I've had some serious emotional stuff over the last months, and if I'm honest, the last few years. I was a wreck, really angry, mad, feeling helpless, feeling like life had lied to me in this gigantic horrible way. Why wasn't my husband treating me the way I expected? Why wasn't my life the beautiful fairy-tale that I deserved???
I filed for divorce in Feb. bc things had spiraled out of control. My husband was drinking, I was yelling. He worked too much, I yelled more. The more he "messed up", the more controlling and mean I was. I felt like if I could just get him to listen to me, if I could control things, get him in line...
I found the Red Pill when I was living in a hotel room with my toddler and a mountain of fear. I was really angry when I first read it and frankly, I still get upset about it. Accepting the red pill makes me look at myself in a clear light and that's so much harder than just blaming my husband and the world.
Things I've learned about myself:
- I MUST cultivate an aura of being pleasant and nice to be around. That bossy, bitchy attitude that works well for the corporate woman on t.v. doesn't work well in real life. No one likes her, and as a result, her life sucks. I've been in trouble countless times at work and at home for being a total jerk. It's too late at my work to save the relationship. I already wrecked it. Thankfully, my marriage isn't totally gone. I notice that when I shut my mouth, smile, and allow things to happen, it works out really well, even if it isn't what I "planned".
Case in point: this weekend, my husband (yes, we are working things out), went out and bought a ton of lights for the kitchen and a motion sensor light to come on when I walk into the kitchen. Pretty sweet, right! He starts working on it, and after awhile, couldn't figure out one part of it. He said, I can't figure this out, I've tried everything...I'll finish later. Usually that's when I would get super mad bc that's the usual way things work, he starts a cool project, hits a wall, and stops, and I get angry that things are left undone. I said OK baby, thank you for doing that. It's so cool! And went back to making dinner...
and he went back to finishing the project! Once again he hit a wall, couldn't figure it out, and said, I can't fix it, I'm so sorry. I said, don't worry about it! Thank you for doing all that. And...he kept working. It was unbelievable! I was thinking...wow! This works! Being nice makes him want to help!!!
- Time management.
I haven't figured this one out yet, or rather, I'm still falling victim to a lot of laziness. I've stopped the netflix (yay!) and it's amazing what amount of cleaning/organizing/work I can accomplish in the same time it takes for a 30 min show! I still read reddit far too much, but I feel like some of it is still really important to my growth as a woman. I read Red Pill A LOT - which leads me to my third point.
This is humbling. I'm not proud of it.
- AWALT. Including me.
I filed for divorce bc I was sick of the marriage and wanted a new life. I fantasized non-stop about the amazing man that "I deserved" and that was surely waiting around the corner to, as they say on red pill, captain save a ho. Um...yeah. I turn 31 this August, I'm attractive, but not toned, cuss too much, and my career is underwhelming (I focus a lot on my kid and my home life, which is good) Slowly, I started to see that...
I have a husband that loves me and our child and makes a ton of money. He works all the time, but our life is extremely comfortable, and he treats me like a queen. Why am I walking away from that? Yeah, he drank too much, that was not O.K. and that boundary has been established and he isn't drinking like that now. Yes, I yelled constantly, and was super mean to him, calling him nasty names and emasculating him constantly. Hard to accept that dark side of myself, but it was the truth.
The choices now make me feel a bit disappointed in myself for "settling" but I'm making a logical, reasonable decision when it comes to RP philosophy. Hollywood glamorizes women like me racing out, divorcing the husband, taking maximum cash, and saddling up to the next guy that walks by.
Really, in the real world...it doesn't work like that. There aren't amazing men in the wings just waiting to get involved with divorced women raising a child alone. I mentioned earlier how important my daughter is and how much I value that time with her. Marrying/dating someone else would only infringe on our time together and it would take my daughter's dad further out of her life than he is now (he literally works constantly and is gone for weeks at a time on projects). Staying together isn't the easier choice, it's humbling, and embarrassing bc I told so many friends all the "wrongs" he did...so many of my friends can't understand why I would stay with him. The hamster is strong. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
Yes, I do deserve better, and so does my husband.
That's why I'm focusing on my own self improvement. Being nice, managing my time better, being grateful for this second chance, and trying to remember that AWALT (including me!) when my own hamster goes into overdrive and I want to send nasty texts or blame my husband when things go bad in my own life due to my own actions.
One final story. I play kickball and it's competitive. I love it. Plenty of the wives are on the sidelines drinking while we play, (I'm on a co-ed team), and one in particular stands out. This woman is about 27, with a child that's 5 (no dad in the picture on that one), and she "got pregnant" with a total Alpha who is on our team and he has completely been supportive of her, the baby, as well as the first child. It's truly incredible to see it. She went from broke and struggling, clinging to him, to him getting her a new ride.
Anyway, is she grateful? Is she cheering him on and happy as a clam? NO. SHE ISN'T. She's on the sidelines getting DRUNK, every single game, and complaining that being a mom is so hard. It's baffling when you know the red pill and you see things as clearly as they really are. Anyway, on this particular day, she's a few beers in, talking nasty to her older child, and everyone on the team is deciding where to eat after the game. Some are going to a far away restaurant and some are staying closer by. Her hubby, and about half the team, want to stay closer by, but she flips out bc her girlfriend is going to the farther away place. "We never go anywhere I want to go!!" she says. He stays calm, where do you want to go? what about pizza? "NO!! We eat pizza all the time!!! (wow, she doesn't cook and stays at home?) Repeat the back and forth as the rest of us are silent. Then she says, I'm leaving! Takes the stroller, yells at the older kid, and starts walking angrily. He follows.
One of the other guys on the team (Alpha dude) says "he's going to get an earful in the car." His girl says, why? what did he do wrong?
Guy says, "it's not what he did. It's about how she feels about herself."
That was a real breakthrough for me. All those times I was angry, and all the times I get angry now, I try to center myself and say, who is this anger about? It's usually myself being disappointed in my own actions. Hard to accept, but for me, it's the truth.
Thanks for all the advice out there, ladies. I might not be where I want to be as a RPW now, but I can see that each day I AM getting to a better place with myself and my own actions. I hope to one day have a FR that says all positive stuff, and I can say Look! Figured it all out, yay! Not there yet, but getting there.
One step at a time.