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[FIELD REPORT]FR: I thought I was a pretty good RP girlfriend until... (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by VintageVee

... I decided to be an even better one and see just how far I could not argue/micro manage etc. I was on about 80% beforehand and just as a personal challenge over the last week wondered if going to 100% (or near as dammit) would improve my relationship or make me less authentic to myself/ too placid.

No prizes for guessing how that played out... we're both even happier and closer. So I just thought I'd drop in a few of the nice little outcomes of this as a sort of mini-field report. Note that we have been RP from the very onset 9mths ago so these aren't major things, no big transition has taken place, it's just small things...but they can make a difference when they add up.

1) Talking about getting a dog in the future (a year or so away), SO says something I don't agreee with about how dogs shouldn't be in the bedrooms. Ordinarily I'd have gotten upset, hamstered about how this means we shouldnt get a dog together, it would have been a debate, even an argument - albeit a nice one as we dont have shouting matches or anything. Because of my little personal challenge I was quiet for a min while I thought and said, "I disagree with you. Personally I would allow a dog into the bedroom. But I respect your opinion." He looked amazed and said, "wow. Thank you. That means a lot to me." And the conversation was done and he felt even more respected. I'd rather have a dog with him and than not have a dog. I'd rather have a dog with him that's not allowed in the bedroom than have a row and decrease our intimacy/happiness as a couple.

2) SO was at mine all weekend and decided to take my youngest boy into the garden while I was baking. I immediately thought of all the little man-jobs that need doing in the garden, heavy stuff that I can't do but only takes a few mins, and bit back the urge to ask him to do 'two or three quick little jobs' since he was out there. I stayed quiet and watched them both from the window. SO looked around and saw a few things that needed doing and did them. Got his phone out ordered necessary bits from amazon to do more (so he tells me later). Started a football game with my little boy (SO loathes football so this was purely for my boy's benefit). I am so glad I didnt interrupt!!

3) We went on a bikeride with my boys - my eldest and my SO discuss removing the stabilisers. My son is very keen and wants to do it right now, SO says we'll have to clear it with your grandad he might prefer to do it, it's a rite of passage thing (my dad and my sons are extremely close, we live on the same lane, he's a very strong role model for them). I privately sympathised with my son's eagerness and thought it was a bit silly to wait - my dad wouldnt have a problem with it. I voiced this politely and SO said he hears me, but he's decided that's the way it is. So I stfu. A few hours later SO has bought some knee pads for my boy completely of his own volition and asked my dad about the whole thing. Dad says he's fine for SO to do it but is clearly absolutely made up that SO respected dad's position/status enough to ask. Result? My boy had to wait a bit but my dad has even more respect for my SO and is happier we're together. Again, very glad I didnt try to insist or make a big deal of it.

There's more but I think this illustrates my point :) and yesterday morning having coffee in bed he turned round to me randomly and said, "So I told my auntie you're the one, and my mum piped up with 'what sort of wedding are we having?' So, what sort of wedding do you want, poppet?" I just looked at him all agog. We aren't engaged. There have been strong hints about near-mid future but we've been together 9mths so it won't be for another year I wouldnt have thought, and he's never outright said it like this - so I was so happy. Inside I was squealing and making a guest list and picking a dress, but I just smiled a big smile and said, "a beautiful intimate/small one." And we had a lovely moment, and I didnt ruin it by saying, "omg when? How exciting! Are you sure?'

Overall results: He feels more respected. I'm enjoying even more affection/lovely texts/future plans from him. And I have even more trust in him. I'm much happier and calmer/generally less stressed because now I'm certain that his word goes - it always has done but now it's become something I don't have to debate in my head even a little bit. It just is. Should anything crop up that would damage me at all I'd simply say no: example, we're going on holiday for a week next year, he said how about 10 days? I said, I'm not leaving the boys for that long at this young age, which is something I feel very strongly about, and it was fine. He said he respects what an attentive mother I am. Because I've got a lot of credit in the bank with him (as an RPW, obviously I don't nag, criticise, and I take care of him in all the right ways) he listens when I say No thank you.

The personal challenge is going to become MO from now on!


[–]NameOfAction 13 points14 points  (4 children)

Congratulations!

I wish more people would see what actually works instead of being caught up in pacifying rhetoric.

[–]VintageVee[S] 9 points10 points  (3 children)

I agree. A large part of it is, for me, deciding to prioritise his happiness and the peace and intimacy of the relationship. And when you understand how men work...what they want in a home life ...it becomes very easy. The work is in picking and vetting potential captains, in my experience. Now I've got a good man it's all so easy...as easy as I let it be! It's not him that complicates things. If I'm so keen on control I can use that desire to simply control myself ;)

[–]NameOfAction 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Its all just common sence. Yes, men and women are different. We see, feel, think, and experience everything differently. Why is that herecy in the west? Once you accept that you can begin to have a happy relationship.

"Equality" is great and all but its meaningless in relationships. But I know exactly what makes me happy and exactly what turns me on in a woman. And I know how to make a good woman soaking wet. That's what matters in life!

Its so good to have found the RP community. My wife and I lived that way for years. We learned it from reading David Deida. And it always irritated me to see the looks my family, aunt in particular, would give me when I told mu wife "No." When she asked for more cake or a 13th glass of wine. They dont understand that she is just pushing the boundries and loves the feeling of me pushing back, making sure she does what is good and right. Im just glad to not feel like a lone voice crying out in the desert anymore.

And congrats again on your engagement.

[–]VintageVee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We aren't formally engaged yet but thank you!

[–]attitude_adjustment 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I'm so keen on control I can use that desire to simply control myself ;)

Yessss! I love this

[–]munchinggobbles 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I'm getting all warm and fuzzy reading your post, especially the part where he said you were the one! :) Congratulations on the improvement.

[–]VintageVee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks ! He's said I'm the one before but seems to be telling all his family over the last few months whenever he visits with someone. It's great !

[–]Billieee 4 points5 points  (8 children)

Sounds like you've got yourself a keeper! I do have a question about your approach ( I have been trying to understand the RP concepts better, so I am not being confrontational but looking for additional insight)... In your example about getting a dog, you disagreed with your SO about certain details and you just ended up going with his ideas instead of your own. I realize in this situation it's not a big deal to you to not let the dog into the room , so it was an easy argument to avoid. But at what point should you fight/defend your reasoning for something that you want. The umbrella advice is stfu and let it go, but do you have an example of when you spoke your desires even when they were contrary to his and it still worked out?

[–]StingrayVC 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ask yourself, "is this the hill I want to die on?"

H/T u/_wingnut_

[–]VintageVee[S] 2 points3 points  (6 children)

Hi, in answer to your question I actually didn't say I was OK with not letting the dog into the bedroom. I said I respected his opinion. That's the difference. it's his decision, I'm just giving him extra information about how I feel on it without being demanding. I'd love to have the dogs on the bed. Probably we will have another conversation about this when we get the dog and it might go the same way or he might conceded the dog can come in the room but not the bed ...But ultimately I will defer to his leadership because during the courting phase I assessed (privately!) The decisions he's made for his life...how hes ended up - I understand his thought process. I know his values (family, protection, compassion). I know he's had 8 dogs and adored them beyond words. I also understand that to let a dog think he's the alpha in a human house creates many problems and with children I am not willing to take any risks especially with the large breed of dog we want, so SO will have the final say on dog raising . I respect that OH has had 7 more dogs than me and they've all lived long, healthy, happy lives. So although it will cause me some discomfort and a little sadness, I understand that OHs decision is made from the position of protecting his position as alpha off the family which benefits myself , my children and the as-yet-hypothetical dog, and he is more experienced than me. Now if he wanted to do something that would be cruel to the dog such as kennelling outside during winter I would disagree (politely) to the point that we wouldn't get a dog. But this wouldn't happen as compassion is very important to me so I assessed for that when we started dating.

It's picking your battles and deciding on priorities. Like I say in my post, I've disagreed with him before and held that position (e g. The holiday ) and it's never been an issue. He's a good man and he's seen that when something's going to cause me distress he doesn't want to do it. Another example - on a Night out he said I'd had enough to drink. I was tipsy and disagreed. The next day I was hungover and very glad he stopped me making it worse. I trust his judgement - my life is better with him in it. He improves my life exponentially. I'm not going to argue with him about stuff that isn't a deal breaker.

[–]Billieee 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Thank you for the response! The way you explained the thought process it seems as though that while you initially disagreed, in the end you see where he is coming from and ended up agreeing that his way is best. Same for him agreeing on the holiday issue . I guess my confusion still lies with choices that can't be reasoned out or have logical answers. Let's say he wants blue bedsheets but you want red. How do you find balance between your own preferences and avoiding issues. Stingray brought up "is this the hill you want to die on" and I get where that's coming from.. But I feel like eventually that might lead to long term resentment if constantly stfu'ing to keep peace. What advice would you give a women who feels she is always putting her opinions on the back burner and is starting to feel resentment. ( hypothetically speaking)

[–]StingrayVC 3 points4 points  (2 children)

What advice would you give a women who feels she is always putting her opinions on the back burner and is starting to feel resentment.

Not married? Next.

Married? You chose this man. The chances of not being aware of this is slim to none.

A good man isn't going to decide his decision is the best decision in every single circumstance and he will concede some things to make his wife/SO happy. While blue sheets might be highly important to him he might not care about the color of the walls. Chances are slim that both of these things are going to be highly important to both the husband and the wife.

So we decide, is this something that is so important to me that I need to talk this fully out and risk saying something wrong (tone, nagging, going on and on, etc)? or is this something that really isn't that big of a deal and I can just let it go because after all, they are just bed sheets.

[–]Billieee 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Makes sense! I have also seen brief mention of some sort of check list type criteria for figuring out if you have a "good man". Is there literally a checklist somewhere or is it just a general interpretation of the concepts brought up here that women are applying to their SO.

[–]lazysnakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really liked Laura Doyle's guidance. Don't know if that's what was referred to. In any case I guess you would add other things important to you like being willing and able to provide, takes responsibility for themselves, that kind of thing. But the article was an eye-opener for me!

ETA: I got a heart! That's so cute, thanks!!

[–]VintageVee[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I don't constantly stfu. I just don't need to have my way all the time. I choose peace and harmony over everything else and if that means I don't get my preferred bed sheets then that's a small price. I have an amazing captain , a better man than I ever thought existed and probably better than I deserve, so I'll cherish that and look after it in all the ways I can. I keep quiet about things that don't matter so much and Calmly state my preference when asked or when I feel strongly about it. The last thing I feel is resentment. This man does so much for me. There is something new to appreciate about him every single day. Why would I resent him?

[–]Billieee 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your relationship sounds awesome and it's very inspiring, not because what your doing is reinventing the wheel or over difficult but because you found someone who brings out the best in you!

[–]guernblanston 2 points3 points  (2 children)

OK on item #3-biking.... "stabilizers" or "training wheels" on kids bikes are items from SATAN HIMSELF!!! (I'm an avid biker, and have raised 3 girls and taught them all to ride - the easy way - one is even special needs)....

anyway - here is how you teach a kid to ride. well they actually teach themselves! It's quite logical.... it works - tell others!

1) REMOVE and THROW AWAY training wheels, stabilizers, or whatever you call them. commit to NEVER using them!

2) Remove pedals - yet keep them... you'll put them back on soon enough.

3) Drop the saddle (seat) all the way down. so the kid can sit on the saddle (seat) and their feet rest on the ground so they can 'scoot'.

4) have the kid simply 'scoot' themselves up and down the sidewalk, lane, road, highway, freeway or whatever. think of the bike as a 'sit down scooter'.... pretty soon, they will simply 'figure out' weaving, turning, (balance) etc - with the saddle (seat) down, they can simply put their feet down for stabilization - yet will pick them up for longer runs.

5) when they get comfy by weaving and turning (note- learned ALL BY THEMSELVES ) then it's time to put the pedals back on - leave the seat (saddle) down low - you can raise it later.

6) since they've mastered turning and weaving - it's simple to pedal and go... they may be a little 'wiggly' - but they will get it in a couple of hours....

I've done this with 3 of my girls - worked with each one - and other kids whom I know... works every single time....

TELL other parents about this - it works and works well!

have fun!

[–]VintageVee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks I will suggest it to OH!

[–]crestind 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's actually brilliant and a very intuitive way of learning.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That sounds so wonderful!!

I often find myself cleaning and thinking of things for my SO to do so he can 'contribute'. it is just a passive aggressive way to make them do stuff. When I catch myself I just wind up doing it myself and rolling my eyes at the way I was going to handle it. I have found that I now appreciate all the things that he does do that I don't ask him or even think to ask him to do.

[–]VintageVee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the way you handle that! I too find it really interesting to bite back my words and just see what he does on his own. It's usually things I wouldn't have thought of. Ive found that a good man with free time will often ask what needs doing and then I can say, if he wouldn't mind, x and y please? In genuine emergencies I have rung him first e.g. when washer flooded and he absolutely loved coming to the rescue ! And fixing it. He was very proud lol x

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Wow good for you! This is quite inspiring. It's amazing what happens when we stop micro managing and just let things happen. I feel like it's so rare these days for women to consider what men want in relationships and then try to focus their attention on them.

[–]VintageVee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very common in this sub. This wasn't a big deal or huge effort and it should be normal... I mostly posted this to illustrate that we can always improve x

[–]littleteafox 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I love these sorts of field reports that help break down the larger concepts into every day examples :) congrats on your warm fuzzies!

[–]VintageVee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks ! Yeah it's the little things. And when you already have a RP relationship it can be hard to know where else to "improve " , so I'm stoked to find new ways x