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ADVICEI just want to be more feminine, how did you do it? (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by letgoor

I've been really trying my hardest to be more feminine since finding out about RP.

Ironically enough, I've realized that feminism looks down on "traditionally feminine" hobbies, interests, looks, etc- in favor of making women have more masculine traits. I want to let go of the idea that feminine= weaker. I want to be as feminine as possible.

I want to learn how to connect to my feminine power. I have slowly gotten rid of gender-neutral clothes. I swear that even though I'm 23, I dress like an 8th grade boy most of the time (other than my cute gym outfits).

I've been trying to swear less or talk about crude things, talk more about my feelings, stop interrupting men, connect to my receiving nature, speak more softly, do my hair/makeup.

I want this all to come naturally!!! I want more advice on how I can be more feminine. What worked for you?

Thank you


[–]wannabebaddie1 Star 46 points47 points  (3 children)

Being open and warm is by far the biggest feminine indicator! Try your best to always have a friendly demeanor and you’ll start feeling like you’re radiating feminine energy. This means being nice to everyone, from your parents to the cashier to random strangers, not just the men you’re interested in.

If you want to appear more feminine physically, find clothes you know flatter you. Looking feminine to me doesn’t necessarily mean wearing dresses and heels all the time. It means wearing stuff that you know you look good in. This brings a little skip to your step and makes you hold your head high. Whether that be skinny jeans that flatter your curves or an off-the-shoulder blouse that shows off your collarbones, know your strong points and highlight them!

[–]Moms_Chapagetti 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I'm in the same boat as OP and honestly, this sounds like it will be the hardest thing for me to overcome. Being open and warm. And friendly to everyone.

[–]wannabebaddie1 Star 7 points8 points  (1 child)

It definitely is tough! I totally understand because I used to be very introverted and standoffish. For me, it came from a place of fear, a fear of seeming desperate or eager. I thought that the only way to protect myself from being disliked was to keep all my interactions minimal and short unless we were already friends.

After I discovered RPW, I picked up that being sincere and involved with every interaction you have doesn't make people think you're trying too hard - it makes them happy that someone put in the effort to talk to them, because most people don't. When you make the people around you feel good, they look at you in a different light - as if you're glowing with positive energy.

It's not easy at all to completely change how you interact with people. I took baby steps. First I started talking to the person sitting next to me in class, then I chit-chatted with my neighbors, then I started making conversations with waiters and cashiers. Only after I was able to talk to almost anyone was I able to start conversations with men I was attracted to. Sure, many of these conversations will kind of feel awkward, but you can't let that stop you! The person you're talking to probably feels just as self-conscious as you do, and by continuing onwards regardless, they're happy that YOU don't think THEY are weird. It definitely gets easier the more and more you do it. I hope this was helpful!

[–]MangoRefreshments 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good stuff. Second paragraph is true, nothing is wrong with being interested in a conversation!

[–]leviathanis 18 points19 points  (0 children)

This will probably be controversial, but personally I don't think you have to fit every single feminine stereotype to be attractive to a man, at least not at the cost of your personality. I play vidya, talk science and philosophy, toss banter back and forth with my man, and he seems to really enjoy that. The big thing about being a woman that separates us from men is our intuitive, instinctive capacity for empathy and emotional support, which he can't get from a guy friend. So, that's what I give him.

Masculine traits you want to avoid include:

  • being competitive with him (he's way better than me at vidya, so I let him be better than me instead of trying to one-up him)

  • trying to solve all his problems yourself (basically avoid "mansplaining", just let him vent and say "I understand, is there any way I can help?")

  • seeking to be understood rather than to understand (listen to his viewpoints, let him direct debates)

  • giving tough love. We're women, we love gently. Men need that from us because they don't get it from each other. This means putting his self-esteem before your opinions (without letting him make a fool of himself in front of others, there's a fine line when expressing your opinion)

  • dominating sexual encounters, he can ask you to take control but you don't ask to take control yourself.

  • getting caught up in life details outside of the relationship. Prioritize the household and relationship before any outside influences. If you're coming home from work too tired and stressed to maintain the relationship, adjust your working hours.

  • being "tough". Female strength is different from male strength, we are strong because we can express our emotions in ways men are extremely limited in doing so. Men can be either angry or happy. You can be angry, happy, sad, afraid, or disgusted, so be each of those things when appropriate. He probably feels the same way, he just can't express it the same way. Just don't let your emotions be overbearing.

That's my armchair theory on masc vs fem traits. Sorry the advice mainly applies to relationships, but hopefully this helps you capture the essence of femininity and apply it to your interactions with both genders in everyday life. You can still have a variety of hobbies and clothing styles as it suits your true personality, imo. Maybe you really are the girly-girl type, which is great, but I think femininity is about more than appearances and social customs.

[–]DontThinkChewSoap 47 points48 points  (1 child)

I want this all to come naturally

Femininity and masculinity are not ‘natural’ to anyone. They are traits that begin to develop through our choices, actions, and habits as we sexually mature and grow into adulthood that make you more attractive to (generally) the opposite sex.

There are not feminine or masculine children. Although children are obviously not gender neutral, you wouldn’t ever call a 6 year old boy masculine, nor a 6 year old girl feminine. Maybe a rough and tumble boy, or a girly girl, but not masculine or feminine. And there’s a reason for that. Masculinity and femininity are tied to biological attraction. They are children. They don’t understand what attraction is because biologically they aren’t supposed to. They live in a world of believing the opposite sex is gross and has cooties. They can’t procreate, but when they hit puberty and start to sexually mature, they start to have crushes and start wondering about relationships. Then they start to care more about what the other sex thinks about them and how they can impress them or potentially date them. This is the foundation of femininity and masculinity. It’s inherently grounded in how to biologically attract a potential mate.

And honestly, you wouldn’t even call teenagers feminine or masculine. Because while they’re curious about sex and relationships, they’re not interested in it because they’re looking for life partners. The limbic system (emotional, instant gratification) still fights to be in charge as the prefrontal cortex (long-term thinking, rationality) continues to develop into your early to mid-twenties. It’s about at that age, where women enter their true prime because they are young and most biologically fertile in their 20s but also reap the benefits of years of finding their own style, humor, expression, personality, etc. What teenage boys find attractive in high school isn’t the same as when they’re 28 or 35 and wanting to settle down. The crazy and bitchy party girls that were “fun” and hot aren’t ideal partners for life.

Thus, being feminine isn’t about creating a facade of femininity, but about cultivating discipline such that through your habits you are working towards the goal of more naturally feminine behavior that you’ll exude through life, not just when you are in your prime. Lots of women wrongly think that being feminine means extending your prime as well, but we all think the same thing when a 45 year old wears a mini skirt. That doesn’t mean you should not wear sunscreen and that putting on a nightly anti-aging cream is wrong, it’s just knowing when to hang up the towel for certain behaviors because they reflect immaturity and make you look desperate.

The goal is to age beautifully, not prevent aging and become bitter and jaded that you won’t always be as beautiful as you once were when you were young. All that your ‘prime’ is is your statistical best chance to find the best possible life partner because of the combination of being young enough to be physically beautiful, in shape, and capable of starting a family but also emotionally mature enough that you can provide love and support to another person such that you have a solid bedrock from which you can raise healthy and successful children. There are always outliers, this is just the general rule. Life happens. Tragedy happens. People have to start over their lives. People find love in some of the strangest circumstances, not just the cut and dry ones. Don’t break your back trying to follow the “rules”, just be conscious of your odds.

Just because femininity and masculinity are rooted in attraction and wanting to find an optimal partner, it doesn’t mean you don’t also find personal happiness in the benefits it reaps. Dressing in a flattering way and being physically healthy are attractive and feminine, but exercising is a great way to cope with stress and negativity. And developing your own personal style is something unique to you. Your own hobbies and interests that you choose to develop are all you. You can enjoy the benefits of femininity. You’re not just an object to be accepted by another person. We’re all human. We make mistakes and not everything you do will be perfect.

In a lot of ways it’s like a gym routine. It’s not something that elicits results overnight; it’s habits that you practice with effort, exertion, trial, and error that lead to results you are aiming to achieve.

Learning how to do makeup well, dress well, exercise and eat well, socialize and empathize with warmth and comfort, etc. are not things that come naturally. Same with raising children. Some things are more difficult for others because we’re all different. Some people are naturally bubbly and warm while others have RBF and or are more introverted.

If you have a dark or weird sense of humor, don’t kill it just because you think it’s not feminine but realize that those jokes are inappropriate in most settings. Understanding when it’s appropriate to share those jokes and when it’s not is feminine without trying to quell something personal about you. You can’t change your sense of humor very much.

What unites all people working towards becoming more feminine isn’t what exactly they’re doing for them personally (although there are many shared common goals), but the underlying understanding that it involves discipline and is a gradual journey rather than something instantaneous that just happens one day when you decide to “care” about wanting to be feminine.

In the end, the foundation of it all is your personality and how you behave. Biologically femininity is what complements masculinity. They are traits that make you an optimal partner and mother. And those are roles that transcend your most attractive years. It’s what allows you to be a beautiful person when you are no longer physically in your prime.

You are what you do habitually. Like all habits and lifestyle changes, you just have to pick a starting point and learn to be patient with your results.

[–]Mssweetnsassy 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is a great reply ^

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (2 children)

You gotta cultivate a feminine mindset.

Reading Fascinating Womanhood and Getting to I Do really helped me.

This also helped TREMENDOUSLY: https://www.forums.red/p/RedPillWomen/1033/rpw_101_cultivating_a_feminine_frame_of_mind

[–]letgoor[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Thank you so much, I just went ahead and bought both of those books!

I've read the Surrendered Wife and Queen's Code. I'm waiting for the Surrendered Single and The Case for Mr. Good Enough to arrive in the mail. I'm excited to dig into all of these! <3 Thank you.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Awesome! FW is a staple. In 'Getting to I Do', just follow all the advice for being the feminine energy.

I've followed GTID by the letter, and it's made my relationship as close to heaven on Earth ❤️

[–]OilyB 13 points14 points  (4 children)

Guy here, 'TRP intermediate'. I've been contemplating masculinity and femininity for years now and if I may?

One important aspect I've extensively thought about is the power of femininity.

Imho, one of the powers of femininity is the capacity to inspire creation/creativity from men. Let me elaborate. 3 levels of being:

  • the abstract 'the feminine' as a mystical form.

  • The more concrete 'femininity' as an abstraction of gender.

  • And the more quotidian 'female' on the personal human level, finding its way through daily life.

Of course the female is herself creative and has the ability to be autonomous. But at the most abstract, mystic level, 'the feminine' has the power to inspire, to seduce 'the masculine' into action, to make the masculine pick up arms to protect, to make the masculine ambitious enough to organize stuff so as to pave the way for the feminine to manifest itself in their most preferred way - elegant, loved, effortless, beautiful and gracious.

What the feminine returns to the masculine is appreciation, mercy, grace, and respect for being loved, protected and cared for.

Now one step down: masculinity and femininity. This inspiration/serving dynamic in turn inspires from masculinity chivalry towards femininity. Chivalry from masculinity toward femininity. And appreciation of, gratefulness toward, care for and knowledge of femininity towards masculinity.

{Honor and trust play a big role here. There's still balance. In our current society however, this balance has been skewed for decades now. And men are trying to face it but we're slowly letting go of trust and honor because we've been underappreciated and held in contempt: femininity has let go of appreciation and let go of trust. Men have been generalized as all being representatives of the worst of male candidates: Robbers, thieves, egotists, morons and predators. And we're simply not all of those.}

Back now, to the next level. On the female (personal relationship to men) level, femininity is foremost agreeable, gracious, approachable, caring, intelligent, empathic through and through, respectful and tactful. In a relationship, she inspires gentleness from him toward her but also fortitude toward the world. She inspires all his greatness, physically, mentally and spiritually. THIS is why behind every great man there's a great woman: she wants to keep looking up at him, not beat him at his game. This in turn will make a man not ever want to lose her by his side.

Take heed, she inspired him. She didn't: demand, didn't confront, didn't prove him wrong all the time, didn't claim anything. She took her biggest responsibility. Only that gives her her biggest right.

Because she's touched his soul. And expanded it.

This is just my opinion and experience. Use it or toss it, I don't mind.

Edit: sentence structures and words

[–]yamkatasi 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Love this explanation

[–]OilyB 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–]xelaandra23 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is my favorite comment so far. :) Thanks for your insight.

[–]OilyB 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Welcome, ma'am!

[–]MidwestMrs 16 points17 points  (8 children)

Three small things that can make you more feminine immediately: learn how to cook, wear your hair nice ALL the time, and start wearing more colours in your wardrobe.

When you cook, you have to serve the food, oftentimes clean, and always provide something delicious. This will help you learn how to serve and be gentle, as well as express your creativity.

Next, nice hair translates to a woman who can keep herself clean and beautiful. Nothing is more anti-man than a greasy messy bun or flat hair. Make your hair look thick and healthy, and this will automatically translate to femininity.

Finally, wearing colours other than blacks and greys will add a feminine flair to your style and probably your mindset. Sometimes it’s hard to change our inner thinking without putting on a bit of a costume to help us along.

Wear whites, light blues, pinks, purples, reds, etc and you just may feel yourself becoming more feminine!

[–]curious__kitty 7 points8 points  (7 children)

Apologies in advance, if this sounds like a stupid question. When you say serve the food, how exactly would be the most genuine way to do it? Ie at the table or in the kitchen etc...?

I cook, but often just kind of let the bf serve himself. This sounds like a great tip and a nice opportunity to improve :)

[–]LaneysWorld2 10 points11 points  (4 children)

It's a small gesture but all men appreciate it! After you bring the food from the kitchen serve your boyfriend first, fill his drink and ask him if he wants something else. Make sure he never has to do anything himself.

Be ready to bring him what he wants, spices, another drink or an additional snack. Always smile and show him you're happy to serve him a meal you cooked just for him :)

Put on a cute apron beforehand, not the one you wore while cooking of course, and it's perfect ;)

Cooking and serving a meal is the ideal time to show your value and femininity to him!

[–]curious__kitty 5 points6 points  (1 child)

This is a fabulous! The apron is the cherry on top ;)

Thank you so much for this great idea and your excellent directions.

[–]LaneysWorld2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm glad you like it :)

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oooh, thank you for the tip!

[–]Moms_Chapagetti 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do most ppl bring all the food to the table, and then plate it there? I've been telling him dinners ready, he'll come sit down (most stuff it's ready for him like our waters, napkins, silverware etc) and I plate our plates and bring them over.

[–]MidwestMrs 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Naked with an apron sometime too! ;)

[–]curious__kitty 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That’s a surprise he’ll love ;)

[–]cynicalhousewife 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Just act naturally. Women are very different from men. We feel differently, we move differently, we interact differently. The way you naturally act will be different from that of a man. You don't need to try hard and there is no special secret to any of it. Before you were trying too hard not to be your natural self, now you are still doing it but in reverse. Faking a persona is just going to make you look silly and it's far too much unnecessary work. Focus on being your best self, not the best of something contrived.

[–]xelaandra23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

agree very much

[–]AnnaAerials 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This may be a strange answer to some. I grew up as a tom-boy, wearing my older brothers and boy cousins clothes as hamy-downs. I loved being outside and rolling in the dirt, I loved sport and always had this ignorant pride thing in the fact I wasn’t a “girly-girl”.

I was pretty not clued in to a lot of obvious things most girls are- I think I was the last person in my year to shave my legs and I always had my nails chewed down to a pulp.

After highschool I joined bible college at the advice of my parents, even though I wasn’t a true born again Christian at that time, I was only a Christian by name. In bible college I was exposed to women who were true Christians- the college I went to was fairly traditional, some of the girls were hippy like- most if not all wore no to little makeup, some wore long flowy skirts etc... they all had something in common- they were gentle. They weren’t stereotypical “girly girls”. They were kind, gentle and fit very closely to what RPW describes as a “soft landing”.

Later in college, a few months in. I became a born again Christian. The things that I thought made me myself (being a tom boy) were refined through maturity and by Christ. I started being more aware of how I looked. I started buying makeup, watching makeup tutorials. I enjoyed presenting myself better. Slowly I stopped wearing my superhero shirts and skinny jeans- not from a perspective that I thought I had to give those things up, but because I preferred more feminine things.

I groomed myself better, I stopped dying my hair blues, purples and pinks, staying with natural colours. The way I spoke changed, I stopped swearing, I stopped being harsh or crude hoping to be funny.

As a desperate attempt to have nails I would stick on fake ones, eventually getting acrylic. After a long journey I’m happy to say I’ve grown out my nails to a feminine strong condition after years of battling anxiety and chewing them until they bled - ouch!

To sum up; Christ not only saved me and changed my heart, He refined my personality. There are traditional gender roles in the bible that are set up as safe guards. I believe a lot of my anxiety was because I was pushing against my true nature and the way God had designed me. I’m feminine now- but in no way am I weak. I’m still strong, I enjoy outdoors and working out, but I’m no longer trying to be something I’m not. I always try and be humble, knowing Ofcourse I can improve and God will refine me more.

TLDR; God’s design made me more feminine

[–]StinkyDiaper 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Basically, just don’t burp and fart around us, or talk about how nasty your diarrhea is right now because you think it’s funny.

So many girls always want to “be like the guys,” and it’s such a turnoff.

[–][deleted]  (6 children)

[removed]

[–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You gender is irrelevant to the topic. Removed.

[–]Astroviridae 8 points9 points  (4 children)

This is just a list of your personal preferences and therefore is not suitable for general advice. Also, although femininity is expressed by appearance it is not the source of femininity. Her journey should begin with psychological femininity, as in the post linked by u/fumblesRPW

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [removed]

      [–]LuckyLittleStarModerator | Lil'Star[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Femininity occurs on the inside and out. Both discussions are allowed in RPW for a full picture.

      [–]alifteronreddit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Posture - It's attractive to see effortless posture from Women, especially while walking in heels. Good posture is one of the many benefits that exercising regularly will produce. I'd recommend pilates or yoga, with some lower body gym work like squats and plyometrics.

      Body fat - 20% should be the lowest (even health wise). 20-30% is most appealing.

      Form fitting clothing - Honestly, even if women are a bit thicker it still looks good to the Male eye.

      Booty - Can naturally be built bigger, unlike breasts. Doesn't have to be huge, but a shapely one will increase your look dramatically. Stay away from building your upper body though, that is a path to looking manly.

      Long hair - Longer than shoulder length, arm pit to mid-back is ideal.

      Jewellery - Rarely excessive. Men won't notice if you usually wear the same pieces, so go for quality stuff you can wear often.

      You already mentioned it, but I'll throw in my definition, Receptive nature - Willingly responding to others in social interactions. Eye contact, mindfulness, patience. Easily amused.

      The others you said are very good points as well!

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [removed]

      [–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      This is not advice nor is it red pill.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [removed]

      [–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This is not advice and with this attitude about femininity, this may not be the sub for you.