INSIGHTFULThank You vs. Sorry (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by tintedlipbalm


I came across this on another subreddit. I think it's very easy to fall on the "sorry" path when you've taken the pill and you're actively working on changing bad behaviors, but you're not exactly there yet.

The comic illustrates some ways you can change the tone of the message, from being negative and about you, to positive and taking into account the other person. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances, if I say sorry I even get rewarded with a compliment-- It's still all about me. I found this comment made a good point:

I think the point is not to focus on our feelings, but on the other person's. If I feel badly for what I did, I'm focusing on myself rather than taking the other person's feelings into consideration. I can acknowledge them putting up with me best by saying thank you. Otherwise I'm just inviting pity, and hoping they'll dismiss my behavior or make an excuse for me: "That's OK," or, "No, you're not late! I just got here myself!" What about saying something like, " I am sorry I'm late. Thank you for being so patient!" That way, I'm not excusing my behavior; I'm apologizing for it. But I'm also not keeping the spotlight on myself.

Maybe others (especially the overly apologetic) will find this helpful :)

[–]cats_or_get_out 8 points9 points  (0 children)

What a gem! This is some good advice. :-)

[–]valleycupcake 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Sorry I didn't do this before!

[–]katsumii 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. :)

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

i really like this and intend to start implementing it

thanks for sharing!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Brilliant. Re-framing a situation can be so simple and so positive.

[–]StingrayVC 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is very interesting. It brings both the speaker and the listener up. Who doesn't like a genuine thank you? And it keeps your own mind upbeat in the process.

The opposite is true when you apologize, especially if this is something you are in the habit of doing all the time.

[–]shinesunshine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh this is perfect. I am so guilty of this and this is such a positive way to deal with my feelings gracefully. Thank you :)

[–]Kittenkajira 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like this, especially the cute cartoon format.

[–]littlecrochetlady 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Seriously, thus is perfect. thank you for sharing. :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

omg i do this all the time and my bf always catches me doing it. i'll try this going forward!! thanks!

[–]freebumblebeeendorsed woman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really, really love this and need to work on implementing this in my life. I'm very overly apologetic. Not only does it force others to feel bad for you, but it also reframes the way they think of you. And it's very negative. Thank you so much for posting this!

[–]whistling_dixie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh man, I really thought about posting this article when I saw it the other day. I've been trying to implement this since then, it even makes me feel better to say thank you vs. sorry. I definitely recommend this!

[–]FeelingsAre_NotFacts 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The comic demonstrated what the article meant in a great way! I'll have to start implementing this day to day. My confidence has improved slowly over the past year, but I still have a tendency for apologizing excessively and expecting others to offer me comfort and reassurance. I always thought it was from a desire not to bother another person- but now that I think about it, it was likely a roundabout way of me receiving validation and comfort for my actions in a manipulative way, rather than validating and appreciating another persons efforts. Thanks for the link!

[–]CamusSeesSumac 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Lurker, first time posting. I've found a lot of the advice here very interesting, but I haven't yet gotten to the point where I can claim I'm implementing the lifestyle. I don't think our setup is a traditional RPW lifestyle and probably never will be - nevertheless, I've found the mindset one I want to cultivate.

I was thinking about this comic for a few days now. I tried it just now. I tend to get stressed out and pick fights for no reason, and I've realized my apologies have come, on my side, with a secret desire to make HIM apologize to me too. I think that's how women tend to interact with each other (one says sorry, the other says no I'M sorry!), but it annoys him because after I apologize, I've been in the habit of essentially saying "...well, aren't you going to apologize too?"

So this afternoon I'd gotten upset over something trivial and dumb, and he calmly ended the conversation. I ended up taking a nap, and just now I texted him to thank him for his patience when I stress out over something dumb.

It feels SO MUCH BETTER. When I apologize, I've realized I'm expecting an acknowledgment/appreciation of the great mental effort I went to apologizing. So I would perpetuate the negative feelings by creating an additional expectation/hoop for him to jump through.

[–]TempestTcup 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Gratitude is a huge motivator :)

[–]CamusSeesSumac 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Update: he just replied "ok cutie, love you :)" and it feels a thousand times better than me secretly expecting some specific response and trying to make him figure it out. :)

[–]TempestTcup 2 points3 points  (2 children)

me secretly expecting some specific response and trying to make him figure it out.

We call that a covert contract: doing something in expectation of a certain response. A contract you made in your mind that he had no knowledge of :)

[–]CamusSeesSumac 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Haha, well it's good to know others do it often enough that it has a name!

[–]TempestTcup 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, it's very common; it's one of those things where if you have a term for it and can recognize yourself doing it, you can stop in in its tracks. Somehow putting a name to it makes it more recognizable. It quits being "this weird thing I do that ultimately disappoints me". :)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So I read this and said I was going to start doing this. Seems like it would be a great thing to do. HOLY JEEBUS! I had no idea how much I actually apologize for that doesn't need it.

[–]Kari92 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great advice! It's lIke people do expect pity when they apologize. Especially me, I tend to apologize too much and get "that's okay" a lot.

[–]RojoEscarlata 0 points1 point  (1 child)

/r/ZenHabits is a great sub.

[–]CamusSeesSumac 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Subscribed and already loving it!