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FIELD REPORT[FR] Actually trusting your man means not checking up on him. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by lacygnus

Hello ladies of RPW,

I’ve mostly been a lurker on reddit in general but on here as well for the past while. I thought today I would share a post as I’ve been really focusing on making improvements in myself following RPW philosophy. Very thankful I’ve found this subreddit! Since I’ve started incorporating the tenets of RPW into my life I’ve noticed my relationship with my boyfriend growing by leaps and bounds. We’ve been together about five years and I’ve never felt more secure and in-love. I can’t speak for him although I have noticed he seems much less stressed these days! He’s a lawyer so his job is naturally high stress…. I think it’s made a difference that he’s had a lovely and calm home to come home to instead of nagging, manipulation or shrewish behavior.

Anyway, on to the situation that occurred that lead me to write my first ever post in RPW (and on reddit in general, I suppose?) Apologies if I make any errors, please feel free to let me know if there’s any way I can improve.

This past weekend one of our close friends was having their birthday. My boyfriend mentioned that he would like to throw her a surprise party as her husband just recently had a bit of a health scare and it’s been a tough time for both of them. I love planning parties so of course I jumped at the chance and invited all of our closest friends (mostly couples).

One of the couples that came, the boyfriend is very close to my boyfriend (we’ll call him K) and has been with his girlfriend (we’ll call her A) for about nine years. A can be a lovely person, her and I get along very well… when she’s sober. Unfortunately she’s quite prone to imbibing too much and there’s been multiple situations where she’s gotten completely wasted.

We chatted for a while as I put the finishing touches on the appies. She seemed in good spirits although she did make multiple complaints about her body and her appearance which was very sad for me to hear as she’s struggled with her body image for quite some time.

People steadily started showing up and one of my boyfriend’s buddies brought with him a beer pong set. My boyfriend loves playing games so him and his buddies played. At one point, my boyfriend was eager for me to play a round so the birthday girl and I played against my boyfriend and her husband. They let us use the sangria I made instead of beer since we’re not big drinkers and I had made the sangria very low in alcohol content for that exact purpose. It was super fun! We left them to their shenanigans once our game was over and myself and the other ladies headed out onto the patio to chat and sip on sangria.

A at this point had been knocking back drinks pretty rapidly and she was starting to get visibly drunk and somewhat belligerent. She mocked me and the birthday girl for playing beer pong with sangria and when the birthday girl laughed and shrugged that seemed to tick her off even more. She called us “p*ssies” and told us she’d “show [us] how it's done”. I laughed, thinking she was kidding, and went back to the conversation I was having with another girl. Next thing I know I hear the patio door open and close and she’s gone inside.

Ten minutes later my boyfriend’s cousin comes outside and looks mortified. She says that A is making an absolute spectacle of herself playing beer pong against my boyfriend, it had gotten so bad she couldn’t even watch she was so embarrassed for her. She tells me apparently she’s shaking her breasts at my boyfriend trying to distract him while he takes a shot and she’s twerking in the mirror and that she called K a homophobic slur in front of everyone. I’m stunned and my first urge is to run inside and see what’s going on, for some reason the hamster in my head starts getting angry at my boyfriend?!

I took a moment to calm myself down, debated pretending to go inside to grab a bite to eat (even though I’d already eaten, I clearly just wanted a reason to monitor my boyfriend's reactions to her behavior) and decided instead to stay and keep chatting with the ladies. I told my boyfriend’s cousin “oh no, how embarrassing for her, let me know if she needs anything” and went back to my conversation. I was fuming mad on the inside but I maintained calm on the outside and eventually my anger dissipated.

Long story short- she wound up vomiting all over the bathroom floor after the birthday cake was served. Being a good hostess I cleaned it up, gave her some old clothes of mine to change into as she’d thrown up on herself quite a bit, cleaned as much of the vomit out of her hair as I could and helped her boyfriend get her into their car. She texted me the next morning to tell me that she didn’t remember anything but that she had been told she was “a bit of a hot mess”. I decided to go the kind route and told her that I hope she doesn’t have too bad of a hangover and I thanked her for attending.

My boyfriend saw the text and commented on what a disaster she was and how embarrassed he was for her and how everybody was mortified watching her antics. We talked about it for a while and he said he might say something to her boyfriend as he doesn't understand how he can be with someone who was such a public embarrassment. Then he thanked me for throwing such a wonderful party and said he had a great time!!! I was beaming like an idiot.

Mission accomplished!

Moral of the story: Trust your man. ACTUALLY trust him. Don’t check up on him to make sure he’s “behaving” and don’t do so “subtly”. Whether or not he notices you’re checking up on him, that kind of behavior just feeds the hamster and reinforces those thoughts in your head.

PS- I’m open to any critiques about how I handled that! If any of you ladies have any suggestions I’d love to hear them. Not sure if I should have intervened when she was super drunk or if that would have just made me a target for belligerent drunken behavior.


[–]gYpsytuesday 9 points10 points  (7 children)

I love the refrence of the angry hamster on a wheel.

[–]lacygnus[S] 4 points5 points  (6 children)

It's SUCH a good visual! When I first started reading redpill theory and read about the hamster I was like 'oh my gosh... that's exactly what happens in my head!' Something minor would happen and I would make it a thousand times worse by following the most illogical, frantic chain of thought. I now see that I had a terrible victim complex.

Learning how to let that angry hamster run itself to exhaustion without expressing any of the anxiety outwardly was one of the best things I ever did for my relationship.

[–]CumForJesus 0 points1 point  (5 children)

I'm curious, why did you start getting mad at your boyfriend ? I have no idea how that works.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]lacygnus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thankfully I’m secure enough in my relationship to not stress over that stuff :) I’m pretty certain he didn’t want her as he’s always made it very clear he finds it exceptionally unattractive when women are too forward, too drunk or making a public spectacle of themselves. That could just be my hamster going but I’m not too worried about it.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    I'm curious, why did you start getting mad at your boyfriend ? I have no idea how that works.

    Why did I start getting mad at my boyfriend in the past or why did I get mad at him when the situation went down with the girl being a drunken mess?

    [–]CumForJesus 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    My question was about the drunk girl, but if you want to tell me about the past too, i'm listening.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I suppose I started getting mad at him because of classic hamster syndrome. I spent a long time with a sense of entitlement and false expectations of my relationship.

    Entitlement in the sense that I deserve to always be placated and catered to and false expectations that it's my boyfriend's responsibility to manage my feeeeeelings. The (false and hysterical) train of thought that lead to that blip of anger was probably (this is me speculating) "another woman hitting on my man makes me feel insecure, I shouldn't feel insecure, why is my boyfriend letting a situation that's making me feel insecure happen?!"

    I'm afraid those pathways in my brain were constructed over more than two decades so undoing them entirely is going to take some practice, patience and time. Rome wasn't built in a day and so long as I'm noticing and overcoming those unhelpful trains of thought I think I'm training my brain to eventually not follow them.

    I am incredibly fortunate to be with a man who is endlessly kind and patient and I intend to spend the rest of our lives working on being the kind of partner he deserves.

    [–]VigilantRedRoosterModerator 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    Great field report, you handled everything well! Engaging a drunk person who is belligerent or approaching so is difficult to pull off with feminine grace. As hostess you may be called upon to deal with this situation, but it sounds like your husband is a great team member and managed it well enough that you didn't need to.


    An important thing that should be pointed out, OP has been together for 5 years; her man has long since been thoroughly vetted, and it's safe for her trust to run on cruise control in this state.

    With a NEW (6mo-1y) relationship, I'd advocate more of a proactive "Trust but Verify" philosophy. You still want to be discreet and observational about it wherever possible, and not go all Jake from State Farm on your man, unprovoked. Just keep in mind that finding out how a man behaves in situations like this is part of the vetting process, and a situation like this is partly an opportunity, not only a risk.

    On TRP, men are advised not to mate guard; that it is weak behavior for a man and is the prerogative of women. Not only is it okay for you to keep an eye on interlopers, it is your natural relationship duty as a woman to do so. The trick is to remain discreet and feminine in your methods.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Thank-you! It was hard to bite my tongue and not say anything that's for darn sure. When I thought about it though I remember being like 'what am I going to do? Get in there and drag her away? Ask him to step away from the situation?' That would have been about as infantilizing and insecure as it gets.

    That ad! I die!!! Seriously that would have been me not even a year and a half ago.

    You’re absolutely right that he’s been thoroughly vetted and I was able to keep my cool and trust him because I had important information that allowed me to do so:

    1. My boyfriend has expressed distaste for women that drink excessively or embarrass their partners in public.
    2. I know for a fact he’s not attracted to that particular friend of ours.
    3. Her boyfriend was present and him and my boyfriend have known each other since they were in diapers- he would NEVER make a move on a friend’s girlfriend.

    If the situation had been different, if it had been someone who was potentially more of a threat doing that, if I didn’t know the people who were around him…I can’t say I would have been quite as composed. It’s a learning process for sure!

    [–]azrael319 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    I agree completely with what you are saying. It bothers me when other ladies say they trust their man but in the situation react very differently. I myself am still trying to fully trust my husband of only a few months. Overall i do but i still have my insecurities. For instance a dew days ago he was suppose to get off work and be home around 10:10pm. He works around the block so its a quick walk. Well anyways by 1040. He hadnt answered my texts so i got worried and freaked enough to walk to his job thinking of every possible thing that could have happened.

    In the end he was talking with some customers and friends outside even after they closed up shop.

    Its not that i dont trust him. Its more of i dont trust every one else. We're only human after all right?

    [–]lacygnus[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    Absolutely! I think it’s important that we identify our limitations and work on them without making ourselves feel terrible about them. I think it’s sweet how worried you were about him and I’m sure you didn’t unload on him when you saw that everything was fine.

    Trust me, I’ve had plenty moments where I assumed the worst when he wasn’t responding or hadn’t called when he said he would or was late getting home. Then of course I’d amass all this anxiety in my brain and he’d come home and I’d dump it out on him. “WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! I THOUGHT YOU HAD DIED!!!!” Just awful, I still cringe when I think about it. I'm surprised he didn't dump me for being so nutty.

    [–]rprollerEndorsed Contributor 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    I'm surprised he didn't dump me for being so nutty.

    This is proof that men love women for who they are. If not for love (and how awesome sex is), why else would they put up with our B.S.??

    [–]lacygnus[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Totally!!! I can count on one hand the moments when I've felt like he was being irrational but I'm sure he would need a freaking excel spreadsheet to compile the times I've behaved in such a fashion.

    When I first started practicing RPW I'd had a particularly difficult day and I managed to burn dinner at the end of it. I started crying and he comes and comforts me!!! Imagine that! I managed to blubber out through tears "why are you with me?! I'm such a mess!" I don't think he even had an answer for that he just held me close until I calmed down. The man's a saint, I swear.

    [–]bowie747 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Great post. Happy to hear you're mastering the hamster!

    The greatest mastery of all..is mastery of self.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The greatest mastery of all..is mastery of self.

    Couldn't agree more! The ability to observe my emotions and put my energy towards changing my reactions to them instead of changing the way I feel has been such a valuable learning experience for me.

    [–]rprollerEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    What a fantastic FR! I'm so glad everything worked out for you (minus the vomit, of course), and it's clear you've been applying RPW tenets very diligently :) I struggle to not let my hamster take over sometimes, so hat's off to you!

    [–]lacygnus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank-you!!! It's definitely a struggle but it's so worth it, isn't it? I can only imagine the amount of misery I would have doled out if I'd been in the same mindset as I was before.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    I think you handled the whole situation very lady-like and very classy. Kudos to you! We all can relate to the urge of wanting to run inside to break up what's happening, I'm sure some of us would have failed at restraint. Great FR!

    [–]lacygnus[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Thank-you so much!!! You’re one of my RP role models so seeing a comment from you made my day :)

    I can’t say I’ve always succeeded in my abilities to restrain myself but I’m getting better every day and that’s where I’m going to keep putting my energy.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    You're too kind!

    Practice makes progress, that's what I say. Every time you are presented with a problem is a chance for you to practice RP. It's worthy cause.

    [–]FriedHayek 1 point2 points  (4 children)

    Long story short- she wound up vomiting all over the bathroom floor after the birthday cake was served. Being a good hostess I cleaned it up, gave her some old clothes of mine to change into as she’d thrown up on herself quite a bit, cleaned as much of the vomit out of her hair as I could and helped her boyfriend get her into their car.

    Well done. Know that everyone who noticed how quickly she lost her composure, they too noticed that you kept your composure. No matter what happened.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    To some degree I felt bad for her. I would have walked into traffic (not actually but oh my gosh the level of mortification) if I had embarrassed myself and my SO in public like that. My boyfriend and his brother were chatting about it over brunch the next morning and his brother mentioned something about how ‘there’s a reason they’ve been dating for almost a decade and K hasn’t even looked at rings yet’.

    [–]FriedHayek 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    To some degree I felt bad for her.

    You're a woman. And that's not a mere observation of your sex. I mean, that you're naturally and statistically more sympathetic. Sympathetic in matters of law.

    What I see, and every other RP:eed male, that is, every man worth a damn, we see this.

    What I mean by that is, that you showed enough strength, poise, femininity, whatever, you showed that you do not lose it in a crisis.

    My boyfriend and his brother were chatting about it over brunch the next morning and his brother mentioned something about how ‘there’s a reason they’ve been dating for almost a decade and K hasn’t even looked at rings yet’.

    Of course not. So long as a girl doesn't keep it together, and doesn't make sure to care for men, women and children when they're sick or feeling temporalily 'down', then she isn't getting a ring.

    Because the status of 'girlfriend' is like an internship for girls who want to become wives. If you don't keep it together, if you don't act like a trooper, if you're not someone men can depend on when shit hits the fan or when people throw up everywhere, then there is no ring with your name on it. Wife is a trade of husbandry. The duties involve caring for the family. Just like animal husbandry involve caring for cattle.

    And if you want to want the privileges of a first mate, you need to show that you can be depended upon, that you handle your duties. Your man needs to know that he doesn't have to 'get a man', to have this thing handled. So, show that you're dependable and reliable in sickness and in health.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Because the status of 'girlfriend' is like an internship for girls who want to become wives. If you don't keep it together, if you don't act like a trooper, if you're not someone men can depend on when shit hits the fan or when people throw up everywhere, then there is no ring with your name on it. Wife is a trade of husbandry. The duties involve caring for the family. Just like animal husbandry involve caring for cattle.

    I couldn’t agree more with this statement, what an interesting way of framing it.

    I come from an Eastern-European family and men in my culture don’t mess around with picking a wife. She needs to have emotional fortitude, be caring, domestically inclined and take care of the way she presents herself and represents her family.

    Of course as a snotty teenager brought up in a Western country I just wrote off my family’s advice and worldview as ‘misogynstic’ (kicked up that rhetoric a notch after taking a Gender Studies class, I CRIIINGE) but I couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

    Expecting that level of exceptional femininity means that women are valued instead of babied and it means that they're honored for what nature made them instead of being pushed to be someone they’re not.

    A has actively (and publicly) complained about the fact that K hasn’t proposed yet and I don’t have the heart or the skill to tactfully tell her why that proposal might not ever come.

    [–]FriedHayek 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    A has actively (and publicly) complained about the fact that K hasn’t proposed yet and I don’t have the heart or the skill to tactfully tell her why that proposal might not ever come.

    Don't ever tell another woman the right answers on how to keep or hold a man worth a damn around. That's like giving your child the right answers to his homework. Arguably the worst thing you could do. 'There is nothing to give to the unrepentant.'

    Talk with trustworthy friends and family, discuss 'husband husbandry', just like you'd help each other with mathproblems, but don't tell strangers. I don't tell feminists or male bluepillers why they're still single, why they can't stand each other, or why they're doing everything completely wrong.

    Of course as a snotty teenager brought up in a Western country I just wrote off my family’s advice and worldview as ‘misogynstic’ (kicked up that rhetoric a notch after taking a Gender Studies class, I CRIIINGE) but I couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

    It's natural selection. If stupid, weak women don't get men and children, if stupid women weed themselves out, then that's mother nature doing what's she's supposed to. Just like stupid, weak men are alone, because of mother nature.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

    [–]lacygnus[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Absolutely! I think it just depends WHY and HOW you're checking up on someone. If it's out of concern for their health or safety and you do it in a way that's feminine and loving that's totally fine (ETA: this is all in my opinion, I'm fairly new to RPW so if I'm off-base I'm eager to hear what the other ladies have to say).

    But this is another question... checking up on him in this situation would have, I feel, made me look insecure and, even worse, might have him look like he can't do anything without being checked up on by his SO.

    Also as /u/VigilantRedRooster pointed out, since I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and vetted him thoroughly I know he can be trusted. For a newer relationship 'trust but verify' would come into play.

    [–]humanbynature[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Excellent story! I hope to be that mature if such a situation arises.

    [–]QueenBee126 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I enjoyed reading this :)

    [–]lacygnus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank-you :)

    [–]Queen-gryla 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Damn I would've kicked that woman out of my house so quick...

    [–]lacygnus[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Oh believe me, the urge was there. Especially when I saw she'd gotten vomit on the towels that had been passed down to us from my boyfriend's grand-mère. I only bring them out when we have guests over and keep them stored away otherwise.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Wonderful job, you handled the situation with maturity and grace.

    [–]lacygnus[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank-you! I appreciate seeing those words connected to my actions :)