[FIELD REPORT]The Gaming Analogy that shut my friends up with their judgments about me trying to be a RPW (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by kuriosity_kat

In the past few months, I've done really well incorporating a lot of what I've read on this sub and elsewhere on the internet into my relationship, and things have been going great! My friends have been a bit confused and rather judgmental though of me having my SO take the lead in our relationship. Finally, I appealed to the gamers in them to explain why I loved our new setup.

I play World of Warcraft, and in the game, there are different roles for dungeons and raids, like tank and healer. Generally, the tank leads the way in all of these scenarios with the healer's only job being to keep them and the rest of the team alive. Not only does it help make sure that everyone stays together, but then you don't have multiple people trying to decide that they know which way to go or what to do next.

In my relationship, my SO is the tank and I'm the healer. He leads me and I support him. That's not at all saying that I don't have the capacity to lead myself. If I was playing solo, I would still be able to survive, and I have knowledge of what we're doing, so I'll occasionally offer input if he needs it. But our two-person team works so much better when only one of us is making the decisions.

They actually seemed to warm up to the idea a little after I explained it this way. I think they just always saw it as me giving up my autonomy because "women aren't as smart as men" or something similarly silly. But I think now they see that it's about being the best team possible. Feels good for them to understand a little more :)

[–]JackGoldsteinWrites 8 points9 points  (12 children)

I "game" with my girlfriend once in awhile too - she's range and I'm melee. It's actually really fun because she likes that I occupy mobs while she picks away at them. I find it's a bit like our real life roles as well - I usually deal with unpleasantness and do the bits where the "aggressive asshole" is required, and she's happy someone does it for her (i.e., negotiate on a new car, tell the neighbors to tone down the music, deal with mechanics, etc)

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 7 points8 points  (10 children)

I'm trying to convince my SO to start playing WoW with me. It's not really his thing, but maybe he'll come around. Definitely jealous that you guys game together!

[–]jade_catEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (4 children)

I got my husband into WoW. It was his second time trying WoW, and at lower levels he wasn't really enjoying it much. However, we eventually leveled characters together, and it made the game much more enjoyable, for both of us. Questing and doing dungeons together was really fun !

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I'm going to see if I can get him to do the "free trial" version where it lets you go to level 20 or something similar. I anticipate the subscription being a hurdle. "If I buy the game, why should I continue to pay for it every single month?"

[–]jade_catEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I'm going to see if I can get him to do the "free trial" version where it lets you go to level 20 or something similar.

Good idea. Maybe you should level a character with him too :) Also, leveling is much faster now than it was before.

"If I buy the game, why should I continue to pay for it every single month?"

Back in the days when you bought a game for the NES, the game you paid for was fully coded and no change would come later. You finish the game, that's it. Nothing's added. 100% of the content was on the cartridge before it was released.

However, in MMORPGs, development of the game doesn't stop when it gets released. Employees of the company still work to add more content, more raids, more mounts, etc, as well as bug fixing, game mechanics modifications, etc. Each expansion of the game has patches, both minor and major. Here is a list of patches for Cataclysm, MoP and WoD expansions.

Also, server maintenance and in-game support (by Game Masters) are done 24/7.

All of these require a significant amount of employees continuously working on the game. The subscription helps pay for that.

However, apparently that in the upcoming WoD patch, there will be a way to avoid (or at least minimize) subscription fees (source).

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh don't worry, I've explained to him why there's a subscription. He just feels like there are plenty of great games that don't need that, so if he's going to play a game, he'd try that. And I would definitely level with him! I wouldn't turn down a perfectly good opportunity to level a new character :)

[–]skunchers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Solution? Play Aion!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Does he play any games? I'm definitely more 'finicky' when it comes to playing games (though I'm content to watch just about anything). Hearthstone is a lot of fun, and easy to learn (though you can't play together as a team, you can only play against each other).

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I've had him try a bunch of different kinds of games, he just never really gets into any of them. Except Rock Band. We play a lot of Rock Band. But it's not really the same as progressing through a game together.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Just a word of caution on the whole gaming together thing. It can be awesome and wonderful but it can open up a hole for shit to come between you two. I say this as a person who's been through it. I've seen guilds get torn apart over issues with "couples". There is an inherent conflict of interest if one of you is a guild leader for example. Other dudes that play games often try to white knight on females they play games with as well. It starts very subtly so you may not notice. Don't involve other people you game with into you and your SO's disagreements. It's only trouble. Don't let other people worm the idea into your head that your being mistreated or one of you is a bitch/asshole. It starts a slippery slope of losing mutual respect.

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I get what you're saying, but this could apply to anything, not specifically gaming.

Don't involve other people you game with into you and your SO's disagreements. It's only trouble. Don't let other people worm the idea into your head that your being mistreated or one of you is a bitch/asshole. It starts a slippery slope of losing mutual respect.

This could be said for any hobby/activity, or even just said in general to a couple. Other people shouldn't be involved in my disagreements with my SO, and I definitely shouldn't be letting other people try to convince me that my SO is being a jerk.

I think that if people have issues with this sort of dynamic while gaming, they probably have issues with this dynamic outside of games too.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes but gaming seems to bring it out very easily. It's one of the most common channels for it. I'm not saying don't game. I am an avid LoL player.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I often prefer to play as a healer/ranged/or rogue. My SO and I play Diablo III together (as well as several other games) and he enjoys being a brawler/melee character. It translates into our day to day life as well, though he doesn't act like an "aggressive a**hole" - he is simply firm, straightforward, and calm.

[–]tintedlipbalm 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Tbh I don't get why people get so judgy about this. A CEO has a bigger role and more power than an employee, yet being the employee is not a bad thing. I don't get why people think everyone has to strive to lead in every aspect of their lives. Every role in a team matters.

[–]ColdEiric 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't get why people think everyone has to strive to lead in every aspect of their lives. Every role in a team matters.

Because some have issues with pride, narcissism, not being in the spotlight, and some do not understand the concept of 'The sum is more than its parts'.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Good observation. /u/talktohusband actually recently posted a thread dealing with this same idea.

I really love this idea, because it illustrates a difference in skills/priorities and how those are translated into a team dynamic without people assuming that one person is entirely 'useless'/weak (which is a common criticism of RPW users).

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Oh gosh, how did I miss that? Lol not trying to steal anyone's thunder or anything like that.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Haha, it's not a problem. I like to try and link previous threads that are relevant to the discussion whenever possible. You figured out this example on your own, just as TalkToHusband did and you both wrote a post about it.


Rest assured, no thunder is being 'stolen.'

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Ha, I feel like most other places on Reddit would have been so nasty about that, guess I just was ready for the backlash. People on Reddit can be assholes. Shocking, right? :P

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The sub is fairly focused in terms of content and discussions, so having over-lap and seeing repeating themes is normal as new users come in, observe and participate. When the same question gets posted five times in a week - that can get a bit redundant and slightly annoying sometimes. That said, original content posts are always appreciated. I love reading insights/theory etc from users and try to encourage people to post new threads whenever possible. :0)

[–]WhimsicalWonderland 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Someone posted a really similar thread a few days ago with a similar topic. I definitely agree with the analogy. I'm surprised that your friends understood a little more afterwards. Most men and women prefer "egalitarian" relationships nowadays, and honestly, I do not think Red Pill is too far from it. We are equal in our strengths and weaknesses. Just because he takes charge doesn't mean we're not equal. We just play different roles and make a better team, like you said.

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

They didnt necessarily agree, but they had a better understanding of my logic. I think that sometimes people think "egalitarian" means everyone should be the same and do the same things. I'm more of the opinion that its about equal opportunities where people can do whatever they want. Play to your strengths!

[–]jade_catEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is why I prefer to use the word "complementarity" rather than the word "equality". There is usually less confusion.

[–]DoxasticPoo 2 points3 points  (3 children)

What about DPS?

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I think we both do plenty of damage on our own!

I could continue the adorable analogy and say that maybe when my SO and I get married and have kids, we could have our very own little pack of damage dealers to fill up our group :)

[–]Virtualization_Freak -1 points0 points  (1 child)

You don't need DPS if a Tank and a Healer outlast everything. You simply take long to beat the opponent.

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hence why our relationship right now as just the two of us works well as it is. A DPS would be more of a nice bonus I guess.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bwahahah I'm always the healer in actual gaming as well :D Love it.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And you don't fuck with your healer... Only noobs fuck with the healer.

[–]through_a_ways 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I sometimes go "feminine" in TF2. When there are lots of combat roles being played, I go medic. Medic is pretty easy to play in comparison to the others, but I add more value by doing the "dirtywork" than by playing another redundant role.

It kind of reminds me of something I've read about Japan, which is that individual competition is shunned in favor of group competition, because of the collectivist and humble culture.

I wouldn't want to be a "househusband", because I don't like the idea of being a woman's cheerleader, and such relationships end up ultimately less happy. Objectively, though, I'm way more interested in (and probably better) cooking, cleaning, hardware projects, gardening, and playing with kids than I am in work.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)


[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When you ask what's wrong with the opposing scenario, you are asking about exceptions to the rule, or outliers in the data. These things exist, sure. They even work at times. Here at RPW, however, we like to focus on the majority, not on the outliers. Thus, we primarily look at the male lead, female support dynamic and center discussion and advice around that. It's not to say that any other system doesn't work, but rather that those other systems aren't our focus.

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's really just my personal preference. I like taking care of people, so it feels natural for me to take up the support role. My own skills just lend themselves to this kind of system.

Amusingly enough, this mindset does bleed through to WoW. Almost all my characters are healers.

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Why would you ask that here? Do you not know what subreddit you're on? It's the default because this is RPW. If she wanted to play a different role she could find a different sub.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

From what I can tell, the user likes to post on RP subs only to ask about 'exceptions' etc. Fairly annoying, but otherwise not worth paying attention to (in my opinion). :0)

[–]M3_Drifter 0 points1 point  (2 children)

That's a really good analogy. Does it work with non-gamer friends as well?

[–]kuriosity_kat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Eh, sometimes, it's just more confusing then since I have to explain a bit more. But even if they don't jump on board at the end, they at least seem to have a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

[–]aTweetingBird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think with non-gamer friends, you could use a dancing analogy. In order for a dance to work, one person has to lead and one has to follow. You can't really have a dance work if both people are trying to lead.

[–]imperial_scum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does popping out of stealth and shanking the backs of my beloved's enemies as he man-handles them count?

[–]FeralHousewife -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yaaaah... I don't do heals. I tank. My main is a prot pally, sides are prot warrior and blood DK. The best thing about being a paladin is you can tank and still heal yourself if the healer is distracted or laggy. The two sides are fun for a change of pace but my pally just owns.

I know where I'm going. I know what I'm doing. I keep the mobs contained so no one else gets a speck of agro. Shield Slam is one of the best things ever.

Not sure what this whole pill thing is, but if it means I need to roll heals, I ain't swallowing it.