FIELD REPORTA STFU win - and share your own! (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Pixie03103 Stars

I was so happy with how I handled a really difficult STFU situation, I wanted to share and ask you guys to share your own recent STFU wins.

STFU can be especially hard (for me) when I'm feeling insecure, jealous, or I just know I'm "right." I think other women struggle with the same thing maybe? So I was really thankful for my RPW training handling this one...

My fiance is having some drama with his family, including his ex. (They have kids together, and they are from an Eastern culture in which the families remain pretty interlinked, even after divorce.) His ex and their kids have been facing a lot of negative pressure from his family lately, who aren't really treating them well. Because he's a really decent guy, he felt bad for her situation and was encouraging her to take a holiday to visit her brother. He offered to pay for the kids to go along with her, knowing they needed to get away from the negativity.

Though I was happy to see him getting along with her overall (they have not always been so congenial), it seemed as if she was texting more and more. I started to worry that it was too much, that she was leaning on his support too often - but I fought hard against my urge to warn him. I just knew that if I let out the negative feelings I was having, I'd come across as jealous, threatened, catty, and selfish - which, honestly, I was feeling. A lot of his time was being consumed with dealing with her, and it was bugging me - even though I kept reminding myself it involved the kids.

Instead of an argument triggering off, my STFU resulted in him thanking me for being so patient and understanding. And - the kicker?

She finally came on to him via text, told him she still had feelings for him, and wanted to sleep with him (!!!!!). He abruptly told her absolutely no, and that he was not speaking to her again until she got herself under control. If I had told him it was bound to happen, he wouldn't have believed me, and he would've thought I was overreacting and jealous. Without a word, I gave her the space to make it clear to him herself, and he learned a valuable lesson without any issues between us.

If anything, he's doubly thankful that I was so supportive and patient throughout the drama. (I didn't even show a dramatic reaction when he told me what she texted him, even though he was a little nervous to tell me - and now I hope he knows he can continue to be honest if her behaviour is shady in the future. He's reassured me of his loyalty to me, and they haven't spoken since.)

Any recent success stories where you tried STFU and the results were great? SHARE!!! :)

[–]AsOctoberFalls 13 points14 points  (13 children)

That is a great win!!

My boyfriend is a pretty terrible texter, and we generally don’t talk on the phone. We work together, so I see him Monday through Friday at work and we spend Sundays together, but we don’t see each other on Saturdays. Saturdays feel endless to me because I miss him, and sometimes I start to feel insecure. As the honeymoon period of our relationship ended (we have been together a year), I noticed he was texting me less frequently than before, and I’ve had a hard time adjusting.

A couple of months ago I had a really tough Saturday and ended up being clingy with him over text. I don’t even remember what I was saying - it wasn’t anything too outlandish, but it was along the lines of asking him for reassurance that we were ok when he had given absolutely no indication that we weren’t.

The next day I was pretty horrified with myself for being so needy and annoying. When I saw him in person, I apologized. He said he wasn’t going to say anything, but he had noticed and it was out of character for me. He thought it was strange.

I’m happy to say that since then, I have resisted my urges to seek reassurance, and I’ve decreased the frequency of my texting to a couple of times per day unless I have something to say. Honestly, if there was something wrong, he would tell me...so by being clingy and needy, I only make myself look less desirable and, in turn, push him away. I think I was starting to feel like a burden instead of an asset to him, but luckily I caught it early and turned it around, and our relationship is better than ever.

[–]Pixie03103 Stars[S] 14 points15 points  (8 children)

I am guilty of this!!! Lol. The amount of damage that can be done by a woman assuming something is "wrong" when it's not...

I can be so sensitive to his tone, or quietness, via text - I think something is wrong, I start to act weird or fish for hey what's up over there, he notices I'm acting weird but doesn't get why, so he assumes something is wrong with me, or ends up asking why I'm acting strange... Lol.

Women are brilliantly sensitive and intuitive creatures, but with men, I think we need to turn the dial down 99% of the time, because they are fine handling their own ups and downs without our sensitivity. It makes us great moms to always know when something feels "off", but lord, can it make us annoying partners when our alarms are going off for no reason. Haha. Ty for sharing!! :)

[–]AsOctoberFalls 7 points8 points  (7 children)

So true! This is one area where the differences between men and women are so apparent. I can feel like the relationship is falling apart because he is stressed out and quiet one day, and he will have NO IDEA that I’m even worried.

[–]Pixie03103 Stars[S] 3 points4 points  (6 children)

Yep. I have probably worked myself into tears with assumptions when in reality, like... his phone died or something. Haha

[–]chromacarolyn 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Why do you worry so much? I am surprised to see all these women so worried that things are wrong. Do you lack confidence in yourself or your man?

Just curious. I honestly dont get like this because I trust my man and know that he loves me because he treats me so well and we are so close on every level.

[–]Pixie03103 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Hormones. Insecurity. Negative past experiences. Hypersensitivity.

There are plenty of reasons women might get themselves worried needlessly. It's generally not permanent, or common. But it happens.

I don't think it's a sign of lack of trust, or love, or a bad or distant relationship. There are probably some women who are steady as a rock and never get anxious, but I think anxiety / worrying can be a common female problem, even when you have trust & confidence.

Most people are prone to anxiety from time to time, especially depending on other external stressors. Some more than others!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Just lurking and I had to stop and comment on this. I love your honesty and willingness to admit and work on this issue. I can get that way at times too (less over time) although I'm ashamed of it... it's posters like you that make it feel safe to share and that's why I love this sub. We can be brutally honest and admit where we have faults and work on them together through suggestions and our own stories.

[–]Pixie03103 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Thanks for commenting! It's definitely kind of embarrassing, uncool, not RP (lol), and not something I love about myself. I would love to be always logical, steady, and unflappable.

Unfortunately, I have always been more emotional than probably even your "average" woman. Becoming my own ideal RPW is a process, and it takes time, effort, and self-discipline!! The natural tendency is to be needy, clingy, insecure, etc. It's awareness of those natural tendencies in me that allow me to practice the self-discipline that IMO RP is all about. :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed 100% :)

[–]riseoftherice 0 points1 point  (3 children)

What do you recommend to do/ think for either calming and reassuring yourself and for asking him for his reassurance?

[–]AsOctoberFalls 6 points7 points  (1 child)

For me, the key is reminding myself that I’m ok without him. I love him, yes, but I don’t NEED him. I was fine before we started dating, and I will be fine if we broke up. That really helps calm me down if I start working myself up.

It really, truly can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve never met a man (at least, not one who is emotionally mature and stable) who is attracted to a clingy, needy woman. When I first started dating my boyfriend, he told me one of the things that really attracted him to me was my independence - I have a good head on my shoulders, I have a good job, I own my home, etc. He is the one that people always rely on because he’s really smart and handy, so I think it was a relief to him to meet a woman who doesn’t rely on him to do everything for her.

[–]riseoftherice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your answer!

[–]Pixie03103 Stars[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Another thing is to wait, wait, wait it out.

Don't act quickly. Don't react without thinking.

99% of the time, he will go back to his normal self if you just leave it. The other 1% - if something is really on his mind or bothering him - he'll tell you directly.

Usually, if he's a good one and the relationship is basically good - we are worrying too much.

[–]ragnarockette4 Stars 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I have one! I have one!

Yesterday my husband went climbing with a buddy. They normally grab a beer after, but yesterday it seemed like they grabbed several because he was gone for nearly 6 hours.

I don’t mind him drinking but him coming home day drunk when I’m sober is a bit annoying. He can get whiny and gushy and it’s just not my favorite.

But instead of picking a fight, I decided to have a glass of wine myself. By the time I finished the glass he’d come home and I forgot to be pissy or make a snide remark. We had a very nice evening together.

Wine for the win!

[–]Pixie03103 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, yes. Sometimes the best way for me to climb off of my high horse is to jump right into the mud with him. Rofl. Like, if he's being a slob and I find myself getting really irked, instead, I just force myself to stop what I'm doing and be a little bit of a slob too.

He doesn't really notice, it's short-term and I know I'll deal with it tomorrow (when I feel better), and it brings me back to planet earth.

[–]ayvyns 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Good fucking job, A+

Crazy will rear its head with or without your input