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DISCUSSIONone of us! one of us! (x-post /r/deadbedrooms and /r/bestof) (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by [deleted]

i noticed this wonderful post when it popped up in /r/bestof, i guess a few of you saw it too.

in short, a sexless shrew wanders into /r/deadbedrooms and complains that her husband, gasp, wants sex. she pulls the poor man apart, saying that if he's unhappy with their sexless marriage, it's his own fault for not appreciating all of the other things they do together. like church and BBQs.

/u/wonderfly11 (a woman) comes along to tell it like it is. it's a beautiful, clear reply and has been guilded 13 times at the time of this post. i won't rephrase it here, as you should really read it in full. it's nothing we don't know, but something that can't be repeated enough!


[–]AerobusTRP MOD 29 points30 points  (2 children)

Women like the OP of the deadbedrooms post are why men don't want to get married anymore.

[–]Bortasz 5 points6 points  (1 child)

This, and the legal system that make Marriage screw in favour of women.

[–]through_a_ways 4 points5 points  (0 children)

And the other aspects of the legal system, and aspects of society/technological progress, which have inflated women's value.

Also synthetic estrogens errywhere probably can't help.

[–][deleted] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

further down in the comments a poster calls out her condemnation of the sexless wife as "horribly misguided and sexist."

wonderfly11's response to this:

It's a common fallacy that any criticism of a woman is "sexist". The problem with this fallacy is that it requires the woman to be the weak, helpless victim, which is wait for it... sexist.

boom!

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I know this wasn't the comment you pointed to but the first comment really stood out to me. Something to the effect of, she's sooo worried about what people think about them and keeping up appearences, but what is SHE actually DOING to maintain the marriage. And that she needs to work on herself or else her husband will leave her. That is the million dollar question I think with a lot of relationship problems!

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

there is a lot of fantastic advice in that thread. i'm so glad this woman wasn't supported in her sexual tyranny!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's refreshing to see people not agree with it for once :)

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (9 children)

Very interesting thread, I feel so bad for the husband. How can anyone be so inconsiderate and selfish?

[–]lisfb 7 points8 points  (5 children)

"I don't need sex to be happy and I don't get why he does. (...) he's making himself unhappy by not enjoying all these things (...) which suggests a mental attitude adjustment (...) I can't believe some people can obsess about it so much."

She feels that since she's checked out on the importance of sex in a relationship, her husband should, too. She's completely written off this aspect of their partnership and refuses to take it seriously when the matter is brought up. Sex is not the end all, be all, but it's a pretty big part of it all.

I clicked through her comment history and..well.. if she does decide to change, even if only in regards to modifying her current mindset of how she views her spouse and her marriage, she's got her work cut out for her.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

She sounds like like a horror. Her story serves as a good reminder of why we consider it so important to actively engage in (and enjoy) physical intimacy. It's worse because she thinks it's not a problem since they still kiss, cuddle etc. In her mind "there's no problem because I'm happy - why can't he just drop it?"

Her mentality is far too common, and it's always disheartening when someone says "I do all these other things, why isn't it enough?" when the truth is happy relationships are about looking out for (and acting in) your SO's best interests (as well as the best interests of the overall relationship).

[–]CureMeNot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Her mentality is far too common...

It is. She has the textbook example of a narcissistic personality. She can't see other people's point of view or needs. Her own happiness is the only thing that matters.

Some narcissists go into extremes and become sociopaths down the road. The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout is a great book on this topic.

But, luckily they're not hard to spot. The poor husband didn't choose wisely.

[–]alcockell 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Isn't it pretty much the nuclear core at the centre of a good marriage? Powers it?

[–]SarahC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's completely written off this aspect of their partnership and refuses to take it seriously when the matter is brought up. Sex is not the end all, be all, but it's a pretty big part of it all.

Isn't it the difference between friends living together, and partners?

I know the government uses it as a "Are you a couple?" question for welfare.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

i made the mistake of browsing through the wife's comment history. unbelievable. poor guy.

[–]SarahC 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The main posts gone. =(

[–]rpkarma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah he certainly picked a winner there. But he has a part in this too; somehow I doubt he's one that holds frame and is a rock in her emotional storm. On the other hand, when you're with someone as horrid as his wife, it's barely worth it to try and fix imo, better to walk away, but it will quite possibly financially ruin him. Sunk-costs are a bitch :/

[–]rattamahatta 9 points10 points  (4 children)

Screenshot before it was deleted http://i.imgur.com/eBamqaU.png

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Thank you! I wanted to see the op!

[–]rattamahatta 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Isn't she a magnificent creature. Real special.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Ugh, I think just brainwashed by feminist ideals her whole life. She needs an attitude adjustment.

[–]through_a_ways 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course, all women are special.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (5 children)

/u/wonderfly11's response is amazing, and I'm going to copy it here for users that don't click through to the original thread. She gives amazing advice and has a fantastic perspective.

As a woman with kids, I feel you are taking advantage of your husband and probably driving an enormous wedge between you two. Instead of gently leading you into a discussion about maintaining your identity as a mother and a wife, I'll ask you to consider the end game here.

There are women everywhere who love sex, you were one once. Your husband sounds like a great catch, since he's stayed with you while being neglected and made to feel undesirable. If sex isn't important to you, then of course you won't mind if he gets it somewhere else, right? What will happen to your libido when he leaves you for a passionate woman? Who, by your age, will probably have kids of her own, thus proving that it's possible to love your kids and your partner. When he leaves and you find yourself single, you reckon it will be easy to find another partner you don't have to have sex with? Or will you somehow get your ass in gear, get in shape, fix your hair, and magically remember how to flirt, seduce, and give blow jobs again? My suspicions are the latter.

I run the lab for an ob/gyn. I have the bad luck of sharing an open lab with a waiting room wall and end up in awkward conversations all day long with patients and husbands. Mostly husbands, as they wander over to the cute girl to ask questions about sex during pregnancy and after. It puts me in the worst position as I'm not ethically allowed to speculate on what happens to their wives that they suddenly feel entitled to all the perks of the relationship: the security, the home, the money, and the social status of marriage while withdrawing the singular act which separates their relationship from one with a sibling. I can't say anything to them, but I can tell you what they say to me. They proposition me. Every day, sometimes only one guy, some days it's all the husbands and fathers. And they don't think this is funny. They are miserable and angry and feeling used and I don't blame them. You can't feel it because you have no idea what it feels like to be shunned and rejected every day by the person who would hang the moon for you. What you are doing isn't just insensitive, it's hateful and it's guaranteed to make him love you less until he doesn't love you at all.

No one expects their wife to become a porn star after children. But if you can't manage to muster up some enthusiasm for intimacy that is somewhere between what you used to land him and what he's getting now, you are responsible for what happens next. Why in the world you'd give up the love and attention of a good man is beyond me. Sex is good for you. It strengthens your bond. That bond is good for your family. And it's the difference between a bitter, angry and distant couple and that great Romance worth toasting on your 25th anniversary.

You get to decide. Do you want a full life and a stronger marriage and happier family? Or do you just want to neglect him and bleed him dry until he cheats or leaves you to be with a passionate woman who will love him and your kids?

Beautifully written. :0)

[–]SarahC 8 points9 points  (1 child)

If sex isn't important to you, then of course you won't mind if he gets it somewhere else, right?

I totally agree with this.

Sex is the line between friends and partners - they're just friends right now.

As such, sex should be found elsewhere... he's not a priest, he certainly never made vows of celibacy... it was sprung on him after the vows were made.

Vice-versa too.... if a guy doesn't want sex...

(I think it's different if the one not wanting sex has a physical/mental problem, there partner should give it a best shot at celibacy - but if it's just a choice for the one not wanting sex... that's very different)

[–]Cronyx 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sex is the line between friends and partners - they're just friends right now.

That's really the main issue. You need that oxytocin interaction to maintain an intimate bond. We think we're special fucking snowflakes, but we really are just organic robots in a lot of ways, like other animals. There's some deeply ingrained root level thoughtware, millions of years old, chemical logic gates, that chain reaction larger gestalt personality triggers for rewarding productive couples, and discouraging non-productive ones. It isnt evolutionarially advantageous for celibate couples to stay emotionally bonded to each other. So they won't. If you want to stay happy, involved, committed and content with eachother long term, you've got to mainline that oxytocin and play to your evolutionary programming.

[–]SarahC 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Or do you just want to neglect him and bleed him dry until he cheats or leaves you

I wouldn't even call it "cheats" at this point, because the rules of the game aren't the game that's going on.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Really

[–]TheToastTotEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh man. I discovered that post because a bunch of twox shrews were complaining about it.

Of course they took the poor OP's side. The poor OP who has a wonderful husband, a husband that finds her attractive, a husband that stayed with her despite the non-existent sex life.

Their solution by the way? "THEY COULD HAVE JUST COMMUNICATEDDDDD" or "HE SHOULD THINK ABOUT HER FEELINGSSSS"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I saw that and just loved the hell out of it. And the fact that it's upvoted and gilded that much means even though most people won't admit the RP has it right in a lot of ways, they do agree with it in practice.
I feel so bad for the husband though. Stopped during pregnancy, and the kid is in preschool so at least 4 YEARS of basically no sex. That man is being neglected, and like the poster said, someone else may not neglect him.

[–]marriedalpha 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I come and visit RPW just because of these threads. Its great to see you girls so aware, I only hope I raise my daughters to be this enlightened.

[–]Temuzjin 4 points5 points  (2 children)

This is slightly off-topic, but as a man I'm always surprised by the tendency of women to delete their posts when someone calls them on their bullshit. I'm a man and if someone types a "you're wrong" reply to me that gets massively upvoted, then I'll either think "oh, I was wrong" and leave my post so that other people may learn from my mistake, or I think "I'm still right" and leave my post. I don't think "oh no, my online persona is losing internet points, better delete my post."

[–]through_a_ways 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is slightly off-topic, but as a man I'm always surprised by the tendency of women to delete their posts when someone calls them on their bullshit.

At least deleting your own posts is ethical, since it's your own content.

You should see the types of reasonable and well-written comments which routinely get nuked on women-based subreddits because they bring up points which are politically incorrect, or go wildly against the mainstream narrative (not this one of course).

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Women don't like to feel judged lol. I know it's stupid but I probably would have deleted it too if I were her.

[–]CopperFox3cTRP Endorsed 1 point2 points  (3 children)

That's a woman who understands the reality of things. I think they used to call that "common sense." Maybe one of you ladies should invite her over here, think she would fit in well ...

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

We don't go around actively recruiting users, if she finds her way here she may or may not care to participate and stick around. I wrote her username, so she'll be able to see that, and the rest is up to her.

[–]CopperFox3cTRP Endorsed 0 points1 point  (1 child)

That was a tongue-in-cheek suggestion ;)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the clarification. :0)

[–]trent_steele2015 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually here is the main post for those interested : http://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/30l3xh/perspective_from_a_ll_f/

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I read that the other day on a different subreddit. She talks about all of the other things in the marriage that should make her husband happy. However, sex, at least for most men, is like a governor (limiting factor) on a relationship. The relationship can never be better than the sex. Sex alone won't make a relationship, but sex alone can and will limit it (it can also unleash it).

[–]ohsnapt 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Well that is certainly a nice sentiment.

But what's she supposed to do? She doesn't enjoy the sex. Maybe he's bad at it. Are you supposed to just "suck it up" pardon the pun, and have sex you hate, for the rest of your life?

[–]eimat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She could talk to her doctor,get her hormone levels tested, get some estrogen, use lube, etc. If food was no longer interesting to you, you'd seek help before it became a life threatening problem, wouldn't you?