59
60

RELATIONSHIPSOn vetting marriage minded men (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor

Vetting is not only crucial aspect of gaining lifelong commitment but also a strong and lasting marriage where both people are dedicated to each other. I feel that women nowadays have trouble vetting between men who just want to have fun and men who are marriage minded.

Remember: It is YOUR responsibility to vet carefully before going too deep into a relationship that could be taking advantage of your precious time and energy. Tingles from an "alpha" man can easily take over your judgment!

Here are some qualities to look for in men who date with the goal of marriage:

1) Family oriented - does he visit his parents during the holidays or does he go out partying with friends? If he has siblings, are they married or in committed LTRs? Does he have a good relationship with his parents? If a man doesn't have a sense of belonging to his family that brought him up, then he'll be less likely to want a sense of belonging as an adult.

2) Social circle - does he have a select few guy friends or a big social circle that includes friends that are girls? Men who are social butterflies tend to need new and exciting people in their lives and are less likely to settle down. Look for men who have a few close guy friends he spends time with. He'll be more likely to choose one woman by his side rather than many.

3) Stable job - does he have a job that brings in consistent money, or does he have many ambitions? Overly ambitious men can seem attractive and give you tingles, but be careful! It's either a sign of selfishness (ego, narcissism) or financial instability (freelance life). There is a significant difference between men who have careers solely for themselves vs men who have careers to support a family. I work in an artistic field so I have witnessed many of these men with "exciting new projects" that may give you tingles but guess what? They tend to cheat, have many girlfriends or have no money.

5) Character - does he follow through with what he says he will do? Is he direct in his communication? Sometimes women can be put off by how blunt or direct men can be, but the opposite is a smooth talking crooning guy who can talk you into something you don't know what you're getting into. Similarly, marriage minded men (and men who will be committed husbands) are able to stay on task, even if there bumps on the road. They will be natural problem solvers that keep their eyes ahead long-term.

As my father says: "Look for a husband who is smart, has a stable job and a good heart, respect him, and take care of him."


[–]NubianIbex 17 points18 points  (1 child)

The qualities you mentioned are indeed important to vet. However, I think it wouldn't suffice to vet a marriage-minded man. He should be marriage-minded to you and share your timeline of commitment.

I'll elaborate. Maybe your relationship is great and he loves you, but he doesn't see himself marrying and starting a family with someone of your age, ethnicity, education level, religious beliefs, financial background, sexual experience, etc. It might be because his family wouldn't support this union, it might be because he holds certain professional ambitions and thinks he needs a different kind of wife to promote these goals, it might be all sorts of things. You can take the chance that he'll marry you and you'll get your fairy tale ending (look at Meghan Markle). You might also end up with a pumpkin for a carriage.

Timeline compatibility is also crucial. He might be Mr. Right, but not Mr. Right now. Finding a man before he realistically envisions himself being a husband and a father means you'll have to grow into this mindset together. If you're already in the mindset of being a wife (and/or mother), it's best you vet a man who shares the same timeline. His lifestyle can be a signal of his frame of mind. Does he go out partying often? Is he saving money for a home? Does he have future plans that do not seem inclusive of a family (quitting his job, adventurous travelling)? Are many of his friends and acquaintances in LTRs/engaged/married?

[–]vanBeethovenLudwigEndorsed Contributor[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yep, definitely. This is where it's tricky and risky for women because it's important to have a good relationship, and unfortunately there's no way to know a person without taking the time to build up trust and working compatibility. Usually a couple has to go through some sort of small crisis to really get a grasp of what it's like to get through life together (as my boyfriend says, love is proven through the difficult times). Loyalty is also proven over time as well.

That's why the family values/background is extremely important - some men simply don't get into a LTR without the end goal of marriage. Some men date for fun, for a "right now girlfriend" but some men don't bother to invest their energy into a LTR unless he's thinking about marriage. You can look at also cultural and religious backgrounds as well. Remember that relationships are still work for men - if he's putting in effort for you and slowly integrating you into his life, you can be sure he's taking you seriously.

[–]GayLubeOilTRP Senior Endorsed 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Look at his hands if he doesn't have thick calluses from lifting heavy things he's a delicate soft handed beta male. Physical weakness is emotional weakness is mental weakness. A man who isn't willing to endure suffering to achieve his goals will only disappoint you.

[–][deleted]  (4 children)

[deleted]

[–]Rivkariver2 Star 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I wouldn't punish people for their families, as long as they are their own person.

[–]Austinisfullgohome 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exactly. My guy is the black sheep (white sheep?) of his family. He’s the only consistently employed, home-owning, non substance abuser with a healthy BMI.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. I think what his friends are doing in their lives is a more relevant point.

[–]M23W0OH7FV2t 0 points1 point  (0 children)

1) Family oriented - does he visit his parents during the holidays or does he go out partying with friends? If he has siblings, are they married or in committed LTRs? Does he have a good relationship with his parents? If a man doesn't have a sense of belonging to his family that brought him up, then he'll be less likely to want a sense of belonging as an adult.

Some of my cousins went to boarding schools in their youth. These types tend to be a mix of annoyed at their families for abandoning them at early ages and missing them. One of my cousins, in particular, will visit his parents every weekend -- an hour's flight -- and upon coming back, he'll complain about how micromanaging his parents are. He's a bit lost, but...

3) Stable job - does he have a job that brings in consistent money, or does he have many ambitions? Overly ambitious men can seem attractive and give you tingles, but be careful! It's either a sign of selfishness (ego, narcissism) or financial instability (freelance life). There is a significant difference between men who have careers solely for themselves vs men who have careers to support a family. I work in an artistic field so I have witnessed many of these men with "exciting new projects" that may give you tingles but guess what? They tend to cheat, have many girlfriends or have no money.

He got lucky in employment, joined Google before IPO and rode through that into a director role at a venture fund. While this was going on, he got a PhD from Stanford.

4) Character - does he follow through with what he says he will do? Is he direct in his communication? Sometimes women can be put off by how blunt or direct men can be, but the opposite is a smooth talking crooning guy who can talk you into something you don't know what you're getting into. Similarly, marriage minded men (and men who will be committed husbands) are able to stay on task, even if there bumps on the road. They will be natural problem solvers that keep their eyes ahead long-term.

Around me, he's a bit too direct. I'm not sure how he is around his wife, but given her personality, I think he's learned to tone it down. From what I've seen, they seem happy together.