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THEORYBreaking "rules" (& not beating yourself up) (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by aftertheafter-party2 Star

Being submissive to your good man's direction (when you trust him, & when he is offering the level of commitment you want) is, of course, logical & feels amazing. "STFU" can be good advice when you are tempted to talk to your man like a girl-friend or a therapist. “Being pleasant” is also, obviously, great advice.

HOWEVER, there are some awesome exceptions:

  • If you really want something, because it will make you feel juicy & extra-happy, but it requires a gift from your man (birthday flowers, concert tickets, making dinner an extra night of the week so you can take a dance class), you have to tell him - & express how good you will feel to have this happen. Then THANK HIM when he follows through.

  • If there is a task that your man has taken on in your relationship that you honestly, to your core, feel like you can do better on your own & would relieve stress from him if you take it on - make an offer. Tell him, "Baby, I can do this. I don't want you to feel stress about this, & I can handle it... I will do it by [X day]. Can I take this task off your plate?”

  • If you are feeling consistently bad about something, you need to be expressive about your feelings, without being blame-y (not "I feel terrible when you..." which is an accusation, but "I feel so tight & on-alert around this conversation... what do you think?" which is an invitation to his BRAIN to solve the issue).

  • If you are in a "bad mood," don't feel obligated to mask your emotions with "pleasantness." This is NOT an excuse to be rude to your spouse!!! It is simply acknowledging that, in a long-term relationship, you will have hard days/weeks/years that feel difficult. In fact, it is manipulative to pretend like you are feeling good when you are not. Clarify that this is NOT a problem you want him to solve, that it is just "weather" passing over your island. Express that you take responsibility for your emotions, & that you will ask for help if you need it.

A big part of this is... men want a chase & a "win." But how good is a win if the "competition” was weak to begin with? You are a strong goddess. This is not an empty "I don't need a man!!" but it is "I don't need a man to be a complete, full, beautiful, powerful space-creator." You are responsible for your own emotional/mental/physical health -- & it feels SO GOOD.


[–]LeilaintheDark 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Thanks for the excellent post! My experience with this:

Make your desires known plainly with simple language. Have good faith that he wants to fulfill them, but don't expect him to fulfill them by whichever date, or that he'll even fulfill them at all. And definitely don't tell him how to fulfill them. - I feel like this is the best way to get your needs met with no resentment, because in a way, you're not making a request of him, you're just offering information (and I think a good captain acts upon info when he can :))

Showing negative emotions without showing blame is kind of an art. I act a bit more childlike, and I think my man becomes more tender, but I think it's up to the individual woman to find her style in expressing the not so nice emotions. Not blaming is key, because once again, you're not making a request to him to change his behavior to sooth your feelings, you're just offering information about your current emotional state.

One thing I want to add: when you mess up, like say you've been a nag for a day, don't double down! Don't freak out! Just apologize swiftly and sweetly. After making a mistake, throw out your pride and act in disbelief at yourself for being so silly, go snuggle him and say sorry emphatically. This usually neutralizes any annoyance from small mistakes, and you become endearing in his eyes :)

[–]aftertheafter-party2 Star[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

you're just offering information about your current emotional state.

I definitely agree with this & think it's key --

If you are sharing because you think he is wrong, think he acted against you, want him to do something different: you are pushing, attempting to control, manipulating, creating distance, turning off

If you are sharing because you are opening your heart, showing him a secret garden, being vulnerable: you are inviting, being authentic, building trust, creating allure, attracting

[–]cherrylipgl0ss 3 points4 points  (0 children)

If you are in a "bad mood," don't feel obligated to mask your emotions with "pleasantness." This is NOT an excuse to be rude to your spouse!!! It is simply acknowledging that, in a long-term relationship, you will have hard days/weeks/years that feel difficult.

This reminds me of the "the best diet is a sustainable diet" advice to people who are trying to lose weight. You will burn out if you keep pushing yourself past what you can handle, and your man is usually the one who is going to have to deal with the consequences of that burnout. Bottling up your feelings is never good, and it will often lead to resentment; acknowledging your feelings and dealing with them in a responsible way is a lot healthier approach.

Thanks for the great post! Excellent points here :)

[–]ayvyns 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I used to do all the parallel parking 😀