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[FIELD REPORT]It finally clicked! (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by hawthornevine

Hi everyone! As some of you might know, I'm pretty new to RPW and I've spent most of my brief time here as a lurker. During that time, I found a lot of things on this sub that really connected with my personal beliefs, but other things that left me confused and perhaps a little bit indignant. But I realized this was normal and that it was up to me to figure things out for myself. Now, though, I'm having those lightbulb moments where things just fall into place in my head, which I'm so excited about. I wanted to share some of my thoughts on my realizations and hopefully stimulate some conversation :)

Out of all that I read, there was this one specific post that bothered me and kept tripping me up. I'll quickly summarize: OP said that both she and her SO were extremely jealous people and that she was desperate for solutions. Some of the wiser, more experienced users on this sub were saying that OP should view other girls eyeing her SO as assurance of the high quality of her SO, which should incite her to better herself. They also said OP should stop hanging around the men that made her OP so jealous. OP responded back that she didn't understand why she had to change when her SO didn't. When I first read that, I still had a lingering mindset that was shaped by the feminist-society we live in, and so agreed with OP. The post popped back into my head today, and the rationale of the users who responded finally made sense!

I know a lot of the older users on this sub say things like "don't live tit for tat" and while I sort of understood that before, I think it only truly clicked today. See, what I realized was that in a relationship, it doesn't matter who has to change, the only thing that matters is that the problem gets solved. Let me just say that again because I think it's so important: the only thing that matters is that the problem gets solved.

Who cares if you're the one who has to change? If the relationship means enough to you, you shouldn't be upset that you're the one making the so-called "sacrifice." And that's what made me feel so lost, the fact that you have to totally readjust how you think when you're in a relationship. You have to go from focusing on "what's in my best interest" to "what's in our best interest."

The thing is, if you've chosen a good man, you won't always be the one making the change. When you realize something is wrong, you'll need to be the one who changes and readjusts your attitude. That's only to be expected, though, because other times he'll be the one seeing issues and making changes and sacrifices you might not even notice. Relationships are all about a give and take, with each person contributing in different, but equally important ways, to build up something neither of you could create alone.

At first, it's hard to transition from the mindset that oh, as women we have to make sure that "our men respect us" and that we're never, ever viewed as wrong, but that's exactly the mindset that gets us into so many problems in the first place! I realize now that I've been viewing relationships from such a flawed, selfish view. The mindset I had might work for short-term flings, but it's not at all appropriate for anything meaningful and long-term.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, as a new user, there's a lot of things that bombard you all at once. At first, it's overwhelming to take in, and you're going to disagree with a lot. But that's only to be expected! The important thing is not to dismiss it immediately just because you don't agree with it yet, but to learn more about it. Everything on this sub might not work for you, but that's no reason to get frustrated or discouraged! In order to better ourselves, we have to first absorb as much knowledge as possible and try them out in order to then properly pick out what will be useful for our particular situation. I hope anyone who's on the newer side and is reading this gets at least a little bit encouraged to reread some posts that bothered them and think about it in a new light :)


[–]IanIronwood 23 points24 points  (2 children)

When there's a hole in the boat, it doesn't matter whose side it's on. There's a hole in the boat.

Good show! Keep it up!

[–]hawthornevine[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Short but sweet - what a beautifully succinct way to phrase it! I think I'll view it like that from now on, it really gets the point across! Thank you! :)

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (2 children)

See, what I realized was that in a relationship, it doesn't matter who has to change, the only thing that matters is the problem gets solved.

Fabulous! I'm so proud of you

Edit: I tried to award you flair, you may not have it "turned on" (click "show my flair on this subreddit" on the sidebar)

[–]hawthornevine[S] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Thank you so much! I can't tell you how excited I am about everything that I'm learning and how eager I am to apply it in real life! :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There it is Yay

[–]Camille11325 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Hooray! So glad you were able to revisit uncomfortable ideas and have this realisation! Thank you for sharing your experience with the community, it'll serve as a source of inspiration to newer members for sure. Also, congrats on the flair :)

[–]hawthornevine[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Aww, thank so much Camille! Really, everything's thanks to you since you got me hooked on RPW in the first place :D

[–]Camille11325 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're welcome! I'm happy that I could help get you started on this journey and I can't wait for more updates in the future <3

[–]little_red_ 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I love this post. Yay for you two! <3

[–]hawthornevine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your kind words! <3

[–]ACityGirl 5 points6 points  (1 child)

As a new "active" user myself, I could not agree more!

I always feel a little sick to my stomach when people describe to me their relationship problems and expect everything to be solved for them when they themselves are the problem. Not always the case, but, as you said, if they cared about the relationship...

I think that culture has turned into a very "me" culture, where in the past things were more family or even community based. It's really amazing how much better things work out when you're not so "me". :)

By the way, one of your posts was one of the reasons I made an account in the first place, so thanks!

[–]hawthornevine[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh my gosh, I completely agree! It's hard to find that balance between being a sympathetic friend and just flat out yelling at them to open their eyes to their own problems! And it makes things even worse when culture is, as you said, all about "me" since those people just keep getting validated for their self-absorbed behavior.

And I'm thrilled that my posts had a positive effect! I started participating on this sub because of another user, so I'm very glad I could pay that forward :)

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I liked that part too. Your SO is like your teammate in life, you're not competing with them.

[–]should_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree but careful with having this mentality if you're dating a guy who might be a narcissist, sociopath, psycopath, etc. That might sound like I said "if you date really creepy guys" but what I really mean is "if you date incredibly good-looking, well-dressed, too-good-to-be-true" guys, since with this philosophy you might go down a slippery slope of thinking, "Well, I DO care more about the relationship than my sacrifice, so, it's okay he's texting me at 11pm asking what's up instead of a not-booty-call-hour."

That's not to say be selfish at all costs. But as someone who was seeing someone who I later realized had some serious impulsive and egocentric issues, I thought I'd mention it.

[–]FleetingWishEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Yeah, that's actually good advice for anybody. It is much easier to change what you're doing, than to change what someone else is doing. For instance, if your SO didn't put their dishes in the sink, it is much more efficient use of your time to just go do it yourself, then to go find your SO, interrupt what he's doing, possibly get into an argument, and get him to do it... eventually. "Why do you have to do it?" It's just easier, and a more peaceful way to run things.

[–]hawthornevine[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

So true - fix a problem right when you see it and avoid unnecessary drama. There's no need to be self-righteous about things!

[–]Bea_Noemi 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I am so glad for you, welcome!

[–]hawthornevine[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! :)

[–]LifterofThings 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Right on! Awesome post. :)

I think a lot of people fall into the trap of trying to change an SO. Whether they change to fix a problem or not is not in your control... So, if fixing the problem through change is important to you, best start with the only person you really have any control over, which is you. Is this fair? No, but when has life ever been fair?

[–]hawthornevine[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, so true - we can only change ourselves so focus on that instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing! My mom likes to say that if you smell fire burning, check your own oven before seeing if your neighbor did something. :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Well done, excellent post. I added this to the field report thread (your second entry there!).

[–]hawthornevine[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Oh my goodness, thank you so much! :D

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're the one that earned it haha!

:0)

[–]HeresTheThingMaybe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am a guy, but assuming it is ok to post here I just want to say that I agree with the OP. I hadn't really dated until I was 26, so over 2 years ago now, and I've learned a lot, but one thing I've always known is that if I get past the dating stage with someone it will be because of a mindset as you describe. I have to say I probably haven't dated enough yet as the number is only about 5, and sadly I have always felt that this mindset has been fairly absent so far.

I am not interested in a relationship if I am the only one investing into it, and interestingly I have read enough about psychology that I understand that value and even how to create an atmosphere where they might invest more, but I'm just not the type to ever want to play those games. I'd rather let things be because if you or I are not enough by ourselves then at the end of the day it doesn't matter much about what we might do or how we act. I don't find it that hard to be generally happy, but I am always driven and curious and sometimes it makes me stressed and that's not a bad thing, but it is a difficult thing to really find in others.

And yes doing things for a tit for tat is a bad precedence as then you are always expecting something in return for every nice thing that you do, or that one moment where you lapse on doing something nice, that seems obvious to the other, you get hammered for it. That's not a healthy relationship and in fact it is very much what makes up the "nice guy" trope which I don't think has ever applied to me, but regardless I have researched it though just to see what people really mean by it and to try and objectively see if I can apply it to myself. I see areas where I could fall into it, but for the most part it seems like it is made up of guys that lack foresight, a genuine sense of doing nice things for the simple sake of doing nice things, and common sense imo.

Sadly issues can still arise though when you do nice things around someone who is used to being around those that always want something in return, as it ends up making you look just as bad as someone who is only doing it for X reasons. That comes down to trust issues though, and if someone is treating you with mistrust, all you can either do is try and not change your own behavior in this instance and explain to them that there is nothing behind it or get out of the relationship or as my case may be I just stop dating them as I know what red flags are when I see them.

[–]IrisBlue7 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I had my "ah ha" moment recently also. I would get so bent out of shape about minor problems, like the handle on the refrigerator looked grimy. I would nag him about not noticing that and then nag him til cleaned it, then nag him that it wasn't quite right. Before I knew it we had wasted an hour arguing about a damn fridge handle. It was in that moment I realized that he was never going to care about the fridge handle the same way I cared. And if it bothered me that much it should just be my responsibility to fix it. I can't (and shouldn't) demand that he feel the same way about things like that as me.

It was very nice and almost empowering in some way when last night I just did the dishes after supper myself. I knew it was getting done how I like and I didn't spend 20 minutes nagging him into helping me. Saved 20 mins and an argument. Used that time for fun things before bed :)

Its an adjustment as a "newbie" at times, but even in this short period of time I'm feeling so much more comfortable and secure in my relationship.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good job! Welcome aboard

[–]khous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am new to RPW, I have read a lot and I used to be very jealous. I have fixed my attitude since then and realized that most of the things I found were wrong were so because of me! When he sacrifices for you, some people take it for granted, and now I work to be a better First mate!

Thankyou for this thread, I am also learning about myself and I had the same issues, and this helps me clear my mind too.

In order to dance Tango one must lead the dance and the other has to follow his steps, relationships are the same, it's made by two people and you have to trust his steps in order for the dance to work.