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THEORYDealing with jealousy (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor

Before we start, let's get one thing out of the way: there are a lot of reasons why people cheat, and some of them cannot be controlled by you or your actions. Some people will cheat because they find the idea sexy. Some will cheat because they feel uncomfortable in a monogamous relationship. We are going to assume that you are not currently in a relationship with someone like one of these people (or if you are with the latter, then that you're comfortable with consentual non-monogamy), because if you are, then there is likely nothing you can do that will prevent a partner cheating on you.

So let's say you're in a relationship with someone you've vetted well, and who you don't think is going to cheat on you, at least 97% of the time. Well, what do you do when jealousy starts creeping in? When you see him talking to his cute coworker, when you notice his ex from 10 years ago liking his pictures on facebook, when you realize he's texting a female friend about something or other?

I'm going to bet that the majority of the time, your first instinct, after that initial punch of jealousy, is to draw away, to secretly "punish" him for this as a means of gaining power over your insecurity. More likely than not, you're going to want to shit-test him, maybe stop talking as much, sulk, pout, become cold, or any other number of negative things. I'm not judging, most of us have been there before. But the thing to remember is that the more you act cold or try to punish him for a percieved misstep, the more you will push him away, and the more you could end up leading him exactly where your jealous insecurity initially imagined things going.

Now let me be clear -- if you genuinely suspect that your partner is cheating on you, that's a completely different story, and calls for a completely different set of guidelines. But if all you're dealing with is, essentially, a hamster run wild with baseless fears, then what follows is meant for you.

So here you are, walking out of a store with your boyfriend where he ran into an ex and gave her a hug. Uh-oh! You're feeling jealous and possessive. What do you do about it? Do you give into your first instinct, give him the cold shoulder on the ride home, and sulk all through dinner? If your answer is "yes" ... girl you have a lot of work to do.

What to do when you feel jealous:

The number one thing to do is to neutralize the initial feeling. This is the one that is definitely the hardest to do. But try to think about the good things the two of you have together, the fact that he picked you and not this other person, and other such things. Redirect your mind into something else, and especially something positive. If you didn't catch yourself quickly enough and realize that you were acting rudely, apologise. There is no shame in saying, "I'm sorry I was being cold, I felt a little jealous when I saw Whatshername." And then, after you've done that, go back to your normal self, and do not make it a habit of acting poorly then apologising afterwards. If you do, then your apologies will eventually become meaningless.

So you've successfully escaped the difficult Ex At The Store scenario. Now what? What happens every other time you run into a situation that brings your insecurity to the forefront? Neutralizing the initial feeling is great, but it isn't a longterm solution.

The longterm solution is to work on yourself. If you love yourself, if you realize the amount of worth you bring to a relationship, and if you're comfortable -- absolutely and completely -- with yourself, then you will find your insecurity and jealousy will not come up as often. Always ensure that you are a well-rounded person. This means that you should not only work on improving one aspect of yourself, but all of them. Do you have a great ass from all the squats you do? That's awesome! But a great ass doesn't make a great person. Always strive to improve yourself intellectually, physically, and creatively -- this means you should try to have one hobby that fits into each category: read books, work out, play music; learn a language, kickbox, paint ... the possibilities are endless. All too often, people think that because they're quite successful in one or two of these areas, that they can neglect the other(s). This isn't the case. Self-improvement is the one place where you should never neglect things. And the more you work on yourself, the comfortable and confident you will be -- meaning fewer "maybe Marcia in Marketing is going to steal my man", because if you bring everything he wants to the table, he may look, but a good man isn't going to touch.

Last but not least:

When you're feeling jealous, be better.

"I was planning on baking my boyfriend a cake, but I saw him looking at Cashier Carol's butt, so now I'm not going to!"

NO, stop this. If you start feeling your jealousy and insecurity coming in, use it as an opportunity to treat your partner. Do something extra nice for him, make him feel even more loved and appreciated than usual. He will notice. Why would you want to do this? Because the more you give to him, the more he will want to give to you. Because by withdrawing affection, you will cause him to seek it elsewhere. Will this happen right away? No, probably not. But it will eventually, and then the only person you'll have to blame for him running to Painter Patricia is yourself.

tl;dr don't punish your partner for something he didn't do; work on yourself; kill your jealousy with acts of kindness and love.


[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I love this advice.

The core of jealousy is fear and insecurity and both of those are internal. This is great because it means we are capable of changing them ourselves without rocking the relationship boat (I refuse to engage with that pun :-P).

I find that if I ask myself "do I think he'll leave me / cheat on me" that the answer is always a firm 'no'. If the answer is 'yes' then the jealousy is your guts way of telling you to get out of a relationship. However, it seems like most people here answer "no" when they are bringing this question up. If the answer is no then it's necessary to reign in the hamster.

if you bring everything he wants to the table, he may look, but a good man isn't going to touch.

Yeah, men aren't stupid. Men come in here regularly wanting to know where they find women like us. If you are the best version of yourself (even if you are just working to be the best version of yourself) then a good man isn't going to want to risk going back on to the market.

If however, a woman is constantly insecure and worried that he'll cheat - he may start to think that he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

[–]anniix3 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Very well said. Although I must point out at times it's hard to not detach and give space - not as a form of punishment - but as a form of rationalizing what exactly is going on internally. Once that can be done, you are better equipped at neutralizing your jealousy and feelings. It's a practice that's easier said than done but it's possible. I also believe that it takes time to earn trust, so as long as you are reciprocating the earning in return. The only issue that can run into it is if the man is used to doing things a certain way so he doesn't see an issue with certain behaviors (i.e., chatting with other females who might have other intentions than being friends but he still continues to communicate because he is kind and sweet). In that case, I think it's best to state your position, give him the safe space to voice his (that is, without interrupting, with little judgement, etc) and in turn reach a conclusion that respects the sanctity of the relationship.

[–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a great comment, I agree with everything you've said here!

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Very good post. IMO, this is worthy of another star u/pearlsandstilettos

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I was thinking exactly the same thing!!

[–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

:D Why thanks, you two!

[–]zilsbebechan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this. Thank you so much. I have more or less the same idea but I interpreted in another way. I was thinking it is okay to get hurt by your partner sometimes and don’t feel too down by it, always remember what other positive things he has bring in my life. Don’t get too focused on one bad thing. and if I could succeed not to give him a bad time cause of something he did, I win in another way. By focusing on one hurt he gave unintentionally, I might ruin the bigger good things we have.

[–]Spazzy19 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I should send this to my SO because he struggles with this topic. I am accustomed to having male friends, do MMA (two of my exes go to the same place but it’s not awkward anymore and all of us have moved on), etc. There is no romantic or sexual interest there, but he’s not comfortable with me really interacting with anyone with whom I’ve been previously intimate.

We’re working on the issue together, but Lord can he hamster and fall down the well of imaginative assumptions.

I like your recommendations, thanks!

[–]Waterboo2 -1 points0 points  (21 children)

I think it can be a sign that he lacks self control if he needs to stare at every bosom or behind, this isn’t a good thing because this can lead to cheating down the road. I dated a guy who openly ogled other women and was told “it’s just what guys do”, and he ended up cheating on me. I’ve dated other guys who didn’t ogle, and they didn’t cheat. I have a hard time believing there’s no connection between the two.

Sometimes when something stirs jealousy in you, there is a valid reason. There is a huge difference between getting jealous over polite talk with a female coworker vs. him blatantly ogling someone in public. One is respectful, the other is rude. I also don’t think it’s appropriate to hug exes. There is no way I would ever hug an ex in front of my current partner. It’s about respect.

Also, maybe I’m misunderstanding but is non-monogamy considered red pill? I didn’t know that. I feel like non-monogamy is a very liberal construct.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 7 points8 points  (5 children)

I’ve dated other guys who didn’t ogle,

In front of you.

They looked. If they had a healthy sex drive, they looked. In fact, male eyes are naturally drawn to boobs and butts, it takes a conscious effort to not look in that direction (if that's what you want).

To assume that looking at a woman's boobs or butt is what leads to cheating is a gross mistake. The opposite is true - a person who's up to cheating will likely look more than the average guy. All men look, the wise ones try to hide this fact from you because why poke your insecurities?

Also, maybe I’m misunderstanding but is non-monogamy considered red pill? I didn’t know that. I feel like non-monogamy is a very liberal construct.

TRP is amoral. TRP is a bunch of facts about inter-gender relationships. You can do whatever you want with the knowledge.

There's also a big difference between different types of non-monogamy, a difference in the reactions and consequences that will result. Hint - polygamy was common practice across the ages, cultures, religions and geographic locations. However, female adultery was treated very harshly in these very societies. The idea of marriage being one man and one woman is primarily a Christian idea, but that's a whole other can of worms 🙂

I think u/kittenloves_ displays a very good understanding of human nature in this post, that's why I recommended a star. I'm happy that this recommendation was fulfilled.

[–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

In fairness, I do think there is a difference between outright ogling -- leering or staring for a long period of time -- and just looking. Just looking is perfectly normal. Everyone has a tendency to look at people who look good, no matter the gender. Demanding someone not look at all is kind of ridiculous! But on the other hand, if your partner is actively ogling other women, in a way that's clearly disrespectful, then that's a problem. Likewise for a woman in a relationship actively ogling other men. It's disrespectful to the partner, and uncomfortable for the person being ogled.

There's also a big difference between different types of non-monogamy

Exactly. Non-monogamy doesn't need to mean an open relationship where both partners actively date/sleep around with other people. It can, and if that's their thing, good for them :P But spinning plates is non-monogamy, threesomes are non-monogamy, etc etc.

I think u/kittenloves_ displays a very good understanding of human nature in this post

Thank you! :)

[–]Waterboo2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

if your partner is actively ogling other women, in a way that's clearly disrespectful, then that's a problem.

Exactly. I can’t believe anyone who treats their partner respectfully would even argue against this point. I’m also not sure why lonlinessinc is agreeing with your post, but not mine, since the main messages were both the same. Very odd..

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely!

That's why most men try to look away when their wives are around. There's no need to poke her insecurities. Women often feel insecure when their men look at other women. Even though it's natural to look, most men try to rise above this nature as much as possible to benefit their marriages.

The fact that you have internalized the idea that it's natural to look, places you at a great advantage for success in your relationship!

Exactly. Non-monogamy doesn't need to mean an open relationship where both partners actively date/sleep around with other people. It can, and if that's their thing, good for them :P But spinning plates is non-monogamy, threesomes are non-monogamy, etc etc.

👌

As we always say here - TRP is a toolbox, use them as you see fit.

[–]sat_ta 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well said!

Hint - polygamy was common practice across the ages, cultures, religions and geographic locations.

It still is in many parts of the world! It works well together with red pill principles, albeit it's non-monogamous. I shared a bit of insight a few weeks ago. It's not liberal, it's conservative in my case.

[–]Waterboo2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re putting words in my mouth. I don’t care if a guy ogles women when I’m not around, how would I even know if he’s doing it if I’m not there? It is assumed that I meant what he does when his partner is present, why would I know what he does when he’s out with the guys or at the gym? I wouldn’t know and I wouldn’t care. The whole point is having respect and self control around your partner to not stare at every woman. And I still believe it to be true that men who ogle some women’s boobs right in front of you are more likely to cheat. I believe I even saw a study about it a while ago. It’s because men who constantly ogle others lack a certain self control, which makes cheating more likely.

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Non-monogamy is neither recommended nor rejected.

Accepting the world as it is means that different women will have different types of relationships.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 3 points4 points  (13 children)

I feel like non-monogamy is a very liberal construct.

Non-monogamy isn't liberal or conservative. Consider who primarily currently practice the most visible form of it (1 man multiple wives): Mormons & Muslims. Would you call either of those groups liberal?

Also, non-monogamy is very, very broad. It covers everything from swingers, polygamists, polyandrists, the polyamory crowd, free lovers, cuckolding, and - at the non-consensual end of the spectrum - cheaters and sexual thrillseekers.

All of these forms of sexual relationships have been, and will be, practiced by various liberal and conservative folk because they aren't political, they're social. Social values change from year to year, decade to decade. Example: in the US, free speech used to be a core liberal/Democrat value. Now they crusade against it and it's a conservative/libertarian one.

Non-monogamy in all of its forms isn't political, it's social. When you're talking about the contracted, permanent-relationship-types of non-monogamy, they currently tend to be practiced by the more conservative types. Whereas the open sociosexual forms of it (swingers, free love) tend to be practiced by liberals. But there's plenty of overlap.

[–][deleted]  (12 children)

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    [–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 3 points4 points  (8 children)

    The idea of "swinging" and non-monogamy has a history much, much longer than "American hippies".

    The typical conservative American is Christan. You'd be hard-pressed to find a very religious person who's interested in what you're describing. But equating it, as a result, to liberalism or "being poor" or whatever other nonsense is more than a little ridiculous, and very unneccessarily judgemental.

    [–]Waterboo2 -1 points0 points  (7 children)

    I think you might be some kind of outlier if you are non monogamous and not poor or Uber liberal. It is more common with poor people and the uneducated. Cheating and women giving birth to children whose fathers are completely absent, or “who is the father?” paternity cases, are also more common in lower, uneducated classes. This is related to non-monogamy because there is social disorder that occurs in lower classes. These issues are less likely to affect the wealthy and educated for various reasons.

    [–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children)

    Non-monogamy is not just "cheating" or "having lots of partners". And if you think that conservatives or rich people don't cheat, you're sorely mistaken.

    The fact that you dislike non-monogamy is fine. No one here is trying to force you into it. But trying to lump it in with a bunch of other things you happen to dislike, because you watched some show about "white trash swingers" and think hippies are gross isn't a particularly good or useful argument.

    [–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    Right, television isn't a good check of reality because it's meant to be entertainment. No one should be basing their ideas RP or BP off of what they see on tv.

    [–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    But successful television shows are often successful because they accurately reflect and amplify real life.

    That's why people often quote TV shows as if it's fact. It's annoying as hell but people do it. (Took me years to figure this out).

    [–]Waterboo2 0 points1 point  (3 children)

    Non-monogamy and cheating are not the same things, no. That’s not what I meant. I meant that they are both symptoms of social disorder, and social disorder is more likely among lower classes and liberals.

    [–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    I fail to see how that is a symptom of social disorder. Care to explain?

    [–]Waterboo2 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    With all due respect, I don’t think we are ever going to agree on this, but oh well, here goes: Basically, a well-functioning society is based on order and structure. When you bring in non-monogamy and people who cheat, the social order is ruined and becomes more chaotic and difficult to maintain. Ever wonder why the hippie era in the 60’s was a fringe movement and didn’t take over society? It’s because it lacked structure and order.. social disorder.

    [–]KittenLoves_Endorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    The society you want to live in sounds very boring ;)

    You're right, I doubt we'll ever agree on this. Thanks for being open to discussing it nonetheless.

    [–]LateralThinker133 Stars 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    As for Mormon culture, I find it to be very strange because of how segregated they are, so I don’t even consider it.

    Perhaps you should consider it. Because both polygamist Mormons and polygamist Muslims self-segregate due to the social, and legal/criminal, pressures on them if they practice polygamy. And yet there are millions* of each. Neither is a small, token presence in the States.

    *millions in the total population, not millions who are polygamist. Not sure there are reliable estimates of the portion of the populations that are polygamist.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

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      [–]LateralThinker133 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Didn't say I agree with Islam. I personally think it's pure cancer. But that doesn't mean it's not a conservative example of non-monogamy.

      Don't close your mind so fast; your brain is not going to fall out of your head.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Jealousey is lack of trust. Its that simple. Feeling insecure? Try harder.