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SELF IMPROVEMENTWhat happened to women? Lessons from my mother. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by kittxxn2 Star

My heart is warmed often by tales of RPW learning femininity from generations before us, from mothers, grandmothers, and the millions of women still living to tell the tale of those many years before the modern women was corrupted with feminism, arrogance, and pursuit of independence from men. While I have learned so much from so many women, including both of my grandmothers, I unfortunately don’t have a mother whose shoes I wish to fill.

My parents are both engineers, having worked for the same national laboratory for the entire breadth of their careers. My father once mentioned to me that he sees so many bright young women with big eyes and bigger dreams entering their careers, only to become bitter, competitive, and resentful twenty years down the line (if not sooner). Unfortunately, my mother was one of those women.

I have distinct memories of her warmth and grace from when I was a young girl, her soft touch, and bright smile. That woman now exists only in my memories and in pictures from years ago. As time went on, something inside of her changed. She became cold. Unresponsive to my sister and I. Rude and demanding to my father. Her smile faded, and a persistent scowl took its place. It got to the point where my father fell out of love with her, and left her for another woman. While I hated my father at the time for leaving, I can’t help but understand and feel compassion for him, and a part of me is thankful for it because otherwise, I would have had a complete misunderstanding about what marriage, love, and wives should be.

My mother, like many women out there, is now in her late fifties, in her third marriage, this time to a dreadful man with a nasty temper and little consideration for anyone but himself. She even told me a few months before the wedding that at her age, you sort of have to take whatever you can get if you don’t want to be alone.

I often admit to my own man that my biggest fear in life is becoming her.

While I’m pursuing my own career, in nursing (a profession my mother considers “pink collar”) I hope to continually prioritize my future husband, children, and role at home. Will that be enough?

It worries me to see what has happened to her, especially since she used to be so full of light. I recently found a picture of my parents together before my sister and I were born. She’s looking up at him, with so much admiration and love. I sent it to my dad, and he told me later that he had cried for the first time in a very long time, remembering who she used to be.

Thank you, RPW, for providing such a positive feminine community. I hope to continue actively pursuing these strengths within myself, and every day I wear my grandmother’s necklace around my neck to remind myself of the many other amazing women I’ve come from. I’m not my mother, and I hope to learn from her mistakes instead of following her path.


[–]darla10 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Women who look up to men like your mom in that picture do not look forward to losing that admiration. Women dream about keeping those stars in their eyes (for their husbands) forever. So when the admiration is lost, one has to ask, who's fault was it? You make it seem like it's all your mom's fault. Surely it's more nuanced.

[–]an0nymus3 19 points20 points  (0 children)

We all have our strengths & our faults, but having self-awareness is a big step. We don’t know what went on between your parents (did he try to help her avoid that path, or did she go by herself & he let her?), but we know for the most part what we can do to avoid those things from happening to us. Best of luck to you! <3

[–]CleburnCO 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Boomers happened.

The pill happened...which lead to the sexual revolution...which ended the concept of monogamy and killed traditional marriage. Abortion on demand finished it off. Sex became currency and a weapon. Kids became a burden which meant people didn't have them, so they stopped caring about the future as they had no investment in it. The entrance of women into the job market promised freedom to have money and sex...but in reality the hidden truth was that it doubled the # of workers which drove wages down massively, forcing women to work whether they wanted to or not, just to make ends meet.

The wholesome healthy nuclear family was replaced with a string of failed relationships and a life spent working at jobs you hate to fund kids you don't see and material goods that you hope will fill the gaping hole in your life where a family was supposed to be.

Now, we all get to live in the ashes of the society created by those wonderful boomer ideas.

Makes you wonder if maybe that whole nuclear family concept...a man and a woman, devoted to one another, focused on the home and family, with an eye to educating and raising kids for the future...maybe there was something to that.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Because you are so aware of the drastic change you witnessed in her, I believe you will be less likely to follow in her footsteps.

Only if her awareness is constant. Children often become their parents even when they don't like whatever character trait their parents had. A continued conscious effort is needed to change things.

[–]kittxxn2 Star[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree. It’s why I made the post, it’s why I talk to my SO about it, and I think it’s generally why I’m so obsessed with relationship and marriage theory. I hope I can continue this effort for the next 30, 40, 50 years. RPW has been such a valuable community for this reason. I think that conscious effort is required for most young women these days, with so many environmental influences pushing them in the opposite direction.

[–]Ceritamar 26 points27 points  (3 children)

I will say just as a caution.. We can't know fully what happened but nothing can kill your light like cheating and having the beautiful image of a person that you had be shattered. I have seen many women turn bitter and resentful and cold when they feel as if a partner shattered their dreams. When your captain and your head breaks that dream it can warp someone. They then begin to think that all they have is their career and that is an empty thing to have. I don't want to project and if I am reading the situation wrong forgive me but I have seen beautiful, kind, caring women turn incredibly bitter and angry in the face of betrayal.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I will say just as a caution.. We can't know fully what happened but nothing can kill your light like cheating and having the beautiful image of a person that you had be shattered. I have seen many women turn bitter and resentful and cold when they feel as if a partner shattered their dreams. When your captain and your head breaks that dream it can warp someone. They then begin to think that all they have is their career and that is an empty thing to have. I don't want to project and if I am reading the situation wrong forgive me but I have seen beautiful, kind, caring women turn incredibly bitter and angry in the face of betrayal.

Cheating is always a betrayal and always heartbreaking, but it's hardly ever black and white.

With the exception of those who cheat out of boredom - the breakdown of the marriage that results in cheating, is hardly ever 100% the fault of one and 0% the fault of the other.

Cheating is a heartbreaking betrayal, but so often, the betrayals began well before the actual infidelity.

[–]kittxxn2 Star[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is so true, and difficult for people to acknowledge. Many people do horrible things to their spouses, but it often comes after a pattern of negligence, complacency, or resentment from their wife or husband.

[–]kittxxn2 Star[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I have seen similar things, and it is so heartbreaking. However, in my parents situation, my mom changing had much more to do with her career than my father, many years before he left. He was faithful and devoted to her for a very long time through all of it, and moved out because he no longer recognized the woman he married. She became obsessed with her work, corrupted by money and appearances, and was never present or attentive to him or the home. My father wasn’t a perfect husband either, but he tried for years.

[–]andheaven 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Possibly why my mother is the most beautiful, upbeat and energetic woman I know over 50; she was able to quit working when she had her first kid late 20s and literally never had to work again. This is pretty much a dream because my father is so successful. But wow, do I hope I maintain energy and beauty like her.

[–]Kykio_kitten 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It sounds wonderful how aware you are of the pitfalls your mother had in life. I hope you never do actually turn out like her. Although i warn you burn out for nurses can hit hard especially working in the ER. Be wary of that it'll turn you into a very cold bitter person.

[–]thatbadlarry 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Sooo what do we take from this in order to improve? Not work?? I can’t not work, there is no way we can make it on one income (trust me, I’m incredibly frugal and I know how to pinch a penny). Honestly I don’t get this post. What is the lesson here and how is it applicable?

[–]kittxxn2 Star[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry you don't see any usefulness in my experience. I also will be working, which I mentioned, but will still try to prioritize the home and family whenever possible. I don't know what the lesson is. I'm simply sharing what happened to my family, and thanking the community for helping me avoid taking her same path.

[–]thatbadlarry 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No I still think your experience and insight is valuable - I just don’t know how to apply it to my own life. Maybe I’ll think of it as a “caution sign” rather than a lesson per se.

I do think you’re selling your mom a little short though. I mean, the woman was/is an engineer. I definitely respect her obvious intelligence and capability cause I could never do that. Also, you never know the nuances of a relationship. I feel a little embittered myself cause I’m trapped in a marriage with a cheater I’ve lost respect for. But before that I had stars in my eyes for him too. I would hate for my daughter to see me as a bitter shrew because what has gone down in our marriage. I’m not throwing away your experience. On the contrary it’s given me a ton of food for thought. I just really like nice neat actionable lessons and I’m not sure how to apply this.

[–]spiced_tomato 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this.

I’ve grown up in similar circumstances and have always found it so hard to put into words. But this says it perfect. Thank you.

[–]rachinq 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. Congrats on pursing nursing. I’ve been a nurse for 10 years and can honestly say the profession is not much different from other professions. There is a lot of corporate culture, competitiveness, physical work, management demands and much more. I now work from home for an insurance company and many people can’t understand why i prefer this pseudo stay at home role. It’s awesome that you can see your mother’s mistakes and try to avoid them your self. I struggle my self with being a working woman and one thing I remind my self is to be results oriented at work but at home and in my relationship be more experience oriented and present. It really helps to flip the switch.