[FIELD REPORT]I tried to rpw my dying 4 year relationship (with children) and it failed. But I'm still here. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by iwishiwasamermaid

This is long...and I might get roasted here. That's okay. Rightfully so. I am far far from perfect as you will see.

I posted some time ago about my relationship. My SO and I have been struggling for some time. I am the breadwinner , he was making vastly less, then unemployed (through my pregnancy and the first 8 months of our sons life), then a student for the past year (because of my incessant nagging, truthfully). I was increasingly upset, resentful and carrying what felt to me to be an unbearable load. I was constantly begging for him to be more responsible and help more. I wanted him to take initiative. I demanded more sex. I was angry "how could you forget to pay that bill?!" "How could you forget the mayo??" If you've read 'the surrendered wife'... I was a lot like like Laura Doyle before surrendering.

Of course... He stopped wanting sex. He withdrew. He gained weight rapidly. He was defensive.

I found trp and rpw well over a year ago. My first reaction was scoffing. Then I read some things about women that rang true to even "special snowflake" me. I read on. I had that sinking feeling that maybe many us of had. I was the problem. I met a man. I chose this man. I accepted him as a stepfather for my son and had another child with him. And all the while... I declared him not good enough. Not meeting my standards. But... I CHOSE HIM. I knew... even early on he had no college degree. He had a very unstable job that made less than half of what I did. He had a lower sex drive. He did not value ambition or drive like I did. But he was kind to me. He made me feel safe. I ignored all the huge red flags that we were not compatible and charged ahead. I had left a 12 year relationship and 5 year marriage a mere 6 months ago with my 3 year old. I was a mess. He didn't care. Red flag. I was a mess of a woman and he was okay with this.

Nevertheless. After things had fallen apart and I found rpw I read 'the surrendered wife.' Realized my part. Accepted the bed I had made and got to work on "surrendering". I stopped nagging, reminding, correcting. I made my demeanor as pleasant and soft as I could. I jovially handed the bills off to him to pay with my income from my bank account that he had access to. He fucked up. Again. And again. His car got repo'ed. He forgot the bills over and over. I tried so hard to keep calm. But I failed. What I didn't say with words he could read on my face. The sex dwindled more. His weight up 40 lbs in a YEAR. My attraction dwindled but I still wanted sex and closeness with him, but was now rejected 9/10 times. My credit was wrecked. I quit my lucrative job which for the first time in my life I was starting to struggle at because I was so depressed from my home life. I took a new position working far less and nights so I could be home to make dinner and clean as well (luckily I negotiated nearly the same salary I had before). On paper... everything looked so nice. He with his 4.0, me with my 6 figures, luxury car and 4 bedroom house. Misery. I feel nothing but sadness and well... despite my efforts to build him up, to see his good qualities, I have so much resentment and I have no idea how to let go and move on. He clearly doesn't either.

Tonight we talked and discussed how sad we both are. I really believe we are incompatible. Or maybe I changed too late. The damage was done. Or maybe I chose wrong and this never could have a happy ending. Either way we are barely getting through each day. Full disclosure, I cry on my way home from work every morning. I've been mourning for months.

The sickening part is my poor decisions aren't just mine to live with. I have two boys. 7 years old and 21 months.

So I we had to decide whether to continue to live in this relationship that is dead and clearly causing us both psychological distress or to separate and of course allow him full access to the kids whenever he wants. I chose the latter.

As for me? I'm going to monk mode. I'm not turning to men for validation.(I am one of those women who was just never single... always in a relationship. I think a month is the longest I was single.) I'm 33 with two kids from two men. Can someone make me a scarlet letter? But... the truth is...as painful as this sub is for me now becoming a single mother in her 30s. I still believe wholeheartedly in this. I believe I was fed lies my whole life about needing to be this fiercely independent successful woman and molding men into what I want. Then wondering where my strong leader was. Nowhere near me with my piss and vinegar, that's for sure. My "strength" (commanding and demanding attitude) attracted weaker men that I tried to force/build (bully) into who I wanted them to be. Then I was shocked when it didn't work. Ridiculous.

I have learned so much from here. And I intend to use it. Maybe I'll never meet a "quality man". But I can still be a better woman. If for nothing else than to model the type of woman I hope my sons to be with. And for that I am grateful. Because while I may have failed dramatically I still have time to be a good example at least in character. I will not be that bitter, man hating, sjw feminist that blames the world for her failures and indoctrinate my beautiful boys with that crap.

I'll still be here. I'm still learning. I still have hope for at least my boys future, if not my own.

TLDR; Destroyed my relationship despite trying to submit, (too little, too late.) Now a single mom in her 30s. But still very much believe in being a rpw and grateful for this sub.

[–]TempestTcup 19 points20 points  (3 children)

This sucks all around, for everyone involved, but I'm glad that you have figured out a lot of the mistakes made and how to move forward. I definitely think that monk mode is a good plan: staying away from men and improving yourself for a while.

That being said, this is something that you two talked about and decided on tonight, so maybe you don't have to make any sudden sweeping changes immediately. It doesn't sound like you two were fighting or anything; you both seem to be unhappy in the relationship. It also doesn't sound like he is in a position to move out at the moment either. He has obviously given up, reading your past posts, and he seems to have completely shut down, if indeed he wasn't always this way.

Try this for a little while: separate while living together. Let go of your expectations, go into monk mode and improve yourself, treat him as a roommate and a person that you aren't in a relationship with, and rely on yourself to do the things that would be done without him in your life. Remove all pressure from both of you to work on this relationship.

The reason I'm suggesting this is because so many times, when in a relationship that is bogging them down, a person improves their outlook on life and themselves after the relationship ends. I have seen this quite a few times where people pick themselves up after getting out of a relationship where they felt that they were stuck with no way out and have given up on even trying anymore.

I'm not saying that this will save your relationship, but taking the pressure off and removing expectations might help. You could give him a set amount of time to move out, say six months, and perhaps that will propel him into wanting to change. It sounds like you were trying everything to make him change into more of the man you want, but you can't change other people, he has to want to change and then change himself.

I do think that just the feeling that you both aren't stuck with no way out, moving forward with a definite direction in mind, might buoy him into making plans for his own life instead of riding the coattails of your life.

It's kind of like short-timers attitude during that period after you have given notice at work but have to be there for an extra amount of time while they replace you; you feel freer, like there is an out, you feel like the pressure is off (what are they going to do? fire you?), and you don't take everything so seriously.

Try this and see what happens. It will take some time separating yourselves from the relationship anyway, and during that time you can slowly figure things out and move forward with your life. It gives both of you a little breathing room.

[–]iwishiwasamermaid[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

This is excellent advice and I think exactly what I will do (unless he wants to leave sooner, although he has suggested he doesn't want to leave period but knows it isn't working).

In fact, I am going to pay some bills and going to the gym and grocery store to try and do some major self care right now before I work tonight. I think it will be a relief to only have myself to be dissapointed with if I screw things up.

[–]aanarchist 4 points5 points  (1 child)

i know women who are pretty submissive but they take care of finances because they are better suited to do so than the man in the relationship, for one reason or another. it's a matter of accepting both yourself and the man in your life, and working around your strengths and weaknesses.

another great couple i know has the man stay at home with the kids and focuses on volunteer work in between while the woman does the 9-5 since she's the successful career woman. traditional rp knowledge says they're fucked but they're probably the best couple i know, and they're both pretty red pill.

me personally, i'm good with finances, i can deal with that part. on the other hand i don't like driving, while traditional rp advice says the man drives, it's dumb for me to do it if she's better at it and enjoys it more than i do, rather than either of us getting upset and resentful about what the other is "supposed" to do. it comes down to accepting each other and letting the other focus on what they're good at rather than trying to be someone they aren't.

[–]katnip86 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for this! I've been trying to wrap my head around letting go of some of the things I do in our relationship that I don't mind doing at all, but I know would be a burden to him. It's nice to be reassured that I can submit and still handle the stuff I'm good at.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for writing this. It sounds like separating is the right choice for you, and your family. And what you said about being a good woman, regardless of trying to get a quality man, is so important. So many posters are fixated on the getting of a man, they don't care at all about being a good person.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being self critical and knowing we are in control over how others act around us is core to RPW/TRP. You may have made mistakes in this relationship but you're armed with the knowledge to prevent it happening again.

[–]delores_rose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

OP I think you are doing the right thing at this point. I also commend you for being honest with yourself and having the ability to look at your actions critically. Sometimes, as much as we might like to fix a relationship, too much damage has been done. I know some other may disagree but it sounds like he has other issues that don't involve using RPW tactics, and you can't fix that.

Monk mode was great for me, personally. Did it twice in my life, once in my mid-20s and only when I was 32-34. There are many benefits, but I think the most important one that you will come away with is CLARITY. Like you, I have made (different) mistakes that have taken away from my marriageability factor, and having that time away from men and being solely responsible for myself really helped me see what I was doing wrong and what I needed from a man. Good luck to you!

[–]rattamahatta -1 points0 points  (15 children)

Why did you think you would get roasted here? I'm curious because I feel a strong sense of cognitive dissonance reading through your post. You seem to be going back and forth between accepting RPW philosophy and on the surface, assuming full responsibility for the demise of your marriage, and on the other hand, you're implying your husband was never a quality man to begin with, about 'incompatibility' and 'red flags'. On one hand, you said you realize you had to change, on the other hand, you "tried but it didn't work" and you chose the wrong man for a husband. So you didn't change at all and are not assuming responsibility after all. There are many more inconsistencies in your post, I can point at a couple more, if you're interested. TL;DR, you say know you have to change, but you won't. So you stop trying.

What other things have you tried? Have you tried therapy?

[–]tintedlipbalm 4 points5 points  (9 children)

Posters of field reports about failure always worry they'll be roasted. And they would, if they didn't show self-awareness.

I don't see the cognitive dissonance. It's messy, sure. But one can admit to have fucked up big time and still realize he wasn't the whole package either. I think OP is frustrated that she put herself in a position where she can see her only options are men like this. That the men who would go for her (33 year old with two kids from different dads) must not have a lot of choices either. Also, this wasn't her husband nor her marriage.

[–]rattamahatta 0 points1 point  (8 children)

I'm usually very good at picking up subtle clues - but maybe I'm just imagining things. For example, how OP "tried trying" to remain calm, but just couldn't (if her face was still that of a nagging person, she didn't really internalize, she was just trying to pretend). I suspect that OP knows what's wrong with her post and that's why she started it off the way she did. But, again, maybe I'm imagining things. I don't think so, though.

[–]tintedlipbalm 2 points3 points  (7 children)

I think the difference is she know her habits are bad but she's not in the place where she has changed them for good, so everything is just a huge mess. I just thought you might have wanted to read it again since you kept saying this was her husband and she didn't say it was.

[–]rattamahatta 1 point2 points  (6 children)

It doesn't matter if it's her husband or her "life partner whom she lives with and with whom she has a son with". What difference does that make. OP hasn't changed her habits, so maybe (really) changing her habits might help things. That takes a while and since she has only "half-assed" them she might appreciate the perspective.

[–]tintedlipbalm 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I'm really not being passive aggressive, it was a polite suggestion since your whole assessment was based on this being a marriage. Yes, of course she needs to change them for good, and level up so she can have a chance at having a successful relationship.

[–]rattamahatta 1 point2 points  (2 children)

no, my assesment wasn't based in this being a marriage. How would that technicality be even relevant to my point? Yes, OP needs to change. Her post reads to me like "I have tried to stop X, but it didn't help - because I kept doing X". I tried to stop smoking but my skin didn't get any better, because I didn't actually stop.

[–]tintedlipbalm 1 point2 points  (1 child)

IMO being married is relevant. OP has other posts on this guy and examples like giving him financial control of her assets (totally okay within a marriage but it backfired with this man). If this was a 10 year marriage they would have probably been trying harder to stick together.

There was a mod post once saying RPW is not a superglue that would fix all problems. I think this is very important to take into account. OP wasn't perfect, hell, her dating history seems worse now knowing she has racked up a previous divorce and two children now, clearly she has the most responsibility for being in this mess, but no amount of RPWing would make this guy ambitious and financially responsible. They tried to make it work, and it didn't.

It's very important for RPW to be accountable and always strive for improvement. To judge ourselves and what we can give, before judging our SOs and what we want to receive. But it's also important to recognize what you need in order to be able to respect a man. Not all men are captain material and that's also vital to know here.

[–]rattamahatta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see what you're saying, still, OP being married was not relevant to the point I was making, which I will not repeat again. I also see your point about OPs post history, and how this man might indeed not be right for OP, based on that. However, OP didn't seem to be sure, which is understandable, and my comment sought to explore that thought. Thanks for taking the time explaining where you come from.

[–]iwishiwasamermaid[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You're referring to (I think) the moment when his car got reposessed to say I haven't really "changed my habits." My face was dissapointed. Not nagging. And that's what he picked up on. I think even the most submissive of women would struggle to remain stoic when a car is repo'ed for no reason other than the bill was forgotten despite the money being there. I was actually pretty proud of myself for weathering that storm without a meltdown. I did go upstairs and cry privately but he didn't know that. I'm curious where else you note I haven't changed? I don't nag (this actually led to the bills not being paid), I listen thoughtfully, i don't criticize or correct, I thought i was stepping out of his way for him to lead... I offer sex frequently though it is rejected. What I couldn't change were my internal feelings of "Why?! Why won't he help? Where is he? I feel alone." That I couldn't surmount.

[–]rattamahatta 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I totally see your side. Reading through your post history clarified a lot. He might actually be the one needing help.

[–]iwishiwasamermaid[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Well, one of the rpw things that I have seen is choosing someone who is "captain material". I was trying not to talk too negatively about him, but the truth is he goes to class and gets one of the kids on the bus in the morning, that is literally it. Any kind of responsibility is shucked entirely. I have to pay the bills, fix things around the house, maintain cars, work full time, clean, cook, help with homework, bedtime. I am exhausted. So when do you say you made a poor decision in the man you are with? Rpw doesn't mean stay and try and make it work no matter what. I have made substantial effort and changes for a year and we have only drifted further apart and he avoids more and more tasks. I can't take on anymore. I guess I felt I would be roasted for my decisions the whole way. I take responsibility for the man I chose and my angry, critical behavior in the beginning. But there's a point, everyone has a breaking point, where you recognize you made a bad "investment" and more time won't change that.

[–]fhigurethisout 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I'm not saying you can totally repair your marriage, but if you were a control freak or nag all of these years, then he is trained by that.. My mom would do the same thing...control every aspect of our lives then complain that my dad didn't do enough. When he did do stuff, he never did it right. So he essentially stopped trying at all and they got divorced. My mom also used the same tactics on my sister and i. No one wanted to do chores because she's the critical type. Didn't stack this right, didnt fold this right, etc etc. Helping out meant being at the expense of her bad mood and hard to please attitude. So it was easier to disappear in your room for a while, while she stormed around the house upset at everyone lol.

Anyway, you are smart though and see the wisdom in changing yourself. But now, you decide to hand him off bills etc. You start expecting more from him. But you have changed your roles and he doesn't know how to handle it. It's bound to be a really rough start. In a sense, it's controlling to even expect him to change just because you step down! This should have nothing to do with him...jist you and your reactions to life.

I agree with Tempest. Do monk mode for yourself. Do not nag or criticize, get rid of that. Don't have expectations of him "improving" or whatever, that has nothing to do with this...just focus on yourself.

[–]iwishiwasamermaid[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

It's been about a year I think since I started applying rpw/submissive wife. I don't nag or criticize. I'm not sure what a fair timeline is to give this. :/

[–]fhigurethisout 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure either, sorry. It's a huge transition to go from 4 years of one set of relationship dynamics, to a whole new set of dynamics. Relationships are fragile and people don't forget the past too easily.

Anyway, stay focused on yourself, you have the right idea.