THEORYFor Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Part II: Nun Mode, Realism vs. Settling, Vetting Mistakes (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by RubyWooToo3 Stars

This post a follow-up to For Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Part I. As previously stated, it is intended to offer hope and guidance for any lady who wants to implement the RPW philosophy in her life but feels she may have arrived too late. This is the second of a series of posts, and will be most applicable to ladies ages 25 and up. Future posts will be dedicated to women who are married or in LTRs.

First, I must sing the praises of “Nun Mode,” which is a period of time (minimum 6 months) dedicated to self-improvement during which a woman completely foregoes dating. As with TRP’s “Monk Mode,” the purpose is to obtain self-awareness and self-sufficiency. If you’re pushing up against The Wall, you might think that you can’t afford the time spent in Nun Mode. I say that you can’t afford not to go into Nun Mode. In particular, there are two problems that Nun Mode can help overcome:

  • If you have a history of serial monogamy (or what TRP would call “monkey-branching”), each man you choose may simply be a reaction to his predecessor. For example, if your last boyfriend was an unemployed party boy, a guy who is a teetotaler workaholic might at first be attractive and refreshing, until you get frustrated with the fact that on the rare occasions he takes you out on a date, he glares at you for ordering a glass of wine.
  • After a constant stream of heartbreak and disappointment, dating will start to feel like a desperate and tedious chore, akin to going on job interviews when your rent is already a month past due. You start to wonder “where have all the good men gone” when the reality is that you wouldn’t know them if you saw them.

The space, self-care, and learning experiences provided by Nun Mode are essential to fixing a broken “people picker.” You will be able to consciously choose a partner based on his individual merits, love him for who he is (not the gap you’re trying to fill), and spare him the trouble of repenting for another man’s sins. Moreover, time spent out of the dating market can help recapture the sense of joy and excitement that you used feel as a young girl at the prospect of meeting new people and falling in love.

Second, one area that seems to be troublesome for RPWs (and those late to RPW in particular) is understanding the difference between being realistic about the type of man with whom you can be in a relationship and “settling” for a subpar mate.

Being realistic is about being able to clearly and objectively assess both value and liabilities you bring to a relationship, and being able to manage your expectations accordingly. For example, if you’re 37 years old, you shouldn’t severely limit your dating pool by disqualifying men who have been married before or have children. If you like cookies more than the gym (and your waistline reflects this), you shouldn’t hold your breath waiting for shirtless Adonis who jogs by you every morning to ask you out and instead consider a coffee date from the cute but paunchy dude who chats you up in line at the bakery.

Settling, on the other hand, is done completely from a place of fear and is often based on low self-esteem rather than an objective assessment of your value or circumstances; it almost always just another exercise in poor judgment. One example of settling would be staying with a guy who habitually cheats on you because you’re a single mother and you’re simply grateful to have a man who is willing to be with you, despite the fact that you’re modeling an unhealthy relationship to your children, and you can’t effectively parent while in a constant state of anger and anxiety. Another example of settling is dating a man with a string of baby mamas because you feel like your biological clock is ticking and you’re desperate to have a child, regardless of whether he is an optimal choice of co-parent.

I will even go so far as to say that even if you’re a spectacular train wreck by any reasonable measure— for example, you’re a unemployed crack addict with four kids by four different men, are host to a variety of STDs, and have an unmanaged personality disorder to boot—then you still shouldn’t settle for any guy who would settle for you. If you’re that far gone, do yourself and humanity a favor by being alone and focusing on becoming a safe and productive member of society.

The distinction between realism and settling tends to get the muddiest when dealing with one particular area of a relationship: sex. What do you do when you find a guy who is “good on paper” (i.e. great job, kind, loved by your friends and family, conventionally handsome), but for whom you feel no passion?

You might see it as a sign of maturity that you’re prioritizing other qualities (like hard-working, family-oriented, gets along with all your friends) over sexual attraction, but you’re actually being selfish and demeaning when you settle for a man that you don’t desire. To reiterate a statement from my first post, the most challenging thing about becoming an RPW is changing your focus from what you can get out of men to what you can offer them. Do you really think that a man you don’t lust for or with whom you don’t enjoy sex is going to get the best you have to offer in a relationship?

Now, I’m not saying that you should follow the tingles in your vagina and nothing else. In fact, if your tingles have consistently led you toward douchebags, you need to sort that out while in Nun Mode. Instant, fiery attraction often burns out the quickest, which is why it’s worth taking some time with someone new and promising to see if an enduring passion might ignite.

But it’s safe to say that if you’ve been on several dates with a guy and his kiss doesn’t excite you or you’re not actively fighting the urge to eat the buttons off his shirt, do him and yourself a favor and move on. While it’s possible to reinvigorate passion that’s been lost in a relationship, you can’t bring back what was never there.

For further reading on this point, I must recommend "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb. Yes, the title mentions the word "settling," but what she's actually describing is how to set realistic expectations for what to expect in a mate, and not demanding that your spouse fulfill your every mental and emotional desire. Like, so what if your husband doesn't share your passion for crocheting. Don't you have friends for that?

Lastly, I will address two common mistakes that women make when they’re vetting. There are hundreds of possible mistakes, of course, but these seem to be the most common to “older” women:

  • They put things in their dating profiles like “I don’t want a liar or a cheater,” “I don’t play games,” “Players need not apply,” “Abusers not wanted,” or “I’m just looking for a good man.” Even if they’re not online, they will say this stuff to a guy on a first date.

They think that by saying this, they’re scaring away the bad men. The effect is actually the opposite… they’re advertising the fact that they’re damaged women with consistently bad judgment, which will attract precisely the type of men they’re hoping to repel. They spill blood in the water and then are bewildered when they’re attacked by sharks.

At the same time, decent men will read/hear statements such as the above, and (rightfully) conclude that the woman is bitter and has a ton of baggage with which they would rather not deal. Why date her when he can find a woman with a positive outlook who won’t immediately think the worst of him? Alternately, he might think that she is the one who is actually a drama queen, cheater, or abuser, and is projecting her own flaws on to the men she dates.

  • Other women develop an increasingly long and arbitrary list of disqualifying factors that are completely unrelated to the fundamental of compatibility, such as shared values and a shared vision for the future. These are things like, “I can’t date a guy who makes less than six figures,” or “I can’t stand how he sings in the shower!”

In my personal opinion, women who do this are actually deeply insecure with themselves or have suffered from repeated rejection, so they invent flaws with every guy they meet and try to convince themselves (and others) that they are just “too picky.” It’s also a tactic to avoid any kind of painful but necessary circumspection.

Of course, more often than not, all these “requirements” for a mate go out the window the minute they are lovestruck by Chad. Months later, when they’re back online, they write “I don’t want a liar or a cheater!” in their dating profile.

So how can you recognize a good man when you see him? The first thing to keep in mind is that people who are scumbags aren’t just scumbags in one area of their life; their duplicity and/or propensity for cruelty shows up in areas completely unrelated to romantic relationships. Here are some things to consider, though this list is by no means exhaustive:

  • Does he follow through on his promises and obligations to others?
  • Does he have integrity in his business and financial dealings? Or does he use illegal, unethical, or deceptive tactics to advance himself?
  • Have you ever caught him lying?
  • Does he talk down to people he regards as beneath him, such as employees or waitstaff? Or is he courteous to everyone regardless of their station?
  • Does he omit things to avoid arguments? Or is he honest with you even when he knows you might get upset?
  • Is he constantly overcompensating in order to impress people? Or does he seem comfortable in his own skin?
  • Does he rush to the aid of a stranger or acquaintance in need at the expense of people close to him? Alternately, does he seem completely selfless and generous with people he doesn’t know well, but less so with people close to him? Or does he reserve his time and resources for those closest to him?
  • Does he give off a “single vibe” with other women, or is he good at asserting boundaries?
  • Does he “love bomb” you or push to take the relationship to a serious level too early in the relationship? Or does he behave as if his commitment has value, and wants to get to know you well?
  • Do his friends cheat on or otherwise mistreat their partners? Or does he surround himself with men who are in strong relationships and cherish their lady loves?
  • Does he harp on the fact that all his exes were "crazy" or betrayed him? Or is he restrained in how he talks about his exes on the very rare occasions he mentions them at all?

The takeaway here is that men of good character demonstrate this to everyone, not just the women they’re trying to date. They don’t engage in virtue-signaling; being kind and respectful is just a natural part of their character, so they never even think to advertise it. Just as “I don’t want an abuser!” is a red flag to men, “I’m a nice guy” and “I want to treat a woman right” should be a red flag to women.

Many thanks to /u/LaceandSilks for making sure that the RP theory was on point before I posted, and for /u/girlwithabike for her feedback and getting my butt in gear to finish writing this.

Next: For Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Part III: Finding Your Man, Showing Your Value, Vetting Your Friends. This is the last installment for single ladies before I move on to married/LTR women.

[–]fauxintellectualism 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Just went through a breakup with my first serious and LT boyfriend, and your advice is exactly what I needed to read. I was going back and forth of do I immediately start dating again, or do I give myself time to learn and grow, and after some praying and quiet time, I read your advice and now I know that taking some time off for a while is the best. It can be so easy to want to slip back into the arms of someone else after getting out a relationship, but I really needed to read this. My ex is a great guy, and we are still on speaking terms, and I do think we were incompatible, but I slipped into that idea of thinking I needed someone else immediately because I'm 26. Thanks for this post. I'll definitely be referring back to it when I'm home alone and thinking I need companionship.

[–]TheBunk_TB 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Interesting post. Sidebar worthy?

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–]bitchpotatobunny 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Good post with quality insight and solid advice.

They put things in their dating profiles like “I don’t want a liar or a cheater,” “I don’t play games,” “Players need not apply,” “Abusers not wanted,” or “I’m just looking for a good man.” .....

This honestly should be emphasized more as a huge mistake. Anyone, male or female, putting stuff like this on their dating profile is instantly disqualifying themselves from meeting anyone worth dating. In my personal opinion, this is THE number one "nope" inducer. Mentioning being an Eagles or Cowboys fan is a very close second, though that one might be considered significantly less of a general rule.

[–]M23W0OH7FV2t 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My cousin, who is a big soccer fan, mentioned to his (now) wife that he didn't like Madrid Real fans. While she didn't know who Madrid Real were, he took her to an el Clasico in Spain, she came away agreeing with him.

[–]LadySwitters 10 points11 points  (2 children)

"the urge to eat the buttons off his shirt" my new favorite quote!

I looked at your list and compared my husband. He does lie, but only about my cooking. He did love bomb me... but then he married me, and now it's pretty awesome. So I guess OKAY!

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It sounds like your husband was probably just overt with his enthusiasm to have finally found you, and wasn't actually engaging in love bombing as a manipulative tactic. :-)

I'm glad you liked my quote... when my husband read that part of the post he was like, "WTF? Do women think this way?" Glad it's not just me.

[–]LadySwitters 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If he's manipulating me it's one long con... but it definitely set off some warning bells in my head at the time, although clearly I'm glad I went with it.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I could probably write a whole other post about how to recognize a good captain versus a bad captain. But if I had to put it in a nutshell, it would be this:

Do you follow his lead because he inspires you, has earned your trust, and has the vision, judgment, and skills necessary to steer your ship in the right direction?

Or do you follow him because you are easily manipulated or frightened by him?

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 6 points7 points  (1 child)

each man you choose may simply be a reaction to his predecessor

So first off... as I read this part I went "well...f*ck". This is what my Sis did. She was with a guy who was generally no good (but quite charming, Mom looooved him). When they split she ended up with his complete opposite. Everyone was really confused about what she saw in him. Reading this was a sort of light bulb moment.

Other women develop an increasingly long and arbitrary list of disqualifying factors that are completely unrelated to the fundamental of compatibility, such as shared values and a shared vision for the future. These are things like, “I can’t date a guy who makes less than six figures,”

There is a fine line between what you want & are attracted to and those arbitrary disqualifiers. If you ever want to peak into the brain of the (average?) woman today - make a Tinder profile as a man. Just being able to flip through and see what other women are looking for and how they are presenting themselves is an enlightening experience.

For example: I think it's pretty common to want a tall guy. My personal preference was always "taller than me, preferably in heels" which at 5'4 I don't think is too unreasonable.

What I think is silly, and off putting to men (or so I'm told) is when a woman say they will only date a man who is over 6 ft. I have to wonder if those women could even mark where 6 feet up a wall is or if they have just picked something that they think is an arbitrary mark of status. (Obvious exception to this being ladies who are already 5'10 and up).

If a woman is guilty of this sort of thing, I think the best course of action is to take a look at what the criteria are and ask themselves what is the reason behind it. Do you really need a man who is taller than 6' or just taller than you? Do you need a guy making 6 figures or do you want a man with a solid career trajectory?

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do you really need a man who is taller than 6' or just taller than you? Do you need a guy making 6 figures or do you want a man with a solid career trajectory?

That's what I was trying to get at, but that's a much better explanation.

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Not sure why by the link to the first post isn't working. Here is the link to part 1 of this series.

Edit: The user you are trying to link to (I believe) is /u/girlwithabike. :)

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Thanks. That would be really confusing to the other user. Oops!

[–]LaceandsilksModerator | Lace 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not a problem! :)

[–]Hartley7 5 points6 points  (0 children)

One of my dear friends ignored red flags because of social pressure to marry and have children. Her husband turned out to be an emotionally abusive cheater and they are in the midst of a very messy divorce. She is already in another relationship.

I wish I could share this with her but I don't want to hurt her feelings. I think my friend needs to be alone for at least a year and heal.

When I was single, I went through a phase of being a radical feminist because of my upbringing as well as being hurt by men I loved. Reading this post made me realize why I kept attracting and staying with unsuitable men-I put out angry and negative vibes. I also hadn't worked on my self esteem issues.

[–]alicemic29 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Thank you so much! This made my day. I was sitting around feeling bummed about single and wallowing but now...Ready to go into “nun mode”. I always thought being single with a negative connotation at my age... but I will try to put it in a positive way and stop looking and just start building my interests and having a fuller life. Thank you and I’m excited to read the next installment.

[–]vintagegirlgame 6 points7 points  (1 child)

"Temporarily single by choice" is a much more positive stance. Try it out and you'll start to realize that all of life is actually "by choice."

[–]alicemic29 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Temporarily Single by choice :) !! I love that!!

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm glad you enjoyed this and found it helpful!

[–]Hechetonchieres 1 point2 points  (6 children)

Is there a post about sexual compatibility here? How do you determine sexual compatibility without causing some harm to your N-count?

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 4 points5 points  (5 children)

The rule for RPW is not to have sex unless you're in an exclusive, committed relationship with someone. If you're following that rule, it's unlikely that will you be accumulating such a high number of partners that your n-count will be problematic in your relationships.

As I said in my first post, after 25 years old, the less likely men will ask you how many partners you've had. It's your approach to sex and relationships that will be scrutinized.

[–]Hechetonchieres 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Okay but what if you have sex with the guy and it turns out you both have different styles and enjoy vastly different things, and you can't reconcile at all? there are subs like r/deadbedrooms where one assumes a lot of the lack of sex comes with mismatched libidos and desires. People there seem to be really resentful at times just because of the sexual difficulty in their relationships.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

If you can't reconcile your sexual preferences then you break up, and that's fine.

But more often than not, sex is not the primary cause of a relationship ending. If you're deeply attracted to someone, getting to know them well, and already have an emotional connection at the point where you commit and start sleeping together, more often than not, you'll be able to work together to find synergy on your sexual preferences.

If sexual compatibility is repeatedly the cause of all or most of your relationships ending, then you need to examine why that is. Are you bad at communicating? Are you bad at vetting?

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 5 points6 points  (1 child)

If i've learned anything from r-relationships and r-sex it's that people complain about sexual incompatibility a lot more frequently than they actually break up from it. I just dont' know. How common is it to have sex with a guy you are interested in (for a relationship) and after the first time you sleep with him, you decide "nope, sex just doesn't work"?

I'm not trying to suggest that sexual compatibility isn't important. But the idea that you'd save time by sleeping with a guy right away doesn't fit with what I see happening in the world....especially if the idea is to get off the CC.

[–]CcyCV 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi! I’m late to the party but I want to chime in. For context, I’m engaged to my high school sweetheart after 15 years of committed relationship, and he’s the only sexual partner I’ve had. That said, the sexual aspect of our relationship has not always been easy. When it started (about one year after the start of the relationship), he was an overeager boy who finished a little too soon, and most of the enjoyment I got from the experiences was during foreplay. For the first 6 or so years, I never had an orgasm, but I was too ashamed to say anything. It took a big fight for me to open up, and it was hard at first, but we’ve worked on it and right now it’s really awesome. Maybe my experience isn’t as useful because I haven’t had a ride in the CC, but I think the fear of sexual incompatibility is one of feminism’s most useful weapons, because it allows women’s hypergamy to talk us into wanting “more”. Even though I haven’t experienced one, I compare the difference between a one night stand and sex in a relationship with the difference between a flower you cut and one you grow (corny, I know). The flower you cut is there already, you don’t have to work for it, you don’t know what went into growing it, and you may like it or not, but it’s there. The flower you grow you have to work for it, you can find ways to make it better, and if a particular blossom is wilted or doesn’t grow as well, you can keep trying to have better ones in the future. Of course take this with a grain of salt, but I think vetting for other things will help resolve the sexual compatibility issue without vetting specifically for it. If you find a good man you’re not repelled against, you can make the sex work.

[–]vintagegirlgame 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A lot of r/deadbedrooms is sexual incompatibility that developed as the relationship developed and doesn't have much to do with the early parts of the relationship. Often the sex was good enough and then disappeared due to blue pill habits, emasculation or weight gain. RPW teaches women how to keep the sex alive and thriving after the challenges of marriage and children, tools and awareness which blue pilled women do not have.

[–]Hyhyhuh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This should definitely be in the sidebar.

İt made me cry happy tears.