Do you keep score in your relationship? Are your sure? It's harder to pin point than you think, but not as hard a habit to break as you'd think. Here are two of the most common ways we as women "keep score":
"He doesn't love me as much as I love him because he didn't do x!"
Men and women are different. We all learned that in health class. But the anatomical differences are only the beginning. Our minds are completely different and we reason and operate completely differently, despite what the feminist agenda would have you believe. The way you would solve a problem or draw a conclusion is vastly different from how your SO would. Women focus on the emotional, we can empathize, we pick up on body language and the inflection of one's voice and try and determine what the person actually meant. Men listen to the words. (Men feel free to comment if I left any part out, but I am making generalizations here for both genders.)
To conclude that your SO doesn't love you because he doesn't solve a problem or handle a situation the way you would is a ludicrous. Has it ever occurred to you that you may not always handle a situation or problem the way he would want you to? There are two sides to every coin. You're not happy with every conclusion he's ever drawn? Guess what my dear, he's not happy with all of yours either.
"I do x, y and z everyday and he complains whenever I ask him to do the dishes!"
Women seem to think that they are the ones doing more in a relationship. All the time. And they seem to love to be martyrs, thinking they're doing everything so they can throw it in their man's face at a later time.
Just because you know the perfect way to load the dishwasher or you think the kitchen floor should be swept every night before bed doesn't mean he agrees. Who put you in charge of setting the bar of cleanliness in the house anyway? If the house is your "domain" and you think you have the best way to do everything, then feel free to do the work.
Your SO and you will see differently on subjects and just because his bar isn't as high as yours doesn't mean he's wrong. Maybe you are, ever think of that? Maybe your SO doesn't mind the floors feeling a little crunchy or if there's dinner dishes in the sink. But you do. Well go ahead and do them. Why do you get to bitch at him for something you want done?
Obviously each couple has a different way they split up the chores and share the housework but what it comes down to is this: if it's your SO's job to fold the towels than don't criticize the way he does it. STFU or do it yourself. It doesn't mean he loves you less or that you're better, it means he doesn't care if all the forks are facing the same way in the silverware tray.
This doesn't just apply to housework, this is just the most popular complaint I see. It applies to raising kids and work outside the home as well. Just because he does it different doesn't mean he does it wrong. Being judgemental in your attitude is condescending and bitchy and will hurt your relationship.
Breaking the habit
Keeping score is detrimental to the harmony and intimacy in your relationship. Putting yourself in the position of judging makes you feel like you're the more superior and will tear down your SO and put up a a wall in your relationship. Keeping score comes out in a variety of ways including using a harsh tone when he does something, rolling your eyes, scolding, nagging and bitching. Feel like your SO is pulling away from you? Who would want to be close to somebody who makes them feel like less of a person 24/7?
Luckily, it's an easy habit to fix. I recommend:
Make a list of all of your SO's good traits and the nice things he's done and does do for you. The more you start thinking about it, the more you'll find! Refer back to this list whenever you feel the resentment building up or the hamster start spinning.
"Is this the hill I want to die on?" I love asking myself this when I get aggravated. Is this the event that I want to set the tone for the day? Is this the fight I want to have? Is this the thing that I am willing to sacrifice the harmony in my relationship for? The answer 9.5 times out of 10 is no. So I drop it.
Ask yourself why is what he's doing or not doing making you feel like you need to keep score. Typically it will be a "you" problem and not a "him" problem.
In her book The Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle points out the obvious to us and says that every time we doubt our man (or judge him) we are doing the same to ourselves. We chose this man. Did we really choose so poorly?
I hope some of the advice and examples I gave ring true to some of you ladies and I hope it helps you with your relationships. Red pill changed my life and marriage for the absolute better but it takes a lot of work to get there. But it is so worth it. It's a journey that is never quite finished no matter how long you've been practicing but it does get easier.
PS - If anyone has other examples of keeping score or other ways they broke their habit that are helpful, please post them in the comments! ❤️