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THEORYKeeping Score in Your Relationship (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

Do you keep score in your relationship? Are your sure? It's harder to pin point than you think, but not as hard a habit to break as you'd think. Here are two of the most common ways we as women "keep score":

"He doesn't love me as much as I love him because he didn't do x!" Men and women are different. We all learned that in health class. But the anatomical differences are only the beginning. Our minds are completely different and we reason and operate completely differently, despite what the feminist agenda would have you believe. The way you would solve a problem or draw a conclusion is vastly different from how your SO would. Women focus on the emotional, we can empathize, we pick up on body language and the inflection of one's voice and try and determine what the person actually meant. Men listen to the words. (Men feel free to comment if I left any part out, but I am making generalizations here for both genders.)

To conclude that your SO doesn't love you because he doesn't solve a problem or handle a situation the way you would is a ludicrous. Has it ever occurred to you that you may not always handle a situation or problem the way he would want you to? There are two sides to every coin. You're not happy with every conclusion he's ever drawn? Guess what my dear, he's not happy with all of yours either.

"I do x, y and z everyday and he complains whenever I ask him to do the dishes!" Women seem to think that they are the ones doing more in a relationship. All the time. And they seem to love to be martyrs, thinking they're doing everything so they can throw it in their man's face at a later time. Just because you know the perfect way to load the dishwasher or you think the kitchen floor should be swept every night before bed doesn't mean he agrees. Who put you in charge of setting the bar of cleanliness in the house anyway? If the house is your "domain" and you think you have the best way to do everything, then feel free to do the work.

Your SO and you will see differently on subjects and just because his bar isn't as high as yours doesn't mean he's wrong. Maybe you are, ever think of that? Maybe your SO doesn't mind the floors feeling a little crunchy or if there's dinner dishes in the sink. But you do. Well go ahead and do them. Why do you get to bitch at him for something you want done?

Obviously each couple has a different way they split up the chores and share the housework but what it comes down to is this: if it's your SO's job to fold the towels than don't criticize the way he does it. STFU or do it yourself. It doesn't mean he loves you less or that you're better, it means he doesn't care if all the forks are facing the same way in the silverware tray.

This doesn't just apply to housework, this is just the most popular complaint I see. It applies to raising kids and work outside the home as well. Just because he does it different doesn't mean he does it wrong. Being judgemental in your attitude is condescending and bitchy and will hurt your relationship.

Breaking the habit Keeping score is detrimental to the harmony and intimacy in your relationship. Putting yourself in the position of judging makes you feel like you're the more superior and will tear down your SO and put up a a wall in your relationship. Keeping score comes out in a variety of ways including using a harsh tone when he does something, rolling your eyes, scolding, nagging and bitching. Feel like your SO is pulling away from you? Who would want to be close to somebody who makes them feel like less of a person 24/7?

Luckily, it's an easy habit to fix. I recommend:

  • Make a list of all of your SO's good traits and the nice things he's done and does do for you. The more you start thinking about it, the more you'll find! Refer back to this list whenever you feel the resentment building up or the hamster start spinning.

  • "Is this the hill I want to die on?" I love asking myself this when I get aggravated. Is this the event that I want to set the tone for the day? Is this the fight I want to have? Is this the thing that I am willing to sacrifice the harmony in my relationship for? The answer 9.5 times out of 10 is no. So I drop it.

  • Ask yourself why is what he's doing or not doing making you feel like you need to keep score. Typically it will be a "you" problem and not a "him" problem.

  • In her book The Surrendered Wife, Laura Doyle points out the obvious to us and says that every time we doubt our man (or judge him) we are doing the same to ourselves. We chose this man. Did we really choose so poorly?

I hope some of the advice and examples I gave ring true to some of you ladies and I hope it helps you with your relationships. Red pill changed my life and marriage for the absolute better but it takes a lot of work to get there. But it is so worth it. It's a journey that is never quite finished no matter how long you've been practicing but it does get easier.

~Sadie

PS - If anyone has other examples of keeping score or other ways they broke their habit that are helpful, please post them in the comments! ❤️


[–]VigilantRedRoosterModerator 7 points8 points  (1 child)

"He doesn't love me as much as I love him because he didn't do x!"

This is a classic example of a covert contract, one of the main themes of the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. I went looking for an article about it directed at women, but most of what I found was mixed with blue pill advice, so here is a good article on the main TRP sub that goes deeply into the concept.

This is a HUGE source of relationship conflict! Women are masters of the social sphere, and are much more skilled at reading subtle cues and subtexts and hints in communication. Men, on the other hand, tend to speak directly and openly, and are notoriously bad at "reading minds." Learn to eliminate covert contracts from your mental repertoire, and instead work at negotiating win-win overt contracts with your partner!

Excellent writing, Sadie!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Another popular example of keeping score/covert contract: showing affection when you are given gifts. That's not to say you shouldn't be appreciative and affectionate if given something special, but women should always be loving. And yes, I'm talking about sex, especially.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg yes! Sex is a big one. I hate women that use sex as a tool or weapon against men. They're basically some of the worst ppl out there.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Thank you for your kind words! It's wonderful that you acknowledge all he does for you. I like to try and outdo my husband with kindness and he's actually told me he does the same thing to me. It's a nice competition to have! :-)

[–]CharmingChica 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's an adorable competition to have :)

[–]meh613 0 points1 point  (8 children)

The way I see it is that before living together, one lives with mostly members of the same gender, which is easier because one shares the same anatomy. When one moves in with one's SO, they have to share a lot more, whether that's a bed, a restroom, a kitchen, a car, etc. So one's standards are inevitably not going to be met.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (7 children)

Very true. However women tend to somehow relate their SO's not doing things their way with them not caring about them which is ridiculous.

[–]Mackowatosc 1 point2 points  (6 children)

Yeah, my ex-gf had that. In her case, it was that she was 100% convinced that "i should compromise", and by compromise she meant "always do as woman demands". Needless to say, that relationship did not last.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

So many women have it in their heads that they know best and idk where that assumption comes from. Maybe because it's the house and women have typically always done the house work? In that case go ahead and do it all yourself or stfu about it.

[–]Mackowatosc 0 points1 point  (2 children)

where that assumption comes from

Upbringing. Parents raising kids in the way of "you are the best, you are the right one, you are a special snowflake, no consequences".

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I'm more inclined to think its the feminist agenda. Look at the media, every show has a stressed out, in charge woman with a dumb ass boyfriend.

[–]Mackowatosc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very true.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I find that sahm can be the most bossy when it comes to keeping home. Have you ever seen that show Wife Swap? Watch it. Everytime there's a sahm she is VERY particular how things should be cleaned, organized etc. It's her turf. They can get nuts, but I can see why it becomes an obsession. I had a friend who worked in a clothes store, she would tell me how pissed she got when people would mess just the sweaters she JUST folded. Hehe

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Omg yes I worked at a clothing store too as a manager and I was SO PARTICULAR!! And I'm not saying that's a bad thing but if you "know" the dishes are cleaned better arranged "this" way in the dishwasher then YOU do it. Women nag their husbands and then wonder why they don't jump up to help.

[–]PinnedWrists 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Kinda off topic.

This reminds me of John Grey, the "Venus and Mars" guy. He said something along the lines of: Men and women both keep score in their relationships. Both are very fair. If a woman does the dishes, she get a point. If she buys him a car, she gets 1,000 points. If he does the dishes, he gets a point. If he buys her a car, he gets another point.

His point was that men and women keep score differently, and women prefer a lot of little things done often than one big thing done once a month.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

See I don't think the way women keep score is fair at all. Men have responsibilities in the house and out of the house. Often times women don't feel the same onus to earn money the way men do. Plus they help out with the household chores. Women feel that being a mother is more difficult than being a dad ("oh I get to be the mean one, you get to be the fun one") I am of course making broad generalizations in my post but men seem to see things more for what they actually are than women do.

[–]YoureAfuckingRobot 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Wow I wish my last LTR knew about this. Well said from both perspectives.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like if this small thing was fixed in all relationships we would see divorce plummet. Just because of this one simple bad habit.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (6 children)

This is a tough one, because it is a natural evolutionary trait, and it is not always bad.

For example: if your husband refuses to get a job, help around the house, or spend any time with his children, then keeping score is an effective technique to prevent yourself from being used. Or if one person is imposing unfair standards that they are not expected to live up to.

However, in a stable loving relationship, you are right. I told my husband when I met him that using sex as currency would make me a whore, and I won't do it. Now, I might not want to have sex after an argument, but that is because fighting is not sexy. As soon as I get back in the mood (usually a couple of hours) I am good to go. I have struggled with this with housework, though.

I think it honestly boils down to always giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, the same courtesy you would give a stranger. Is he not sweeping the floor to irritate you, or did he honestly forget because a nightly sweeping is just not a priority for him? Maybe he thinks you load the dishwasher wrong.

I always try to ask myself if he would get angry if the situation was reversed. The answer is generally no.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (5 children)

RPW stresses the importance of vetting a man before you commit to him. If you did poorly, yes, you're at risk for being used however most of the women here know how to properly seek out a good, strong leader (or are learning) in which case being used is not a concern.

always giving your husband the benefit of the doubt

Yes

I always try to ask myself if he would get angry if the situation was reversed. The answer is generally no.

This is another good way to look at things. It's good to recognize (especially in the moment) that we are often also wrong or perhaps be doesn't like the way we do something but keeps quiet about it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Yes and no. People can change as they grow, and vetting someone at 25 does not mean that the hardships of life won't change him. Bad things happen to good people.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Bad things happen to good people.

Something bad happening to someone isn't necessarily their fault is it? If your husband has something bad happen to him shouldn't you be there to support him? And obviously vice versa

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

To a point, yes. But there is a point when supporting someone turns into them using you, and despite what they have gone through, you also deserve happiness.

Do you really not get this, or are you being intentionally obtuse?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Uh we can disagree if you want, you don't need to name call. You're on a subreddit that stresses standing by your captain and your relationship. So don't come here arguing against what we stand for and calling me names.

[–]VigilantRedRoosterModerator[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mod warning: It's okay to disagree with someone, but don't become disagreeable in the process.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]VigilantRedRoosterModerator[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please don't come here just to pet the unicorns.