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DATING ADVICEI just found out that my boyfriend had a sexual relationship with his aunt and an all-around shady sexual past. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Torridtwenty

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I met an absolutely amazing guy, I mean perfect in each and every way. He’s unbelievably handsome, hilarious, interesting, good-hearted, a natural leader and I’ve just never been happier. However, he told me about his very concerning sexual past and I’m worried for our future.

To start this off, the reason I didn’t leave right away after hearing about his past is the fact that he’s been through a lot of stuff that most likely led up to this. He was (r)aped by an older cousin from the age of 4 and was badly abused by his mother (to the point of near-death).

He opened up to me yesterday about having had a sexual and romantic relationship with his aunt, his mother’s full blood sister. There was no grooming involved from what I know. In fact, he was the pursuer. He was 20 when this happened and it went on for a full year until she finally pumped the brakes.

This is unfortunately not where it ends. After the break-up, he coped by having completely unprotected sex with strangers off of Craigslist, a prostitute, a transgendered woman and a couple of older married women. Basically, it became clear that he had a severe lack of boundaries and morality.

He seemed very very regretful and ashamed of this past. He even cried when he told me. I was just shell-shocked and all I could tell him was that he needed intensive therapy. He agreed. He said “you’re probably going to leave me now” and I said that I needed time to process all of it.

What would you all do in my situation? Is this get-over-able or should I pump the brakes?


[–]sarahindewoods 77 points78 points  (2 children)

I don’t think this is a debate. You have to leave him. He is 23 (seeing from your other posts), this was 3 years ago. That is too little time to have processed and dealt with this in a healthy way. If you want your future kids to be safe, do NOT have any with him. I am not saying he is a bad person, but he is severely damaged and you cannot fix that. For your own (mental) safety, and potential children, I would leave this relationship ASAP.

Also from a RP perspective: this is a man with no control or boundaries, this guy will not lead you, your relationship, or a future family in a healthy way.

[–]NationalMouse 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I was going to say this IS get over-able before I knew how young he was (23 is very young) and that this just happened 3 years ago! He definitely needs to get some help before past comes haunting him emotionally and then YOU are going to be the one he takes it out on, unfortunately.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

THIS THIS THIS

[–]nowyougotdryballs 48 points49 points  (0 children)

What would you all do in my situation?

Pump? Man, I'd slam the brakes on this so hard it'd leave skid marks.

This guy has some unbelievable baggage you don't even want to begin to unpack. The amount of issues that would come out over the course of a ltr could overwhelm a relationship.

I'd run, not walk to the exits on this one. The way he poured out to you suggests he needs a therapist, not a girlfriend.

[–]Raging_Dragon_99 23 points24 points  (1 child)

I would for starters, get both of you a full and thorough STD screening.

He doesn't need the normal "see a counselor once a week" therapy, he needs the 8 hour a day, 20+ day straight intensive therapy. My wife's friend's husband had to do something like this. It did apparently make a difference. But they were serious and didn't take any BS from him.

How old is he now? How long ago was all this?

As other have said, these are severe red flags. At the same time, for his sake, don't just dump him and throw him to the sharks right away. At the very least, he has been honest with you about this. And I hope to God, not holding anything back!!!

Have you asked, exactly, if anything is missing? Like him abusing children?

[–]jtriangle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

a full and thorough STD screening.

This is very important. If you want an accurate test, you have to test, then retest in 2 weeks, then retest in 4 weeks. Given this guy's past, there's a much higher chance that he's been exposed.

I'd also seriously consider going on PrEP like RIGHT NOW and staying on it until the end of those testing windows /u/Torridtwenty

for his sake, don't just dump him

At this point, she owes him nothing. She needs to do what is best for her.

[–]happybabymama 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I married a guy with a similar past (except for the relationship with a relative as an adult). We have been married three years and it has been a rough road. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again, but I can say I know now that I shouldn’t have married him where he was at that point. He seemed to be functioning well and loving his life apart from all that, but he hadn’t dealt with those issues in therapy and has had many times of falling apart and not functioning for a while since then.

He’s now in EMDR therapy for trauma and it’s done wonders for him. We still have a long way to go to healthy. And who was I at that time to marry someone with so many red flags? What does that say about how I valued myself? Did I have codependent tendencies for thinking my love could save him? I have been in therapy too, and it’s necessary and helpful.

Just TMI FYI, there was a less than full on infidelity on his part in the early months that nearly destroyed us. Our sex life never fully rebounded because he still feels ashamed of what he did and unworthy to come together with me.

If you are cultivating RPW values, it can be easy to get into a helper mindset and think that you can help your guy out of this. Unfortunately, you really can’t. He has to decide to get help, and even then, he will never be the same as if it never happened. You might decide to put up with all this, but then I would implore you to take another look at how you are valuing yourself. For me, I thought that because of my weight I would not find anyone better. But I’m 30 pounds less now, and halfway to a healthy weight, which didn’t seem possible back then. I love my husband and I’ve made a commitment to him, but if I had known in the dating phase what I know now, it may not have gone forward.

[–]throwingawayyouth 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Leave immediately. Imagine what you will have to tell your kids.

[–][deleted] 57 points58 points  (5 children)

perfect in each and every way.

Except for the fact he has:

• initiated incest

• been physically and sexually abused his entire life

• disrespected the vows of marriage

• paid for sex

• fucked a transgender

• all WITHOUT protection

Do you even hear yourself? These are not small mistakes. He could have AIDS for all you know. How can someone with absolutely zero regard for himself or his own body respect a partner? He doesn’t value himself, how can he value you?!

Honestly I have never even met a person with so many red flags in my entire LIFE. Trust your gut, you’re allowed to find his history a turn off. Run or at least have your bags packed and ready by the door.

[–]otter6461a 51 points52 points  (0 children)

I wish this would be posted on every sub on Reddit:

“You are allowed to find someone’s sexual history a turn-off!”

[–]fosho_away 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Disagree with being abused or having sex w a trans person as automatic red flags, but the rest still stands.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Being abused is a red flag. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it means you're more likely to have issues than a non-abused person. It's not a moral judgment.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Not necessarily to the user above but as a general question - if someone has been abused in their past, is this a red flag for having a serious relationship with them?

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It is. You're generally more likely to come up against issues than you would otherwise. Now, if they've worked on it through therapy and self work, that's a green flag!

Seriously though, pretty much everyone has some red flags. Some of them won't be their 'fault' but they're still relevant.

[–]Kara__El1 Star 21 points22 points  (1 child)

"You're probably going to leave me now" is an attempt at reverse psychology. He wants you to want to prove him wrong. It's unquestionably manipulative and I would hit next so hard. This is bizarre and deeply unhealthy and if you stay, you're signing on to deal with a LOT of emotional baggage.

[–]dashdotdott 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"You're probably going to leave me now" is an attempt at reverse psychology.

Yeah, that alone is a big red flag for me.

[–]Torridtwenty[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for your advice. I decided to break things off with him. I still want to be friends because he really is a great guy despite being so very damaged. He understood and is starting therapy as soon as he can.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]Breatheinprawna 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is amazing!

[–]6969pussycat6969 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately what he has done can be rationalized in a manner that deems his actions understandable. I say unfortunately because this fact may cloud your judgement going forward. Intensive therapy and your own efforts to heal him may well be fruitful however there is a big chance that it wont happen overnight, it will take many years. Also consider that some people just cant change. I would say dont let him guilt you into staying because you feel like he is in need of help, many people are in need of help. There are many people have gotten the help and grown up, its a matter of self-respect to get your shit together. If you intend on having children, his immaturity on sexual issues have to be considered. I think it boils down to: am I willing to sacrifice many years of my life for someone who may well not change because I believe he has potential? My answer would be no.

[–]banannah09 9 points10 points  (1 child)

It’s possible that his relationship with his aunt and the sexual experiences with strangers were a result of the abuse he suffered as a child which was not his fault. This doesn’t mean that what he did with his aunt and craigslist strangers is acceptable, but it could explain why he thought that doing those things was okay, particularly with the idea of incest (because it was normalised from a young age). If you feel like you can’t find anyone better than him, you might be able to work through this and let the past be the past. You could try therapy, but this will only work if he genuinely whole heartedly wants to change and hates/regrets what he’s done. If you didn’t want to stay with him, it’s likely he would understand based on what he said. Additionally, it might be an idea to have him take an STD test just in case, especially if you are both having unprotected sex or thinking about having children in the future (you might want to get one too). I think it would also be worth inquiring more about his craigslist hookups because they could indicate something about him. If there were multiple people at the same time, it could mean he has trouble committing. If they were one offs, he could be looking for an escape. Alternatively he might’ve been looking for emotional satisfaction, love and care (possibly due to the abuse by his mother), but the only way he knew how to get these was through sex. I think it’s worth talking about more and if you really want to be together you could possibly let the past be the past. Good luck.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agree with this :)

[–]JimboNumberz 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Leave your idea of your current self

Work on yourself. Transform yourself into a real red pill woman. Get your shit together in nun mode.

Press pause on this and see if he can handle no sex for a year of personal improvement and deep dive therapy.

If he cant stick with therapy and remain faithful with also making strides in eduction, training, or employment then leave him too

[–]Spazzy19 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Having been married to a sex addict for 10 years (who thankfully was hooked mostly on porn and emotional affairs rather than the extent of what it could be), I would HIGHLY suggest walking away. This SCREAMS sex addiction and most addicts have been abused in their lives.

The only caveat which might make me pause would be if he’s done intensive counseling, 12 steps and is actively working on himself. It’s still nothing I would want to associate with again because there will always be a struggle and a warped view toward sexuality. It will seem like sex is about you initially... but then you find you were just the newest novelty and your partner has difficulty connecting and being truly intimate.

Be careful with the decision you make. It doesn’t make him a horrible person, but it’s a HUGE can of worms that can cause ridiculous amounts of pain.

[–]thatbadlarry 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My number one regret in life was marrying and staying with someone with a shady sexual history. Please don’t make the same mistake as I did. He might saveable but only he can do it and it’s a lot of work. Maybe after a few years of therapy he might be ok, but that’s a huge gamble I would never take. Girl, it’s time to go.

[–]Two_kids_in_a_coat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Personally I’d step back from everything and give myself time to think. It’s probably a deal breaker, there are way too many issues and you can not fix them. He might just be broken. You’re young. Don’t go down with a sinking ship and ruin the rest of your life in the vain hope you can save his.

[–]plein_old 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Was he regretful in the "telling you what you want to hear" sense? Or was he regretful in the sense of seeming to feel genuine remorse?

Often when someone's moral compass is mixed up, they will say things that sound fantastic--about how much they want to change, blah blah--but then their behavior does not match their words. They just get very good at putting on an act.

Real healing might require your bf to get in touch with rage toward his cousin and mother, and then forgiveness. Sometimes people aren't willing to experience that king of rage and complete forgiveness until they have no other choice, because their life has been destroyed.

[–]imspookyboo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leave. And then get tested. Wow, I’m so sorry.

[–]Zoros3112 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He is being honest.... Honesty is everything and rare nowadays

[–]thelittlestpotato 3 points4 points  (0 children)

LEAVE!!! Now, not to say that people who have been abused should be blamed for it, but you shouldn't have to suffer because of someone's past.

I will say what others have probably said, and that is THIS WILL HAVE CONSEQUENCES. This kind of trauma doesn't just leave you, not without strong intervention by trained psychologists. Can you imagine being married to this person, having kids with this person, knowing all this? I should hope not. You are NOT a bad person for not wanting to stay with someone like this, don't let him manipulate you into thinking you're in the wrong if you don't want to stay with him. As someone who has dealt with trauma and who was once in a relationship with someone who was deeply mentally ill and also had suffered a traumatic childhood, I can tell you these things don't just go away.

It's all up to you, but I would personally get out of there and never look back.

[–]sasquatch_pants 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can't help but also think that these stories and him dumping is a manipulative tactic. You're dealing with someone with not just sexual abuse but also serious manipulation strategies. These people you can not help. They will just bring you down. RUN!

[–]aussiedollface2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These aren’t the values you would want to transfer into your own family. I’m sure he’s a “nice” guy, but he’s not for you honey. Leave him xo

[–]likeaprometheancurse 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If he was 20 when he started seeing his aunt, he was 21 when it ended thus the time where he was meeting strangers off the internet was two years ago or less. He obviously has serious issues and needs a lot of time and therapy before getting into a serious relationship, I imagine he will continue to have extreme problems with sex down the line if that step isn't taken. These desires don't simply go away - they grow the longer you let them fester.

[–]ManguZa1 Star -3 points-2 points  (11 children)

He's perfect to you. He trust you enough to open himself about his hard past... and honestly with this kind of abuse it's admirable to become this amazing.

What's important is what he do , and how he behave, now and in the future. Not a distant past.

[–]sasquatch_pants 3 points4 points  (9 children)

Sometimes I really question people's reasonings on here like this one...

[–]ManguZa1 Star 1 point2 points  (8 children)

I don't know the man. She say he's perfect with her (he's honest at least).

If he have a bad past but overcame it, this is not a reason to leave him (men are born in difficulties, it can even be positive !). Maybe the odd are low, and his history should make her extra careful, but she should judge about his actual behaviour.

But i'm an idealist in recovery... i must say that all this comments push the red pill further in my throat.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 12 points13 points  (7 children)

For your own information: she was on here about a month or so ago lamenting the fact that she was an alpha widow who could never get over the guy she had been with. Then she was on shortly after that because she had the hots for the friend of the guy who supposedly alpha widowed her. There were quite a few posts all around the same theme with the same advice over a really short period of time. I don't remember all the details and she's deleted her history so I can't reverify BUT I do know that she was told to go into nun mode for a stretch.

It's doubtful that this guy is actually perfect for her, she's just desperately seeking a guy. Also given the time frame, she can't have been with him for more than a month (maybe two if my memory is failing me) so it's pretty early in the game for this stuff to come up. It's also pretty early in the game to determine that someone is perfect.

[–]ManguZa1 Star 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Ok, there is a whole context out there ^

Shouldn't the comments be more about her bad judgement and less about the horribility of the man?

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Probably. I don't know who remembers and who doesn't.

[–]sasquatch_pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're right, it should be!

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Yes. I remember this as well. Seems like she's a troll. Maybe the mods can look into her u/luckylittlestar u/pearlsandstilettos

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This post has been locked because it has been resolved. Going to be keeping on eye on OP as well.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Y'all, I think she's a troll or not being truthful. Here's an archive of a post from May http://archive.is/tm81j

[–]dunkelrein 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know this isn't distant past, right? He got into his promiscuous phase when he was 21, and he's just 23 now. It doesn't sound like he got intensive help, either.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[removed]

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Lucky this isn't a 'feminist' place then.

[–]Banincoming 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I concur. :D

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The feminist line is moot on RPW.