The first time I visited this sub was when a friend showed it to me. It was partly her poking fun, and partly out of bafflement that there are women who could think the way you do, and who could be so opposed to feminism. At the time I agreed with her, but I was baffled and confused by the beliefs espoused here, and that got me curious. I started reading, and was angry and confused to find myself agreeing with a lot of what RedPillWomen has to say.
I’ve delved deeper and deeper, and it just gets worse and worse. I’m kind of at this place where I feel lost, and don’t know how to handle it. I’m 18, and starting college soon, so this is not really happening at a great time for me either. I also feel a bit isolated because I feel like my friends would crucify me if I even hinted I was struggling with this, so I thought maybe I would turn to you all because this where it started and at some point many of you have probably gone through the same thing.
I realize the rules said to try and avoid posting a wall of text, so I’ll try to limit the background information I give. My parents are divorced, and my mom has always urged me to excel and prove that I can do anything boys can do, and I really took that to heart. Feminism was a big part of my identity and worldview, and I had always felt obligated to shirk gender roles and femininity (though never really managed that last part).
I feel like a big part of why I’ve started paying attention to what’s said here, is that just paying attention to the message has caused me to examine the two examples of people in relationships I’ve had in my life, my mother and father. When my dad divorced my mom I was mad at him, he was the bad guy. Looking back now though, of course he did. She was, as you might say, a shrew. She was and still is constantly bitter about everything and extremely negative, and he always seemed tired. Even now, she’s still alone and bitter. Trying to conform to her expectations sucks my energy too. I don’t want to end up like her.
My dad on the other hand, has remarried. My stepmother is such a nice person, and in a lot of ways I can be myself more with her than with my mom. Her and my dad’s relationship is very happy, and she’s constantly supportive and he’s way more assertive. It was actually source of conflict in my relationship with them with him taking charge and her supporting, because I was critical of it for years. His parenting became more hands on and I resented him imposing structure that my mom did and also judged my step mom for being a housewife even though she’s been nothing but kind to me. It’s only since reading this sub that I’ve realized how awful I’ve been to them at times, and how I’ve been angry at my dad for doing his job and being the only one of my two parents to actually teach me any responsibility or structure. I am grateful for how my relationship with both of them has improved for the better as I’ve tried to be more positive and respectful, deferring to their judgement more, but even that’s hard sometimes.
I guess what I want to do is ask how some of you have coped with, “taking the pill.” I still feel like I’m some sort of traitor for the way my thinking of changes, for realizing that a career and proving myself equal isn’t the thing I want most in life. How do I go from where I was to this? How do I stop myself from lashing out at others unfairly when I get confused? Also, how do I find friends that I can talk about this with? Lastly, and this it the weirdest one, how do I stop feeling guilty for actually wanting and being okay with the pill? I feel like, while there’s a lot of hard truth, I do want to accept those truths. They say the truth will set you free, but it’s like my subconscious is viscerally opposed to letting that happen.
(Also, I apologize if this seems directionless at times. I was a bit emotional when I wrote it. If this doesn’t belong here, I also apologize for that.)
Edit: Thank you all for taking the time to read this and respond. You've all been very helpful. Seriously, it's amazing.