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[FIELD REPORT]"I'm so glad we're not like them." (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by SkylarWyte

I just wanted to share a small victory that I can't think of anywhere else appropriate to share.

My husband and I have been together for 12 years (since I was 19!), married for 6. When we met I was at the beginning of my college education with plans to become a lawyer, but my heart wasn't totally in it. I wanted, more than anything, to be a wife and partner, but the current state of American society made me feel like this wasn't enough and I needed to be ashamed of the fact that it didn't make money. I think I've carried this shame with me to some small extent until very recently.

When I met my husband I knew right off the bat that he was brilliant, and could change the world. His job takes him all around the world, consulting where he is needed. This, obviously, is not compatible with being a lawyer, but I knew in my heart of hearts I would much rather be his best friend, support system, creating a home life for him wherever we landed, and serving as his confidant then spend my days doing legal paper work for other people. I knew this immediately, but still, it was important to us both that I have options, so I finished my education, graduated at the top of my class, then decided to marry him. With that came moving to a new state (sometimes a new country) every year or so... It's hard, like really hard, but I couldn't have ever asked for as much joy as I've had in life, and it's still early!

Even with all that, I carried with me this nagging feeling that I wasn't contributing enough and needed to feel bad about not having a "career." Is helper really enough?

Last week we had dinner with one of his best friends in the same profession. He's in a serious relationship with a very nice Biology professor, and they spend 6-8 months a year apart. Still, they are a lovely, if unstable, couple, and as we left dinner with them I felt that old insecurity over my lack of profession rearing...

Until my husband looked over at me and said "I'm glad we're not like them, it never would have worked. I'm so blessed that you chose to be by my side rather than chasing your own interests."

You guys, I melted. It's all worth it. Stay the course. A lot of people have a lot ideas, but that doesn't matter one bit.


[–]TempestTcup 23 points24 points  (1 child)

With you picking up the slack of everyday living, he is able to concentrate fully on work and not have to worry about the basics of life. I imagine that is a huge relief to him and helps him be much more successful in what he does. It gives him a competing edge on the other people in his field. I think that your job as "helper" is every bit as important as his, and he has probably gotten a lot further in his career than he would have if he had to worry about and expend time taking care of himself.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

With you picking up the slack of everyday living, he is able to concentrate fully on work and not have to worry about the basics of life.

Yes! And I enjoy it. So we both get to do mostly what we really want instead of each of us trying to be and do everything.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 40 points41 points  (2 children)

rather than chasing your own interests

I did. You're my interest

😊😊😊

[–]StingrayVC 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Exactly.

[–]littleteafox 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I wish I could give 1000000 upvotes for this.

[–]StingrayVC 9 points10 points  (3 children)

I struggled with this for a long time. All my life I wanted to be a wife and mother. It's what my mom did and it meant the world to me.

I went to college because I was afraid I would marry, be divorced and have nothing to fall back on. I was told this over and over. So it's what I did. Thank goodness too because I got my M.R.S. there. We had kids and we both decided it would be best for me to stay home. I was very excited but still felt like I wasn't contributing enough, even though my husband would remind me how much I was doing.

Fast forward to finding the manosphere. Reading about the red pill finally taught me that I don't need to be out front getting accolades from the world to tell me that I am doing what I need to do to help this family. I didn't need recognition from others, and that's what I was really missing. The world telling me I was doing enough.

I am doing enough. I'm doing a hell of a lot to further this family's goals. My husband sees it and sometimes even my kids see it. Our goals are further along because of what I do, than they would be if I listened to the world. This is what I remember. I don't need to be out front because what I am doing at home, that is not seen, is where I am really needed so we can get to where we want to go.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 5 points6 points  (1 child)

and sometimes even my kids see it

That is very awesome

[–]StingrayVC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's rare, but it's been known to happen a time or two. It is awesome.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

went to college because I was afraid I would marry, be divorced and have nothing to fall back on.

I live with a bit of fear surrounding this, but as I get older I'm starting to think perhaps unnecessarily. Good women do get left sometimes. We are (thank God) not responsible for controlling our men, and they in turn are not perfect. To try to claim every loyal wife has a loyal husband who stands by her would be as silly as trying to say the reverse (which we all KNOW isn't true), and people can change, so I also don't believe if a woman gets abandoned she "picked wrong"...

But here is what I do see: if a truly good woman gets abandoned, there is practically a line for her. She will not be single long. There are men out there, often with kids themselves, who's wives passed away, or turned out to be harpies, or in my community have a midlife crisis and leave the faith and their families to act (and dress) like 18 year old college girls (cringgge)... Of course those men left behind are not Channing Tatem but they are often good men and they want nothing more than another chance at happiness. None of the good women I know who ended up alone have stayed that way for more than 2 years. Not one. So I think that even though the skills we cultivate as wives may not bring in a paycheck they are every bit as real and noticed and valued by those around us as skills that do.

Edit: this is definitely one of those times when what I am saying is probably more applicable to my specific faith community than this one, so apologies if this is out of place.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (4 children)

This is a lovely post! It can be intimidating and scary to give up your job to stay home, I just did it myself not too long ago, but this is absolutely where I want to be. Our family has grown closer and runs more smoothly with someone running things in the background. I feel sorry for most women who do not realize what's rewarding and fulfilling job it is to be "just a wife". It is a privilege to be "just a wife".

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

It is a privilege to be "just a wife".

Exactly. And the people who say that will often talk about needing to feel they have "value" in the world. Like they have more value to whatever company they work in than to their own family? That seems really backwards to me.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It seems backward to me too! What on earth could possibly be more important of a job than raising the next generation?

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Exactly!

[–]ragnarockette4 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I struggle with this. I truly love and enjoy my job though.

[–]valleycupcake 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I also have a law degree and stay at home! Nobody else I know is a SAHW (though I know a few SAHMs) so I feel like I have to justify my existence sometimes. My husband keeps reminding me to cut that out. But I have a clean and well maintained home, cook every meal and snack (hubby has never once had to cook while we've been married!), and have time for friends and volunteer work. It's so worth it when hubby feels good about himself because he's doing well at work, earning many times what he made before marriage, and has time to pursue a hobby or two outside of work because I've got home life covered.

Kudos to you for knowing that your value doesn't come from a job.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Nobody else I know is a SAHW (though I know a few SAHMs) so I feel like I have to justify my existence sometimes. My husband keeps reminding me to cut that out.

Same! Even in other (religion based) marriage groups I'm in lately there is a STRONG pressure to work outside the home. One thing that helped me get past it was realizing that the women who work and put so much ugliness on the ones who don't are just trying to feel superior. And that usually masks a lot of unhappiness and jealousy.

[–]littlek1ttenprincess 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I get a lot of pressure from people who are SAHM because since I don't have children "I don't have an excuse".

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry you deal with that, that's not fair. You do what's best for you and your family and everyone else can go count sheep.

[–]littlek1ttenprincess 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like the phrase "count sheep".

[–]littlek1ttenprincess 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As someone who struggles with the fact that I want to still go to law school and still wants to be a SAHW, I feel like that if I don't follow through and at least work in my field for a while it was a waste of the time and money he's spent supporting me and my decision.

I love being home for him and everything that I do to make sure that his day goes smoothly and he doesn't have to want or worry for anything... but I know eventually we will want all of that effort to be put to use.

[–][deleted]  (13 children)

[removed]

[–]tintedlipbalm 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Please stop commenting over there, it's no use.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Ok I'm sorry I'll stop! It's just like they don't understand what I wrote at all?

I don't understand how they think I was snarky to my friend's girlfriend. I said all sorts of nice things about her!

[–]tintedlipbalm 3 points4 points  (1 child)

They're fundamentally opposed to anything RP, and anything you say will be used against you. You're essentially giving them material. Just ignore the place exists.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see that! They twist everything. It feels like you could maybe explain to them because they are so obviously misunderstanding, but then you try and they twist that too!

I guess it's really bad to ever even imply you would not like to live in another woman's relationship... Except if it's ours, lol! Oh well.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

It's a wasted effort, and against the community rules.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

It's against the community rules for me to defend myself over there?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Posting on BP is against the rules. I didn't ban you and I'm asking you to stop because I know you're only defending yourself. It will do no good, and only add more fuel. You're not the first to be targeted, nor will you be the last. I sympathize, and I know it's frustrating. The best thing you can do is ignore it. If you are getting PM's from users, please let the Mods know so we can report it.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Oh, I see, I'm sorry! I will stop. It's pointless anyway. They are just convinced I said something bad about husband's friend's girlfriend. Apparently calling her "very nice" and them a "lovely couple" and saying I admire her achievements so much I felt insecure in the face of them is.... mean to her?

I feel like they didn't even read it!

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Believe me, I understand. They exist solely to troll and mock.

Focus your energy where it can actually lead to something productive and rewarding.

:0)

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

It's just so weird! They didn't even read the post to see that it was my husband who said he was glad we're not like them, to reassure me! They think I literally quoted myself as a post title, lol!

Ah well. Whatever. It's kind of sad... really.

[–]GoldPisseR 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Clearly you are happy, but according to them you really shouldn't be.

[–]SkylarWyte[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep. It was a little... surprising... because I thought that sub was just a joke but I guess it's just a bunch of mean, closed minded people.

Learn something new every day.

But they are definitely less deserving of my attention than the oatmeal cookies in the oven right now. I LOVE this time of year because you can always make cookies.

[–][deleted]  (10 children)

[removed]

[–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points  (9 children)

If you don't put anyone else first in your life, then no one will put you first either; there's a difference between "me against the world" and "us against the world". A good relationship requires trust.

[–][deleted]  (8 children)

[removed]

    [–]TempestTcup 0 points1 point  (7 children)

    Oh okay, good luck!

    I guess that I don't understand why you are in this sub if you don't agree with our basic tenets. Do you go to other subs just to "give another point of view", LOL?

    [–][deleted]  (6 children)

    [removed]

      [–]StingrayVC 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Empower yourself to your hearts content, but how does writing what you refuse to do for yourself and your own fears help this poster? Not all of us have this fear and we have very different ideas of success. Your's is irrelevant to this sub.

      [–]TempestTcup 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      Have I banned you yet?

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

      [removed]

        [–]TempestTcup 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Bye bye, have a nice life!

        [–]SkylarWyte[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        Haha, I'm glad I missed whatever this was, thanks for cleaning it up! I feel like anywhere someone sees a woman being happy to make her life about family they want to jump in and try to feel superior. As if selling multi-level marketing junk to friends on facebook or being an anonymous number on a payroll to some company is more honorable than raising your kids and taking care of your man. Mind boggling.

        [–]eschateau -1 points0 points  (0 children)

        As if selling multi-level marketing junk to friends on facebook or being an anonymous number on a payroll to some company is more honorable than raising your kids and taking care of your man.

        Are these the only two options?