I was in a casual relationship with someone who was intending on spinning plates, and I was afraid to get into a relationship so soon after having a marriage go sour, but our words weren’t matching our actions and I’d grown confused after I found myself asking him “what are we?” with bad results. He said he didn’t want to label anything because things were good, to which I agreed, and complied with keeping things “as is” for the time being.
A few weeks later I felt the urge to ask him again but I felt like we had something nice and I didn’t want to chance ruining things so I instead turned to RP, who pointed me over to RPW, who then told me I needed to figure out what I wanted. After finally admitting to myself that maybe I did want a relationship and commitment, I made this post.
After receiving all sorts of great feedback, I realized the following:
- I was naturally doing many things in a RPW manner
- Although we didn’t have “official” commitment, there was a clear mutual understanding that what we had was monogamous and neither of us actually had any of the prior intentions that we’d spoken of originally
- My case seemed very promising for traveling from plate to LTR, and maybe I already had, but I just didn’t have verbal confirmation
This was great but it meant a lot of work and I needed to keep up the investment I’d already made and keep my hamster at bay the entire time, which wasn’t an easy task.
From that post on I followed several RPW members’ advice(thanks! You know who you are!!!) and I have the following list:
- I gave to him generously. Not gifts, per se, but I gave my time, company, affection, intimacy, effort, complements, respect, and appreciation to him, without expecting anything back, ever. I won’t lie, I initially hoped my efforts would be rewarded but eventually that desire faded off because truly, seeing him happy made me happier than anything in the world.
- I learned to express my feelings in a communication style that works for him, and doesn’t make him feel pressured into anything he’s not sure about yet. Saying “I want to be yours and nobody else’s” or “I want to be your only one” is a scary declaration. It’s so much easier to ask “What are we?” because it’s indirect communication and it puts the pressure into his hands and off of you, but really, it accomplishes nothing except for opening a window for him to be evasive. I learned to be vulnerable to him and express my feelings through actions and by expressing in words that yes, I really like him, and yes, this is also new and scary for me. By making my feelings and intentions clear without throwing the ball into his court, I found the answers to the questions I had through his own actions and declarations, which he gave me out of his own accord rather than being coaxed into it with questions.
- I learned to sit on things he said to me that were shocking or threw me off instead of reacting or letting myself think there was something more than what he was actually saying to me. At times he’d say or do things that caught me like a deer in headlights and all I wanted was to dig into whatever he just said and get down to the bottom of it. Instead of asking about it, I just STFU. This was hard. I always find myself looking for a deeper meaning in everything and learning to take things at face value and just accept them for what they are involves a lot of trust.
- The hardest thing was for me to trust. I needed to trust him, emotionally, mentally, physically, and in an all-encompassing way that I’d never done with anyone before. I had to trust the process. I had to trust that a little uncertainty would reward me with a mountain of certainty. Most importantly, I had to trust myself. I had to trust that I was worthy, I had to trust that I could do this, and I had to trust my instincts. I had moments where I felt like I was going to break. I know now that an occasional comfort test is OK for helping me get through these moments, and if he’s truly a captain, he’s going to respond accordingly.
Some results and findings:
- I was showered with acknowledgment and praise. He never lets anything I do go unnoticed. It’s magical
- I ended up breaking just about every single rule I set up with my ex-husband, with him, and I enjoyed every moment of it
- I found that being a soft spot for him to land after a long day at work is more soothing to me than him trying to do the same for me
- My trust, respect, and admiration for him was reciprocated to me with acknowledgment, sanctuary, and desire to be with me.
Recently, he asked me to be his girlfriend, officially, and officially monogamous as well.
I know it’s not the RPW way, but I’ve successfully gone from plate to LTR with this man and everything is so surreal and more than I ever thought could ever happen. I know this is just the beginning and there’s a journey ahead but I honestly cannot wait to see what the future is like!