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INSIGHTFULYour man may just be laid back, not passive. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

For those of you ladies who are new to RPW or just read The Surrendered Wife, I wanted to share something I have come to understand about my captain and men like him. He is laid back and not overly controlling. This used to frustrate me because how was I supposed to be submissive if he wasn't giving me specific orders and desires to submit to? Why couldn't he just tell me what he wanted for dinner so I could submissively cook it for him? Why wouldn't he decide what we should do on a Friday night so I could submissively go along with it? Ohh, how frustrated I was getting.

Then I realized that there is a difference between being laid back and passive, and a difference between being controlling and in charge. The problem is never that my man is willing to eat whatever I feel inspired to cook without his input, or that he is happy to delight me by considering whatever would make me happy on a Friday night. There certainly would be a problem that comes from ME if he did express a preference and I did not defer to it. But absent of that, there is no problem in our relationship dynamic unless I create one, which is entirely possible if you consider how emasculating and demoralizing it is when a man gets criticized by his woman for not being more decisive. Getting frustrated with your man for being laid back (and therefore "not manly enough") is going to undermine the very thing you're after, and it's very disrespectful to him anyway.

Instead of getting frustrated when he is willing to go along with whatever you decide, THANK HIM. Thank him for allowing you to do whatever makes your little heart happy. Seeing his indifference towards decisions like these in a frustrating light just means YOU ARE PERPETUATING THE POWER STRUGGLE, and a sign that you have so much more letting go to do. This work is on you, not him.

In other words, don't try to subtly (or not so subtly) dominate him into being more dominant. Your job is not to teach him how to be a better man. Make yourself a better woman and leave him alone. Accept that you have an awesomely laid back man and be sure to defer to him when he does have an idea, plan, or preference.


[–]TempestTcup 20 points21 points  (0 children)

My husband is super chill and easygoing. He's fine with whatever and makes very few demands on me (only two that I can think of: he likes me to text when I get to work so he doesn't worry, and he doesn't want me to park in parking garages because he thinks they are dangerous).

My way of deferring to him is to try to not control him and to not butt in on any projects he is working on. I used to think that I had to make decisions because he wasn't very vocal about what he wanted, but since I backed off he gets a lot more done and quietly makes the decisions on his own.

I didn't realize before that he had a vision of what he wanted and when, but since then I've come to understand that I was forcing my decisions on him. He wanted to make me happy, so he went along with what I wanted. Now we do our own things, and we are both a lot happier for it.

[–]my_knitter 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Taking my boyfriend's laid-back attitude is something I've been working on, myself. He's not passive or indecisive, he just doesn't see things as big issues like I'm prone to doing.

The other day I asked him what he wanted for dinner, and he gave a non-committal response. I gave him an option of two different things, and he made a choice no problem. I think I might employ this more often, because it still allows him to lead, but I can guide his decision in a way that he'd like me to.

[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor 15 points16 points  (1 child)

This is often a source of confusion for newcomers. Being in charge doesn't mean "making demands all the time", it just means "having the final say". Often being a leader means letting your follower do what she wants, as long as he has no objections. This is a way he can show kindness to you. But, the thing is he is "letting" you do what you want. He still reserves the right to say "no" if he needs to. The ability to say "no" is the difference between a laid back leader, and a beta who resents you for the fact you always get what you want.

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Being in charge doesn't mean "making demands all the time", it just means "having the final say"

Good Point! This one should be stressed to the newbies. Which I still am one haha.

[–]SoonToBeMrsHim 7 points8 points  (3 children)

This is actually a current struggle for me. Some men are just not openly dominate in bed, nor do they initiate on a regular basis. Some men have no interest in being that Red Pill Sex God kind of attitude. I thought 'Hey the more I surrender the more he'll step up his bed room game'. Nope, nope, nope. I was trying to change so he would change. He wont change, he'll never change (unless he wants to make a change) but the truth is he's quite happy in our relationship, this whole this is a personal problem.

Great post /u/Namshubophile, very timely with some things I'm working through right now.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]SoonToBeMrsHim 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I found TRP a little over a year ago, and I tried to go really hard at it -- really change me. I had a lot of good intentions with a lot of bad ideas. He called me out at one point for just kind of being odd, and different, and weird. I think we both chalked it up to engagement jitters/wedding planning. We were married in May and I think I'm on another "try to be perfect" kick which really makes life stressful because again - good intentions with poor ideas. I need to take a chill pill to tell you the truth, I married a really awesome guy he likes me quite a bit (he tells me so!). I just put a lot of pressure on myself.

    [–]Eucalyptus-mint 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    I had/have the same issues with my boyfriend. Finding RPW made me frustrated because I wanted to submit but he wasn't giving me anything to submit to!

    I recently had a positive situation with him recently and this post is helping me frame it correctly. He is definitely laid back, like /u/Namshubophile described. But he does step up and take charge on things that matter and things he has strong preferences for. I recently bought my first car in his country, but I left the decision making process entirely up to him. He stepped up to the plate and was the most "captain-y" I have noticed him being since I swallowed the pill. So many feeling-tingles and a wonderful and reliable car that he chose :-).

    [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    THIS IS MY HUSBAND!!!!!! And also a lesson I had to learn for myself. There is absolutely a difference and I actually think a captain that is laid back is preferable because I don't have to dea with his ego on a daily basis.

    [–]ellmeno 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    hmm.. this is something I'm dealing with! I'm seeing this guy, and he says that he's a rather passive guy... he initiates dates, but wil defer to me to invite him along somethings ( like ask "oh what are you upto tonight?..." instead of telling me he wants my time). I was getting frustrated with it, but it makes sense to just go with what he wants ( feminine) rather than be controlling and demand he be more aggressive.

    Moral I get is: aggressive isn't always dominant. Silent alphas are still alphas too. Thank you for the perspective!

    [–]CamusSeesSumac 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    What a cool way to reframe!

    I think I do this too, and it's really just another way to continue the same-old "I must change him to feel happy with myself."

    But it's silly! He loves me and wants to let me be myself and be happy.... why should that upset me?

    [–]hand-on-my-throat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Great post. I feel like an idiot for not considering it this way!

    [–]DarkuSchneider 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Thanks for that. One thing to consider is for men freedom and trust are extremely precious commodities which is why strong reactions may follow when said things are squandered or violated in his mind. His upbringing and occupation will also influence his active assertiveness at home. Men and women are also prone to misinterpret each other because they assume the other sees and experiences life exactly the same way they do. Often deeply ingrained in his mind is a belief he has to make a woman happy to be happy himself but does not always know how. He gives freedom and trust thinking because it so valuable to him it will be to her. Laid back is great as long as its not apathetic negligence IMHO.

    A man may not always seemingly care what's for dinner because he has given his partner the freedom to do what they think is appropriate. He trusts their judgement and skills will not let him starve. If he has a strong preference or concern he will express it directly or indirectly depending on his character. When a man gives up his freedom of choice remember it may be a precious gift. Sometimes a man does not seemingly care where he goes or what he does Friday night as long as it's engaging and he has his mate happily at his side.

    [–]blackwaterhattie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    this is such a great read.

    [–]LadyOneEarth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is 100% true. At first, I thought my SO was passive (HE IS NOTTTTT -). He really is laid back, relaxed and in charge.

    He has everything figured out even when I think he doesn't.

    Which I don't think anymore, btw. That's old thoughts lol.

    Our dynamic is not pure Captain/First Mate although I'm learning to submit and defer to him most of the time. I'm happy the way things are and I feel he is too, now more than ever.

    [–]NorrisChuck 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I love you, saved this post.