THEORYFor Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Part III: Finding Your Man, Showing Your Value, Vetting Your Friends (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by RubyWooToo3 Stars

This post a follow-up to For Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Parts I and II. As previously stated, it is intended to offer hope and guidance for any lady who wants to implement the RPW philosophy in her life but feels she may have arrived too late. This will be most applicable to ladies ages 25 and up.

One question that comes up here a lot is: “Where do I find the right guy?” I’m sorry if my response to this isn’t original or inspiring, but I think it’s worth reiterating:

  1. Connections through family and friends. The caveat to this is that you should only take recommendations from family or friends who are sane, are in healthy relationships themselves, and who you trust will give you advice that’s in your best interest.
  2. Community organizations (church, local political action groups, local volunteer groups)
  3. Hobbies and activities (local coed sports’ leagues, outdoor adventure groups, MeetUps)
  4. Online relationship services like Match.com or eHarmony that require people to pay for membership, complete a lengthy, in-depth personality profile, and reveal matches based on compatibility.

I advise against bars and nightclubs because they are not conducive to meaningful connections and the “meat market” atmosphere is demoralizing, especially if you’re not naturally outgoing. The exception to this would be if you’re going to see live music or partake in a style of dance (swing dancing, country western, etc.). Even if you don’t meet anyone, you will still have fun. If you do meet someone, you will at least have one common interest.

I also advise against free sites/apps like Tinder; men take more time and consideration to placing an order on GrubHub than they do about picking matches on these apps. Women over 25 are almost always at a disadvantage, even if they’re better looking than most women their junior.

Relevant anecdote: One of my husband’s friends is conventionally handsome, charming, and successful man in his late 30s who is constantly dating, yet complains about how he can’t find anyone serious with whom to settle down and start a family. The reason for this became very apparent when my husband and I watched him browse a free dating app.

He swiped left on a perfectly fit and lovely 30-year-old woman whose profile pic was a flattering shot of her hiking a mountain because her forehead was “slightly large” (we had no idea what he was talking about). Yet he swiped right on a 22-year-old doing a standing split in a thong bikini whose face was barely visible. If given only 3 seconds, a picture, and an age, the penis makes the choice.

Another question we’ve heard a million times (and probably asked ourselves at one point or another) is this: “I’m beautiful, fit, intelligent, and have a great job, etc. etc. why won’t anyone date me?” Whenever I see this type of question posted on RPW, my first thought is, “You’re a stranger on the Internet; how the hell should I know?!” But my usual response is that you are:

  1. Completely oblivious to your own faults
  2. You don’t know how to demonstrate your value in a way that is meaningful to men
  3. A combination of both

To address Problem #1, time spent in Nun Mode (as discussed in Part II) is a great opportunity for introspection. When you are alone with your own thoughts and are dealing with people outside of a romantic context, you gain a clearer perspective on your personal flaws and your failures when interacting with others.

As for showing your value to men, I will once again repeat the key advice from Parts I and II: The most challenging thing about becoming an RPW is changing your focus from what you can get out of men to what you can offer them. The Blue Pill Woman (BPW) looks at the list of all her qualities, feels entitled to be universally appreciated by all men, and becomes bitter and frustrated when that doesn’t happen. The RPW, on the other hand, is concerned only with the opinion of the right man and thinks of her qualities in terms of what she can provide him.

The key to changing how you act (i.e. showing your value) is changing how you think. Here are some examples of how to shift from a BPW mindset to an RPW mindset:

BPW thinking: “I have an awesome career and make a ton of money! Men are intimidated by my accomplishments and independence.” RPW thinking: “I want to share my success with my partner. I can channel the hard work and dedication I’ve demonstrated in my professional life toward building our shared future. If we choose for me to stay home after we have kids, he can be confident that I am willing and able to support myself and the family in the event that something happened to him.”

BPW thinking: “I’m so intelligent. Surely men are impressed with how I can apply Nietzsche quotes to absolutely anything.” RPW thinking: “I can keep up with the flow of his ideas and provide valuable insights in our discussions. He also knows that he can trust my judgment.”

BPW thinking: “I do spin class 5x a week, yoga every night, train with Raoul every Thursday, and could probably deadlift that coed at the end of the bar who hasn’t bought her own drink all night. What the hell?!” RPW thinking: “It’s important to me to be attractive—and remain so!—for my future mate. I want us to have a long and healthy life together.”

At this point, I think it’s important to address two common mistakes that newfound RPWs make when it comes to demonstrating their value to potential mates. Both have been covered by Points 4-6 in the brilliant post Dating for the Modern Woman by /u/vanBeethovenLudwig, but I think they are worth revisiting here.

The first mistake is the overemphasis on showing off your domestic prowess. One bit of advice that I think is greatly overused in this subreddit when people ask about how to win a man over is “You should cook and clean for him, and show him what an awesome wifey you can be!” This isn’t particularly useful initial dating advice (especially to the older RPW) because:

  • Being able to cook, clean and run a household is the absolute bare minimum of being a functioning adult. The mature men in your dating pool have likely been doing these things for themselves for a while, and if they don’t care to do so, they can always hire a maid who isn’t entitled to half their money and assets in the event they get sick of her. So while it’s great that you are adept at the domestic arts, that shouldn’t be your primary selling point.
  • The early days of dating are for courtship and for vetting. Offering the “Wife Experience” before you’re in a committed relationship is almost as bad as sex on the first date. Why should he appreciate labor that he has done nothing to earn? Where is the excitement and challenge of romancing you when you’re elbows-deep in his laundry every time you visit (much like his mother)?

The second mistake is expending more effort than you’re receiving. This is a common pitfall for all women, but RPWs who are approaching the Wall are most vulnerable to it because they’re trying to compensate for years of selfishness and/or feel desperate to secure a commitment and marriage.

Do you initiate most of your calls and texts? Are you constantly rearranging your schedule to suit his? If you live far apart, are you always visiting him? Do you hold back from expressing your opinions about anything because you’re afraid he’ll disapprove?

Seriously, cut that out. If you don’t treat your time and energy as valuable, men won’t either.

Lastly, I will address the importance of vetting your friends. Taking the Red Pill isn’t just about changing your approach to romantic relationships; it’s a fundamental shift in your values. Unfortunately, it’s likely that some of the people you’re close to will not be supportive of the changes you’re trying to implement.

Also, for better or for worse, your friends are a reflection of you. It doesn’t matter if you’re as wholesome, pretty and traditional as Donna Reed; if you’re constantly surrounded by feminist battle-axes and/or aging party girls, you will give men the impression that you are the same way.

I’m not saying you should only be friends with women who share your outlook and opinions; however, you need to be willing to cut out those who are a toxic influence on your life and (either actively or simply by association) will sabotage your efforts toward self-improvement.

This is the last installment for single ladies before I move on to Married/LTR Women “Late to the Red Pill.”

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

[–]allaboutthepill 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I am new in this site but I am really starting to feel all the principles you point out here and RPW have. All my life I’ve felt I am a woman that is proud of her femininity. As a little girl I couldn’t wait to grow up and wear high heels and make-up like my mother did. My good male friends have said I have very strong feminine sexual energy that they sense just being around me. At the same time society has fucked me up a bit with stories like “you can be beautiful in all sizes” and “looks does not matter”, inner beauty is the most important etc. So i am highly educated lady with few extra pounds and not so good social skills. I have a beautiful face and an hourglass figure though. Thankfully I’ve never bought the idea of being a “strong independent woman”.

Unfortunately my mom had children in her early 20’s with a low value man (alcoholic, not taking care of family, childish person) so that has lowered my mother’s and also my self esteem.

So to have this kind of guideline is really inspiring and is a good guideline for dating. I really love it. Please continue writing posts like this! 💜

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m very happy that you found this helpful and hope 2018 brings you happiness and success!

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (5 children)

A woman in the same field as me showed interest in developing her capability and we started working together for a while until she made a pass at me. I did not reciprocate, she did not take it well and proceeded to destroy the friendship. Unbeknown to her I was planning on investing in her and if she had have taken the rejection well I would have fast tracked her to better prospects. The moral of my story, and something I feel could have been added to your worthy post, is that if you try to ignite something and it doesn't work out do not get bitter about it and instead maintain the friendship. The ability to maintain composure through such a delicate situation will be highly respected and never forgotten. You never know who you are dealing with and what they may be planning for your benefit. Since you are red pill women you will be one of the few women guys meet who do not give off a smug air of entitlement for carrying ovaries, making guys more inclined to enter business and social prospects with you.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 7 points8 points  (4 children)

It’s a shame that the woman in your case couldn’t handle rejection gracefully and at least maintain a civil rapport with you in the workplace, but I would never advise anyone— man or woman— to try to be friends with someone for whom they have romantic feelings.

More often than not, people stuck in the “friend zone” just spend all their time trying to get out of it, and by continuing to remain close to the person they desire, they’re never able to move on.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 7 points8 points  (1 child)

There is also some concern about being a woman with too many male friends. I'm not against male/female friendships but I do think that it is something that prospective partners will look at and potentially judge. If you are harboring a mild crush on a male friend, chances are the guy you are dating will sniff it out sooner or later and start to wonder where your loyalty lies.

The woman in question could have handled the brush off better (I am assuming) but there is not a huge benefit to her personal goals to keep him around. In the above case, she perhaps made a professional error brushing him off BUT to place career over marriage and family is either male or BPW thinking.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Nor did I have interest in her in friendship beyond our professional circle, but some decorum would have been welcome.

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think “Don’t be an asshole, especially to your coworkers” is just common sense.

[–]BrokenheartedDuck 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Ok. I will admit, I originally came into this sub to laugh at the posts behind the shadows... But this really speaks to me!

I am 25, incredibly successful for my age, highly educated and I must be somewhat attractive because I have a lot of high value men interested me. But I can’t seem to keep one interested in me. I am very laid back until I start to develop feelings then I become anxious/clingy because I have never been in a long term relationship. Men are quick to want to lock me down but I started dating at 22 (first kiss and everything), so my immaturity really shows in this area and it turns them off because I want to lock in the commitment as soon as possible and don’t believe them even when they tell me that’s what they want.

Basically I need to be more composed and not show any sign of insecurity, because it’s a turn off to high value men!

I guess I have to enter nun mode

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ok. I will admit, I originally came into this sub to laugh at the posts behind the shadows... But this really speaks to me!

I have to admit that this made me happy. I discovered RPW by way of the Blue Pill subreddit, and was very surprised (to say the least) by how much the philosophy and wisdom of some of the ladies here really resonated with me.

Please ignore the dude who told you that insecurity is hot and is an indication that you're not a whore, and that the only qualities that matter are loyalty and femininity. A strong leader appreciates that you are willing to be vulnerable with him, but being clingy and anxious will bring out the worst in you, not the best.

I think you need to back off on trying to "lock in the commitment as soon as possible"... remember that you're vetting for the right man, not just any man. But once you've been together for a few months, he's shown you through his actions that he's a good guy who is intent on commitment, and start forming a genuine attachment to him, then you shouldn't assume the worst of him and sabotage the relationship for fear of getting hurt. Yes, you might get hurt at some point (that's the risk of love), but without that risk, there isn't true joy and intimacy.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Clingy and inexperienced are good. No dude cares about your education or career, just your loyalty and how feminine you are. Insecurity is hot, it shows inexperience and no man wants a long term whore.

[–]RedPill_Swinger 8 points9 points  (0 children)

From a male point of view: vetting friends is of paramount importance. Great advice for women!

[–]anewmoonlady 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Wonderful series, I look forward to the next installment. I would love to read about quidelines for when to next in an LTR (esp for women over 25) and can’t seem to locate a post on that topic so far

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback!

[–]Nicolecr 2 points3 points  (6 children)

I am a single woman in my late 50's, is their any chance in me finding a high quality man this late in life or is it best I just stay alone? When it comes to being feminine, I mostly wear pants and a feminine blouse, although I am starting to venture into wearing more dresses, personally, I do not see the difference between wearing a dress or skirt and pants and a blouse, most guys really do not care what you wear. Not the most attractive lady, but I do try to look presentable everyday with what I have, I have a couple of physical disabilities and I have noticed that most men do not even want to approach me because of this.

[–]mikahika 3 points4 points  (3 children)

It will get harder with age but I think you can still pull it off if you have the following - social connection (volunteer etc.), stay attractive (regular exercise!, follow good exercise routine), good diet, personality (confident)

There are many older man who are single and as oblivious as you. You just need to find them. Good luck!

[–]Nicolecr 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Thank you, I do keep myself in good shape and stay attractive, good confidence, however, I do not get out much to socialize and I know that is something I will need to do in order to connect with anyone.

[–]mikahika 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Go out to volunteer or join local club! Most older folks I know join Rotary clubs which organise activities. You can easily talk to others there. Treat everyone like you know them and eventually you meet your perfect guy

[–]Nicolecr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you :-)

[–]RubyWooToo3 Stars[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Age alone isn't enough to exclude someone from the dating market, and I don't think it's too late to find love. Have you ever been married before? Would you be willing to consider someone older (60s or 70s)?

[–]Nicolecr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you :-) Yes, I have been married before, for 20 years, I am a widow. I might consider someone older than me but not in their 70's, I guess I am a bit of a cougar, lol.