This is long...and I might get roasted here. That's okay. Rightfully so. I am far far from perfect as you will see.
I posted some time ago about my relationship. My SO and I have been struggling for some time. I am the breadwinner , he was making vastly less, then unemployed (through my pregnancy and the first 8 months of our sons life), then a student for the past year (because of my incessant nagging, truthfully).
I was increasingly upset, resentful and carrying what felt to me to be an unbearable load. I was constantly begging for him to be more responsible and help more. I wanted him to take initiative. I demanded more sex. I was angry "how could you forget to pay that bill?!" "How could you forget the mayo??" If you've read 'the surrendered wife'... I was a lot like like Laura Doyle before surrendering.
He stopped wanting sex.
He gained weight rapidly.
He was defensive.
I found trp and rpw well over a year ago. My first reaction was scoffing. Then I read some things about women that rang true to even "special snowflake" me. I read on. I had that sinking feeling that maybe many us of had. I was the problem. I met a man. I chose this man. I accepted him as a stepfather for my son and had another child with him. And all the while... I declared him not good enough. Not meeting my standards. But... I CHOSE HIM. I knew... even early on he had no college degree. He had a very unstable job that made less than half of what I did. He had a lower sex drive. He did not value ambition or drive like I did. But he was kind to me. He made me feel safe. I ignored all the huge red flags that we were not compatible and charged ahead. I had left a 12 year relationship and 5 year marriage a mere 6 months ago with my 3 year old. I was a mess. He didn't care. Red flag. I was a mess of a woman and he was okay with this.
Nevertheless. After things had fallen apart and I found rpw I read 'the surrendered wife.' Realized my part. Accepted the bed I had made and got to work on "surrendering". I stopped nagging, reminding, correcting. I made my demeanor as pleasant and soft as I could. I jovially handed the bills off to him to pay with my income from my bank account that he had access to. He fucked up. Again. And again. His car got repo'ed. He forgot the bills over and over. I tried so hard to keep calm. But I failed. What I didn't say with words he could read on my face. The sex dwindled more. His weight up 40 lbs in a YEAR. My attraction dwindled but I still wanted sex and closeness with him, but was now rejected 9/10 times. My credit was wrecked. I quit my lucrative job which for the first time in my life I was starting to struggle at because I was so depressed from my home life. I took a new position working far less and nights so I could be home to make dinner and clean as well (luckily I negotiated nearly the same salary I had before). On paper... everything looked so nice. He with his 4.0, me with my 6 figures, luxury car and 4 bedroom house.
Misery. I feel nothing but sadness and well... despite my efforts to build him up, to see his good qualities, I have so much resentment and I have no idea how to let go and move on. He clearly doesn't either.
Tonight we talked and discussed how sad we both are. I really believe we are incompatible. Or maybe I changed too late. The damage was done. Or maybe I chose wrong and this never could have a happy ending. Either way we are barely getting through each day. Full disclosure, I cry on my way home from work every morning. I've been mourning for months.
The sickening part is my poor decisions aren't just mine to live with. I have two boys. 7 years old and 21 months.
So I we had to decide whether to continue to live in this relationship that is dead and clearly causing us both psychological distress or to separate and of course allow him full access to the kids whenever he wants. I chose the latter.
As for me? I'm going to monk mode. I'm not turning to men for validation.(I am one of those women who was just never single... always in a relationship. I think a month is the longest I was single.) I'm 33 with two kids from two men. Can someone make me a scarlet letter? But... the truth is...as painful as this sub is for me now becoming a single mother in her 30s. I still believe wholeheartedly in this. I believe I was fed lies my whole life about needing to be this fiercely independent successful woman and molding men into what I want. Then wondering where my strong leader was. Nowhere near me with my piss and vinegar, that's for sure. My "strength" (commanding and demanding attitude) attracted weaker men that I tried to force/build (bully) into who I wanted them to be. Then I was shocked when it didn't work. Ridiculous.
I have learned so much from here. And I intend to use it. Maybe I'll never meet a "quality man". But I can still be a better woman. If for nothing else than to model the type of woman I hope my sons to be with. And for that I am grateful. Because while I may have failed dramatically I still have time to be a good example at least in character. I will not be that bitter, man hating, sjw feminist that blames the world for her failures and indoctrinate my beautiful boys with that crap.
I'll still be here. I'm still learning. I still have hope for at least my boys future, if not my own.
Destroyed my relationship despite trying to submit, (too little, too late.) Now a single mom in her 30s. But still very much believe in being a rpw and grateful for this sub.