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LTR/MARRIAGEwhat's the advice when the man doesn't want to have sex (ever) (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by beneathplumlake

I (f34) have been married to my husband (40) for ten years. In that time he's expressed little interest in sex and avoids/ rejects if I initiate.

Talking to him about it gets nowhere... he denies there's any problem or flat out refuses to discuss it.

He's not gay or bi, the porn he looks at is straight. He hides looking at porn even though I told him I'm fine with it as long as he's cautious and conceals it from the kids accidentally seeing.

I'm thin and fit, in fact thinner than when we first married (currently bmi 18). He likes thin women (judging from his porn tastes). I shower daily even twice daily, good hygiene etc.. He tells me I'm beautiful and seems sincere but it stops there.

I recognize him as the leader of the household and defer to him on most if not all decisions. I don't nag and almost never ask him to do household stuff. We have lawncare done by a service and handymen fix stuff in the house so I never ask him to do 'man stuff' either.

I have offered everything sexually, he just is not interested. We last had sex (I initiated) 8 months ago. I don't expect anything kinky in bed but if he wanted to try, I would.

I know about r/deadbedrooms but they're antagonistic to TRP stuff so thought I'd ask here. It seems I have the reverse gender version of what many marriages face. thanks.


[–]jaydeandturk 42 points43 points  (6 children)

You are right this isn't normal. This could be one of a few things. Low T, depression or porn habit is worse than he states. I would talk to him about each one. Get his T checked. If it is low the remedy is simple.

Other thing is men can lose their desire if they are put down or feel like they aren't respected. This doesn't seem to be what you are doing.

I would have discussion about porn and how often he is using. Daily? Sometimes if he has high stress job it leads to wanting easy out and stress relief without any effort.

Hope this helps.

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 16 points17 points  (3 children)

thanks. he hides/ is embarrassed about the porn so it's difficult to talk to him about it. I very rarely even try to talk about it because it so clearly distresses him or makes him shut down. I have offered to watch porn with him. It never really went anywhere. he has no erectile or performance issues the very few times we do have sex, but it is always from my perspective awkward, like he's not really 'there.'

he has on rare occasion admitted porn is a huge problem (addiction) to him but then will go back to acting like nothing is wrong.

[–]Kara__El1 Star 37 points38 points  (0 children)

he has on rare occasion admitted porn is a huge problem (addiction) to him but then will go back to acting like nothing is wrong.

I'd wager you have your answer. All moral discussion aside, pornography is an unnecessary risk for my husband and I. Neither of us look at it, because of things like this. This is a very common problem that doesn't get enough air time. Pornography addiction can kill a marriage and, as you can see, it can definitely kill any intimacy.

Your husband is going to have to acknowledge that there's a problem. You're going to have to tell him that you can't continue to do this. You can only seek answers after that happens.

[–]jaydeandturk 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You sound like a awesome wife. There are many women that divorce their husbands when they find this out. Tell him you are there for him and always will be no matter what he has to tell you. Let him open up to you. Ask him if he feels he could talk to you about this addiction. Ask him if he feels he has lost hope.

If he says it's a huge problem he is probably watching everyday for hours at a time and feels he has lost control/hope. Explaining that to a spouse could be embarrassing and make him feel like a failure. He probably feels bad about being sexual with you when he has been struggling. Ask him if this is the case. Communication is key here. Having a spouse that just understands this is part of the battle.

Many people are addicted to different things. Some people's brains are wired for things differently. I see this almost daily at work that we all have some addictions and opening up about them is how to work on them or get over them.

[–]hockeymask93 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My relationship improved a lot sexually when my boyfriend stopped watching porn so much. He had more desire for me and the sex was a lot more passionate. It might be a good idea to talk about him maybe not wasting his sexual energy on pornography which can be unrealistic and desensitize men to real sex. Especially if he naturally doesn’t have that high of a libido to start with. It’s key that when you vocalize your desire for more sexual intimacy you try not to make him feel emasculated in the process. He will be much more receptive.

[–]LouisXIV_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My ex-bf had borderline low T that probably caused his depression, low sex drive and sexual performance issues. Unfortunately, he was unwilling to pursue treatment or even talk to his doctor about it. I get that it’s his body, but I wish he would’ve tried a bit harder at least for the sake of our relationship.

[–]Darrel-Mandeka -1 points0 points  (0 children)

What if he has certain personal convictions?

[–]MentORPHEUSTRP Endorsed 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Something that doesn't seem to have come up yet. Did this start after children? Could there be a Madonna-Whore complex at work here, possibly from religious upbringing? (It looks harsh in writing; I didn't choose the name!) This can set up a strong unconscious mental firewall against seeing a person in a sexual light, once motherhood attributes come in to the picture.

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's been bad all along. I (stupidly) thought things would improve once we were married.

[–]light-----------dark 16 points17 points  (3 children)

His use of porn may very well be influencing how he shows up (or doesn’t) in the bedroom. .

How often is he looking at pornography? Is he masturbating/ejaculating to it often? If he’s hiding his use, it may be safe to assume that he’s doing it more than you think / suspect.

The novelty aspect can severely result in lack of desire in one’s partner, and therefore decreased intimacy within the relationship. Why focus on making love to one woman when one can ejaculate to hundreds of different women in one sitting?

If any of this sounds true for your relationship, I’d recommend checking out this book.

Wishing you well everything.

[–]CrushDontFlow 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's the porn 100%. Visit r/nofap for more information. It can answer a lot of your questions.

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I suspect/ pretty much know it's a lot which is why I doubt it's low T. he refuses to get tested anyway and won't even discuss it.

[–]light-----------dark 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Seems like the red pill answer is for him to take accountability for his actions, and make a change for the sake of your relationship.

You can bring it to his attention, but only he can do the legwork. . And, honestly, it may take something absolutely devastating to happen for him to realize the problem.

[–]mancozbi 5 points6 points  (3 children)

A few points.

  • Talking to a man is a waste of time, and will often make things worse, it's got to come from him.

  • Porn is a relationship killer for many (not all) men or is a symptom of a bad relationship.

  • Western society and modern media tells us that thin women are sexy, actually a bmi of 18 is not ideal at all. (Really apologise here, don't want to body shame you).

  • You get other men to do man stuff in his house? This is not good.

  • Agree with you that r/deadbedrooms is awful. They say grin and bear or get out. Posts of mine there were removed for having TRP inclinations! I managed to get out of a DB by using TRP concepts, including stopping using porn and not masturbating.

  • There could be a medical problem here, depression and/or low T are the obvious candidates. Sport and exercise are the best cures but a visit to the doctor is essential.

[–]snackysnackeeesnacki 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I’m not the OP but have had a similar issue - can you explain your first bullet point further in this context?

[–]mancozbi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd be happy to explain but what part of

Talking TO a man is a waste of time, and will often make things worse, it's got to come FROM him,

didn't you understand? It's a fundamental off all therapy, rehabilitation, behavioural change, that if the subject doesn't know there's a problem nothing will change.

BTW kara (above) wrote similarly:

Your husband is going to have to acknowledge that there's a problem.

Sorry, but getting him there is very difficult.

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If we don't hire someone the roof will cave in (and it literally did once in our garage). He absolutely won't do anything around the house maintenance/ repair wise.

[–]WhisperTRP Founder 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Porn is the symptom, not the disease.

There are several reasons why a man will turn to porn/masturbation when sex is available.

  • He is busy, or sleepy, or tired, and basically doesn't want to have sex because he has other shit to do. He just needs to be relieved of some nagging urges ASAP.

Not relevant here.

  • His partner has become unattractive to him, either through health problems, physical self-neglect, or because tension and resentment have built up.

Possible. More likely to be resentment than your looks. Have you fought more recently?

  • He is experiencing regular problems with erectile function or sensitivity, and is concerned about being able to perform or get off with a partner.

This may be the case even if he denies it. Men often feel ashamed of things which are not under their conscious control at all.

  • Males have an inherent attraction to variety in female partners, which our culture's monogynous customs demand they suppress. Some men struggle with this.

A key symptom of this is if he likes your looks, but the women in the porn he looks at look very, very different from you.

  • His health is messing with his libido.

Sounds like the most probable cause. Go to an "anti-aging clinic" type medical practice and get full bloodwork done. Yes, they appear slightly shady. Yes, they push TRT. But they are the only docs who will work with you diagnostically on this.

[–]teaandtalk4 Stars 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Have you fought more recently?

This is a long term issue, 10 years.

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

The women he looks at in porn have similar body shape/ coloring to me. Very thin and pale skin. I even pointed this out once and he acknowledged it. I hate to use this term but I find this detail creepy.

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hate to use this term but I find this detail creepy.

It just means he has a type and you're it. It's better that you match it, than if you didn't.

[–]WhisperTRP Founder 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hmmmm, yes, I'd say that's probably not the issue then.

Now, you said that this has been an issue for a long time... has it gotten worse, or about the same?

[–]civilizedfrog 19 points20 points  (12 children)

Porn is ruining your relationship.

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 1 point2 points  (11 children)

but if he refuses to stop, what's TRP answer?

[–]poiuuuuuuu 15 points16 points  (0 children)

He is sacrificing your well being for an addiction... Do you want a man like that as your captain?

[–]ConservativelyRight 7 points8 points  (9 children)

Do you want a man like that as your captain?

Ugh...this is "that friend of yours" every man has to deal with.

Please don't make hard judgments with limited information. We have no idea if it's the porn habit. When in my LTR I could masturbate 2-3x a day and still couldn't get enough of my partner. However, I'm in my early-mid twenties. Imo this could just as easily be a T issue or a confidence issue. It's really strange you say he's "ashamed" of watching porn when every man does (and 99% of those who say they don't, especially to women, are lying). It's even weirder that, on top of this, he feels ashamed despite having your approval on it! Something's up. I just don't know what. Please have him checked for low T like the top poster said, and if he does have low T get him on a moderate dose of test (please do not go overboard since that can cause some equally frustrating issues).

Good luck and I really hope you get this resolved.

[–]Rosehip_ginger 7 points8 points  (1 child)

As OP said

low T he refuses to get tested anyway and won't even discuss it

Sounds like it’s a lost cause

[–]ConservativelyRight 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn. I feel like there's some other aspect to this we're not being told. This guy's behavior is pretty strange to say the least.

[–]succulove293726j 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I would want my friend in this scenario to give me her honest opinion, even if it’s a harsh judgement.

[–]ConservativelyRight 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I didn't say harsh. I said "hard," as in absolute and final. In any case, harshness isn't necessary, but truth is. And I have a feeling OP is leaving some things out. There is no way we have a full picture of OP's relationship based on the ~250 word testimonial she gave. My problem is many women have (usually single and unhappy) friends that jump to conclusions like this because they're just dying to demonize the man in order to lure their friend back into the abyss of singlehood. This is usually because the friend is lonely and wants others to share in her loneliness and misery, so she goes about attempting to home-wreck. Now whether or not that's what that poster was really doing is irrelevant. It was mostly a joke, since it reminds me of that sort of "girlfriend/wife's friend" that we've all dealt with. Always one-sided. Always trying to poison the well. It's not helpful, it's quite transparent, and it only damages impressionable young women who have a perfectly fine man and don't need to be indoctrinated by their friends to find fault in every little thing.

So I was calling attention to the fact that it's hard to get a rational suggestion from female friends, who usually have a myriad of emotionally-charged biases. Anyone with any critical thinking sense will be able to see that the proper solution is going to require further information. They will not merely jump to conclusions. Reminds me of the quick fix on /r/relationships which is usually some combination of "Dump his/her ass" or "Well, if he/she is doing X, he/she probably doesn't love and respect you. Hence, you should dump him/her." While that may be perfectly appropriate in certain cases, I swear to god some of these people have a hair trigger with this shit. Like the moment an even slightly difficult challenge comes up we have to go to defcon divorce. These are the type of people that are single for a reason, and likely always will be, due to this defeatist attitude. "If it's not my way, it's no way." You cannot carry on an LTR/marriage/have kids with such a self-serving attitude. And hey, if you're just like that -- selfish, I mean -- then fine. Really, a lot of people are just like that. But own it, and stop giving relationship advice when you clearly can't hold one down yourself. (disclaimer: I'm using a general "you" here, not talking to anyone specifically)

This is just my 2c. But I'm like this in all things in life. It really bugs me when people jump to conclusions with limited information, especially when there's some serious shit on the line e.g. a freakin' marriage. It either suggests they never learned how to properly think (which for someone with a college degree, there is no excuse for that), or they're simply allowing their personal biases to guide their malicious destruction of a perfectly good relationship that just hit a rough patch.

[–]girlwithabikeEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. Except in extreme cases, we should exhaust all options before recommending divorce. Especially when there are kids involved.

[–]mancozbi 1 point2 points  (3 children)

It's a positive sign that he's "ashamed".

[–]ConservativelyRight 0 points1 point  (2 children)

why?

[–]Rosehip_ginger 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Because it means he realizes his low libido is not fair to his wife or normal for that matter.

[–]ConservativelyRight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But that's not what I was talking about. I was saying he shouldn't be ashamed of watching porn since it's perfectly normal and his wife is fine with it.

[–]kuking 6 points7 points  (2 children)

is he not getting it somewhere else?

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I've told him if he's not interested in me he can be with someone else. He just looked confused and didn't reply.

Later he claimed to have had no recollection of the conversation. What guy forgets his wife saying that?!

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What guy forgets his wife saying that?!

A guy who isn't comfortable discussing certain topics and who needs therapy.

[–]deltadawn6 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Does he have a religious background perhaps it’s a guilt thing? Or thinking that it’s dirty. When you have intercourse is it good?

[–]ConservativelyRight 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I second this question. From what OP says, sounds like he is guilty about his sexuality, which I could only guess either comes from a highly religious upbringing or some kind of sexual abuse in his past.

[–]Incoquastica 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mama it’s not your fault. You mention all those details about your hygiene it’s not you. He doesn’t turn himself on. Think about it. When you feel good and content about your self you get the confidence to have sexual and get turn on easily but if you have low self esteem or not in shape, or not happy with yourself that libido goes out the window. I saw this motivational speaker at a TED conference one time and she explained this. It made total sense to me. Hopefully it makes sense to you.

[–]HonestyOverCivility 1 point2 points  (3 children)

What’s the quality of sex when you do have it? I ask because there’s the simple truth that sex with a long term partner can get quite stale after years of doing it. (Imagine eating the same thing for dinner every night for 20 years). Have you ever tried dressing up in something raunchy perhaps or exploring a new kink?

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

yes, I've tried lingerie, experimenting, I've offered pretty much everything. sex with him has always been very awkward, like he's uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I've tried to accommodate him as much as possible.

he actually does eat the same thing every night and has for years... lol. he also wears the same clothes every day (different articles but same outfit).

[–]LateralThinker133 Stars 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's starting to sound more and more like he's got some mental issues going on. Asexuality, OCD... and you'll have trouble getting him to work on them.

[–]Mewster1818 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Has he always had a low sex drive and it's gotten lower, or is this a more recent development?

My husband and I had a pretty long dry spell when he started his apprenticeship because he was just so exhausted with the new job that he was basically a zombie for awhile, so it could also be a sign of something else possibly wearing him down outside the house? Though it doesn't sound like it from your post, in which case I'd agree with the other comments to maybe look into his testosterone levels or maybe he's consuming too much porn and it's affecting his performance?

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately it's always been like this. We never had the decline most couples experience. I thought things would improve when we married which I now realize was really stupid of me.

[–]slickhick 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Does he snore?

[–]beneathplumlake[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

no, he doesn't.

[–]ManguZa1 Star 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

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[–]beneathplumlake[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is what I usually do but he doesn't care. we've gone more than a year not having sex. currently at 8 months.

[–]sailbymoonlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that there is a possibility that he may have had abuse in his past that he is unwilling to be open about. Women AND men, both often keep such incidents well hidden, out of shame, guilt and fear. Six years after a divorce I learned my wife of 4 years had been regularly abused by her alcoholic father. The second she told me that, 100 strange stories I had of our time together made sense and my 100 questions had answers.

The best advice I have is to listen with sensitivity when the issue of childhood abuse arises, whether it is a news story, in a movie plat or other external reference. Survivors MAY have undisclosed emotional responses. Either refusing to comment / shutting down or showing anger are reasonable responses to a fight or flight situation.

I would hope that you can arrange for professional counseling - even if he refuses to join you - where you can explore this possibility as well as the others mentioned here. I can't think of a sounder RP response than to take responsibility for your marriage by seeking professional help.

Wish you the best, this won't be easy.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

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[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Red Pill is amoral. Pointing this out is juvenile.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[removed]

[–]pearlsandstilettosModerator | Pearl[M] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is too loaded a suggestion to give in a one sentence piece of drive by advice.