This post a follow-up to For Single Ladies “Late to the Red Pill” Parts I and II. As previously stated, it is intended to offer hope and guidance for any lady who wants to implement the RPW philosophy in her life but feels she may have arrived too late. This will be most applicable to ladies ages 25 and up.
One question that comes up here a lot is: “Where do I find the right guy?” I’m sorry if my response to this isn’t original or inspiring, but I think it’s worth reiterating:
- Connections through family and friends. The caveat to this is that you should only take recommendations from family or friends who are sane, are in healthy relationships themselves, and who you trust will give you advice that’s in your best interest.
- Community organizations (church, local political action groups, local volunteer groups)
- Hobbies and activities (local coed sports’ leagues, outdoor adventure groups, MeetUps)
- Online relationship services like Match.com or eHarmony that require people to pay for membership, complete a lengthy, in-depth personality profile, and reveal matches based on compatibility.
I advise against bars and nightclubs because they are not conducive to meaningful connections and the “meat market” atmosphere is demoralizing, especially if you’re not naturally outgoing. The exception to this would be if you’re going to see live music or partake in a style of dance (swing dancing, country western, etc.). Even if you don’t meet anyone, you will still have fun. If you do meet someone, you will at least have one common interest.
I also advise against free sites/apps like Tinder; men take more time and consideration to placing an order on GrubHub than they do about picking matches on these apps. Women over 25 are almost always at a disadvantage, even if they’re better looking than most women their junior.
Relevant anecdote: One of my husband’s friends is conventionally handsome, charming, and successful man in his late 30s who is constantly dating, yet complains about how he can’t find anyone serious with whom to settle down and start a family. The reason for this became very apparent when my husband and I watched him browse a free dating app.
He swiped left on a perfectly fit and lovely 30-year-old woman whose profile pic was a flattering shot of her hiking a mountain because her forehead was “slightly large” (we had no idea what he was talking about). Yet he swiped right on a 22-year-old doing a standing split in a thong bikini whose face was barely visible. If given only 3 seconds, a picture, and an age, the penis makes the choice.
Another question we’ve heard a million times (and probably asked ourselves at one point or another) is this: “I’m beautiful, fit, intelligent, and have a great job, etc. etc. why won’t anyone date me?” Whenever I see this type of question posted on RPW, my first thought is, “You’re a stranger on the Internet; how the hell should I know?!” But my usual response is that you are:
- Completely oblivious to your own faults
- You don’t know how to demonstrate your value in a way that is meaningful to men
- A combination of both
To address Problem #1, time spent in Nun Mode (as discussed in Part II) is a great opportunity for introspection. When you are alone with your own thoughts and are dealing with people outside of a romantic context, you gain a clearer perspective on your personal flaws and your failures when interacting with others.
As for showing your value to men, I will once again repeat the key advice from Parts I and II: The most challenging thing about becoming an RPW is changing your focus from what you can get out of men to what you can offer them. The Blue Pill Woman (BPW) looks at the list of all her qualities, feels entitled to be universally appreciated by all men, and becomes bitter and frustrated when that doesn’t happen. The RPW, on the other hand, is concerned only with the opinion of the right man and thinks of her qualities in terms of what she can provide him.
The key to changing how you act (i.e. showing your value) is changing how you think. Here are some examples of how to shift from a BPW mindset to an RPW mindset:
BPW thinking: “I have an awesome career and make a ton of money! Men are intimidated by my accomplishments and independence.”
RPW thinking: “I want to share my success with my partner. I can channel the hard work and dedication I’ve demonstrated in my professional life toward building our shared future. If we choose for me to stay home after we have kids, he can be confident that I am willing and able to support myself and the family in the event that something happened to him.”
BPW thinking: “I’m so intelligent. Surely men are impressed with how I can apply Nietzsche quotes to absolutely anything.”
RPW thinking: “I can keep up with the flow of his ideas and provide valuable insights in our discussions. He also knows that he can trust my judgment.”
BPW thinking: “I do spin class 5x a week, yoga every night, train with Raoul every Thursday, and could probably deadlift that coed at the end of the bar who hasn’t bought her own drink all night. What the hell?!”
RPW thinking: “It’s important to me to be attractive—and remain so!—for my future mate. I want us to have a long and healthy life together.”
At this point, I think it’s important to address two common mistakes that newfound RPWs make when it comes to demonstrating their value to potential mates. Both have been covered by Points 4-6 in the brilliant post Dating for the Modern Woman by /u/vanBeethovenLudwig, but I think they are worth revisiting here.
The first mistake is the overemphasis on showing off your domestic prowess. One bit of advice that I think is greatly overused in this subreddit when people ask about how to win a man over is “You should cook and clean for him, and show him what an awesome wifey you can be!” This isn’t particularly useful initial dating advice (especially to the older RPW) because:
- Being able to cook, clean and run a household is the absolute bare minimum of being a functioning adult. The mature men in your dating pool have likely been doing these things for themselves for a while, and if they don’t care to do so, they can always hire a maid who isn’t entitled to half their money and assets in the event they get sick of her. So while it’s great that you are adept at the domestic arts, that shouldn’t be your primary selling point.
- The early days of dating are for courtship and for vetting. Offering the “Wife Experience” before you’re in a committed relationship is almost as bad as sex on the first date. Why should he appreciate labor that he has done nothing to earn? Where is the excitement and challenge of romancing you when you’re elbows-deep in his laundry every time you visit (much like his mother)?
The second mistake is expending more effort than you’re receiving. This is a common pitfall for all women, but RPWs who are approaching the Wall are most vulnerable to it because they’re trying to compensate for years of selfishness and/or feel desperate to secure a commitment and marriage.
Do you initiate most of your calls and texts? Are you constantly rearranging your schedule to suit his? If you live far apart, are you always visiting him? Do you hold back from expressing your opinions about anything because you’re afraid he’ll disapprove?
Seriously, cut that out. If you don’t treat your time and energy as valuable, men won’t either.
Lastly, I will address the importance of vetting your friends. Taking the Red Pill isn’t just about changing your approach to romantic relationships; it’s a fundamental shift in your values. Unfortunately, it’s likely that some of the people you’re close to will not be supportive of the changes you’re trying to implement.
Also, for better or for worse, your friends are a reflection of you. It doesn’t matter if you’re as wholesome, pretty and traditional as Donna Reed; if you’re constantly surrounded by feminist battle-axes and/or aging party girls, you will give men the impression that you are the same way.
I’m not saying you should only be friends with women who share your outlook and opinions; however, you need to be willing to cut out those who are a toxic influence on your life and (either actively or simply by association) will sabotage your efforts toward self-improvement.
This is the last installment for single ladies before I move on to Married/LTR Women “Late to the Red Pill.”
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!