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[FIELD REPORT]FR AWALT is true (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Aholahi

I've had some serious emotional stuff over the last months, and if I'm honest, the last few years. I was a wreck, really angry, mad, feeling helpless, feeling like life had lied to me in this gigantic horrible way. Why wasn't my husband treating me the way I expected? Why wasn't my life the beautiful fairy-tale that I deserved???

I filed for divorce in Feb. bc things had spiraled out of control. My husband was drinking, I was yelling. He worked too much, I yelled more. The more he "messed up", the more controlling and mean I was. I felt like if I could just get him to listen to me, if I could control things, get him in line...

I found the Red Pill when I was living in a hotel room with my toddler and a mountain of fear. I was really angry when I first read it and frankly, I still get upset about it. Accepting the red pill makes me look at myself in a clear light and that's so much harder than just blaming my husband and the world.

Things I've learned about myself:

  1. I MUST cultivate an aura of being pleasant and nice to be around. That bossy, bitchy attitude that works well for the corporate woman on t.v. doesn't work well in real life. No one likes her, and as a result, her life sucks. I've been in trouble countless times at work and at home for being a total jerk. It's too late at my work to save the relationship. I already wrecked it. Thankfully, my marriage isn't totally gone. I notice that when I shut my mouth, smile, and allow things to happen, it works out really well, even if it isn't what I "planned".

Case in point: this weekend, my husband (yes, we are working things out), went out and bought a ton of lights for the kitchen and a motion sensor light to come on when I walk into the kitchen. Pretty sweet, right! He starts working on it, and after awhile, couldn't figure out one part of it. He said, I can't figure this out, I've tried everything...I'll finish later. Usually that's when I would get super mad bc that's the usual way things work, he starts a cool project, hits a wall, and stops, and I get angry that things are left undone. I said OK baby, thank you for doing that. It's so cool! And went back to making dinner...

and he went back to finishing the project! Once again he hit a wall, couldn't figure it out, and said, I can't fix it, I'm so sorry. I said, don't worry about it! Thank you for doing all that. And...he kept working. It was unbelievable! I was thinking...wow! This works! Being nice makes him want to help!!!

  1. Time management. I haven't figured this one out yet, or rather, I'm still falling victim to a lot of laziness. I've stopped the netflix (yay!) and it's amazing what amount of cleaning/organizing/work I can accomplish in the same time it takes for a 30 min show! I still read reddit far too much, but I feel like some of it is still really important to my growth as a woman. I read Red Pill A LOT - which leads me to my third point.

This is humbling. I'm not proud of it.

  1. AWALT. Including me. I filed for divorce bc I was sick of the marriage and wanted a new life. I fantasized non-stop about the amazing man that "I deserved" and that was surely waiting around the corner to, as they say on red pill, captain save a ho. Um...yeah. I turn 31 this August, I'm attractive, but not toned, cuss too much, and my career is underwhelming (I focus a lot on my kid and my home life, which is good) Slowly, I started to see that...

I have a husband that loves me and our child and makes a ton of money. He works all the time, but our life is extremely comfortable, and he treats me like a queen. Why am I walking away from that? Yeah, he drank too much, that was not O.K. and that boundary has been established and he isn't drinking like that now. Yes, I yelled constantly, and was super mean to him, calling him nasty names and emasculating him constantly. Hard to accept that dark side of myself, but it was the truth.

The choices now make me feel a bit disappointed in myself for "settling" but I'm making a logical, reasonable decision when it comes to RP philosophy. Hollywood glamorizes women like me racing out, divorcing the husband, taking maximum cash, and saddling up to the next guy that walks by.

Really, in the real world...it doesn't work like that. There aren't amazing men in the wings just waiting to get involved with divorced women raising a child alone. I mentioned earlier how important my daughter is and how much I value that time with her. Marrying/dating someone else would only infringe on our time together and it would take my daughter's dad further out of her life than he is now (he literally works constantly and is gone for weeks at a time on projects). Staying together isn't the easier choice, it's humbling, and embarrassing bc I told so many friends all the "wrongs" he did...so many of my friends can't understand why I would stay with him. The hamster is strong. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Yes, I do deserve better, and so does my husband.

That's why I'm focusing on my own self improvement. Being nice, managing my time better, being grateful for this second chance, and trying to remember that AWALT (including me!) when my own hamster goes into overdrive and I want to send nasty texts or blame my husband when things go bad in my own life due to my own actions.

One final story. I play kickball and it's competitive. I love it. Plenty of the wives are on the sidelines drinking while we play, (I'm on a co-ed team), and one in particular stands out. This woman is about 27, with a child that's 5 (no dad in the picture on that one), and she "got pregnant" with a total Alpha who is on our team and he has completely been supportive of her, the baby, as well as the first child. It's truly incredible to see it. She went from broke and struggling, clinging to him, to him getting her a new ride.

Anyway, is she grateful? Is she cheering him on and happy as a clam? NO. SHE ISN'T. She's on the sidelines getting DRUNK, every single game, and complaining that being a mom is so hard. It's baffling when you know the red pill and you see things as clearly as they really are. Anyway, on this particular day, she's a few beers in, talking nasty to her older child, and everyone on the team is deciding where to eat after the game. Some are going to a far away restaurant and some are staying closer by. Her hubby, and about half the team, want to stay closer by, but she flips out bc her girlfriend is going to the farther away place. "We never go anywhere I want to go!!" she says. He stays calm, where do you want to go? what about pizza? "NO!! We eat pizza all the time!!! (wow, she doesn't cook and stays at home?) Repeat the back and forth as the rest of us are silent. Then she says, I'm leaving! Takes the stroller, yells at the older kid, and starts walking angrily. He follows.

One of the other guys on the team (Alpha dude) says "he's going to get an earful in the car." His girl says, why? what did he do wrong? Guy says, "it's not what he did. It's about how she feels about herself."

That was a real breakthrough for me. All those times I was angry, and all the times I get angry now, I try to center myself and say, who is this anger about? It's usually myself being disappointed in my own actions. Hard to accept, but for me, it's the truth.

Thanks for all the advice out there, ladies. I might not be where I want to be as a RPW now, but I can see that each day I AM getting to a better place with myself and my own actions. I hope to one day have a FR that says all positive stuff, and I can say Look! Figured it all out, yay! Not there yet, but getting there.

One step at a time.


[–][deleted] 74 points75 points  (30 children)

it's great to see women coming in with a deeper understanding of RP and acting on it thoughtfully. quite often we hear the whole "i'm cooking, cleaning and wearing a dress... why is he not acting how i want him to?", without the understanding that their expectations and attitudes toward men are still completely backward.

perhaps i misinterpreted your post, but to me it still feels like you need to take it a step further. you've recognized your nature and how it makes the people around you feel, but it still seems to come back to how this awareness is benefiting you.

  • "nobody likes the bitch, and that makes the bitch unhappy".

  • your husband doesn't like being nagged, so when you stop nagging he fixes the kitchen lights for you.

  • you've come to appreciate your marriage not out of respect for your husband, but because that dream-guy does not want a 31 year old single mom.

do you see what i mean? nowhere in your post did you talk about your husband's happiness, except for where it directly influences your own. self awareness is fantastic, and it seems like you've made great progress there, but where is the empathy? the love?

[–]tintedlipbalm 28 points29 points  (14 children)

Thanks for writing this, I was thinking something along the same lines but you put it much better. Everything still comes back to how it serves her.

"There aren't amazing men in the wings just waiting to get involved with divorced women raising a child alone". That's literally the first and foremost thing that stopped her from divorcing. And dad's time with the daughter is an afterthought, like there's very little concern of how OP can unilaterally sever a dad's relationship with his child.

I am glad she is more self aware now but it still comes across at looking at the husband for his utility, not his humanity, and that's the core of the issue. There's still little regard and no respect for him.

[–]Aholahi[S] 11 points12 points  (13 children)

Hard to read, but yes, that's where I am at right now. I am working on the humanity and respect issue. It's a selfish world we live in, and I am guilty of being the same way myself. One step at a time.

[–]NikoMyshkin 15 points16 points  (8 children)

It's a selfish world we live in

OP - it's not a selfish world. It's a neutral world filled with some selfish and some selfless people. It's a choice. To many people, selfishness is morally unacceptable and makes them feel bad.

[–]Aholahi[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

I like your viewpoint.

[–]NikoMyshkin 5 points6 points  (6 children)

Thanks. I fully accpet it is difficult to achieve intergender empathy given that men and women start from very different places (mentally) and proceed along very different emotional paths with different urges, desires and needs.

But it can be done. And it is necessary if we are to acheive emotional maturity and relationship hapiness.

[–]Aholahi[S] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

You are right!

[–]NikoMyshkin 0 points1 point  (4 children)

good luck :-]

stick with it, accept any failures en route and don't let negative emotions distract you from repeating attempts.

you definitely get there - if you really want to.

[–]Aholahi[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Thank you :) I do want to get there. So many of the posts are from people that are already "there" and you know what...this is where I am. It's easy to see my errors, I make no attempt to hide or make excuses. I know that I made a lot of mistakes and I want to use those horrible experiences (self-induced, most) to learn and grow and step forward each day with that knowledge.

[–]NikoMyshkin 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I want to use those horrible experiences (self-induced, most) to learn and grow and step forward each day with that knowledge.

That's all anyone can do. FYI I'm male and certainly not faultless: I hope I did not imply that I was. Good luck and congratulations on your awakening.

[–]valleycupcake 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I've been there. I couldn't get back to empathy with my XH, but I've maintained it so far with my fiancé. I think it's part of the AWALT issue. We just forget to step into his world from time to time and see everything from our frame of reference. It's funny because when you first fall in love, it's for a reason, right, like he does XYZ that is manly and responsible and assertive and sexy. But when you choose to stay in love, it loses the conditions that it came with. Now I love him even when he can't always be those things. He fails me sometimes, but I love him as a human soul and not just for how well he meets my checklist for what he should be. If we're honest, many women need to constantly work to keep this perspective.

[–]Aholahi[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

THANK YOU!!!! When I first met my husband, and for so many years after, we were blissfully happy. Everything was wonderful, I couldn't stop complimenting and loving him and being out of my mind proud of him and his accomplishments. I was so proud to be with him! He made me a better woman, the world was infinitely possible, we had dreams, and aspirations and it was all so beautiful. And then some cruel life issues hit and the bubble got popped a bit. We turned on each other, rather than turning to each other.

He said something really interesting to me awhile back when we were considering trying our marriage again. He said, it would be a lot easier to walk away from this than to take the time and do the work we both need to do to get back to a good place. He's right.

Those old nasty patterns (on both sides) sneak back in and take away the love so quickly! We have both made VAST Improvements on listening to each other, giving compliments, focusing on each other's day to day life, and really connecting and by doing so, we are able to tackle the icky parts with a calm rational that simply wasn't present before.

I'm still seeing things somewhat as a paper checklist, and he does as well...we are both building trust again in each other, rather than what attributes the other party brings to the table. It's taking time, patience, and understanding, but I believe that we are beginning to share that connection again and it's wonderful.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

it is not a "selfish world" and this has nothing to do with your situation. if you don't want to be a selfish person, stop being selfish.

[–]Aholahi[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I am working on that.

[–]Aholahi[S] 16 points17 points  (14 children)

You are so right. I really need to work on being empathetic and feeling the love for those around me. I just...don't. Literally, I feel a coldness, and I know that my mother does too. I'm fearful I will pass that same programming onto my daughter. I do think about myself constantly, and how things benefit ME. I have a lot of personal development steps to take. Thank you for your insight. I needed to hear that honesty.

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (3 children)

fake it till you make it. you don't need to feel an overwhelming love for all creatures to treat your husband well.

i had a peek at your posting history, and there's definitely a pattern of blaming everything but yourself. if you want to keep your marriage, stop being a victim and take responsibility for building a happy marriage. forget your mother and your "programming" and all of the other excuses you can come up with - you're an adult and this is your job now.

[–]Aholahi[S] 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I appreciate your feedback.

[–]Ojisan1 8 points9 points  (1 child)

If you want to be more empathetic, I recommend to a) study it, and b) practice it (aka fake it till you make it).

Some good resources that I highly recommend are Brené Brown's books and Eckhart Tolle's books (I actually prefer Tolle in audiobook, he does them himself, and I think hearing him speak the words adds a lot to it).

Here's a bit of Brené talking about empathy in a cute animated RSA short on YouTube.

[–]Aholahi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I'll check it out!

[–]YouDislikeMyOpinion 4 points5 points  (1 child)

This thread embodies the repercussions of a person's ability to cruise through life without doing major self development. When the stimuli for self development simply isn't there, you end up having to grind out these skills later on in life.

It is a surmountable obstacle, but the cost of this common life path is the value of living without these skills.

This is RPW, and my comment is that this is exactly why it is critical to prepare your children so that they don't have to carry this burden. No one else really cares about your kids more than you. You're their salvation.

[–]Aholahi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I like your opinion :) I don't want to cruise through life anymore. I'm excited and wanting to better myself everyday. It's humbling and liberating all at once.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]aguy01 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Godspeed brother

    [–]queen_oops 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    [–]Aholahi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I may have been exaggerating my own lack of feeling. I do care, and I show that I care all the time through words and actions. But sometimes, yeah, I focus on myself too much. Working on improvement.

    [–]RPDameendorsed woman 12 points13 points  (3 children)

    I agree with others that, while you've made stupendous progress in going through some motions and noticing the impact of shrew like behavior in other women on their men, there's an element missing: focusing on making this change for unselfish reasons.

    I had a look back at your posting history, and you filed for divorce in February and it looks like you may have reunited a month or so ago. (Do I have the timing right?)

    I feel like I can weigh in on this since I was a former shrew (check out my posting history), and destroyed my relationship with a wonderful man, realized my mistake in the aftermath and worked on myself. We ended up getting back together after 9 months apart (6 months not speaking at all), and a few things led us to find happiness together: we had both had time to work on ourselves and we both had time to let go of anger and resentments. I had made it very hard for him to love me in the past, and I was just thinking this morning about how effusive he is with how much he loves me. All I've done is believe in him, make his life easier, and committed to enjoying the imperfect life we have together.

    I feel like you're missing those two things - focused time on working on yourself and enough time for anger and resentments to pass. Looking at your posting history, you were entitled and very angry (no shade being thrown, I've been there). You said in one post that you felt cheated of the life that you deserve. And now you've seen that you actually played a big role in creating your own unhappiness, and you also have some evidence that approaching your marriage from an entirely different way creates an entirely different dynamic in your marriage. So now that missing piece... the victim mentality that you're still holding onto.

    You've got to find a way to let go of the resentment that you still feel that is causing your motivations to be selfish. Your husband did not "owe" you anything. If you feel robbed, then take a good hard look only at yourself. No one got you to where you are today - good and bad - other than you. Period. End of.

    I'm not a mother, but I know it's tough with little ones. I have to say that an attitude I see from modern women with kids is that they latch onto this new identity as "mother" and act like their husbands owe them the world and they don't have to lift a finger to get the relationship that they are now owed. I think it's truly disgusting, but it's everywhere. (I saw a bit in your posts in /r/divorce.) The other entitled mothers cheer one another on and act as if this attitude is okay. And I see a bit of this in you, both in this post and in your posting history. You saw a bit of it in the bitchy woman at kickball. Guess what? It wasn't just about how she felt about herself, it was because she's the mother of his child so she feels she can do what she wants and he has to put up with it. That guy has already checked out on her emotionally, I'm sure.

    You are right that good men aren't going to flock to a divorced mom, and know that that is your future if you don't let go of what you feel your husband owes you. He is a good man and he can leave you. His happiness is just as important as yours, and I hope you don't find that out the hard way. If you do not fully lose your entitled atttitude, you won't get to the really fantastic place that your marriage could go.

    Your husband was miserable the last time around, and he drank to numb himself. That's something I see with the modern fathers who have the joy of their marriage turn into Entitlement City, party of one - they escape without escaping. They work too much, they drink to numb themselves, they watch television so they don't have to be present. These are good men who want to stay and provide for their families, but their entitled bitchy wives drive them to the brink of sanity. Much of your misery before you left was - I'm sorry - created by you. I commend you for taking a good look at yourself, since not everyone is courageous enough to do that, but you're not special. The truth is that there are many women out there who would love for your husband to be single so that they could find him and make him the happiest man in the world. That threat is real, so you need to shape up, and you need to be the one making him the happiest man in the world.

    I'm happy that you're involved in kickball - that's a good way to get out frustration. How about meditation or something like that? It helps us be gentler on others and on ourselves. It empowers us to show us that are emotions aren't us, and that they are always a choice. With enough practice, you might find the power to truly let go of the past and forgive, because I don't think you're there yet.

    I wish for you to get there. You are the only person standing in the way of your own happiness. I know it's frightening to let go and let yourself be vulnerable to someone you have an unpleasant history with, but you need to find the courage to do just that. Your husband wants your respect, your trust, and he wants to know he's significant in your life. His drinking was at least partially caused by a lack of those three things coming from you (your worst fight you describe was preceded by him telling you that he can't ever make you happy! Hello?!)

    So start showing him how he makes you happy. Be devoted to him, be unselfish, and do things to make his life easier without expecting any benefit for yourself. Doing so will set of a cycle, where he'll start to be more devoted to you and do things to make you happy and protect you. Good begets good, but you've got to get to a place where you're capable of not being selfish before you will see this cycle fully blossom. And once you see it, you can't stop giving. You must continue to give and you must continue to be unselfish, so commit to that.

    I hope you understand the spirit in which this was written, since I know it can be tough to read things that feel like criticism. Do know that I took the time to write this because I want to help you find real and lasting happiness in your marriage. You've been working hard, but you've still got some work to do.

    [–]Aholahi[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story and give me advice. I really appreciate it! I read everything you said, and while it was hard to read some of it, I thank you for putting the time, effort, and emotion into your words. It was really beautifully written.

    I am working on bettering myself and my relationship and also thinking about my husband's happiness and what makes him happy. Learning every day, and I am so grateful for my friends here on reddit for their advice. Often times harsh words can cause a defensive reaction, but I know that the comments are made with the best intention in mind- to help me better myself for the good of our marriage and our child. Thank you so much.

    [–]RPDameendorsed woman 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    You're welcome.

    Know that I wouldn't have taken the time to type it if I thought you were a lost cause.

    I'm sorry if some of it stung. I do feel like they are things you need to hear in order to become the best version of yourself and to treat your husband right.

    Someday I hope you look back on this time and are able to use what you learned to help women who were once in your position.

    [–]Aholahi[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I appreciate that so much!

    Thank you for your helpful guidance friend!

    [–]dalls18 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    This was really inspiring to read. How you are turning your life around and your relationship. I see a lot of the women like you mentioned in the second part and moreso since I've been learning RP, and it physically hurts me to see these great, devoted partners/men bending over backwards and the women being oblivious to how lucky they are and how they should be doing everything to return the favor and show their gratefulness.

    [–]Aholahi[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    Exactly! I see this situation everywhere now! Something that also stood out for me was in a RP post about how women often become aggressive in situations where a man doesn't become aggressive and how illogical that is. Women are responding in a masculine way, when a masculine man wouldn't respond that way! My MIL is from abroad and I often thought how subservent she was, she would do whatever the men wanted, always smiling, cooking, and being pleasant. She told me a man controls the head, the woman controls the neck. Then I began to see how subtle she was in getting her points across. Always smiling...always charming...and always getting gifts and attention from her man! Role model for sure.

    [–]ColdEiric 9 points10 points  (4 children)

    All those times I was angry, and all the times I get angry now, I try to center myself and say, who is this anger about? It's usually myself being disappointed in my own actions. Hard to accept, but for me, it's the truth.

    Lovely.

    Buddha compares anger at someone else with drinking poison and expecting the other person to get hurt.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [removed]

      [–]RiseAboveRuin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

      Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at some else; you are the one who gets burned.

      You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.

      This may be the best quote I've ever heard. I should really finish reading my book on bhuddism and mindfulness.

      [–]Aholahi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      That's an awesome quote! I'll remember that one. Really good analogy.

      [–]dalls18 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      yes! thats always how i saw anger, it ends up hurting everyone but no one more than yourself

      [–]HeadingRed 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      "And...he kept working"

      And that will be the result most of the time. When we (men) hit a wall with a task we have to walk away for a bit to see it in a new light. Getting negative input when that happens - and being threatened with unwanted anger - only amplifies the feeling of failure. We also then shift our frustration to you as you are now the source of current frustration. It's one thing to be angry at an appliance that's broken - it's another thing entirely to be getting angry from someone about your current failure.

      A happy man has a couple of drinks every now and then. A depressed man has more, and more often. Nothing makes us want to come home like knowing we are successful there, and nothing makes us want to stay away like the stink of failure.

      [–]Aholahi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      A happy man has a couple of drinks every now and then. A depressed man has more, and more often. Nothing makes us want to come home like knowing we are successful there, and nothing makes us want to stay away like the stink of failure.

      I love this. I will try to remember this. I don't want to drive him to sadness and feelings of failure. I want to be his support and his encouragement and hopefully we can do that for each other, rather than bringing each other down like we did in the past. Routines like that are toxic.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thanks for your honesty and personal responsibility. It made my night.

      [–]TheBigO420 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Good on ya. I love reading stories like this. Keep improving and I hope things get even better for you!

      [–]Aholahi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thank you friend :)

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [removed]

      [–]Aholahi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Well. Thanks? Not a troll. Just working on improvement like the rest of us.

      [–][deleted]  (5 children)

      [removed]

      [–]Aholahi[S] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      Thanks. It is counter intuitive but it is all true, for better and for worse.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      Thank you for sharing. Reading your post, and all of the comments here ... Your attitude right now is so inspiring. I think it's really great. You have provided me (and I'm sure many others) so much to think about. Please keep us updated - I am so happy to read your story.

      [–]Aholahi[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Thank you! I am so grateful for all the feedback! This is an amazing community and I'm so thankful for this groups advice and wisdom. I know RP preaches not to talk about it...but I keep feeling like so many people would be so much happier if they knew what life could be like with gratitude and understanding

      [–]fishwithoutaporpoise 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      OP I just found this sub today. Wanted to thank you for your honesty. I'm in a similar place, though fortunately my marriage is still very much intact. But I'm beginning to take accountability for how my attitude has had a huge effect on the declining quality of my marriage. Hearing your story today was very helpful. I hope you get where you want to be.

      [–]Aholahi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Girl, YES. I really blamed it all in the hubby. It was easier, it seemed obvious, I felt entitled...now, I'm still finding myself throwing shit tests (RP language) and all too frequently my default is to go against what I really want: to uplift, love, and support.

      [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      'she "got pregnant" with a total Alpha who is on our team'

      He's putting up with her shit? Not an Alpha.