Men and women
In dating, marriage and sex, men are the pursuers and women are the pursued. Men are overt and women are covert. Men are aggressive and women are passive. Therefore, we each approach the sexual mating dance differently.
A man who's interested will make a move, a woman who's interested will be receptive to his move. He then escalates and she's receptive. He escalates further and she's receptive and so the dance continues all the way to intercourse. The dance can happen in one evening or over an extended period of time.
There are many steps to this dance. We may not even be aware of many of them, because a lot of this is hardwired into our biology. How we dress, our facial expressions, tone of voice and body language are all sending messages to the opposite sex whether we're aware of these signals or not.
Before you go on the date, you're already positioning yourself to signal certain messages. You do so through your choice of clothing and demeanor. Once you're on the date, you'll either escalate or deescalate signals of receptiveness to his advances. If you understand how this works, you can do so intentionally to further emphasize your escalation or deescalation.
When he touches your arm while talking to you, that's a move in the mating dance. If you pull away, you signal that you want to deescalate. If you're receptive, you're signalling for him to escalate. You may not think so. You may think that you're only signalling receptiveness to this level of touch, but that's from a female perspective because - as mentioned above - the female is the passive one in the dance. Being that the end goal is intercourse (even if that end goal isn't a goal for today), every time you're receptive to his advance, you're inviting him to take the next step in the mating dance towards intercourse. If you aren't ready to go further, you ought to convey this message through deescalation. You can just say the word no, but that is akin to suddenly cutting off the music, mid dance. You'll have much better results if you use deescalation.
You may have reached your goal by getting married, however, the dance is still on for him because he still needs sex and he'll naturally seek it out from you. The best thing you can do is to dance along with him, the worst thing you can do is to end the dance.
Men are hardwired to pursue women. Therefore, your man will pursue you (unless something is wrong). Your receptiveness will encourage him to pursue again, your non receptiveness will discourage him from doing so. He may still pursue you for a while, but if he does, it will be increasingly risky for him. Pursuit of love from your spouse should not be a risky business. It's very unhealthy.
When he does something nice for you, he's making a move in the mating dance. When you appreciate his gesture, he'll be encouraged to do more such things. When your love and affection for him increases as a result, you're rewarding his efforts which further encourages him to continue pursuing you.
When his niceness to you goes unnoticed or worse - when he's punished for it - you're discouraging him from making another move. He may not make any moves for an hour, a day or he may eventually give up entirely. You may have good reasons for punishing him (through nagging, criticizing, etc), but that won't change its negative impact.
Outside the bedroom
The dance isn't limited to the bedroom. It happens all the time, in every interaction. Anytime he's being considerate, it's a step in the dance. Anytime he's being cold, it's also a step in the dance (just not a good step).
Male love descends from sex down to everything else. Therefore, if he's repeatedly discouraged in the bedroom, his love will diminish outside the bedroom too. This is bound to happen even if he doesn't want it to and tries to overcome it.
Cutting the music and compromise
The problem for many couples is that the male sex drive is way higher than the female sex drive. Instead of deescalating, she's been taught that she has a right to say no and refuse his advances. But biology is still biology even when you have a right to do something. Shutting him down in this way is cutting the dance short right in the middle and is a sting to his sense of self. You may think that this is childish of him, that he shouldn't be offended if you just aren't in the mood now, but he can't help feeling this way because it's in his biology.
What do you do when you can't go further but you don't want to activate his off switch?
There are many things you can do. A blow job is a good example of a compromise where you're enthusiastic about your desire for him even if you aren't up for sex at the moment. Another (general) idea is to show receptiveness to him while expressing regret for not being up for it now. To appreciate his advances and desire for you while giving him a rain-check. This will only work if you always keep your part of the rain-check. A no doesn't need to be a no, it can be a "later" instead.
There's a sexual mating dance. Men pursue women. Receptivity encourages further advances. Cutting the dance mid-dance kills the whole thing. Compromise is a good thing to satisfy all.