This is going to be a post about me venting my frustrations so I'm sorry if it sounds really negative. And I mean. REALLY negative. You've been warned.
I've been lurking this sub for years now and I've always liked the advice I find here, but I've never quite found anything about what I'm going through right now.
Long story short, I was bullied throughout my entire childhood and spent my teens as a recluse. My mom has always tried to console me by saying things like, "at least you're not smoking/drinking/doing drugs like all the other girls and you're sparing your brain cells" and dumb bs like that. Well guess what, they now all have better education than me anyway !
I used to take pride in the fact that I was such a saint, despite being forced by circumstance - I was too socially isolated to even consider partying. But I used to think it was better for me in the long run. Now I'm in my early twenties, starting to get my first wrinkles, and I've been with one guy in a terribly boring LTR because we were both... boring. There was no attraction, no fun, nothing. When I realized that I felt like I was wasting my youth, I broke up with him and decided to pursue men who would be more fun, outgoing and experienced, in an attempt to change my boring self and my boring life. And that's where I am right now, and it is driving me insane with conflicted feelings:
The truth is, I feel bitter that guys my age have never wanted me because I'm not fun/hot like other girls, and it makes me feel even more bitter that it's the OLDER guys who want girls like me, the guys who have had their fun in their teens/twenties but now want something more "serious" with a more stable and "reliable" girl like me. I feel that it's unfair. Why should I spare myself for someone like that? What do I get in return for all the years I spent in nun mode? A guy who's been with every girl around the block and who's now ready to settle for a safer option? I probably sound a lot like the guys over at r/theredpill because I believe that beta/omega girls like me DO get the same treatment as the typical beta guys: ignored for the hotter/sluttier/more fun girls at first, then finally taken into consideration when it's time to settle for marriage and kids! It's absurd.
Me being a nun has brought me no benefit. You might say, a mature, more grown-up guy will find my "innocence" attractive, but I don't find the fact that he got to fuck around when he was younger attractive. My conservative values don't just apply to myself, they apply to everyone, men included. And I find these behaviours repulsive in both men and women. I don't care if it was in the past - it still disturbs me.
Am I being unreasonable in my way of thinking? Deep inside I still want to be conservative and redpilled, but I am so unhappy with my social life/love life I can't stop thinking that this might be the source of my misery. My conservativeness seems to have no value, it only cripples me.
Edit: I think I didn't make this clear. I don't intend to become a slut and sleep around, because I cannot negotiate my moral values regarding sex. I have only touched one man in my entire life. The problem is that I am submissive and conservative and am having a hard time finding a man that complements me well (i.e. a leader who can value my conservativeness) so I'm wondering if being a 'good girl' really is worth it. But I would never consider becoming a slut.
FINAL EDIT: Thank you to everyone who gave me valuable advice, which was the majority of you. I really appreciate the help and will meditate further on how I should approach dating. However I am not dealing well with the people calling me a dumb slut for daring to dump my ex boyfriend whom I was not attracted to. I realize that my flaw is that I am boring, and I am already working on that. Thank you to those who inspired me to become a better, more exciting woman.