Last week I read The Queen's Code and The Surrendered Wife. Both highly recommended, but one particular section of TSW hit me like a ton of bricks, namely where she talks about how the main issue many women in relationships face is that they are control freaks who need everything to be done THEIR WAY.
She talks about how this is mainly caused by something that happened in that woman's life that meant some of her basic needs went unmet and she experienced disappointment, which made her come to the conclusion that her needs would never be met the way she wanted, and if she were always in charge, then things were more likely to go her way (pg. 21).
Then she says that control and intimacy in relationships are polar opposites: if you want one, you cannot have the other (p. 23)
So basically, if i ever want to have a successful relationship with a man, I need to learn to trust him that he WILL take care of my needs without me needing to control him or how he does everything.
WOW. I'm only 23 and have never had a serious relationship, but let me tell you, reading that alone made me feel like I saved YEARS of frustration, therapy, relationship problems, and possibly divorce.
I'm the person she's talking about. I'm hyper-control freak because I grew up really poor (first generation immigrant) and I'm still kind of scarred from having to go without for so long and "make my own way" in the world. It's hard for me to trust other people to not let me down, or to feel like I'm going to be ok unless I'm controlling as much as I possibly can about literally everything. It's exhausting, and I know this just won't work in a relationship, so I'm trying to let this go and become a less controlling person in general.
How did you learn to trust and let go of control so that you could be more intimate in your relationship?