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FIELD REPORTFR: Follow the leader (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Aholahi

AMAZING learning lessons from time spent with a (close) elder during her visit. Here are the 10 main points I took away from her visit:

  1. Cooking, constantly. The old saying that a way to a man's heart is through is stomach is TRUE. We were constantly in a state of preparing a meal, cleaning up a meal, discussing options for the next meal, or shopping for groceries. I have never cooked so much in my life. Granted, these were not big extravagant or expensive dishes, but she was sure to have a table set and ready for the men at every meal. WITHOUT EXCEPTION. When the men woke early to work, she was up before them, preparing coffee and a light breakfast (as per their wishes). She always sat with them as they ate. They would eat, thank her, and go about their work. She never complained once about dishes or cleaning up and she insisted on doing all of it (I was helping and trading with her of course) but the men did not cook or clean at all. Not at all. I mentioned, don't you wish they would help us? And she looked at me, completely puzzled, and said "they have much more important things to do than dishes. A woman that insists her husband to do dishes will have a house that falls apart."

  2. Look pretty and be proud. She always looked put together, even when she was spending the day at home. She might be wearing house clothes (she saved her clothes for going out or staying in, each outfit had a purpose) but she was always neat and tidy. Note, she was not always wearing makeup, but her face would be clean and hair brushed, etc. When she was going out, she would make sure to change clothes and touch up makeup and hair and when it was a dinner out, she dressed very nice and presented herself in a "look at me" fashion to the men. I was floored. She wanted attention and got it and frankly, deserved it! She wanted to dress for her man and wasn't shy about revealing the finished product. I should note that she would literally hold her arms out and prance into the room, twirl around, and say in a grand fashion: I am ready! I had not seen that before. There is nothing wrong with being proud of your appearance and getting due attention from your man, even if you call it to yourself!

  3. Home is the heart of the family. She made sure that the home was where everyone could be comfortable and relax. She didn't make a big deal out of any daily tasks and she was constantly keeping things nice, but not in a way that seemed like "work". I mentioned that I don't care for doing laundry, that it's so boring, and again, I was met with a look of surprise. "I like laundry. It's relaxing and it smells good." It was her POSITIVE ATTITUDE that made every task more pleasant!!! She also said that leisure is "a change of activities" and if she was tired of cleaning, she would begin laundry, or dusting. Also, she never made any comment if the men were working or relaxing. What they did was up to them, entirely. If they were sprawled on the sofa, she went about her work without passing judgement on them. I found that yes, they did relax, but they worked a lot more because she had created a space where everyone was free to do as they thought best, and a good man will get so much done, given the encouragement and space to lead!

  4. Let him decide. She offered her opinion when asked and never more than that. It was such a relaxing way to deal with potential stress. I asked her once, "what do you think they should do?" referring to a problem that had come up, and she responded "they will decide." For her, it wasn't a point of discussion what they would decide because it was the MEN that made those decisions. She had her own decisions to make that she spent her energy on, not the decisions of others.

  5. Stay busy. She has all sorts of little hobbies that she engages in to stay busy and occupy her mind. She frequently phoned her daughter to catch up, she loved browsing her favorite shops online, she liked to have the tv turned to her favorite drama while she chopped vegetables, she was reading a literature classic, and she was well informed of the news. She wasn't gossiping or bothering the men with small talk. She kept her mind focused on positive activities.

  6. Taking things as spoken. She never tried to qualify statements. You could be upset about something, and say that you were not upset (an example), and she would respond, OK, and she wouldn't say anything else. If she asked if she could go shopping, and the men said yes, she didn't ask what stores, or how long, or any of that, she said thank you! (kisses) and went on her way. I think this came from well-developed sense of self. She didn't feel it necessary to involve herself in petty issues or engage in lengthy chats- she went about her own business.

  7. Smile and be nice. She is nice to everyone but not in an over the top way. She says hello, smiles, and goes about her own business when she sees someone she doesn't like but that's it. No discussion about that person, she just moves on with her life. She was firm about boundaries and I didn't see her agree to anything that she didn't want to do. She would politely say, Thank you for the invitation and she would simply decline. She was protective of her own time and energy.

  8. Rest. She rested when she was tired without complaint or excuses. She would simply say, I'm going to lie down for a bit, and excused herself. I found this fascinating. I usually feel guilty for wanting to read during the day or go to bed early, etc, but that's wholly unnecessary.

  9. Compliments, not criticism. She consistently encouraged the men and showed interest in their work and in their stories. She wasn't taking over the conversation or asking a bunch of questions. She was engaged and listening, smiling when appropriate, and showed genuine interest. She loves getting attention and she consistently got the positive attention back from the men in her life simply by being so pleasant.

  10. Good friends. She has a very close and closed group of friends (only two real friends and her daughter) and she is proud of it. I mentioned my dislike of my neighbor (this woman frequently tries to hit on my husband in front of me) and she was quick to say to always smile and say hello, but to never let that woman set a foot in my house or to attend or invite her to any function. She said some women are snakes and they cannot ever be trusted or allowed to see or sense any weakness in a marriage and we must guard our marriage and our men against women like that. She said, don't let her see you in a messy state or let your husband enter her home. At first I felt she was being over dramatic, but the more I thought about it, she is right. It is very important to guard our private lives and be careful with whom we allow into our inner circles. Good woman may be hard to come by but it's much much better to have one or two close girlfriends than try and keep a large circle.

Long FR but I hope this was interesting to you ladies! It certainly made me see things a bit differently and I am thankful for the lessons she shared!


[–]Borsao66 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If it's not too doxxy.... what country?

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Aside from a few minor details, you're describing my grandmother.

My grandparents got married smack in middle of the 50's. They had extremely defined gender roles that never budged.

Everyone today can hate on 50's marriages all they want, but I've never seen a marriage with so much love and respect as my grandparents.

[–]MonsteraDeliciosa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lovely!

[–]TheItalianHousewife 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is a truly wonderful post. Thank you for this. <3

[–]Aholahi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! This is such a great community and I'm so glad I found this safe space to grow as a woman and as a wife.

[–]QueenBee126 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was such a helpful FR! I was nodding and smiling throughout. OP you are very lucky to have such a great MIL; she will be a great resource throughout your marriage. Hopefully you two will become close friends as well!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I should note that she would literally hold her arms out and prance into the room, twirl around, and say in a grand fashion: I am ready! I had not seen that before.

Do you think being this "cocky" about your appearance upsets other women and makes you a target for catty behavior? Does she just prance in the presence of family? That I think is understandable.

She never tried to qualify statements. You could be upset about something, and say that you were not upset (an example), and she would respond, OK, and she wouldn't say anything else.

As women, we tend to more readily pick up on the emotional state's of others, do you think it shows a lack of caring/empathy to accept someone's verbal response "I'm fine," when they look clearly not fine (i.e. bloodshot eyes)? I'm asking because I try to ignore nonverbals for my own mental peace, but sometimes feel it's callous of me to pretend I don't know someone's upset because they haven't told me, or they lied when I asked about it.

[–]Aholahi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Showing off was just in front of us at home. She only did it when we were going somewhere really nice, not a constant attention thing. She picked and chooses what to respond to. For example, if it was appropriate to ask further or show sympathy, she certainly does that and more! But she doesn't meddle- at all! Very refreshing.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

I found this so interesting! Lots of good ideas and tips for any woman. What sort of relation is this woman to you and how long did you stay with her, if you don't mind my asking?

[–]Aholahi[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

She is my MIL :) She actually stayed with us but when she is here, I follow her lead completely as a sign of respect and it actually begins to feel like her home rather than my own because she is in charge. Her and my FIL stayed with us in our home for a month.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Another fellow woman who loves her MIL! Mine is just wonderful, I learn so much from her all the time. She is a treasure.