53
54

THEORY'For Women Only' - Insecurity & Affirmation - Chapter 3 (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor

First, check out the introduction post here before you get started. Also, if you haven’t read the summary for Chapter 2 on Respect you may want to do that as well. This post will assume you’ve read it.

Disclaimer: this is a summary of Chapter 3 in the book For Women Only not my own thoughts, feelings or research.

Let’s get started.


The fearful question that a woman quietly asks herself is “Am I loveable”. We have a deep and innate desire to be loved and cared for. In the last chapter we discussed our men’s correspondingly deep desire for respect. The question for men is not then “am I lovable” it is instead “Do I measure up?” And a man will look to those who know him best to answer that question.

We think of our men as strong and confident with no self doubt. But in truth men have an inner vulnerability that stems from two competing drives. Men wants to tackle great challenges, try difficult things and conquer the world. Competing with this is the very real possibility of failure which is excruciating for men to consider and cope with. As we learned from Chapter 2, one of men’s greatest emotional needs is to feel competent at what they do. The problem is that men overwhelmingly feel that what they do is constantly being watched and judged. Though they have the drive to succeed they feel that they are one mess up from being found out as impostors.

The author’s studies found that about three quarters of men feel insecure and doubt their ability to ‘hack it’. This comes up in nearly all areas of their lives. This means work, home and play. The word she, and the men in her surveys, use to describe these feelings is “impostor”.

The men in our lives are hiding a deep sense of self doubt. The inner uncertainty leaves even the most confident man dreading that he will be exposed for the imposter he feels himself to be. Even the most confident and in control men will often feel like like sometimes they are faking it and fear that their inadequacies will be discovered.

Every man wants to do well and appear competent at whatever it is he sets out to do but 76% claimed that they are “not always as confident as I look.” A man worries that if anyone, like his boss or his loving wife, knew him for who he really is, they would realize the truth. This truth, of course, is that at least some of the time he’s not who he appears to be. He’s not the confident, self assured, competent man who he projects to the world. And the idea that someone knows he can’t cut it is humiliating.

 

What is he thinking?

It probably doesn’t cross your mind that your man is lacking in confidence. After all, you chose him and you have the utmost confidence in him. And when expressed properly, our confidence in him can translate into confidence in himself. But many men express these fears of inadequacy or being found out.

The surveys show that men think:

  • I’m always being judged - Men are hard enough on themselves without any external pressure. But there is external pressure. And whether it is true or not, they feel that the eyes of the world are trained on them. Though it is us women who receive the blame for caving to social pressures; men also think about how others perceive them. They are being judged and so are their abilities. Jokes about men’s inadequacies hurt most because they confirm men’s fear that they are being judged and are falling short.

  • I have no earthly idea how to do this” - Men can feel like they are impostors at what they do and often feel that they are running to stay one step ahead of others. This especially occurs when they have to do something new and unfamiliar. One man told the author that when given a new task or challenge he thinks, “I have no idea how to do this and I hope I learn it before someone finds out”. She originally thought that this was an attitude that affects only the young and inexperienced but through her research she heard the same sentiment from highly accomplished men as well.

  • But I want to do this” In the face of self doubt, men still want to try something new and possibly fantastic. There is a fear that if they try they will be publicly outed as an ‘impostor’ but the only way for a man to move forward in the world is to try new things. The times when men are attempting something new are the times when they will feel the shakiest and need the most encouragement

 

They can feel like impostors at work

There has always been uncertainty for a man regarding his adequacy at his job. This has only gotten worse for our men as companies act with less loyalty and fewer people stay in one firm for their entire careers. Men can feel incredible anxiety and uncertainty about how they are performing at work. There is usually an underlying fear of being found out and of course the subsequent consequences of being deemed an impostor by your boss.

If you aren’t sure whether your man falls into this category, well, he probably does. But think about his behavior with work. Does he he works long hours to prove that he can provide for you? Does he come home drained because of the constant need to appear competent and on the ball?

Professional sports and corporate America share the same “What have you done for me lately” attitude. Everyone is on the replacement list and you have to stay off the top. Insecurity seems logical when you look at it that way! This is often why men work such long hours. It is insurance in his mind that he won’t fall behind.

And the fear of failure isn’t entirely negative. It can drive him to get out of bed in the morning, to get to the gym, to accomplish his goals.

 

They can feel like impostors at home

A man’s performance anxiety doesn’t end at the front door. Many men reported feeling as concerned about inadequacy at home as in the office. Men want to be good husbands and fathers but they worry that they may not know how to succeed at everything required of them. And unlike the office, where success can be attached to numbers and performance reviews, the measure of success is much harder to pin down at home.

Many men judge their success as husbands based on the happiness and respect of their wives. If a man is trying to bluff his way through being a husband, he will feel relieved when his wife feels loved and happy or publically honors how well he does at husbanding. If he gets the cold shoulder, a wife who challenges him or expresses displeasure or lack of respect it’s a sign to him that he’s an imposter and not doing well at his “good husband” goal.

No man thinks he has all the answers. He’ll often look to his father as a role model. If he has a good father, he will mine those experiences for guidance. If, however, he had a bad father he’ll feel like he’s making it up as he goes along.

Sometimes, if a man has the sense that he’s an impostor as a husband and father he will withdraw from taking an active role with his wife and kids. He pulls away to protect himself if he doesn’t think he can do it well or be affirmed in what he’s doing.

Fair, probably not, but emotions aren’t fair.

 

What should we do for our men?

It is often said that you cannot change a man. This is particularly the case when we are talking about the way he is wired. We can, however, impact how he feels about his ability to make his way in the world.

Because men have these private doubts about how they measure up, our respect can be immeasurably important. Once we understand that these fears underly how he moves through the world we can see that our words and actions can make a huge impact.

The key is to soothing a man’s worries is affirmations and a bit of plain old flattery. If the person who knows him best believes in him, he is empowered to do well in every area of his life. If he isn’t receiving affirmation from us, he’ll seek out places that he can receive affirmation.

 

Never tear your man down. If a wife reinforces her husband’s fears of inadequacy it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. In the survey’s the author found that only 1 man in 4 felt appreciated by their families. She suggests that it is unlikely that 3 out of 4 families did not appreciate their men but perhaps were not expressing their appreciation enough.

So even if we do truly appreciate our men, and of course we do!, are we showing it enough?

Your husband has to be convinced that his wife thinks he’s the greatest. If he doesn’t feel this way, he’ll seek out validation elsewhere. There are many place men will seek solace from an unappreciative family:

  • Maybe he’ll spend more time at work where he feels alive and on top of his game,

  • He might spend too much time watching sports for the competitive thrill

  • Some men will retreat to a workshop or office where they are in control of their environment or tasks

  • Another will seek out the intern who admires him.

  • Some participate in sports where there is built in admiration and accomplishment

None of these (well maybe the intern) are negative indulgences for your man. If he finds something that makes him feel alive and encouraged, great! However, other pursuits should not be a retreat for an unsatisfying home life.

 

Our goal is to make him feel alive and encouraged at home first and to act as a cheerleader for his other endeavors. This means admiring him for his accomplishments, bragging about him to friends, expressing what a wonderful father and husband he is. And of course sex.

Sex is affirmation!!!! It plays a huge role in a man’s self confidence. A man can be having a horrible time in every other area of his life but if his woman wants him physically he’ll feel capable of handling it all. On the other hand, if he gets the don’t touch me message at home then it will be more devastating than failures in the other areas and he’ll feel an impostor in every area.

Home should be a comfortable safe zone for a man. If work is a place of judgement, then home should be a place where he can relax and open up. It should not be a place where a man feels one misstep away from being exposed.

And this can be hard. If we don’t pay attention, it’s easy to only notice our men’s mistakes. If we find ourselves in a pattern of noticing mistakes too often (and not praising accomplishments large and small) we create a situation where our men cannot relax and open up at home. It is up to us to create the intimate and safe environment to make it possible for him to let down his guard.

Home should be a retreat from the pressure of having to perform.

 

The gift of confidence.

Men put a lot of pressure on themselves. One man told the author, “I want my wife to understand my weakness and shortcomings and still want me. I want her encouragement to become the man I can be.” And ladies, I’m sure you already feel confident that he can be everything he believes he can be. The only additional step is to express those feelings!

By staunchly supporting them and their goals, by constantly showing and telling them that we believe in them, and by providing a safe environment for them to come home to, we can give our men the confidence to dive into the work fray.

Jack Welsh explains (emphasis mine):

Perhaps the greatest single gift she gave me was self confidence. It is what I looked for and tried to build in every executive who has ever worked with me. Confidence gives you courage and extends your reach. It lets you take greater risks and achieve far more than you ever thought possible. Building self confidence in others is a huge part of leadership. It comes from providing opportunities and challenges for people to do things they never imagined they could do; rewarding them after they reach success in every way possible.

A wife can give her husband that confidence. You must realize that in spite of the veneer of confidence our men still crave our affirmation that they’ve done good. Tell him, often, that you are proud of him and believe in him, brag about him and his accomplishments loudly to the world and show him how much you desire him as a man.

Life is a battle and if he can return home to someone who supports him unconditionally, he can slay dragons.


[–]BePrivateGirl 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Never tear your man down. If a wife reinforces her husband’s fears of inadequacy it can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I like this a lot. And thankfully the opposite is true. When you show love and respect you can give your man the ability to accomplish more.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

When you show love and respect you can give your man the ability to accomplish more.

It's so true. Being his cheerleader is an important job that is overlooked in our dual income world. I believe this is one of the factors that contributes to married men out earning their unmarried peers. If you have a wife at home cheering you on, you'll have the confidence to go further.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 15 points16 points  (3 children)

imposter

Every man I know feels this way. Whether it's a fellow dad from the kids school, a guy from work or your local multi gazillionaire. It doesn't matter, they all have the self doubt described here.

The key is to soothing a man’s worries is affirmations and a bit of plain old flattery. If the person who knows him best believes in him, he is empowered to do well in every area of his life. If he isn’t receiving affirmation from us, he’ll seek out places that he can receive affirmation.

Over the years I came across many stories from prostitutes who service married men. Nick almost every single one said that sex was only 5-10 minutes out of the hour for many clients. The rest of the time - and the main purpose for being hired for this job - was spent listening to these men and giving them affirmation.

She suggests that it is unlikely that 3 out of 4 families did not appreciate their men but perhaps were not expressing their appreciation enough.

I think it's more than just not showing enough appreciation, it's also that many wives show a lack of appreciation through nagging, criticizing, making demands and the like.

Example - he's stressed out because the finances are tight, but all his wife wants to talk about is her dream kitchen makeover. She can't understand why speaking about this dream gets him even more stressed out. The answer is - because a kitchen makeover costs a lot of money. He's already stressed over the tight finances. Speaking to him about your dream kitchen reinforces the idea that he isn't pulling in enough money in your opinion. In other words - that he doesn't measure up in your eyes. Whether this is true or not, this is how why he feels the way he does.

Example 2 - when the wife criticizes him for not doing "his fair share" around the house, he'll feel unappreciated for the work he does to keep the finances afloat (where he does more than his fair share).

Your husband has to be convinced that his wife thinks he’s the greatest. If he doesn’t feel this way, he’ll seek out validation elsewhere. There are many place men will seek solace from an unappreciative family:

You listed several very good examples, but one extremely important example is sorely missing - porn.

There's a degree of porn and erotic images (etc) that a man will always desire because men desire sexual variety. Porn is an ethical way to fill part of the biological need for variety without going to the intern. This type of porn usage is in moderation and not harmful to anyone (not gonna get into ideological debates, so if you're about to respond with an ideological argument against porn, spare me and everyone else).

However, there's another type of porn usage. The type that makes billions of dollars for the industry. The thing that fuels a very large part of all porn usage - the porn star thinks you're sexy, she desires you always and with great intensity and she'll never ever reject you.

I know some people will scoff at this and call these men losers (thus further reinforcing the sense of worthlessness within their men), but that doesn't make it any less true. This really is the reason that so many men (married or otherwise) turn to porn. It's just so much easier than risking it with the wife.

Sex is affirmation!!!! It plays a huge role in a man’s self confidence. A man can be having a horrible time in every other area of his life but if his woman wants him physically he’ll feel capable of handling it all. On the other hand, if he gets the don’t touch me message at home then it will be more devastating than failures in the other areas and he’ll feel an impostor in every area.

This can't be reiterated enough times and with enough emphasis. This is such an important point!

It may seem like an insurmountable task for many women who think their men need them to be horny 24/7. This is simply not the case. What your man needs is for you to be playful and open with your sexuality (remember how you'd grab his junk in the kitchen and then have a make out sesh over the counter before heading out the door when you were newly married? Yea, that kinda stuff). He needs you to initiate sometimes and he needs to feel desire from you in response to his advances. He knows that he'll need to do most of the pursuing, what he needs from you is receptivity.

One man told the author, “I want my wife to understand my weakness and shortcomings and still want me.

Most men will only share the condensed version of their insecurities with you. Interrupt, don't listen, have less desire for him afterwards and he won't want to share anything with you. Listen, empathize, hold his head on your breasts and stroke his hair as you listen, then make love right away or later - and he'll be encouraged to open up to you in the future.

Life is a battle and if he can return home to someone who supports him unconditionally, he can slay dragons.

👌

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You listed several very good examples, but one extremely important example is sorely missing - porn.

One slightly newer form of validation example that was missed can also be video games. I myself am a gamer, but I have noticed a difference in the amount of time spent on video games when I am happy versus when I am not. Also, the first thing I think of whenever I hear a woman chastizing her husband over the amount of time spent playing games about her is "well maybe if you werent such a b**** he'd spend more time with you." And for the guy I think "what a sorry sack, can't get his homelife in order and so he is running away to gaming and isn't even allowed to have that."

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Every man I know feels this way.

I'm glad to hear you second this. I had a bit of hesitation that this word was going to rub men the wrong way. It is exactly what she uses in the chapter though so I stuck with it and crossed my fingers that I wouldn't have a bunch of irate men saying "I'm too alpha to feel like an impostor" :-P

I think it's more than just not showing enough appreciation, it's also that many wives show a lack of appreciation through nagging, criticizing, making demands and the like.

I agree and I think you are correct. This chapter in particular has so much overlap with the Respect chapter that they should really go hand in hand. And I think that these signs of disrespect are covered much more fully in that chapter.

But I do also believe that it's not simply the absence of criticism, though if a wife is highly critical, her husband would probably be happy if she just STFU... but to truly be on your girl game it has to be no nagging plus praise and affirmations.

You listed several very good examples, but one extremely important example is sorely missing - porn

This is actually touched on in the chapter. She covers exactly what you've said here. I glossed over it because of the length but yes. She warns that porn use is/can be the result of a man feeling a lack of appreciation from his wife, full stop.

I'll also say that this is an area that I have trouble wrapping my head around, so I may have selfishly skipped talking about it so I didn't have to defend it. That naked women on a screen or page can provide validation or fulfillment (or whatever the correct word is) is just out of my ability to grasp. That's not judgement mind, it's just one of the few things that I can't quiet comprehend the male perspective.

It may seem like an insurmountable task for many women who think their men need them to be horny 24/7

Oh it's not insurmountable, just exhausting :-P

Most men will only share the condensed version of their insecurities with you. Interrupt, don't listen, have less desire for him afterwards and he won't want to share anything with you. Listen, empathize, hold his head on your breasts and stroke his hair as you listen, then make love right away or later - and he'll be encouraged to open up to you in the future.

I think we talked about this a bit in the last chapter (or a different post or something) but this is one of the areas of TRP that makes me a bit sad. I understand where it comes from. Men take a huge risk when they open up that women will begin to find them less attractive. It's not always true but it's always possible. As women, this is an area where we have to really do our best to overcome those baser instincts. Believing that "I'm not like that" is willful blindness. It's always possible that his insecurities will become his weakness in your mind, beat that hamster to a bloody pulp and appreciate the gift that he's given you then bang him like your relationship depends on it.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"I'm too alpha to feel like an impostor" :-P

Lol! Men (Boys) who speak that way over at TRP, get their asses whipped. I've seen this a number of times. Reality is, almost every man feels this way and most women are left scratching their heads because they don't relate.

but to truly be on your girl game it has to be no nagging plus praise and affirmations.

Absolutely! Move away from evil and do good is what's said in psalms 34 🤓

I'll also say that this is an area that I have trouble wrapping my head around, so I may have selfishly skipped talking about it so I didn't have to defend it. That naked women on a screen or page can provide validation or fulfillment (or whatever the correct word is) is just out of my ability to grasp. That's not judgement mind, it's just one of the few things that I can't quiet comprehend the male perspective.

Ladies of RPW, please take a moment to observe and appreciate the honesty in this paragraph!!!

I didn't read the book, yet I filled in the porn element just as the book says men think about it. That should count for some confirmation right there if you ask me.

Men don't ever feel fulfilled by porn. Porn is fantasy world and will never match up to reality. However, when reality is harsh, fantasy may be a logically better choice. The porn star is always displaying such intense desire, is so aroused and ready when you are. A man can fly away into the scene and feel as if he's there, at least temporarily. While he sits there stroking himself, he's pretending to be having sex with the person on the screen or pretending to be masturbation next to them. It isn't ideal, but it at least doesn't run the risk of his wife rolling her eyes at him wanting sex again, giving him a lecture about what a sex crazed pervert he is blah blah blah. It's so much easier to just use porn. So while it's not as fulfilling as real sex, it is partially fulfilling + no performance anxiety or rejection anxiety.

Makes sense?

Men take a huge risk when they open up that women will begin to find them less attractive. It's not always true but it's always possible. As women, this is an area where we have to really do our best to overcome those baser instincts. Believing that "I'm not like that" is willful blindness. It's always possible that his insecurities will become his weakness in your mind, beat that hamster to a bloody pulp and appreciate the gift that he's given you then bang him like your relationship depends on it.

Exactly!

Furthermore, if you live with a man long term you will be exposed to his weaknesses! There's no way around it. You have two choices 1. Be the safe person for him to share his doubts and insecurities. 2. Drive him away from you either by punishing him for sharing or by losing attraction as a result.

While it's natural for his weakness to cause a loss of attraction in you, it isn't a given. This is a part of female nature that can be harnessed. Not by whipping the hamster into shape but by contemplating on how strong he is for being brave enough to share. By changing your perspective to view the same thing as a strength, not a weakness.

And BTW, you should always bang him like your relationship depends on it because it truly does 😉

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (2 children)

I think this is a greatly important topic that isn't discussed enough. A lot of women, including myself at times, will talk the talk, but when it comes down to things like this that are hard, they skimp out. It's easy to get dressed up, bake a few cakes, smile when he comes home, and have a good sex life. But, surprisingly, this can be really hard at times. Because building your man up does not stop when he screws up. It doesn't stop when he annoys you, when you're having a bad day, when you're exhausted and just feel like shutting him out. Being there for him and building him up requires constant vigilance. This was a great post, thanks for sharing it.

[–]lespetiteschoses 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yeah this is spot on. It's so damn easy to be the cheerleader when everything's going well. It takes a lot of work to maintain that when he's struggling to fulfill his own end of things.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sure it takes more work, but that's also when it's most necessary and most rewarding.

[–]lespetiteschoses 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm really enjoying this series you're writing up, thanks!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My husband and I are in a unique situation where we work in different areas within the same field. Objectively, I am much more successful than he is. I make considerably more, I have a more prestigious title, my job has more autonomy and influence, and I am more involved in organizations and publications. And, to add more more salt to the wound, even though we have been working for about the same amount of time, I am quite a bit younger than he is.

When the reality of the situation first started to hit him, he did say things like "I don't even feel like an X," or "I have no idea what I'm doing at work," or "There's no way I'm actually good enough to be an X." In those moments it was very difficult not to feel guilty for my success, but his doubts and fears never lead me to doubt him or feel any less proud for the things he has worked so hard to accomplish.

I cheered him on every step of the way through school and getting his first job. Heck, I'm 100x prouder of my husband's milestones than my own, because even though he was a late bloomer academically, he actually worked hard to get through is doctorate, where I just breezed through my years of schooling.

Even if it is a little cheesy, I tell him every single day just how proud I am of him, and how incredible I think it is that he continues to work even though he doesn't need to. I imagine his career will only last 5-10 years (if that long haha), and then he will become a SAHH, and I know he will be incredible at that too!

[–]WarViper1337 0 points1 point  (4 children)

I wish I could copy and paste this directly into womens minds lol. It is so right on every level.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Me too! The book overall changed the way I approached my relationship and I hope that a lot of women will take these summaries to heart.

And honestly, I hope some men are able to use it as a book recommendation for their wives and gfs. While it's heavily Christian, it doesn't talk about surrender or submission the way that other RPW recommendations do. It's a much easier BP to RP starter book IMO.

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (2 children)

And honestly, I hope some men are able to use it as a book recommendation for their wives and gfs.

In my experience - a person needs to be very open to recommendations for such a thing to work. Otherwise, recommending a book to read is like saying - here's where you're lacking, read this to get help. Even if that's true and it's necessary, you want to be useful.

An old adage says - just like it's good to say that which will be heard, so too is it good to not say that which won't be heard 😉

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

So here's the neat little trick about these books...

There are two, For Women Only and For Men Only (I actually think there are a bunch but only these two count). In the first chapter the author suggests that couples jointly read both. She says that the women should read about women first and make highlights of the topics that seem important to her and the man should do the same with the book about men. Then they should switch and they are basically reading a personalized copy of the book from their partner.

Since one of the biggest complaints of women in relationships is "we have poor communication" these books are a nifty way for a man to say "Hey honey, I understand what you are saying and I want to learn to communicate with you better, let's try reading these and talking about them" and she'll never think twice.

I mean that's my theory anyway. I picked the book up on my own and I remain blissfully unaware of all the ways Husband has manipulated me over the years :-P

[–]loneliness-incEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reading the books and highlighting the parts you feel are extra important for your spouse to read is an awesome idea if and only if both spouses are on board to begin with.

Since one of the biggest complaints of women in relationships is "we have poor communication"

Ha! And so often the husband will roll his eyes so far back, they come back around full circle. The husband often feels that he tried to communicate but (for various reasons) no one was listening. This really needs it's own post, to understand varying types of communication and why we often talk right past each other.

I mean that's my theory anyway. I picked the book up on my own and I remain blissfully unaware of all the ways Husband has manipulated me over the years :-P

Manipulation isn't always that bad. Women of the past manipulated their husbands by continuously getting them drunk with love through sex, good food and agreeableness. Anyone who thinks the ladies from the 50's were mere puppets of their husbands, never met one of these ladies.....

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[removed]

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This is not a space for men to get advice from women

[–]Slayer005 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alright.I will leave.

[–][deleted]  (9 children)

[removed]

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 4 points5 points  (8 children)

The book is not about women. It's not necessary for you to wax philosophical about how women feel. It's off topic and self indulgent.

The author surveyed modern men. It was written in the early 2000s. It's not discussing a 1950s era dynamic.

If you are trying to understand your man and have a better relationship then it doesn't matter if career men feel more like impostors than career women. It doesn't matter what women feel like. We're trying to understand how men think so that we can understand how best to interact with our SOs.

Get over yourself.

[–][deleted]  (7 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Guywithgirlwithabike2 Stars 1 point2 points  (6 children)

    Your self-indulgent attempt to shift the topic to how women feel isn't going to offer anyone reading any insight into what actions they can personally take to improve the state of their own romantic relationships - which is the explicit purpose of this board.

    Moreover, engaging in focus-shifting of the discussion, which you just gave a textbook example of is with your navel-gazing, is an excellent strategy for deflecting much-needed criticism and avoiding of taking responsibility for one's behavior, and as such should be discouraged if your genuine aim is to be a better person.

    [–][deleted]  (5 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      It is a fundamental feature of the masculine attitude. That is why it exists at work and home/family as outlined in the post.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [removed]

        [–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        But this isn't PPD so we don't discuss the hows and whys and maybes. If the feelings exist (and by the surveys it situationally exists for the majority of men) then that is all we need to know.

        If you had male examples that disprove the rule, that is worth discussing because that is usable knowledge.

        Whether women feel that way too is moot. Within the context of the relationship, you already know what you are thinking. You don't know what he is thinking. Therefore knowing what other women are thinking doesn't help you beyond a bit of navel gazing over whether you are normal or not.

        [–]Guywithgirlwithabike2 Stars 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        You absolutely wrote an entire paragraph focusing on women in your original post. If the purpose of this board is for women to improve themselves and their relationships through a better understanding of men, then your attempt to shift the focus of this discussion is an exercise in bad faith argumentation.