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THEORYBait, Bid, and Bite - Everyday affections. (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by SuperSlavisWifeEndorsed Contributor

The flip-side to last week's post about giving time and space (https://yourwifeisevolving.wordpress.com/2016/09/05/why-he-doesnt-want-to-come-home/], I would like to take the time this week to address the "bait and bite" of comfort-seeking behaviour in relationships.

In CBT this behaviour is referred to simply as "validation", although it's not exactly what we think of when we generally hear the term. In relationship psychology it's called a "bid". And it goes a little like this.

One member of the couple experiences something.

They feel an urge to share it with their partner.

Their partner acknowledges the vocalization and the experience.

It seems simple, and it is, but it makes an enormous difference.

When we reach out like that, regardless of whether we are pointing out a cute dog, explaining what went wrong with our work day, discussing something we read or looking for confirmation that what we witnessed did, indeed, happen, we are comfort testing our partners. We are saying "this is my life experience, and I want you to also experience it". We are saying "please see what I have seen and tell me it is valid to you as well". We are saying "this is what matters to me right now".

And all we need is for our partner to acknowledge what we said and acknowledge our experience. That's it. They don't need to agree with us, to share our emotions, to continue the conversation. All they need to do, in essence, is say "yes, I can see the dog", "I'm sorry your work day was bad", "that book sounds interesting/not my thing", or "I saw it too". It's that simple.

We "bait" our partners with actions that are designed to captivate attention and words to draw their attention to things around us. If they "bite" and acknowledge the bait, however minorly or however personal or weird their reaction is, we feel acknowledged, wanted, respected and loved. If they ignore us and react passively or dismissively, we feel insecure. It's the ultimate comfort test and all humans do it, introvert or extrovert, male or female. It also directly correlates with relationship longevity (https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/].

Example of positive, comforting "bait and bites":

Him: "Wow, look at that truck." "Look there." "Truck ahead."

Her: "Pretty cool." "It's red." "Is that a toyota?" "Not my thing." "Where?" (Typically with some emotion in voice or on face, turning to look at what he is pointing out.]

All acknowledge what he has seen, what he is saying and establish some sort of personal connection. On the other hand, a negative, worrying "bait and bite":

Him: "Wow, look at that truck." "Look there." "Truck ahead."

Her: "Huh." #silence# "Wait one moment." "I'm busy." "Sure." (Typically in a flat tone, whatever is said, without turning her head to the truck.]

None acknowledge what he has seen, all refuse to share the moment or indulge in a personal moment, all focus entirely on her.

It isn't about talking more, or forcing yourselves to talk about your day or to do things together. It's more about the responsiveness percentage when you share information with each other. The more bait goes unbitten, the more detached a couple become. The more bait we bite, the longer the relationship lasts. So skip the candlelit dinner or the relationship adviser if you want to revive the spark. Perhaps first try and look at your partner, respond to their comments, and invite them back into your world

How often would you say you make a bid of your partner? How often to they bite the bait? How often do you respond to their bids? If you're not sure, try and keep a "bid diary" for a bit and tally up how much you share each other's world.

yourwifeisevolving.wordpress.com


[–]happilymarried30yrs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bonus points if you display a positive emotion in the 'bite'.

"Look, a truck!"

"I like your truck better" she says with a smile, touching his arm with the tips of her fingers before reaching up and kissing him on the cheek.

[–]rprollerEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bids are so important to acknowledge. It's amazing how much one small action can do so much to maintain rapport in one's relationship.

[–]Mentathiel 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Isn't all communication except for ignoring essentially bids then?

[–]SuperSlavisWifeEndorsed Contributor[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pretty much all communication out of nowhere. If you're already talking there is no bid, but every initiated interaction is potentially a bid.