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RELATIONSHIPSSoft Power (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor

I wrote a recent post about three of my girlfriends who had felt they "molded" their man into the success that he presently is but then their men cheated on them in return. These girlfriends also had domineering aggressive personalities. They frequently fought with their husbands because they felt they weren't getting what they wanted in return.

I remember I had visited one of those girlfriends a few years ago, when I was with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend would always be helpful to me - taking my suitcase, opening doors, paying for me, offering his sweater when I was cold. My girlfriend would always be astonished and ask me how she could "get one of those." It made me think...

Basically there are two ways to get something out of your man: by demanding he does it for you or by inspiring him to do it for you. Inspiring him is soft power.

Have no expectations. Be capable, but if he offers to help you, graciously accept. The common problem is women expect their men to do things for them all the time, so when he doesn't contribute, the women becomes a shrew and nags. For example: My friend is grocery shopping with her boyfriend. After checkout, she looks at him expectantly for him to take the bags. He grumbles and feels resentful. However, if you take the bags yourself, he may or may not offer to help you. I find that most boyfriends do, if they see you doing it yourself. But the key is to have them offer to help you, not to expect (or direct) them to help you.

Make your boundaries clear and then STFU. It's high character for a woman to have boundaries. Men also prefer you to have boundaries because they don't actually want to walk all over you - that's reserved for plates. But there's a huge difference in how you set them. For example, let's say you're anti-smoking and your boyfriend smokes, but he knows he should quit. Instead of nagging at him every time he takes out a cigarette and telling him how disgusting it is, tell him you don't like smokers and then STFU. Next time he smokes, don't say anything but make subtle reactions such as waving smoke away from you, or not kissing him if he has cigarette breath. This is soft power. Nagging is not.

Don't give him a reason to not offer something to you. This mostly coincides with nagging and resentment. If you're a peaceful serene woman who doesn't give any trouble, it's actually very easy for men to want to help you. If you've emasculated him or controlled him in some way, he doesn't feel tender toward you. This is the easiest soft power, you don't have to do anything!!! I often just sit on the couch watching TV while my boyfriend is working, then he'll offer to take me out. I never ask him. But my girlfriend whines that her boyfriend is boring by staying home then her boyfriend is angry and feels like he has to owe her by taking her out. See the difference?

Be maternal in your chores but not your actions. OK, so men want someone who's nurturing, we all know that. But how can we be nurturing without being too motherly? Here's the trick: be maternal in your chores (cooking, laundry,) but don't ACT maternal. This means don't ask him how he feels, don't run to solve his problems, don't hug him like a child, don't organize his daily agenda for him. Most of the time when a man wants a nurturer he really means acceptance, because his mother accepted him. When you start reminding him or controlling him, you've moved from girlfriend to domineering mother. Just take care some basic chores to contribute to the household and let him figure out his life on his own. Making him feel sexy and admired is number one, not wiping his shirt when he has a stain on it.

Vet, vet, vet. This may be the most important thing to remember: A truly masculine man is giving and generous. If he was not actively taking the lead when you met and also throughout your courtship, he is not a true masculine man, or at least not to you. You must hold out for a good match/chemistry if you wish to have a successful relationship. Don't just look at his job, his salary, his physique, his hobbies - look at if he likes making decisions. If he doesn't like making decisions and waffles frequently, guess what, he won't change. And he most likely won't lead. For soft power to work, you need a truly masculine man who likes making decisions. And you should love him for the man he is. He doesn't like going out, but you do? Don't expect him to offer to take you out even if you're being soft and feminine. It's not who he is. Accept him or move on.


[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes! This is a better way of putting it. Thanks for the input.

[–]LOST_TALE 0 points1 point  (0 children)

nicotine actually fullfills a chemical that is lacking in people who have been victims of abuse/neglect in their childhood.

perhaps you can substitute in the meantime he goes off. don't remember the details.

[–]bigbundt 0 points1 point  (2 children)

By removing your presence

While this could be effective, I think a man should be conscientious enough not to subject you to second hand smoke.

[–]mrpthrowa 0 points1 point  (1 child)

you can only change yourself.

[–]bigbundt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wasn't implying you can change anyone else.

[–]glitterchild 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Such a great post! If I knew how to give gold I would give you gold

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awwww what a compliment! Thank you dear x

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I love your input in this sub. You are such an asset to this community, I love your theory posts!

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Thank you!!! That made me really happy :))))))))))))

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

You're welcome! You deserve it, all your posts are amazing.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

:-*

[–]r3mememember 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Telling a man what to do is the same thing as telling him he's not good enough.

[–]est-la-lune 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Excellent, thank you!

[–]yourewelcome_bot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're welcome.

[–]tempintheeastbayEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a little off-topic, and apparently everyone else I've ever recommended this show to HATES it... :p

But Happy Endings (sitcom, Friends-esque) had an episode called "Making Changes" that featured basically this storyline. Penny, a 30-something character very much freaking out about being post-Wall, decides on her married friend's advice to "change a man to suit her" instead of the other way around. The exact phrase they use it "woman him around a little". What ends up happening is that she makes her new BF sooooo much more appealing, that his ex-gf returns and two promptly get engaged, to Penny's dismay.

Obviously her techniques are wildly exaggerated for humor, but I found the idea quite amusing.

[–]YoungYogiMama 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This was an amazing post! Thank you for writing it! Everything you said has been so true in my experience. Loved the bit about doing maternal chores but not treating your man like you're his mom! I do my mans laundry, clean, cook for him, pack his lunch, bake for him, run various errands for him & other helpful maternal tasks. But i DONT baby him, ask about his feelings, nag him or mommy-smother him in any way. I treat him like my best friend and lover (not my baby)! This works out very well for us. Great advice!

[–]yourewelcome_bot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're welcome.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Not really sure soft power is that helpful for something crazy addictive like smoking. Which isn't to say that nagging is either, of course. Though I did try to get my husband to associate negative things with smoking. I used to let myself be a nag only while he was having a cigarette. But I made sure not to bother him about smoking when he wasn't in the act of doing it.

My husband and I actually created a game plan. He switched to ecigs, and I mix the nicotine liquid. When I decide to, but not every time, I decrease the concentration of the nicotine slightly (we do it this way to avoid placebo type issues, but I also keep the levels constant when he's extra stressed). He's cut down his nicotine usage by about 17% thus far, so things are looking good! And his lung function already improved a lot just from switching to the ecig.

I try not to nag, but I don't really hint at things. I'll tell him "hey, I like this" or "I want to do this" and try to not nag him about it. But I think clarity helps. You can be straightforward without being pushy, and that's often appreciated. The key is to not repeat it constantly. Also politeness, but that should always be a given.

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I actually have a story about soft power and smoking. My first LTR smoked cigarettes, bad addiction. I never nagged at him but I would excuse myself when he was smoking and not be in his presence, or be hesitant to kiss him. When he came home to meet my parents for week (we met in another state) I told him he had to smoke at the side of our house so my parents wouldn't see him, because they're extremely anti-smoking. He eventually felt ashamed and quit. His parents were so surprised because they had been trying to get him to quit after 10 years.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did all that at first. It was actually pretty similar except that it didn't end with him quitting. My husband has been unable to get through the physical withdrawal symptoms without having panic attacks. Slowly tapering it off makes a big difference, but you can't really do that so well with cigarettes.

[–]MakeItSchnappy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is exactly the type of woman I am trying to avoid ever coming into contact with.