FIELD REPORTHalf a day in amd already improving tension with hubby (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Zalikazahavah

Working on surrendering. I have three examples from this morning/day alone.

1.We're on holiday with inlaws. Hubby and his dad are heading out to buy food to prepare lunch (in this family the men are the main cooks/chefs). He asks me "so we're heading out to buy something for lunch, do you want to come along?" I don't really mind either way, and would normally give some vague reply trying to find out what he thinks is best, he would get frustrated that I am vague etc. Instead I reflect it and say "what do you think?" Which feels really weird since he asked me... he quickly says "nah, just stay, he doesn't even know where we're going so might be easier". Or something along those lines.

  1. I'm coming late for lunch because I've been getting the youngest to sleep. There are no free seats for me. I start clearing a wooden trunk thing discretely. Hubby jumps up, "You can sit here!" Normally I would object, say "don't worry" and keep trying to clear the chair. He would get frustrated. Instead I immediately stop clearing the trunk, smile and say thank you and go and sit down where he was sitting. I also don't tell him how to get a place to sit. He first looks in the kitchen at a chair that is full of clean laundry, then he notices the wooden trunk, finishes clearing it and sits down. Easy. Before: he would probably see me as ungrateful, controlling, difficult and stubborn. Now he is happy he could help me and of course, he managed to find a solution himself.

  2. His sister is breastfeeding her 3 month old baby and picking at her chicken with her fork with one hand. But can't really eat. I would help her but I'm too far away. I want to suggest for my husband that he should do it but know he'll do it kind of begrudgingly. I wait. When most are done eating I talk directly to my SIL and ask if she managed to eat anything at all. A bit frustrated she laughs and says not really. I offer to pass her a thigh that she can more easily eat with one hand. My husband who sits next to her and her husband who is on the opposite side of the table instantly offer to help her cut her food so she can finish her meal with one hand. Since my husband is closest he ends up doing it.

So there you have it. Three small trivial situations that would have created tension before but now were pleasant and easy.

Edit: another from this morning. Our 6 year old wants to watch the tablet while eating breakfast, I say I don't think he should, but to go ask dad. He asks, my husband says to ask me, my son says I told him to ask him, my husband says he doesn't think he should do it. My son starts whining and being difficult. A bit defeated hubby asks me (we're in different rooms) "what should I dooo?? How do I deal with this" Normally I would have said "well, if you already told him no you need to stick with that." They would keep arguing, I would join the fight etx.

Instead I said "do whatever you think is best!" He was a bit upset for a second, then gathered himself and said clearly, and calmly to our son that no, he couldn't watch now, he should eat first and then he could go back to the room and watch later. My son stopped whining and had breakfast. This is amazing. This is a huge turning point. My son picked up on the fact that my husband had the authority to decide and he could tell that he had made his mind up and wouldn't be able to whine to get his will as he usually does. I am so curious/excited to se how this develops further.

[–]Zalikazahavah[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

1 more: we took family pictures since we're only here every couple of years. Some with a camera some with my phone. Normally I would ask what to do with a suggestion. F.ex. "should I get a cable and transfer them to yout parents computer?" He would probably have a different idea, I'd get a bit annoyed he didn't like my suggestion, he would be annoyed I asked at all if I already knew etc. So I said "so what do you think I should do with these photoes?" He says "I don't know, just upload them to google drive and share them with me"

So small, so powerful

[–]AllYouNeedIsBeer 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I had to learn this when I was first dating my husband. I was deep in the habit of giving waffling answers like Him: “do you want to go to the park with me?” Me: “I guess if you want me to, I don’t have to go if you’d rather be alone” trying to be a weird sort of agreeing, I don’t know what I was thinking Him: “no....I asked you if you want to go” Me: “whatever you want, it doesn’t matter” Him: understandably frustrated

I’ve learned to answer yes or no questions with “yes” or “no”, to accept assistance or a favor without making it a debate, and to not offer advice or say “why don’t you do [thing]” without being asked.

My relationship went from “mmmm this feels awkward and shakey” to “I am happy my wife communicates clearly and doesn’t play mind games”

[–]Zalikazahavah[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Right? I haven't tried simply replying yes or no yet. A lot of the time he does have a specific idea of what he wants the reply to be, so as long as I don't mind either way I'll try to reflect, but then when I have a really strong reference just try to be clear about what I want.

Glad you managed to start communicating better with your husband!

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


[–]Zalikazahavah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks :) I'm just mad at myself for not having realised all of this sooner. Most of it my husband has tried to explain to me (in other words) before too, I just didn't manage to see it.

[–]SouthernAthenaEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Good for you! I love hearing little success stories like this about how RP concepts can change your life in small but significant ways.

[–]Zalikazahavah[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Curious to see how it develops further :)