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DISCUSSIONHow to learn to give up control? (self.RedPillWomen)

submitted by letgoor

Last week I read The Queen's Code and The Surrendered Wife. Both highly recommended, but one particular section of TSW hit me like a ton of bricks, namely where she talks about how the main issue many women in relationships face is that they are control freaks who need everything to be done THEIR WAY.

She talks about how this is mainly caused by something that happened in that woman's life that meant some of her basic needs went unmet and she experienced disappointment, which made her come to the conclusion that her needs would never be met the way she wanted, and if she were always in charge, then things were more likely to go her way (pg. 21).

Then she says that control and intimacy in relationships are polar opposites: if you want one, you cannot have the other (p. 23)

So basically, if i ever want to have a successful relationship with a man, I need to learn to trust him that he WILL take care of my needs without me needing to control him or how he does everything.

WOW. I'm only 23 and have never had a serious relationship, but let me tell you, reading that alone made me feel like I saved YEARS of frustration, therapy, relationship problems, and possibly divorce.

I'm the person she's talking about. I'm hyper-control freak because I grew up really poor (first generation immigrant) and I'm still kind of scarred from having to go without for so long and "make my own way" in the world. It's hard for me to trust other people to not let me down, or to feel like I'm going to be ok unless I'm controlling as much as I possibly can about literally everything. It's exhausting, and I know this just won't work in a relationship, so I'm trying to let this go and become a less controlling person in general.

How did you learn to trust and let go of control so that you could be more intimate in your relationship?


[–]Kara__El1 Star 47 points48 points  (6 children)

As far as household chores go, I try to remember the addage "You can ask me to do it or show me how it's done, but not both." I do the laundry, because he'll accidentally ruin my work dresses, but I never complain about him loading the dishwasher incorrectly (even though he so, totally, does), because it doesn't ACTUALLY matter. That's how you get to be the woman who feels like she has to do everything all the time and jokes that her husband is one of her children. When you want to criticize, ask yourself if you're ready for this task to be your new job.

[–]shecantstayaway 6 points7 points  (3 children)

OH WOW are you looking in my windows and brain? LOL

You can ask me to do it or show me how it's done, but not both.

I have really learned this lesson in recent years. If the things get done, I don't need to worry about or control HOW they're done. It was hard to let go at first, but has saved me so much work and frustration. I try to remember that my SO had a full life that he managed well until I came along, he doesn't need me or anyone critiquing how he loads the dishwasher (it seems we take issue with the same chore! lol).

[–]Kara__El1 Star 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Who points the knives UP?!?! That's how you DIE.

[–]shecantstayaway 4 points5 points  (0 children)

CORRECT. OMG I think we live with the same person somehow. Also, serving utensils, pots & pans, bakeware, etc. don't get clean in the dishwasher, they must be hand washed. Or in our case, run through the dishwasher then later hand-washed by me so they're actually clean. HAHA

[–]shine_on 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Up to a point. When it gets to the stage where you end up running the dishwasher twice because they have no spatial awareness and it wastes time and electricity, then something has to be said.

[–]nukessolveprblms 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is great advice. Adapting to how your husband does things (hey, ay least he’s doing things!) instead of micro managing.

[–]LonelyNeeds9 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is loaded with wisdom. What a gem of a comment.

This reminds me when I used to complain when my mom made me dinner and it wasn't something I liked. Then I realized how much work went into preparing a meal almost every night. I've learned that gratefulness is truly the solution to that problem.

I'm so blessed to have a mother who is willing to cook for me without complaint.

[–]biohazardhoe 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Hi, I just finished the Surrendered Wife the other day! I try to remember that the little things that I always want to control don’t really matter. For example, if my boyfriend and I are going somewhere and he takes a wrong turn, I’m still relaxed because I know that he is capable of finding his way there. When little things like that go wrong, it can end up being more of an adventure than it would’ve been normally. Giving up control isn’t natural for me and I have to often remind myself to do it, but I’d much rather give him the opportunity to take charge and make decisions. I can see how much he lights up when he is in control. Whenever I’m tempted to correct him on something, I remember how smart and capable he is, and that he makes mistakes and learns from them just like everyone else. I’d rather laugh with him about those mistakes than to judge him for making them.

[–]_anon_throwaway_ 9 points10 points  (0 children)

but also, you can't expect another person to just predict your needs. If you just expect him to take care of your needs, you're going to be extremely let down when they aren't met.

I'd say know your "deal breakers" and make them known. (not every tiny pet peeve, but the big ones that make you feel loved and safe). I can just see the above advice going way down hill if communication isn't involved.

Also it's ok to go get into a relationship and make mistakes. It's part of the learning process. Become good at failing, fail gracefully, and eventually fail a lot less often.

[–]IsaGuz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You should not.

I don't think you should give up control unless you're completely and absolutely sure you can trust your husband.

I haven't left my job (granted, I'm really good).

He does all the cleaning (I trust him with everything related to that). I do all the cooking (he trusts me with everything related to that). When he is driving, I trust him completely and fall asleep. When I'm driving (I'm pretty awful), he does not trust me.

So, ask yourself, why don't you want to let go of control? If you have an obsessive compulsive disorder and you won't be happy unless every plate is one millimeter from one another, then maybe it's your fault. But maybe, just maybe, you don't want to relinquish control in some areas because you think you handle those areas better than he does. And if that's the case, you do no one a favour by relinquishing control.

So basically, if i ever want to have a successful relationship with a man, I need to learn to trust him that he WILL take care of my needs without me needing to control him or how he does everything.

Nice, but it's a stupid idea. My father was an educated person with a serious STEM degree, and in the end my mother, a teacher, had to take care of all us kids, only to have him go away after 22 years of marriage.

The best way to trust your guy? Make your own money, have separate accounts, and if he buys the house you live in, you invest in another one for yourself that you'll rent to get some savings. Then you can trust him completely. Love is wonderful: that's why mixing it with money is a terrible idea. Don't mix both things and you'll never find yourself in my mother's position (my dad made bad investments and lost money).

I'm the person she's talking about. I'm hyper-control freak because I grew up really poor (first generation immigrant) and I'm still kind of scarred from having to go without for so long and "make my own way" in the world. It's hard for me to trust other people to not let me down, or to feel like I'm going to be ok unless I'm controlling as much as I possibly can about literally everything. It's exhausting, and I know this just won't work in a relationship, so I'm trying to let this go and become a less controlling person in general.

Trusting other people blindly is not a good idea, I don't care in which book you read that. I trust my husband completely... but not blindly, he has earned the trust I put in him. On the other hand, I have a good job (not very fancy and it won't make me rich, but I'll be moderately well-off), so though I trust he would break his back caring for me if I got sick (as I would for him), I feel safe because he doesn't have to.

I think the best way to trust is not really need you. However, if you have serious problems with money, having your own investment account would help. If you feel your need for control is exhausting, you don't need to surrender to a man, you need a good psychologist who helps you with that. There are therapies and techniques to overcome such a problem.

As for being a less controlling person... just take care of yourself and make sure you don't stop controlling the important part. Controlling your finances, your weight, your health and most of your schedule is GOOD. Many people lack the self-discipline to do that. If you come to the point where a cup out of place or a mismatched ribbon gives you an anxiety attack, or in short, if, as you describe, you are "exhausted", then get a therapist to help you.