–]neveragoodtime -1 points0 points  (0 children)

😂😂😂I emoji too! Bye.

[–]ivegotsomequestions0 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Sometimes husbands are wrong hun. If the wife moves on as gracefully as Sadie did, there's no problem in acknowledging it, because there's no temper tantrum, no threats, no passive aggressiveness. No need to distort reality out of fear that she will blow things up.

I have to work, I have to be with my family five nights a week, baby has to have a schedule, I have to sleep ... minimum requirements

Haha, they are indeed.

[–]neveragoodtime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, she handled the situation gracefully.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First off, they just banned me at The Red Pill

Great minds think alike.