FIELD REPORTUpdate: A lesson from the Surrendered Wife (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by Makrii817

Hi all, I wanted to give an update on my last post where I felt like my opinions weren’t being heard with my fiancé. I got some really great advice from some of you (special thanks to u/Ok_Philosopher!!) and I really appreciated it. I ended up having a really great discussion with my fiancé that opened my eyes to a lesson in the Surrendered Wife that I had previously disregarded.

Like suggested, I made sure to bring up my feelings when we were both relaxed and happy so he knew I wasn’t trying to attack him. We were snuggling after dinner and I brought up how I felt like my opinions were sometimes steam rolled over by his. He understood the metaphor because it was something I had talked about before we were even in a relationship; how as a quieter person, people sometimes pushed me into what they wanted to do because I had trouble saying no. In our relationship, he always promised to be my support system and to say no when I couldn’t.

So when I brought this up to him, he was genuinely shocked. He had never realized that I was expressing my opinions when we had disagreements. I had the tendency of saying things like “Why not ____?” and trying to convince him. I never said I wanted something, but rather tried to reason with him. So of course, in those situations, he would do what he thought was best because he thought I was just offering other points.

This all reminded me of a lesson in the Surrendered Wife about saying I WANT and not trying to reason or nag or convince your partner of something. Make it clear what you want without offering reasons or trying to cajole, and usually your mate wants you to be happy and will happily acquiescence. When reading the book, I thought it was too demanding for me to ever say, and it felt silly but that kind of clarity makes decisions simple.

Anyway, simple miscommunication with the fiancé could have ruined a night for us but thanks to you guys and the Surrendered Wife, it made our relationship even closer

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Good lesson to learn, glad it clicked.

I had the tendency of saying things like “Why not ____?” and trying to convince him. I never said I wanted something, but rather tried to reason with him.

Too many women are used to the passive, interpersonal-negotiation-discussion technique you describe. Men need direct desires, lists, bullet points, or we just hear what you say as opinions and a sounding board.

Upon reflection, I suspect I even know why this is. Men (well, alpha/confident ones, anyways) are encouraged to state their goals and desires clearly, to negotiate, to be firm and to make deals. Then the deal either happens, or they are rejected, and they can negotiate some more.

Women don't like rejection. They aren't used to it, and they avoid it. It's why so many women's troubles come from them expecting their husband to read their minds. Sometimes literally. Women will offer opinions, offer advice, offer all sorts of things (and act in various enticing/discouraging ways) but they RARELY make outright statements of desire/rejection.

How many times have you read/heard of ways for a woman to brush a guy off without explicitly rejecting him? How many women "ghost" men? It's popular because they don't want a negotiation or to state their desires; and they certainly don't want him to reject her desire to be rid of him!

Whereas men are used to and even desire confrontation, straight-forward negotiations, and clear speaking without the passive-aggression of women.

Huh. Writing all that explained it really well to myself, too. I love this sub.

[–]JackSkell0255 12 points13 points  (0 children)

And a nice technique to pick your moment for discussion.

[–]WhySoOverHeated 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What you explain you tried to avoid is exactly what happened between me and my partner yesterday. My partner and I ended up having a really bad argument for the first time because I brought up 'my wants' in a conversation where he was sharing his needs as well. It was incredibly bad timing as it made him feel attacked and unheard (it seems) and he firmly said "no" to my want. We completely misunderstood eachother. His respond to my "attack" made me feel so hurt, that I started shouting. Oh my that went SO bad!! I messed up. Your post relieves me - now I understand what went wrong a little more, and I will be ready for next time!! Thank you for sharing this.

[–]Makrii817[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Ah yeah it’s tough to balance! My fiancé and I try to implement a strategy where only one person can be angry at a time in a fight. That way it never devolves into a screaming match where neither of us feels heard and nothing gets solved. It isn’t always perfect but it helps because you deal with one problem at a time. Good luck!

[–]WhySoOverHeated 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Great Idea! I will tell my partner about it, maybe he likes it :) Thanks so much!

[–]PatriarchysConcubine 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the update!