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[FIELD REPORT][Field Report] My Red Pill Paradigm Shift - Who Knew *I* Would Be Happier? (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by GeekCreek

Sorry for text wall! Just some things I've been thinking lately.

My husband and I are/were happily married - we never had any troubles that I thought were endangering our relationship or making us unhappy, besides the "everyday irritations of married life". Still, when I found RPW (by way of TRP) it struck a chord in me and I started trying to implement some of the principles into every day life.

The first big one was getting out of his way so he could lead. I'll admit it ladies: I'm a planner. I had to have a plan. We had to stick to the plan. I got grumpy if I say we should leave by 5:30 and we leave at 5:45. My husband is NOT a planner. He doesn't care when we leave and he would never get upset if we forgot a toothbrush or if he brought the wrong pair of jeans, but the poor man has had to bear more than his share of adult-flavored temper tantrums of me fuming away and snapping at him when we don't leave at my predetermined time.

So the first lesson was learning to let go and let husband (hah.) I'd ask him when he wanted to leave, and then I'd do my very best to make that happen. And if we rolled out 15 minutes late? No big deal. I swear I could FEEL the relief wash over him the first time we were running late to a function and I shrugged and said "No big deal - it's not like they'll close the doors on us/we'll only miss the previews/those specific friends always run late too." And I tried to carry that over into other things - I no longer try to take the lead on what to order at a restaurant, what to do over the weekend, where to go, and all the other decisions that come up. He's my #1 resource on our career and life decisions. I ask for his opinion and stick by it, no matter what. (That one day I pigged out on snacks at the office and wanted a healthy, light dinner, but when I asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said the heavy homemade pizzas I had lined up for later in the week? Pizza it is, love.) I've almost totally taken over the grocery shopping and cooking (as far as practical - we still eat out once or twice a week when we're both too weary and it's too late to cook).

But the biggest shift in the way I view things so far has been when we went out to lunch with my family over the weekend. Husband gets the week off between Christmas and New Year's while the rest of us have to work, and over lunch my mom heard this and perked up. "Oh that's wonderful! Husband can have the house cleaned up and ALL the chores done so you don't have to do anything when you get home!" That's not the first time she's said that, either. She said the same thing to him when he got the day after Thanksgiving off.

I didn't tell her off at the table. I just smiled and calmly said that I didn't expect him to do any of that on his days off. I later explained to him how her comment pissed me off. My husband works HARD for our living, and we live well thanks to his paycheck. He's often overtired during the week, he has a long commute, and I know his work can be monotonous. All I expected of him during that week off was that he enjoy himself in whatever way he felt appropriate, and that he return to work in the new year feeling revitalized and refreshed and relaxed. Her comment that he clean the house because he had some spare time was totally unnecessary and inappropriate, and he was SO grateful that I felt differently than my mom. I could tell he was really touched and appreciative of my point of view.

I know where I got my old "neo-feminist" ideas about marriage from - they came directly from my family. My mother (love her dearly, she is my mom) is very Type A - must have everything in the house SPOTLESS, she's a numbers lady who stresses over finances and details. My dad is a total Type B, creative type, messy, unorganized, carefree. I have no idea how they've made their awkward beta relationship last all these years. My mom is very controlling, and in the past 3 years or so that we've lived closely (used to live further away) I've not heard my mom say 3 positive things about my father that didn't involve something tasty that he cooked. SERIOUSLY once a week or so I'll hear something about how my dad has messed something up, underperformed, not done something, or in general just been a lazy ass or a womanizer. (Gee I wonder why.)

The week before husband and I got married, their drama imploded and I got a long email from my dad about how my mom is basically frigid and that's why he drinks (and on the other side, lots and lots of criticism from my mom about how my father was choosing to spend time with younger women. No clue about any infidelity, but I honestly wouldn't say I blamed him at this point.) The disgust that accompanied the airing of my parent's problem was really what lubricated the swallowing of the female red pill for me. I never, EVER wanted my marriage to end up like that - sexless, loveless, and without respect. And for the past few months I've begun the transformation of every time I find myself saying something to my husband that I think my own mother might say, I take a step back and ask "is this what a first mate would do?" When the answer is no (and it always is when I'm having to ask that question), I get back on track.

I'm not perfect, and I'm just starting this journey, (and I know I have a LOT to learn) but the biggest surprise to me was how much happier I'VE become. I'm sure my husband is happier, that was always the plan: but for me to be happier by doing what my old self would have considered "less"? I'm not as angry all the time, I'm certainly short with my husband less, we've had more affectionate moments and an improved sex life, and in general we're less tense. I'm less upset with the small things he does that used to annoy me, and in turn he's more relaxed around me and happier in general now that he feels more "free" to be his own person instead of someone always tip toeing around my landmine quirks or demands.

So thanks. I'm still quite a lurker trying to learn and implement, and I know these subs get a lot of flak (thus the RP-only account) - but there's stuff here worth knowing, no matter if you'd ever step out into the wide world telling people about RP and its benefits. I truly think there's something to benefit every relationship in here.


[–]ArchwingerTRP Vanguard 24 points25 points  (1 child)

So many people (mostly detractors of the red pill) act like being a supportive, grateful wife is some kind of sacrifice a woman makes to try to make her insecure abusive man happy. Being an excellent wife to a good husband makes the wife every bit as happy as her husband, if not moreso.

[–]GeekCreek[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This! The first thing I took away from RP was to stop being so freaking selfish. It wasn't my husband's responsibility to make me happy by dancing around my whims and demands. It was my job to nurture a peaceful environment for the both of us, and that involved first just getting off his back about as many things as I could: his driving, his chore-doing, his schedule, so on.

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 17 points18 points  (2 children)

That one day I pigged out on snacks at the office and wanted a healthy, light dinner, but when I asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner and he said the heavy homemade pizzas I had lined up for later in the week? Pizza it is, love.

Don't forget that providing an opinion of your own can be a good thing, provided you are just giving the opinion for his consideration and not a demand disguised as a suggestion. There will come times when you have information that he doesn't or feel strongly about something, and an important lesson to learn is how to communicate your own thoughts and needs in a respectful and non-controlling way.

[–]ColdEiric 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Bakerofpie's comment needs to highlighted.

If you can be someone to whom it is dangerous not to listen to, then be useful to him, and say what you think might help him.

Guys don't consider some girls worth keeping due to random or arbitrary reasons.

[–]GeekCreek[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're both absolutely right: I've always tried to keep in mind the General/Lieutenant analogy - actually the Picard/Riker reference has always struck a chord with me :D. I know my husband doesn't want a doormat, nor does he want to make all the decisions himself (or have to tell me all the time what to do, that would be just as annoying.) If I feel strongly about something, I know he would want to take that into consideration as well as any important information I might have.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No big deal

Magic marriage saving words

[–]MikeMangum 4 points5 points  (1 child)

in turn he's more relaxed around me and happier in general now that he feels more "free" to be his own person instead of someone always tip toeing around my landmine quirks or demands.

As someone who has been in this situation, it's like an incredible weight being lifted off of your shoulders when you don't have to walk around on eggshells. I didn't realize how bad it was until my (now ex) wife left town for a trip and I felt so much more relaxed without her around. It is the major reason she is my ex.

[–]GeekCreek[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel a little ashamed now of the times I really wigged out and started some unnecessary argument with Mr. GeekCreek now that I've woken up to it a bit. Thankfully I don't think we ever got to the point where he'd feel relief if I went out of town, but I'm extremely glad that I've caught it at this stage and can work on stopping any further incidences of unnecessary freak-outs.

[–]muliebritee 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The disgust that accompanied the airing of my parent's problem was really what lubricated the swallowing of the female red pill for me. I never, EVER wanted my marriage to end up like that - sexless, loveless, and without respect.

Same for me. My parents are split and not on good terms, but it pushed me in this direction. I don't regret that at all.

This was a great field report to read btw. I like that you work toward relieving tension instead of creating it. I'm also trying to chill out about the "little things" :)

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]GeekCreek[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're quite right. If you saw me on the street, you'd probably go "Oh my gosh, look at that crazy feminist-looking B. I wonder if she's a lesbian..." :p

Edit: that's a bit overdramatic - I'm not all pierced up or mannish, but I'm not a paragon of femininity. Husband loves the way I look, and I hope that if he ever grew tired of my hair/wardrobe that he'd say so. I like changing up my look and hair every few years, and I think we're both enjoying the novelty of this phase.

[–]ColdEiric 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Are you still a planner? Have you dropped that part of your personality or do you nowadays plan with your husbands words as the centerpiece of your plan?

[–]GeekCreek[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

"Not being a planner" has been a really slow process. I'm much better than I was a month ago, and MUCH better than I was a year ago. What I'm trying to avoid entirely is operating under the illusion of "not being a planner" and letting my husband "define" the plan while still being manic about the details. To my understanding, that's not RP - (giving the "illusion of control" but still retaining it as a wife).

My husband is generally uninterested in planning things like vacations or trips where we have to calculate costs, best time to go, and spend a few hours searching for accommodation. He likes to have input about where and the type of place we stay as well as the big activities we do, but he's more than happy to turn over the details of crawling Trip Adviser or AirBnB for residence reviews to me. So in that aspect, I may need to continue to be a planner for those things he wants to turn over to me - but as far as getting upset when there's not a plan in place because he doesn't care for one? No, that doesn't bother me any more. We recently took a weekend trip where we booked a hotel the night before and didn't plan a single activity - that would have driven me crazy a year ago, but now it's not a big deal.

This is a bit of a gray area for me, and something I'm working on understanding better - how the role of planning and executing should be handled in those areas where the husband is uninterested or dislikes that activity.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are things I don't care about that I'm happy to defer to my wife.

In your situation, I'd think that plans are great as long as they're fluid and don't cause unnecessary stress. If you like plans and your husband is ambivalent, see how he feels about you making a loose plan and trying to follow it.

[–]dan7888 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i just pasted this to my GF. I'm sure she will resent it, but it is with good intent.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

[–]GeekCreek[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Imagine that, right?? ;)