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DISCUSSIONSAHWs and housework (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by LaneysWorld2

I got into a heated argument with my cousin because I believe a SAHW who doesn't have any kind of side job should have no problem doing all chores on her own, even more so before becoming a mother. If your husband spends all day at work only to come home to wash the dishes you failed at doing your part in my opinion.

Your thoughts? Maybe I'm the one who's wrong, are there any SAHWs and SAHMs here facing similar problems?


[–]jowensphoto 48 points49 points  (2 children)

It's an argument I've never understood. Housework is MY JOB, especially during the school year when DD isn't home all day. There are certain tasks DH has to handle in order for me to uphold my end (ie, the kitchen sink started leaking today so I can't physically wash the few dishes in there), but I stay home in order to take care of my family in a way I couldn't before quitting my office job. That includes cleaning, cooking, laundry, scheduling, etc.

If he's working 8-9 hour days, I should be putting in just as much effort. It's not demeaning for me to do housework just because I'm a woman. If I were the breadwinner, and he stayed home, I'd expect the same.

[–]LaneysWorld2[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

May I ask how much time you spend on daily housework? Are there days when it's more or less time?

[–]jowensphoto 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oh sure, I mean it can only get so clean right? Lol

I've been slacking this summer, but a typical school day I'm up at 6 to pack Dds lunch and get her breakfast ready and have a little me time. She's at school by 745, then I work out/walk the dog for an hour or so, then get to cleaning which typically includes a couple dishes, laundry, sweep/mop, bathroom and general pick up. That usually takes me up til 1:30 (so 7.5 hours in). I usually stop to eat, maybe watch an episode of a show, then it's time for pick up at school.

We get home around 3:10, I start figuring out dinner and get DD a snack/do homework/play outside. Dinner is usually ready around 5:30. Then it's bath time, another walk for the dog and any little leftover stuff from the day. That takes us to about 8:30.

Some days there's literally nothing to do; I use that time to catch up on any business (self employed) projects or PTO tasks.

Next year will be a lot different since I'm sub teaching part time, but it should be manageable.

[–]regularforcesmedic 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I was a SAHM without a job and absolutely agree. That said, when DH is home, it should not be his personal mission to be a careless oaf who leaves behind a mess everywhere he goes. He should pick up after himself and if he is doing a messy task, he should take care to clean as he goes and not make life harder on anyone else. Simple courtesy.

[–]Theflowerswillbloom 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Before I became a SAHM, I was a housewife for a while. Honestly - I found it very easy and was grateful to my husband for suggesting it for us for a time. I did a few household chores each day, spent some time on my hobbies, and baked/cooked him nice things from scratch. I knew that I had things very easy, so it would have felt wrong to expect dh to do things when he got home. My mil was a little appalled that I didn't ask him to clean up from dinner because that's how he was rasied, but it worked well for us.

I am now a SAHM and have always still enjoyed doing most things around the home. There have been times where my husband has helped more - during pregnancy morning (or rather all day) sickness, when our toddler was a fussy newborn, and at points throughout this pregnancy as I've had complications. I never take advantage of him, and am very thankful that he will help me when I need it.

I think that if you're a housewife or SAHM, there is such importance in seeing the value in your role. It will bring joy and help you to do your best. Dh goes out to work, whereas my work is at home. I also love for my husband to come home to a haven as much as possible; he works extremely hard and I want to make his life as easy as possible.

[–]LaneysWorld2[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Creating a haven for him to come home to sounds beautiful!

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I’m a stay-at-home Mom but that doesn’t mean my husband does no housework or child rearing. If that were the case, then that would mean he works an 8 hour day and my day is 24 hours.

Now, do I do the bulk of the housekeeping? Yes, but there are a few chores (like cleaning the litter, breaking up the cardboard recycling, and taking out the garbage) that are his responsibility. I also expect a little courtesy on his part, such as not making a huge mess in the kitchen for me to clean up.

[–]thatbadlarry 13 points14 points  (0 children)

We’ve always done at 80/20 with whoever stays home with kids doing the lion’s share and the working partner helping out. It works well for us. Right now I’m the breadwinner and he’s home with the kids. I would never expect him to do absolutely EVERYTHING while being the hands-on dad. I have no problem helping out with chores after coming home after a shift because I know he’s been working hard parenting as well as cooking and cleaning. I would never say that he failed at his (difficult) job being home with the kids because I had to put a few dishes away. Now, if he was home scratching his balls all day playing video games while our kids did nothing but watching TV and eating junk - and then I had to come home and clean - I wouldn’t be a happy camper. But I know he is more than pulling his weight so I’m fine to pitch in. That’s what a partnership is.

[–]HappyHowly 8 points9 points  (8 children)

I think this is really fair. I stay at home, and our kids are pets, so not near as demanding as human babies, and I have no problem doing all the housework. The only things I don't do are jobs involving heavy lifting, such as bringing in the patio furniture before a storm, taking out the trash, and putting the cover on the hot tub and pool.

[–]Zeldafan1023 -1 points0 points  (7 children)

Taking out the trash? Is the trash really that heavy?

[–]OhIMeMine 13 points14 points  (1 child)

My home was very traditional growing up and taking out the trash was always considered "man work." It was my dad's job, and later it was my brothers' job. I live with a married couple and the guy takes the trash out most of the time, my female roommate hates doing it and I really hate it when the bag touches the side of my leg.

[–]Zeldafan1023 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's kind of what I thought was actually going on. Not that it was actually too heavy, but that she just didn't like to do it and maybe hid behind the weight excuse. I know I've caught myself doing things like that before. When she explained about it being a metal can that has to carried down the driveway (as opposed to the wheeled ones), and that she doesn't put it all on him, that makes sense now.

[–]HappyHowly 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Sometimes, expecially if there's 20lbs of cat litter in there. And taking the big can from the garage to the road (we have a rather long driveway) definitely is. I take it out plenty, obviously if it fills up while he's at work, I'm not going to just leave it there, but for the big trips he doesn't mind taking care of it.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I don’t wanna break a nail lol

[–]Elumamai 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Of course not! Gotta stay pretty for hubby.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol yep 🎀

[–]Zeldafan1023 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, gotcha. That makes sense.

[–]RainbowKitty77 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think whoever stays at home should do 90% of the housework especially if there aren't kids involved. If there are to me the working parent still has a duty to play with/help out with the kids. However they shouldn't have to come home and clean everything either still.

[–]trynafindaradio 4 points5 points  (1 child)

TBH, I feel like it's a pointless argument because it depends on the housework involved. Is it a big house and/or garden? Are there animals involved? Are we including stuff like sewing/mending or basic house repairs? What level of cleanliness are we talking about? When cooking, how many of the ingredients are made from scratch? I still think a lot of this can be managed in a given day but there are a lot of variables.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, being a stay-at-home wife isn't much work unless your home has a lot to do (big home, garden, sewing, cooking, etc). For me, I would have less than a full-time amount of work to keep my home under control as well as the animals fed (right now my dog is walking around with a knife in his mouth so I should probably deal with that), so if I were to stay home I'd want to be adding significantly to the 'value' of housework by doing things like gardening/preserving, mending and perhaps sewing from scratch, and a lot of cooking from scratch.

[–]subgirl182 3 points4 points  (0 children)

We have our own business which my husband is much, much better at running than me so I do ALL the household chores in order to free up as much time as possible for him to focus on the business and sure enough, he works super hard. It works really well for us as I really hate the admin and marketing side of the business and quite happy sorting out the kids and house and he's happy to sit for hours working, answering the phone, dealing with people etc.

[–]jennmannequin 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I am not a SAHW but I do still feel the chores around the house are my duty. Our schedules are a little odd so there are some days where he is home most of the day and will clean up around the house. I always thank him for this because like I said I feel it is my duty. But in reality it is different in each relationship. Expectations should be laid out plainly as to not cause confusion.

But on that note I agree with you. If you are a SAHW and you have no job at all then yes the home should be entirely your responsibility ( give or take actual repairs and things of that nature.)

[–]LaneysWorld2[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels chores are naturally my duty :)

[–]jennmannequin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I feel as women, for most of us, the want and need to keep a tidy home is just kind of ingrained in us. Something about having a clean home helps me have a clear mine and in turn makes me a better and more enjoyable to be around partner.

[–]mrshousespouse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me and my husband currently both work full time, but soon I will be becoming a SAHW. It's part of the agreement that I will take on all household chores (so all cooking, cleaning, washing, caring for pets, gardening and dealing with bills), and if he finds one that needs done, it's up to me to do it as soon as possible.

I think this seems right to me, do you think? But maybe your cousin has a busy household which means she isn't able to do all the chores?

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 1 point2 points  (3 children)

If there are no children involved, and we're talking a normal middle-class household and house of 2000 sqft or less and no large pet load, then yeah, there's zero excuse for a messy house. Not with today's conveniences (dishwasher, washer/dryer, power everything).

Anybody could handle that short of disability. What is she doing with her time and his money?

[–]LaneysWorld2[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Their house isn't even big, I don't know, she's just ungrateful and likes to spend his money. But honestly, I believe even with a much bigger house you should be able to do all the chores and raise children if you don't have a job.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 0 points1 point  (0 children)

even with a much bigger house you should be able to do all the chores and raise children if you don't have a job.

Barring extenuating circumstances, this is a true statement. I don't hear anything in your example, anyways, that justifies her sloth.

[–]Elumamai 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Get a house that has over 8k sqft and see how that works out for you... especially with kids/2+dogs.

[–]Elumamai 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Depends on the house, I'd say. Personally, just as a housewife, my primary focus would probably be on cooking healthy well thought-out meals (not these 30 minute or crock pot deals, usually) and keeping the bills/appointments/etc. in order (as that's part of the job that too many people forget about, it's basically like being a personal assistant/finance manager/etc. who makes sure shit gets done), cleaning isn't a HUGE thing? There isn't usually much to do when it's just two people, unless one of you is REALLY messy. If one is religious then participation with their local sect may be part of it, because being an active part of your community is also good.

That said? If he comes home and takes it upon himself to do dishes that I haven't gotten to, yet? That's on him. No, I don't think it's a failure, I think it's his choice. If I'm busy with something else and plan to get to the dishes later, I'd likely tell him that he didn't have to do that, I planned on getting to them, but thank him, anyway. In this case, I do not see it as a failure on the wife's part. However, if they have been sitting there overnight, or some considerable time when he's seen them more than once in a long period of time? Yes, that is definitely a failing on the wife.

[–]twatwater 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I completely agree.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Do not pet the unicorns.